*Formally Sarah77 - LH have been great and changed my username so me and hubby can share the account 😀 Mrs.E here lol. Anyhoo, back to my rant. Privacy, we have literally none and it's driving us mental. Over the last 24 years our sex life has been a struggle at times. Amongst medical and psychological factors on my part, along come all the challenges that arrise when you have offspring. Daily stresses of life take over, struggled to switch off from being a mum etc plus knowing they were in bedrooms next to us. Fast forward to now where one has moved out and the younger two (15 & 19) are at home literally ALL THE TIME that we are. They don't have much of a social life, what makes things harder for us is the fact that during the week I work days and hubby works nights so weekends is usually the only chance we get to be intimate. We've really put effort in over the last couple of months to focus more on us now that they can pretty much take care of themselves and it's gone down like a lead balloon with them. We've never done date nights but have recently done so only to face hostility towards us when we get back. They're also hostile if we go upstairs for a private chat or go to bed early to watch a film. Last week the eldest of the two said to me "when you and Dad kiss can you shut the door cus we can here it and it makes us feel uncomfortable". I flipped! There's us feeling like we can't even breathe in our own home, getting more and more frustrated, to then be told by one of our teenagers that I can't kiss my husband. After I flipped I ended up having a very frank open chat with them about me and their dad having a sex life. It had to be done, it was time I explained the situatuon. It's cleared the air and now they go upstairs more often and do they're own thing so we can chat in private or have a cuddle. It's a good start but it still doesn't solve our privacy to have sex. The elder one has agreed to wear earplugs as she's a light sleeper, the younger one refuses to try them so I basically said she'll have to just cope lol. Despite all those years being quiet in the bedroom, not fully letting ourselves go through fear of them hearing us, being paranoid about the vibrations of toys and even resorting to going to bed at 2am in the hope they're in a deep sleep.....they've still bloody heard us!! It's very difficult to relax fully, if I go upstairs for solo play, one of them will ask "what have you been doing up there, you've been ages". Arrgghhh!!! I know there's not much anyone can do here to help our situation but I do feel better for having a moan. I've had to go as far as booking today off work so we can spend quality time together, as the girls are out all day 😜 I've told him to be prepared to go to work knackered tonight 😂
Ah, that's sounds really difficult and as you say I'm not sure there is an awful lot can be done. Alone time in the bath is one thing but I know you have said that's not easy either. One thing I will say is that at 19 I'm sure it won't be too long before the tables are turned and you can get some revenge by asking her what she's been getting up to, a little gentle teasing/ribbing when they get their first serious partner won't hurt! Threaten to get the baby photos out!
So annoying - I have just spent the last 10 minutes typing a reply to this for it to be deleted as I wasn't signed in! Argh!!
Mrs L here, I totally resinate with what you are saying Mrs E, and although we don't have teenagers we do have two children, aged 4 and 7 who are beoming increasingly aware of the world around them and constantly wanting to know what we are doing. I can't even go to bed topless without one of mine asking me why i'm not in my pj's.
I would have totally reacted in the same way as you and flipped out if one of the kids had told me we make them feel uncomfortable and I am sure they'd much rather have two affectionate parents that love and care for eachother than having two parents that can't stand the sight of one another.. so keep doing what you are doing!
I'm lucky in the fact Mr L is very affectionate, so we kiss and cuddle a lot in front of the kids and do so on a daily basis. Our 7 year old is at the point that she will say 'Ewww you and Daddy always kiss' but i'll just hit back with 'Yeah and that is what Mummy and Daddy's are meant to do' to which she agrees and carries on with whatever she was doing. I always say to her how lucky she is to have two parents that deeply love and care about one another, when so many people out there are unhappy and not in love. Which I do think is a great way of explaining it as she isn't really old enough at the moment to know about sex - thankfully!!!
All I can say is just keep doing what you are doing. Don't lose your own personal time just because you have teenagers that don't like it. How else do they think they came into this world!! I'm sure at some point they will get partners of their own and you can get your own back!!!
This is becoming more of a promlem in our house, with one just started secondary school :( Like you say not much said here can help that I can think of sadly and I'm not sure what we are going to do in the long term.
We used to send them to bed at 7 and we watched a film.. by the time the film was over all 3 normally had fallen asleep. Secondary school seems to give them super powers and they would stay up all night if I didnt turn off the wifi >.<
On 'movie night' now we goto bed and say, unless one of you is not breathing or the house is on fire... DND
I've just thought of one idea that might help you... let them catch you once, should be enough to make tham move out lol x
I really understand where you are coming from we have a 17yo daughter who doesn't go to sleep in till 11-12 at night and we try to wait. Sometimes this means we miss out on loving as we are tired. I understand the need for a healthy sex life and God can it be frustrating at times but I also don't want to scar my kids with them listening to their parents going at it for a couple of hours. Absolutely no one would enjoy hearing their parents fucking away in the next room.
I sympathise with you totally, we still have a 24 year old living at home! But I think you've done the right thing in having a frank chat about it with them, kids need to know that sex isn't just for the young!
At least if they're giving you both a bit of privacy to chat and cuddle thats a start. Unfortunately short of getting your bedroom soundproofed there's not much more you can do!
I’m in my early 20’s and still living at home so I may be able to offer perspective from my situation. If I was capable of living alone (unfortunately not possible at the moment for health reasons) then I would but as I can’t, I retreat to my room in the evenings so my mum and her partner can sit downstairs, have their meal together, watch a film & cuddle up on the sofa. They often come up and say they’re going for a bath which is an unspoken signal for me to turn my TV or music up if I don’t want to hear something that I shouldn’t and I’m perfectly happy to do that.
Like Mr & Mrs L said, I’d rather they be loved up than fighting with each other. The latter is much worse to overhear. The former might be uncomfortable but at 15 & 19 they should know that adults are entitled to have sex in their own home and give you respect and privacy to do so. My mum does the same for me in return and though we both know what’s happening in the others room, we know it’s a natural part of life and just accept it and turn our TVs up. Hopefully after the frank chat you’ve had they’ll be more aware that you need time together and that there’s nothing wrong with parents being intimate with each other. They’ll be doing the same things sooner or later!
We have the same but ours are 9 and 6 neither whom sleep well, youngest us up and down all night and during the night and we spend so much time popping back into their own bed. I struggle because I’m a screamer so I’m often screaming into my pillow. I hope I can be as frank with my kids when they are older as I think it’s important they know.
(Mrs.E)....Very valid points made above and a couple made us literally laugh out loud. I was as straight as I could have been with them and I did actually say there's worse things they could be overhearing in bed at night. I know, I've been there. My childhood was crap (my parents split when I was 3, my Dad moved away but still saw him). When I was very young I was exposed to things of a sexual nature that I absolutely should not have been exposed to. I have also been that child lying in bed at night listening to the most awful noise which is why we as parents have done everything we can to shield them from it. I also had to listen to the other awful sounds....my mum being in an abusive drunken fuelled relationship....so yeh there are alot worse things they could be overhearing and I did explain all that. I'm glad I spoke to them openly, it took balls though I'll tell ya! I'd just had enough at that point because the frustration of having no privacy was getting me more and more wound up beforehand.
Your childhood sounds just like mine Mrs E and I too grew up in a very unhappy home and seeing things/being subjected to things I definitely shouldn’t have. At least your kids are growing up knowing how loved they are and how lucky they are to have two parents so in love. I made a point last night after reading this post of kissing Mr L a lot in front of our two (they were in the lounge whilst we were clearly visible in the kitchen) our 7 year old just smiled and carried on watching TV. It made me so happy to know how okay and normal she found that :-) saw on your other thread you’re looking at booking an anniversary night away... just imagine how LOUD you can be then!!
I have one lad who's 17 and one girl who's almost 12 Both rooms are attached to ours by one side. My sons side is where our bed backs onto the wall and there's no way of moving our bed. I tried to have chats with him and he refuses to go to bed earlier despite me telling him why. So I decided it's tough shit. I'm not living like a nun. My daughter keeps complaining about the boiler in her room creaking at night. It's not the boiler lol.
As a father to two daughters I fully understand this post.
Although where we are living now, it does have proper brick internal walls and not just stud and plaster board which offers no insulation for sound at all!
If you have ajoining bedrooms and thin walls, try putting the wardrobes on that wall to make it more soundproof.
Our youngest has now left home but our 25 year old daughter still lives with us and she thinks it is gross that her parents still have sex bless her.
It does make me wonder how people abroad that you see on TV with one room and several generations living together cope?
I'm not surprised to read it's not just us suffering lol. I gave our eldest a fresh pair of my earplugs, I have very small ear canals and they're specifically for that. She's tried them but says they keep falling out because her ear canals are too small. She's now binned them! So gave her cotton wool last night to use instead but she says it doesn't block out sound. Do I have to buy her a pair of those sodding ear defenders?? FFS!!
This thread makes me dread the day my two are old enough for all of this 😩😩
Mr&Mrs.E wrote:
Do I have to buy her a pair of those sodding ear defenders?? FFS!!
It sounds like she's angling for a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. 🙂
Ian Chimp wrote:
Mr&Mrs.E wrote:
Do I have to buy her a pair of those sodding ear defenders?? FFS!!
It sounds like she's angling for a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. 🙂
oh yes, this sounds about right 😅
the only suggestion that comes to minds booking a hotel once a month or however often is financially possible for yous. It's not going to solve everything but it'd be lovely for yous to get away for the night enjoying each others company without being parents being the loved up couple that yous are worry free😊
as others have said you're right to of had a discussion with them. They may now start to respect your privacy more than they have done previously.
Mrs. E,
I also have a 15 years daughter and she's a nightmare in almost every single sense, the lack of privacy being a serious one. It's funny when you think about they suffer from "selective" hearing, so obviously you're not entitled to "me" time and privacy in your own house, but it's funny how they complain when you need them to listen to you and they say you're nagging. My teen has this horrible sleeping pattern which keeps her up up to very late even though she's tired, she doesn't go to sleep. It's horrible as we (me and hubby) can't do anything and in the morning is a fight. As a mum and education professional, I believe that the teen years are the worse, for me at least is a struggle as my daughter seems to think I'm cometing with her, we wear the same size clothes and if I buy a pair of jeans, she'll go and buy the same and say it looks better on her. If we go out and I talk to anyone who has a penis, she gets really annoyed and tell my husband when we get home. Obviously he finds it funny, but I don't because I reckon if she'd find one of my (many) vibes, she'd think I'm a criminal - lol!
Consolation: I'll get her back when she's a boyfriend and asks permission for him to staying-over...
I suggest a cheap hotel like a Premier Inn, make it a special date night/weekend. There are also coach trips for theatre weekends that include hotel stays that are very good value for money.
"Tough shit, I'm not living like a nun".....lol! Tbh I'm starting to have the same attitude, we can't carry on like this. I said to her this morning that I didn't know what else to suggest other than wearing ear muffs lol. Her response was "it wouldn't be comfy sleeping in those" 🙄 Our 15yr old is more taking it in her stride since the talk, she's more mature in many ways than our 19yr old. I can definitely resonate with Lu SB about the competing thing, too many things to mention but she can be like that often. Not a bad suggestion from WillC I suppose, it doesn't always have to be posh hotel but even so, we shouldn't have to pay out money on a regular basis to have a peaceful healthy sex life when we've got our own cosy bedroom in our own house. It's so friggin frustrating!!!