Lack of Sex Drive...help plz!!!!!

Sex Tips & Talk
1

hi all,

I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on this....

I am 22 years old and ive been seeing a guy for 6mth ( my longest relationship to date)... he lives 4 hours away but we still have a great relationship, talk on the phone all day, love being with each other and recentlyl told each other we loved one another. we only get to see each other every two weeks.

We have recently started having sex, the first time was amazing and i was horny for the rest of the day...we even found ourselves watching tv...5 mins later ...on top of each other ...lol

i went to see him last week and was really looking forward to it.....but when it came to ''bedtime'' we started kissing etc but i didnt feel myself turned on or horny...i was even a bit nervous!!!.....it kinda shocked me and when he tried it on...it hurt!!!!!....it was sssssssssooooooooooo frustrating!!...we then tried it on the next night and the exact same thing happend...... now i feel really tense when i think of sex and feel really down.

I really dont want this to ruin out relationship because apart from this our relationship is amazing...i dont want him to get frustrated or me ....please can someone give me suggestions on how to help...like advice, procucts i can use??? thanks everyone x

2

Hiya,

You don't mention how many previous relationships you've had before or if they were sexual. If you're new to sex, it can hurt a bit.

Even if you are more experienced, this to me doesn't sound like a lack of sex drive. Rather, it sounds more due to nerves. Since you only see your boyfriend once a fortnight, it's sounding like there's some pressure, either consciously or subconsciously to 'perform'. You were nervous so it hurts, but the more nervous you become, the more likely it is to hurt! The best thing you can really do is to try and kill the nerves, not worry about how amazing the sex should be and don't worry if it's not all that. That way you're more likely to stop it from hurting.

I've been in the same situation as you. I only usually see my boyfriend once a week but some weeks I don't see him so it'll be two weeks between visits. By then I'm gagging for sex but it quite often isn't all that good because of the hype I've given it in my brain that it'll never live up to.

In the meantime, if you're not already using lube, it may be a good idea to invest in some. This won't magically make it stop hurting, but it can help.

3

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening and its affecting you so badly - do you feel comfortable enough to bring it up with him (it sounds like the non-sex parts of your relationship are very positive)? If you're feeling uncomfortable and not enjoying sex, he's likely to pick up on it, and any potential misunderstandings could be avoided quite safely if you do just tell him you're not in the mood.

The Search feature of the forums might help; there are quite a few similar questions drifting around. Hopefully these might be a bit of help:

Lost My Sex Drive - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-tips-and-advice/74536-lost-my-sex-drive/

Nerves - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-tips-and-advice/74536-lost-my-sex-drive/

Low Sex Drive - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-tips-and-advice/134723-low-sex-drive-help-please/

4

heya sorry to mention....

am not new to sex but ive havent been in a long term relationship and so never had ''regular sex''....i dont find sex quite nerve wrecking as i think ive gotta perform so ecksvie your right there, i did feel the pressure cause we dont see each other alot so i want it to be good.

i feel comfortable enough with him and we talked about it on the 2nd night and used lube but i think that make me worse cause i knew i had to perform! thanks mimiaow for the links will check them out.

i was think about using herbs to relax me cause thinking about it i think thats what i need!

does or has anyone used these?

5

love_bunny10 wrote:

heya sorry to mention....

am not new to sex but ive havent been in a long term relationship and so never had ''regular sex''....i dont find sex quite nerve wrecking as i think ive gotta perform so ecksvie your right there, i did feel the pressure cause we dont see each other alot so i want it to be good.

i feel comfortable enough with him and we talked about it on the 2nd night and used lube but i think that make me worse cause i knew i had to perform! thanks mimiaow for the links will check them out.

i was think about using herbs to relax me cause thinking about it i think thats what i need!

does or has anyone used these?

i meant to say i do find sex quite nerve wrecking...instead of don't!!

6

Hi love_bunny10 and welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear you are having some trouble just now. The pressure to perform can have a massive effect on your sex drive. How about trying not having sex so there is no pressure. Maybe just some kissing and cuddling or a massage to relax you. When the pressure is off, hopefully your sex drive will come back. Good luck. x

7

Hella Rouge (LH) wrote:

I used to have major issues with my tightness. Guys would find it hard to get a finger in and it would culminate with a very sore lady garden after the jabbing and stressing! I know now that more than a half hour of kegal/pelvic exercises a week and I'm tighter than a size small latex dress on a hippo. THIS IS NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING PEOPLE!

I'd suggest erotic massage as a relaxant. Plenty of condom safe massage lotions to carress, relax and lubricate you all over. Not only will you be chilled out and thus less tense, but you'll also slippery which should make entry less painful.

You can also try buying some toys to get you used to stretching for penetration. I found that glass or metal toys with plenty of lube did wonders for getting me into shapes for sex.

thanks i think i need to get ''used to penetration'' too, got the jessica rabbit from love honey last week but havent used it much....how bad is that :(

8

Hella Rouge (LH) wrote:

I used to have major issues with my tightness. Guys would find it hard to get a finger in and it would culminate with a very sore lady garden after the jabbing and stressing! I know now that more than a half hour of kegal/pelvic exercises a week and I'm tighter than a size small latex dress on a hippo. THIS IS NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING PEOPLE!

I'd suggest erotic massage as a relaxant. Plenty of condom safe massage lotions to carress, relax and lubricate you all over. Not only will you be chilled out and thus less tense, but you'll also slippery which should make entry less painful.

You can also try buying some toys to get you used to stretching for penetration. I found that glass or metal toys with plenty of lube did wonders for getting me into shapes for sex.

AdnaW had/has similar problems, a strong squeeze before putting anything in helps relax her muscles before penetration. Might be worth a try for others too.

9

I find kegals help - tensing for 10 seconds and releasing for 10 seconds (repeating 10 times in a row twice a day) trains your body to know what "relaxed" muscles feel like and prevent unconcious tensing - which is what WandA is talking about, once you've started doing the exercises you can use the feeling to trigger relaxation before sex by doing a few strong squeezes before or during penetration.

Oh and definitely add in lube - that will make the world of difference!

Ax

10

I'm a female aged 29. I've very low lebido in fact none existant. my parnter has a very high lebido and he wants me to pleasor myself but i never feel like it.

I've always had this problem even with my last partner, i have a 2 year girl.

I've been to the dr's about my lebido but they don't take it serius they thing i should see a srink.

I want to please him and i don't want to fake it, the only thing which makes me cum is a machine, we've tryed everything can anyone help?

11

kingy wrote:

I'm a female aged 29. I've very low lebido in fact none existant. my parnter has a very high lebido and he wants me to pleasor myself but i never feel like it.

I've always had this problem even with my last partner, i have a 2 year girl.

I've been to the dr's about my lebido but they don't take it serius they thing i should see a srink.

I want to please him and i don't want to fake it, the only thing which makes me cum is a machine, we've tryed everything can anyone help?

I'm sure many people will provide much better answers than me but the best bit of advice I can offer is relax.

Pressure to cum will almost certainly stop you cumming! I'll leave it to the wonderful OA ladies to provide a better answer but in the meantime I suggest a forum search which might yeild some results.External Media

12

kingy wrote:

I'm a female aged 29. I've very low lebido in fact none existant. my parnter has a very high lebido and he wants me to pleasor myself but i never feel like it.

I've always had this problem even with my last partner, i have a 2 year girl.

I've been to the dr's about my lebido but they don't take it serius they thing i should see a srink.

I want to please him and i don't want to fake it, the only thing which makes me cum is a machine, we've tryed everything can anyone help?

Hiya Kingy!

You shouldn't worry so much! I have a low libido too - partly because of the pill (do you take the contraceptive pill?). and partly because that's just me!

I also don't come easily, and don't even want to often - I can have AMAZING sex and that is perfectly satisfying enough without the orgasm so my partner understands this!

If ever I want to come, I reach for my toy straight away, but because I don't NEED to come I can enjoy the feeling first - if I feel I could come without a toy, I tend to just lay back and relax - do not pressure yourself, it's the worst thing you can do!

You need your partner to understand that you love sex, and you can't even come by yourself without a toy so it's certainly not anything he's doing wrong - just normal variation from woman to woman.

If you're worried - see a doctor and insist they help you, seeing a sexual therapist might help - they can teach you relaxation techniques but your doctor should also investigate other causes! It may just be that it's just your natural libido and that is that, but if you think there could be a cause then you should investigate it!

Also - sometimes it's hard to feel horny, until the sex starts! So don't worry if occasionally you start off a session feeling like it's only for your partner's sake because once you get started you will (probably) love it! Obviously if you don't start loving it, then just move on to focus on his pleasure to allow him to climax. We go on a "sex is for WandA to come - unless AdnaW decides she fancies it" that way there is no pressure but he still gets sex - and I really enjoy pleasuring him and get total satisfaction from it even if I don't want anything myself! It works for us!

I'm sure there will be others along with tips on getting turned on, how to get into it more, and relaxation techniques (it really is the most important thing - being able to relax and just enjoy) and also what could cause it (such as stress, tiredness, jobs etc) but for me, a big point is to not feel pressured - there's nothing wrong with having a lower sex drive and nothing wrong with struggling to come without a toy!!

Axx

13

Sorry to hear about your problem. How about your bf giving you a nice slow massage and see how you feel after that.