Please help me understand women’s libido, and how you think about sex. We have been on vacation for 12-13 days in Italy, in two different locations. Usually, when a person is on holiday, there are few demands, like at home. It is mostly eating, sleeeping, drinking wine, sightseeing and generally enjoying the relaxation that comes with those things. One would THINK that would allow thoughts of pleasure to come out, and more sexual activity could occur. So why is it for me, as a husband, that , except for my own masturbation, there has been essentially no sex ? Is there something that switches off a woman’s sex drive when she is away from home? Granted, we are traveling with friends, and are sharing a flat, so there is that, but we spend around 6 hours a day alone, in our room, and we occupy that time reading, resting, and playing games on our tablets. No sex! Does it not occur to a woman that MAYBE there should be some sex play ? If, because HER libido is not making her horny, that I have no needs ? I just can’t understand this. Usually, I will make coffee for us both, and bring it to our room to sip and enjoy the quiet, every day. A day ago, she got up, and made coffee ( unusual ) and made it only for herself. Did not bring me any, did not ask if I wanted some. So I got angry, and ignored her for a good part of the day. Later she commented that I was being cold toward her, and I eventually told her what she did. She apologized, for the oversight, and asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to make up for it. NEVER asked, or insinuated that some SEX might make me feel better ! DUH !
I know this is long, but I just can not get my brain to grasp that she is that unaware of my needs. I am trying to understand how libido works for her. Does she assume that because she is not horny, that I must not be that way too ? I KNOW WHAT YOURE THINKING, ASK HER ! Well after more than 20 years together should I NEED TO ASK ??? I am dumbfounded and really angry actually. This is two nights in a row where I am up in the middle of the night. We have a few more days left here before traveling back home to the U.S. Then, we will be very busy again, with little free time to just relax. I feel this vacation has been an epic waste of time and money. And a supremely huge loss of what could have been time to connect again sexually.
Woah okay.
Regardless of the sex, you’re in another country, a beautiful country, and you view the trip as an epic waste because of a lack of sex… that’s sad.
Have you explored? Done anything different that makes it feel like you’re on holiday?
Every woman is different and libido fluctuates, there is no standard.
Without having a conversation with her, a calm one with no accusations or inference, you probably won’t get an answer.
There are a lot of reasons why she might not be interested in sex. Could menopause/peri-menopause be a factor? Any other health concerns?
just being away from home doesn’t automatically flip a switch in the brain to forget about real life.
I have to say, from the tone of your post, you’re coming across as someone only interested in their own pleasure and needs rather than wanting to genuinely help your wife figure out what is going on.
This sounds like you are throwing your toys out of the pram, because it’s not all about you, sex and your needs. After 20 years of marriage, why not just have a chat with her? Ask her if she’s okay, is there anything on her mind? You will get all the answers you are looking for and have no need to be angry. Stop and think about her for one minute.
And please have some respect for your wife and her feelings, because I wouldn’t be happy if my partner put a post like this without communicating with me first 
I thought this would be a interesting and helpful topic, sadly it’s not and it’s all about you.
You are on holiday time to relax and enjoy the surroundings, maybe she is tired being out and exploring, or maybe she just doesn’t want sex right now.
Marriage like any relationship involves talking, only that way can you know what’s going on.
Ok, so you all have this absolutely wrong! Throughput our marriage, I have ALWAYS ALWAYS made her pleasure MY PRIORITY, NEVER EVER me! There have been many times we have made love an I even did not cum, that was ok, I could always have another chance,or take care of myself. So this is not a SELFISH post, despite what you all think. She IS going through some medical issues at this time, and I have been VERY patient with her, putting little demands on her for much of anything. Her health is MOST important to me. And, historically, we have mostly always gone on holidays and taken the opportunity to have more than the normal amount of sex, just because the change in demands, and different settings made things more fun.
It is mostly the absolute loss of sex drive for her that is baffling, and she KNOWS it is happening, and we have had discussions about it. My question I posed to others was asking how their libido changes occurred, and if they just forgot about their OH either due to loss of drive, or because they really WANTED a break from sex. If I could I just understand what her thoughts and feelings were in her mind, I could find a way to work around it, and hopefully make things better for us both. I WANT HER to feel better about EVERYTHING, and sex included. I am NOT being selfish, I need her to be my partner and best friend, just like it always has been.
And to respond about just enjoying the vacation, and seeing new things and all that the wonderful country of Italy presents to us, we ARE indeed doing that. I just want to include and enjoy ALL the pleasures available to us here, before we get thrown back into the meat-grinder of reality once we return home, coming up in a few short days. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on this.
Why not? There’s no end time limit on communication. My partner and I have been together 28 years and communication is more important than ever. It’s literally the easiest, fastest and best way to understand what each other is going through and find solutions to any issues there may be. It’s not always easy to do especially if you’re feeling neglected, hurt or confused but it definitely is the best way.
Well, after a period of time together as a couple, there are many times when you can find yourselves thinking of the same idea at the same time, without even voicing it out loud, I know that happens to us a lot. That unspoken connection carries on through a lot of instances. You don’t need to be a savant to figure out what your other half is thinking, you just need to pay attention. So when I say should I need to ask, I think not. I agree communication is key, but do I need to direct with something that is almost automatic? Because one person is not desiring sex does that that mean nobody needs antimacy?
I wouldn’t want to bed a man who treats me with contempt either, just sayin’. You say she’s your best friend, but you’re not treating her that way. You say she’s going through aome medical stuff. What happened to compassion and empathy, or does it only matter that it’s directed to you?
You demand respect, but you don’t give it to her? Hard pass.
Also, saying it’s a woman problem does not do you any favours. If you want to see the problem, take a long, hard look at how you treat her.
My husband and I had some awkwardness Thursday night, by Friday evening it was all resolved because of a long-ass journal entry I wrote Friday daytime (he was at work, hence we didn’t have chance to sit down and talk). It wasn’t even accusatory, it was just “I didn’t understand what you wanted when you did this, let’s make sure we’re on the same page in future so this doesn’t happen again.”
Problem solved. Now we both now know where we’re at.
Tenshades, are you not paying attention. I have said without question I m not making this all about me, and never have. I do not have contempt for my wife, only love, and respect. I am only trying to understand what is going on for her. Nothing in our marriage has ever been just about one of us. We are a couple and work hard at taking care of each other. We have navigated some very difficult times and always find compromises to keep us happy with each other and our life together.
If she’s going through some medical problems, she is probably under a lot of stress and dealing with anxiety.
Anxiety and stress reduce libido massively so this could be part your reason. Add that to being in the same house as friends which could be a bit off putting, along with any pressure that she is feeling to have sex and she has probably noticed your frustrated mood (since she told you that you were being cold towards her) so is possibly feeling upset about that too.
I have been through some medical/ mental health issues recently which caused a lot of anxiety and has really knocked my libido. I am desperate to get it back because I really want sex but I can’t do it.
Don’t forget that, in general, women take a lot longer to get aroused than men. For a lot of women, being aroused is at least partially, if not significantly about mental arousal. Trying to get in the right headspace for sex is incredibly difficult if you’re just not in the mood. For a woman, trying to have sex without being aroused can be very painful and leads to significant negative thoughts around sex which then becomes a negative circle. Associating sex with pain and negative emotions makes you want even less sex.
If I was feeling stressed and anxious with low libido, then I would see a holiday as a chance to escape it all for a while and put all the stressful stuff to one side for now. I would want to rest both physically and mentally. Enjoy the scenery, explore the area, eat good food, drink good wine, read a book and enjoy conversation with people I care about. She may just need a break. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just needs something different from you for a while.
Maybe, if you talk, she might be open to a massage or intimacy that doesn’t involve penetration but only she can tell you that.
Not quite true is it? Four days ago according to your posts your partner surprised you with the chance but you forgot to take your ed meds so it was not successful and three days ago again you said you had trouble staying erect so again not successful. So two days in a row you had the opportunity and one was instigated by her, so it is not always you.
Now my hubby also suffers with ed and takes daily medication but even then has trouble staying erect, she has been disappointed twice believe me i know how that feels.
Kitty, you are correct, and I know that her libido has been troublesome for her. We have had a mostly good sex life in the past. We both needed the vacation to relax and have fun. And we certainly have done that. Again, in deference to some other respondents, my goal in this query is to try to understand the way her body is acting. Not put pressure on her to be or do anything. And as far as penetration, sexual play does not need to include that. There are a myriad other ways to get pleasure without penis in vagina. I would NEVER pressure her to have sex, if she cannot or does not feel in the mood, for whatever reason, I can understand. We often spend a lot of time just cuddling, and feeling the closeness that comes with that. There is only a short time before we have to leave this place and go home to many busy months before we can get away again. I want to make the most of what time we have now so we can be ready for real life again. We will sort things out, I am sure of that.
I did not forget to take my meds, it was a case of poor timing. I take the meds right before we are to be together. It takes some time to get into my system.
The other time, we were rushed for time and things didn’t work out for us. We both laughed it off as old bodies not cooperating. I offered to give her some oral so she could cum, which I love, and she always orgasms from, she declined the offer.
If you see your doctor he may put you on the daily ones, which hubby has had more success with. That way you would be able to without having to wait for the meds to take effect.
That’s good but I didn’t mean directly pressuring her, what I mean is that she may have picked up a tension between you both and sensed your mood not being as warm as usual. It is very easy for more perceptive individuals (depending whether she is one of those individuals) to feel that the cause of that change in atmosphere is down to something she has / hasn’t done and if she knows you’re wanting sex, the obvious conclusion would be that you are frustrated at her for the lack of sex. Whether that is right or wrong doesn’t really matter, if that is how she feels then she will be feeling guilt and pressure to fix the problem. The pressure could be coming from her own feelings, not something you have said or done. Does that make any sense?
It also sounds like she is making an effort. For me, sex when I have low libido is at maximum once a week and that’s if he initiates and makes a big effort to get me in the mood. Realistically it’s once a month! If she has even shown an interest recently, that’s not someone who isn’t trying or isn’t aware of your needs.
Because of underlying past heart conditions , my Dr opted to not do the daily med, and I know that is an option. To be true, my heart is fine. I had a heart attack 19 years ago, due to stress. I am much healthier now, and suffer no heart related symptoms.
It was a once off thing, but I can not convince the doc to make any change. For the most part, I do well even without the medication. It does help a bit with keeping my erection firm though, which is why I use it. We often make love for extended periods of time, ( 30-45 min) so having the med keeps me in the game.
Well, she is a psychologist, so reading people’s emotions is her strong suit. That is part of what baffles me at times, not sensing that we need some snuggle time. Without actually saying it per se. For me, if we have not connected sexually for a week, I will try to suggest some time together. I prefer to rely on her to bring it up, her schedule is more busy than mine, I can and do ALWAYS make time for her when she wants. I rarely if ever turn down a chance to be intimate.
I thought this. And that there was a genuine interest and he wanted to understand his wife and her libido. Then I read the post, the anger and it screams, me, me, me.
I wish couples would just communicate more and talk about things together, in person, rather than running to the internet 
I’m paying complete attention.
To the difference between how you treat your wife, and how my hushand treats me as a disabled woman. You could sail a cargo ship through the chasm between them.
My husband and I have been through some tremendous hardships as well. Not once as he ignored me for a day.