Looking for some advice

Hey, my name's Jessica.

I'm afraid I've never published anything on this fourm before and am hoping to find some non-judgmental advice, but obviously it's difficult to find somewhere to talk openly about the intimate parts of your relationship.

I have a lovely boyfriend, but he has abit of an issue...it's basically the opposite of premature ejaculation (technical terms would call it retarded ejaculation but that termanology upset's him) instead of comming too soon, it takes forever.

If you'd like the TMI; I can't make him finish. He doesn't get close be it through penetrative sex, or if I use hand's and/or mouth. Whenever we reach the end of sex he has to masterbate to finish, there's only so many times that can be made sexy.

Its starting to fustrate him alot and I was hoping someone may have had this before, or have any idea's of how I can help him overcome this.

Many Thanks

Also, I'd like to apologize for my bad spelling.

have you tried roll play or ana sex perhaps that might turn you both on

how about you give him a hand job after sex instead of watching. it must be fustraighting for you though and i do know what you mean about it not being particuly sexy watching him finnish himself off all the time.

@lickmadick, I'm guessing you ment anal? I've suggested that to him but he's completely turned off by the idea. We've tried role-playing before and as fun as it is, it's not achiving the desired result.

@Rag Doll, I've tried it, I've tried to do it for him and it's got nowhere, I've tried letting him get really close and taking over and it still doesn't work :/

We're moving soon (just spent the past 3 months staying with our parent's) hopefully that will help

have you tried teasing him throughout the day so it builds tension?

Does he masterbate often?

Hi Jessica and welcome to the forum.

He can actually reach orgasm so it's nothing physical stopping him so it must be something mind over matter. There's something subconsciously stopping him. As he's about to orgasm could he at the last second/s come inside you without using his hands? or if he was inside, would he be totally unable to?

Have you thought of seeing his GP who could refer you to a sex therapist.


Hi Jessica :) Me and my partner had this problem when we first started dating, except he couldn't cum at all! It was just a confidence/nerves thing for him, he totally pysched himself out about it. We were together two months before we got over that hurdle, but once he did he was fine! It was quite frustrating at the time, but what worked for us was not focusing on his orgasm at all, just focusing on me, letting him do what he liked and what felt good.

For you, it sounds like he can only respond to very specific stimuli, which makes me wonder how he gets himself off when he's alone. He may be using a reeeeeally firm grip -- what Dan Savage calls 'Death Grip mastubration' -- that means he's trained his penis to respond to being gripped tightly. That in turn means that mor subtle sensations, like intercourse or a blow job, aren't doing anything for him.

Here's what Dan has to say about it: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14968

It's definitely worth a conversation with him. He likely knows himself exactly why he can't cum, but is afraid to hurt your feelings by telling you. Whatever it is, understanding and patience from you will help sort things out!

How about trying something like webcam sex? If you don't live together you can go on skype. Its something different and might be a bit more off putting as its something new. Making him realise that there are other things that are actually off putting if you get what i mean. As on webcam he can't touch you vice versa, so he maybe more wanting towards you and hungry. I dunno only a suggestion, maybe a bit out of the box.

Anyway with my current bf i dont think ive made him cum through blow job or hand job but i can tell he likes it. it was the same with my ex. But when me and the bf have sex he does cum x

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

Hi Jessica and welcome to the forum.

He can actually reach orgasm so it's nothing physical stopping him so it must be something mind over matter. There's something subconsciously stopping him.

Hi, I totally agree with SG, I do think however it may have something to do with you living with your parents, it may be subconscious guilt or fear of being overheard which is preventing your bf from relaxing.

I problem is that it these situations is that by putting pressure on your bf it just makes things worse. I found that when I had a similar problem, I focused on giving pleasure to my oh so that I could enjoy sex without the pressure. I would suggest that things will come right after you move.

Hi Jess,

I had the same problem with my ex which was a backlash from him watching too much porn and masturbating too much for years. He had desensitised himself to the real thing. It didn't do my self-esteem any good either but talking to him about it helped quite a lot, even though it felt a bit awkward in some ways, it was well worth it.

I agree that moving into your own place should help, definitely make you feel more relaxed.

Hi Jessica,

I've experienced this twice (each for a period of several months) but I've come through both, so to speak.

Earlier this year, I was on Prozac for several months, and it messed up both my libido and my ability to orgasm. It was infuriating for both me and my wife -- I could still get somewhat hard but it wouldn't last for more than a couple of minutes, and I couldn't reach orgasm in that time. Fortunately, the problem disappeared a few weeks after I stopped taking the medication.

Several years previously, I had a phase of not being able to reach orgasm with my wife. The difference from the medication issue was that I could get very hard and I'd stay that way for a long time, but I wasn't able to release. We eventually figured out the cause, and it was psychological. My wife had just discovered the pleasure of multiple orgasms, and I had become fixated on holding on for as long as possible to match her extended appetite. Somehow, this transformed into anxiety about me having any orgasm at all -- I just didn't want to break my wife's flow -- despite her clear desire for me to achieve my own satisfaction.

Happily, we solved the latter issue using sex toys. We agreed that we were both fine with the idea of my wife using her clit vibe to generate and maintain her multiple orgasms. This was great -- it relieved the pressure that I was feeling to be responsible for my wife's enjoyment and allowed my penetration to be just a part (albeit an important one) of our routines together. That way, it didn't matter if I came earlier -- my wife could just pick up with her vibe and enjoy as many additional orgasms as she wanted.

I'm not sure whether that helps directly, but hopefully it's useful as encouragement that these types of setbacks can be addressed and resolved.

Hey Jessica,

Tateooed.Rob's question is a vital one in my important. Sometimes, if a guy has been single for a long period and / or has got used to orgasm only through masturbation his body can then find it difficult to climax via other methods.

He will need to wean himself of the old solo play for a while, let him create a build up.....

Then gradually start to tease, however you wish to do tease him, mouth, hands, chest, dress up etc etc and it will lead to an orgasm, for the first time or two try tease without expecting to take him to a state of climax

The other thing is not to let the pressure of wanting to climax become a preventative actor in his own mind.

Perservere, it will happen and you'll feel like a super-hero godess when it does :)