You have no need to feel guilty about any of this, is she on the pill? I lost my sex drive totally when i was on the pill.
Hi and welcome.
The thing that struck me about your post was the lack of TLC and romance. It maybe that it's there and you just didn't mention it. But perhaps you need to make it more about truly making love to one another as an act of your marriage and commitment to each other than about bondage kits, vibes and fancy pants? If you need lots of lube then I'm assuming you mean for penetrative sex. Most women - or a lot at least - do not orgasm this way. They enjoy the intimacy it brings with their partners but it doesn't bring the big bang "OMG so THAT'S what all the fuss is about!" that say a clit orgasm may do. Perhaps rather than spending money on things for her to try you could spend time reading up more about how to pleasure her. Again, perhaps you do and just havne't stated that above - but I would say if you romance her and make her feel sexy and relaxed (and not like she needs to "try" to have sex) and you spend a lot of time (like an hour or two) massaging her shoulders and back, down her legs and spending a long time before you go anywhere near her breasts or vagina - then spend a long time slowly bringing her to orgasm. And then DON'T have penetrative sex. Just hold her. If you do this a few times and get her to see how good it can feel and that there is no pressure to try and enjoy sex it maybe things work themselves out. But sex for a woman is not just about penetration - for a lot of women that isn't the 'main event' as it isn't what's going to get us off!
So romance, time, orgasms for her and you just hold off... and see if that makes a difference. But in the meantime having been together so long, and having a wonderful relationship out of bed really counts for a lot! x
shadowking wrote:
I should also mention that my wife has issues of control. She has to be in control of herself at all times. As an example she and i would go out drinking with friends a couple of times a months but she will only ever have 4 drinks at most because anymore might make her drunk and lose control. I have only seen her drunk once and she cried because of it. She does not judge me if i get drunk she just doesn't.
i think this could be the issue that is causing so much of the problems your having and really needs help from people like RELATE.
so many women cant enjoy sex and they cant let them selds go and feel the need to be in control of there body and mind ect ect.
when you do have sex, does she have to be the one in control at all times?
i really think this is the cause of the problems, and i hope you can talk to your wife and get the help you need.
i wish you much luck
Dxx
Columbus wrote:
Hi and welcome.
The thing that struck me about your post was the lack of TLC and romance. It maybe that it's there and you just didn't mention it. But perhaps you need to make it more about truly making love to one another as an act of your marriage and commitment to each other than about bondage kits, vibes and fancy pants? If you need lots of lube then I'm assuming you mean for penetrative sex. Most women - or a lot at least - do not orgasm this way. They enjoy the intimacy it brings with their partners but it doesn't bring the big bang "OMG so THAT'S what all the fuss is about!" that say a clit orgasm may do. Perhaps rather than spending money on things for her to try you could spend time reading up more about how to pleasure her. Again, perhaps you do and just havne't stated that above - but I would say if you romance her and make her feel sexy and relaxed (and not like she needs to "try" to have sex) and you spend a lot of time (like an hour or two) massaging her shoulders and back, down her legs and spending a long time before you go anywhere near her breasts or vagina - then spend a long time slowly bringing her to orgasm. And then DON'T have penetrative sex. Just hold her. If you do this a few times and get her to see how good it can feel and that there is no pressure to try and enjoy sex it maybe things work themselves out. But sex for a woman is not just about penetration - for a lot of women that isn't the 'main event' as it isn't what's going to get us off!
So romance, time, orgasms for her and you just hold off... and see if that makes a difference. But in the meantime having been together so long, and having a wonderful relationship out of bed really counts for a lot! x
Some excelent points there and very well made!
It seems like forever ago now but when I first got together with my OH I'd never been with a man before and I was quite intimidated by the whole thing frankly! I'd always MUCH prefered doing the touching and being in control with my female partners so it was a bit of a shock to be feeling all these different sensations and be experiencing them with a male. At the start of the relationship I would put quite a bit of pressure on myself to be good in bed and found it difficult to relax and enjoy sex fully.
It was thanks to my OHs infinate patience, delicacy, attentativeness that I eventually got in touch with my sexuality and was able to take pleasure in the different types of sex: love-making and fucking! Without my OH putting in the effort to make me feel loved and sensual with massages, long kissing sessions etc to begin with I don't think I would have developed to the rampant strumpet I am today!
xxKPxx
Is there any chance she might be open to joining this forum?? It might be a space for her to talk about how she's feeling or views sex. In recent times I have squirted from g-spot stimuation, swallowed my OH'S cum and last night tried anal! i never thought I'd do any of those things! But partly it's the trust, love and dynamic between me and my fiance, but also I really feel that beign on this site, hearing others views and experiences and desires and having a place to talk freely about my own thoughts and concerns has really helped me. Just a thought x
the fact her mother is controlling is quite interesting. my pearents, particuarly my mother is controlling and can at times be emotionally abusive, this has affected many aspects of my life, including my sexuality and sex life. i rememner in my teens i had the opportunity to loose my virginity and she told me not to, so i didnt. and she didnt approve of my bisexuality (calling it a fad) so ive never felt comfortable with being myself around her. it has also created trust issues with partners in the past.
the control issues your wife displays might be somthing to do with her upbrining, if she has control of herself no one else can, it could be almost like escaping her mother's contolling in a way. when living with controlling pearents it is very hard not to blindly obey them, you think they know whats best for you and that if you dont do as you say your somehow don't love them.
if you do need lots of lube it could be that shes not relaxing? could it be that she dosen't feel in control while you are having sex? theese things can be worked through very well within counselling.
i also agree with the others that romance, foreplay and not putting pressure on either of you to perform will help a lot.
Columbus wrote:
Hi and welcome.
The thing that struck me about your post was the lack of TLC and romance. It maybe that it's there and you just didn't mention it. But perhaps you need to make it more about truly making love to one another as an act of your marriage and commitment to each other than about bondage kits, vibes and fancy pants? If you need lots of lube then I'm assuming you mean for penetrative sex. Most women - or a lot at least - do not orgasm this way. They enjoy the intimacy it brings with their partners but it doesn't bring the big bang "OMG so THAT'S what all the fuss is about!" that say a clit orgasm may do. Perhaps rather than spending money on things for her to try you could spend time reading up more about how to pleasure her. Again, perhaps you do and just havne't stated that above - but I would say if you romance her and make her feel sexy and relaxed (and not like she needs to "try" to have sex) and you spend a lot of time (like an hour or two) massaging her shoulders and back, down her legs and spending a long time before you go anywhere near her breasts or vagina - then spend a long time slowly bringing her to orgasm. And then DON'T have penetrative sex. Just hold her. If you do this a few times and get her to see how good it can feel and that there is no pressure to try and enjoy sex it maybe things work themselves out. But sex for a woman is not just about penetration - for a lot of women that isn't the 'main event' as it isn't what's going to get us off!
So romance, time, orgasms for her and you just hold off... and see if that makes a difference. But in the meantime having been together so long, and having a wonderful relationship out of bed really counts for a lot! x
Columbus: We are a reasonably affectionate couple: we hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and kiss and tell each other we loved each other on a nearly daily basis (depends on shifts) and we can sit in a room for hours talking or just sitting quietly suggling if that is what you mean.
i would have thought myself as reasonably romantic but not in anyway like you have described! I'm much more we are going to dinner / flowers / jewellery / surprise trip away kinda guy... I try to put alot of thought into what i do that way and plan things out but you have opened my eyes to changing my style of romance. I haven't tried anything like that in a couple of years since i started to become dissatisfied with our love life.
I think that this is a fantastic idea. We do occasionally engage in non penetrative sex but certianly not like that. I am off this weekend and think i will attempt what you have suggested.
I certainly have not dismissed the idea of councilling by any means (relate sounds like a really worth while organisation if this doesn't work) but this sounds like a good first step in trying to bring us to a more rewarding sexual relationship.
I realise that things do not change overnight and that everything requires time and patience and i will keep trying, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Also i will forward the link for these forums: they are pretty amazing and all of you have been very kind in posting your suggestions to me.
Sorry have to right everything in one post:
She was on the pill from 2003 to Oct 2009. She now has a coil fitted.
Coil - ouch! lol - only joking. I'm on the Yasmin pill and find that's been okay.
I'm glad you found my post helpful. I was worried afterwards it might have sounded a bit preachy or like I was suggesting you don't make love or take time to pleasure her etc.
But I'm glad you found it useful. As I say I think making her feel sexy is different to buying underwear and the like. It's to do with confidence and feeling cherished I think. She needs to see herself through your eyes. Someone on here asked about how to talk dirty to women and I suggested (rather than jumping in with "you dirty slut you love it!") perhaps saying how beautiful she is or how good it feels to have her body against yours etc. Perhaps if you massage her you could say how soft her skin is, how you love the feel of the curve of her hips? Things like that. As Kittypurry said, I think to release a woman's inner sex goddess takes time, care and patience. You clearly love each other and have a good relationship so you have an amazing foundation to build upon!
If she is open to talking about it, maybe get her to build a wishlist with you on here - you might uncover a secret fantasy, or just discover another side to her if she plays with herself, what ever happens I really hope the two of you can sort things out.
x
I really like the wishlist idea but ....
I not so sure i am ready to sugest it right now. I don't know how it would be taken by her at this time but it is certainly an idea for the future.
I don't really know what to say, Relate is probably a good idea but would she be upset if you suggested it? It's a hard one, maybe book a lovely hotel, nice meal, rose petals on the bed, a nice long bath together, a massage and see how things go.
I have read through this thread several times and I think you have been very patient and understanding. I think counselling is the only way forward. Apart from anything else the fact that you are prepared to take this step will perhaps focus your wife's mind on just how seriously you are being affected by the situation. I think you need to tell her now that you want to see a counsellor while you still have the determination to make things work. If she will not go I would suggest you see a counsellor on your own, making sure she is aware that you are going.
I should say that we have a wonderful marriage (30 years this year!) but that it would have ended many years ago had it not been for counselling (I went on my own initially and my wife agreed to come along later on). There were many issues (parents and upbringings among them) and I'm convinced we could never have worked through them all without help. Given what we have that, without that help, would never have been - our younger daughter for example- it is quite the most important step I ever made.
Good luck.
it's quite fun to relate one, when you think she might be open to the idea. it can be non threatening for you both as you are only window shopping and hands can begin to wander.....but only when you think she is ready.
x
Sounds dreadful and/I can only reiterate the counselling option suggested by so many.
The 'sex' thing is vital to sort out - it may be copable with now, but there is a long term issue too. You love your wife, clearly, but if sex is withheld or entered into only grudingly wiht no enthusiasm, an affair becomes a real danger (been there, done that and it's hell for ALL parties involved).
You must get this sorted out sooner rather than later for the good of you both.
What sam66 says about the danger of an affair is right - and it can hit you from nowhere which is why I urge you to do something soon. I didn't seek counselling until I had become involved with a very fine lady who I'm sorry to say I hurt very badly - I still feel the shame of it 25 years on.
Gyrator53 wrote:
I have read through this thread several times and I think you have been very patient and understanding. I think counselling is the only way forward. Apart from anything else the fact that you are prepared to take this step will perhaps focus your wife's mind on just how seriously you are being affected by the situation. I think you need to tell her now that you want to see a counsellor while you still have the determination to make things work. If she will not go I would suggest you see a counsellor on your own, making sure she is aware that you are going.
I should say that we have a wonderful marriage (30 years this year!) but that it would have ended many years ago had it not been for counselling (I went on my own initially and my wife agreed to come along later on). There were many issues (parents and upbringings among them) and I'm convinced we could never have worked through them all without help. Given what we have that, without that help, would never have been - our younger daughter for example- it is quite the most important step I ever made.
Good luck.
Good advice and i'm glad things worked out for you! External Media
If she has a mirena coil fitted, be aware that one of the biggest ( and unadvised by the medcal profession ) side effects is total loss of libido.
spankmebaby wrote:
If she has a mirena coil fitted, be aware that one of the biggest ( and unadvised by the medcal professionExternal Media ) side effects is total loss of libido.
Ah, so that'll be why it's a good form of contraception then! External Media
spankmebaby wrote:
If she has a mirena coil fitted, be aware that one of the biggest ( and unadvised by the medcal professionExternal Media ) side effects is total loss of libido.
I am not sure the make / type of coil but our problems have been around a couple of years before it was fitted. Also ouch was right. My wife went to the hospital to have it fitted and had planned to go to work afterward as it was an early morning appointment - She suffered cramps worse than any period for about 3 days and was not fit for anything.