Hey all, Just asking all those people who) have gone through or are going through the menopause. (thats the PC way of putting it now isn’t it!?
My Wife thought it might be a good idea to ask on here and get real life experience advice. She 90% sure its started for her, her periods are all over the place. She has a fitbit with a menstrual calender on it that gives warning on significant days, its always been there or there abouts but the last few months she’s nowhere near the alerts. This gave her first clues she was starting the menopause. Then on her last cycle we had sex which ended up being quite bloody like she was starting her period a week early but it’s now been 3 weeks since that night and 7 weeks from her last period and she hasn’t started. It’s almost as if that was her period. Another sign is her boobs were always really tender in the week up to her periods but that’s not happening anymore and the worse of all she’s lost her sex drive quite dramatically. This is hard on us both as sex had become a massive part of our lives. Obviously from my side I can’t dwell on it and support her as much as possible but being a horny old man it’s hard not getting it nowhere near as much as I used too.
For us it definitely appears she’s started the menopause so she’s just after advice on where it goes from here and she knows it’s an individual experience but how long others went through it and if you got you sex drive back to anywhere like it was before. Also any advice on how to deal with it.
Thanks All, Merry Christmas. XxX
My wife didn’t noticeably lose her sex drive but her responses definitely changed. She lost a lot of sensitivity for a while and could no longer orgasm through oral or finger stimulation. Vibrators solved the problem a d very gradually her sensitivity came back.
There is nothing PC about it. ‘Going through the menopause’ is the right way of describing the process. For both women and their partners.
You are right on several points: it can happen to women at different ages, it can cause irregular periods and bleeding while hormones are in a state of flux, it can affect libido and yes, libido can come back.
If your wife is experiencing disruption to her periods, and mood and libido swings, then she may be peri-menopausal - leading up to full menopause. It is the fluctuating hormones which can cause distress. Sometimes women bleed without ovulating - hence no sore boobs etc. Once hormones settle, things become easier, but every woman is different and no one can predict the time scale.
Menopause is considered ‘over’ once a woman has a year without periods (over 50 yrs old) or two years (under 50 years old). Things tend to settle, but some women get hot flushes and vaginal dryness for years after and need to take steps to counteract this (lube, fans, natural fibres etc). It might be that some women need good lubes and slimline toys to maintain vaginal health from the menopause onwards. Because the hormones stop being produced (a bit like the reverse of puberty), it really is a change of life, but by no means the end of pleasure and closeness.
You don’t mention how old your wife is, but in many ways it doesn’t matter. I went through the menopause in my mid 40s, which was a real shock. My libido came back, though, and I’m now 50 with a good sex life.
It might be a few difficult years, given the mood swings and physical and sexual difficulties menopause can bring, but please hang in there and support each other - it isn’t forever, and she will need to accommodate your aging body over time too.
You might both, over the years, need to talk to your GP about HRT, Viagra etc - don’t make any assumptions based on what the newspapers say, it is worth going to have that chat and considering well informed options.
There is a UK website called Menopause Matters - well worth a look.
I hope you both get on ok.
Thanks for the advice @MsR, She’s 47, Sorry when I said PC, it was a little nod to the “people who menstrate” comment that was made to be PC in America.
@Yes_man ok, didn’t know about that.
If you are in the US I hope your wife can still access the Menopause Matters website.
A little more on what I found helpful:
Erratic periods didn’t affect me too much because I was on the depo jab for contraception, so wasn’t having periods anyway, apart from one awful last one which I wondered might be a miscarriage it was so bad. I came off the depo after a blood test showed that I was definitely into menopause - my periods had stopped.
Maybe your wife needs to carry emergency sanitary products around in her bag for now.
My other symptoms, at first, were night sweats and daytime hot flashes - wearing layers and natural fibres and using fans, flinging windows open all helped (everyone else had to wear big jumpers). Sweats at night led to the shivers, so plan cosy pjs etc too, changes of nightwear close to hand.
I found sex painful - that was the first sign. Whatever her thoughts about HRT your wife can probably safely use Vagifem suppositories (estrogen - they help with the thinning and shrinking of vaginal tissue) and they don’t affect other parts of the body.
And lots of good lube - more than you ever thought you might need. Clit toys, plenty of foreplay and time, and a willingness to try something other than penetrative sex for a while all helped. A slimline dildo / vibrator can also help to keep things functioning.
I also have a vaginal moisturiser on prescription, called Replens - it’s good to use daily and certainly good to use before sex: a kiddies’ medicine dispenser helps o put it high up in the vagina. Lovehoney sell similar syringes.
My GP wanted to prescribe an antidepressant for night sweats. I resisted because I wasn’t depressed, but that is a side effect of some drugs - I think people have to make their own call.
I also put on weight. I’m a life-long skinny, and I put on two dress sizes during the menopause - more than in pregnancy. I lost it again, but making an effort to wear flattering clothes, make up etc can give some women a boost.
My other symptom, and for me the worst, was extreme weepiness - anything would set it off, and I had 3 young children. I didn’t want them to see me crying ‘for no reason’ all the time, so I did try HRT and, after a while of trying different formulas, I found the right blend for me and it has worked wonders (one kind made me furious all the time - I actually threw books, so it is important to find the right kind). I guess that will be different for different people.
I hope it all goes well for you both.
You don’t mention any over heating 
yet… my tips for when you notice she’s progressed to that stage is wearing layers 
, so she can cool down easily when necessary 
. I also noticed mine were triggered by 
hot food and 
hot drinks…so I changed to warm drinks/food. That helped me a lot.
@Sea She’s always been one of those who hot (although that goes without saying) and cold so her being hot isn’t nothing new.
Eh, I’m right in the thick of perimenopause now.
The first sign for me was my periods speeding up. I had a 3-week cycle, one week on, two weeks off, for nearly a year… Plus physical weakness, joint pains and horrendously sore boobs ALL the time (Taking B vitamins helped that). I wasn’t very keen on sex during this time. My poor body had a lot going on and I could hardly bear to be touched.
I did try the herb agnus castus for the mood swings, which helped, but it wasn’t right for me. I found it suppressed all my emotions, positive as well as negative.
Now I’m skipping some periods and the hot flushes have arrived. Those feel like when you have a subclinical infection (I.e not poorly as such, but alternately hot/sweaty and chilly). I call it my broken thermostat! The hot flushes (hot flashes in the US) don’t bother me much during the day but they can wake me up a dozen times a night, and in the morning I’m exhausted. It isn’t fun, but at least my libido is back.
I do need lube at times though, which I never did before. I can be really turned on, but now it doesn’t necessarily translate to much wetness. It really helps me to have a bit of solo playtime before sex, if I can manage it, which keeps everything in good shape for couple time and makes PIV sex much more pleasurable - I strongly recommend this as a menopause coping strategy!
So far I’ve not gained weight, but my diet has had to change a lot - far fewer carbs, no bread, big focus on fresh veg.
Every woman’s experience of menopause is different, however. Some experience no particular effects, their periods just gradually stop. Some have a frankly miserable time of it and the symptoms can go on for up to 10 years. It’s very good that you are learning as much as you can!
Thanks @Silkyhat, funnily my Wife only mentioned last night her nipples had become strangely sore despite us not playing with them or her being on! She said the soreness reminded her of when she was lactating. She is also suffering badly with leg joint pains and is struggling to get comfortable in bed. She’s got the downside she is starting to gain weight which isn’t helping her mood swings. She hasn’t started taking any supplements but any that help will be great to hear about.
Thanks again
@Yes_man that does sound like a menopause thing - it might be worth her trying a B vitamin then. If you’re in the UK the one I like best is called ‘Kira hormonal balance’. I have tried others but that one is really good (it has vitamin C and folic acid as well). Dietary requirements for B vitamins go up a lot at menopause.
Also she could try an anti-inflammatory diet. I know she doesn’t have arthritis but Arthritis UK has useful dietary do’s and don’ts for decreasing inflammation in the body by what you eat (Inflammation is a direct cause of physical pain and also makes arthritis worse; levels of inflammation rise in all of us as we age but there’s a big jump in women at menopause as we lose the anti-inflammatory effect of oestrogen.
As a side benefit this kind of diet could also help to reduce or prevent menopause- related weight gain. And (because obesity and inflammation are both risk factors for Alzheimer’s disease in women), that is really worth doing.