@valbowski77
Pretty it up… my arse LOL 
I think there definitely needs a conversation, but I think you also need to accept and respect that he may not be able to give you what you want.
I really hope he can give it to you, I want exactly what you want, probably with a bit more blood to be fair. But if my partner said that he wanted me to do to him, what he does to me, I’d really struggle with it!
Now, I’d absolutely try because I’m subby and pleasing him is my thing but I know theres a lot that I wouldn’t do. I’ve pegged others and people think that i’m a domme for that, but absolutely not, that act is about giving pleasure, its not about power for me.
Your husband may be sub himself, and he may not even know it. Whatever you do, just approach with kindness.
You could try the spicer app or Carnal calibration quiz. Tell him that you saw something dirty on tv or read something in a book (make it up if you have to) and say you’d love to try it, and see how he reacts to your excitement.
@JoCat
If that was in welsh youd sound like Nessa… LOL
Spot on advice though.
I can sympathise, I’m in a long term committed relationship. And mine and my wife’s sex drive are just so dramatically different. Sex used to be amazing between us. But now, she has next to no sex drive. And mines would blow the roof off.
The feelings of rejection are horrid.
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@Ninja10
Thats not good… Hang in there whilst you try to work it out…
Let the rejection feed your desire to sort it out. If that makes sense…
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@Davey123 christ you have put into words exactly what I need 
We had a chat tonight and I think he is willing to try some more bondage play and spanking etc. He told me that he feels aggression/pent up lust when we do it but doesn’t act on it, so that’s a promising sign 
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@Boogaloo
You go girl… Green light… Tell him what you want then let him experiment. Make sure you have a code word just incase, but other than that go find the experience you are wanting… If he cant handle it, then spur him on… take over… make him your bitch… maybe it will spur him on to making you his bitch if you do it first… love the pent up aggression…
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Maybe your husband simply lacks confidence, and enough positive experiences?
Could be his own kinkier fantasies are pushed deep down inside, and never discussed?
I don’t want to raise your hopes too much. There’s a fair chance your hubby’s not into the same things you are. But I know that baby Doms have to start somewhere. And I myself was hopeless at it to begin with 
I know when my wife first admitted she’d like to be tied up, I was both excited and terrified too.
I‘d say from what you’ve described your husband appears to have healthy instincts in not wanting to hurt you, and being cautious about triggering sexual trauma. These are excellent qualities in a Dom, should he choose to meet you and develop this side of his personality more fully at some point. Though these instincts are frustrating for you right now, they could be very healthy foundations to build a kinkier relationship on.
At their heart, BDSM relationships rely on a lot of trust, and lots and lots of prior communication around desires and boundaries.
It took many years for me to learn to communicate my own desires, and approach a good understanding of my wife‘s submissive desires. Partly because of my own cultural programming to do with misplaced notions of ‘gentlemanly’ behaviour, which I often misapplied in the bedroom, and partly bacause I was uneducated on the practicalities and psychology of BDSM. But alot had to do with the fact I just didn’t know enough about my wife‘s limits and desires, and could be nervous about overstepping the boundaries.
For my wife, giving direction can be a passion killer. So can safewording too often. At a certain point in our conversations on BDSM, it felt important for me to ‘do the homework’ and understand what had a decent chance of success in the heat of the moment. Failure to please initially felt like I’d let her down.
At the same time, it was often tempting to play along a much ‘safer’, more vanilla path.
So I also wonder; is he excited by you, and your desires, but afraid to let you down?
It‘s not clear from your post whether you have done much work to map out your desires and talk about these between yourselves. We tracked down a form of ‘BDSM contract’ in the early days of our kinky relationship, to do this mapping work.
In case you’re not familiar, it’s not a contract in a legal sense, more a process for outlining your boundaries, desires, and activities where prior consent can be assumed. Consent can always be withdrawn at any moment, of course, by safewording or otherwise stopping play. It’s pretty fun to this do as a couple.
The side benefit of the BDSM contract is that it gives a kind of ‘menu’ of options.
Handy for inspiration when planning
As the years have rolled on, with each play session, new toy, new tie, new anything, or each time reviewing our ‘contracts’ together, I learn more about my wife and I. Each failure became a lesson.
For me, Initial hesitation eventually gave way to learning, and learning led to confidence. And confidence turned to increased desire.
Whatever path your relationship takes, I hope it goes well for you both.
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He sounds like he really cares for you. I can’t really add to the sound advice you’ve already had, only that I hope you keep us updated with how you went with it all.
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@Boogaloo I hear you dear. My wife is very vanilla as they say. The fantasies I’m starting to think of last couple years are things that few years ago I would have found weird. I’m talking being dominated by her, treated like a sex slave, like spat on, slapped a bit and have her piss on me. I’m working away for nearly a year, go home every other wkend. Tough being away but has given me time to do things that I could never say to her. Like anal masterbation. Wearing her thongs while doing it too. Turns me on so much but would freak her out if he knew. Same as you she is my one and only. When away and miss her n my kid loads i try these things sexually with myself, mugged me something to enjoy while I’m apart from them
@Knottydevil you are right - my husband definitely lacks confidence, in general as well as in the bedroom. We’ve been together for 13 years, and he still finds it difficult to instigate sex because he’s nervous, or feels like it puts pressure on me, despite my constant reassurance that it doesn’t. I’ve asked him to be more forward with me over the years many times, and things change for a while, then he slips back into his shell. I know that it’s a very difficult thing for him to manage, as is his anxiety in general.
I definitely think he is worried about doing something wrong or letting me down, and it’s difficult to make him see otherwise.
I also find giving direction a passion killer, and he always asks for my direction 
The BDSM contract sounds like a fun idea, I will see how he feels about that. We have done the Carnal Calibration quiz and our desires are actually very well matched, but then he struggles to act on them.
Sorry to hear that you’re in a similar position @Dom624. It’s is difficult when your desires change over the years, but your partners don’t. Have you ever spoken to your partner about these things, or avoided it completely out of fear of rejection?
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Hope it goes well
Hey @Boogaloo
This resonates with my own past.
I can understand why a person might be hesitant to take the lead. I can only talk about my own lived experience though, as I don’t know you or your husband’s situation. But hopefully my words may be in some way useful in your own situation?
For me it took a while (literally years) to feel able to honour my wife’s wishes to be dominated, and lean into the dominant & darker side of my desires. This was in large part because I didn’t have enough understanding at the time of how the psychology and techniques of submission and dominance really operate, & I didn’t want to get hurt (through repeated failure), or to hurt my partner (physically or emotionally).
Healthy dominance play can, on outward appearances to those who are inexperienced, look quite a bit like toxic masculinity. The two are different however, but understanding the details of how and why is important, and the apparent similarities can, for some people, be alarming & off putting.
For one example: the act of hair pulling can appear to be about causing discomfort, pain, & coercion. It can be this to some people, provided this is fun for them (ie: S&M dynamic).
In reality, ‘hair pulling’ in D/S scene is often done in an assertive, supportive and thrilling way by gathering the hair and holding it close to the scalp. Properly done in this context, it’s a way to support and guide the head, and the body, and it shouldn’t hurt. It’s an act of psychological pressure and physical direction, but not typically pain. There’s a lot of nerve endings in the scalp, so it can be a lot of fun! So learning the technique to avoid pulling bits out or making it otherwise unpleasant is important.
I’d previously misunderstood a fundamental part of what it was about, and what was in it for the submissive player in general, and specifically for my wife.
For some, submission is largely about letting go and being guided, gifting their submission, and being truly ‘seen’, understood, and supported. Hair pulling for many is not punishment, and it’s not about degradation. It can instead be about being held, in a safe place of love and understanding, and being able to let go of decision making.
It’s taken time, and tons of open and brutally honest conversation to get to a point where I understood all this, and to really understand what it meant specifically for my wife to be submissive. So much wasn’t in our early conversations about bondage or spanking at all.
The conversations usually take place well before or after the sex. And practicing stuff might sometimes happen with clothes on, while having a conversation about it. Basically we have safe times to talk about this stuff, and times to get busy doing it, where the talking mostly stops.
So the little pieces of learning and experiential understanding have built up over time, and taken together these pieces of wisdom have informed and supported many a play sessions.
I can now confidently take the lead because; I know my partner’s innermost desires, because I have made mistakes in the past and learned something from those encounters, and because we have put in the work to understand what submission means to her, and what she’s into, and how much of that desire I’m happy to meet.
Erotic fiction, porn, and even the regular mainstream movies don’t depict this time and emotional investment well, or at all in very many cases.
If I look back, I often felt a little unsafe about leaning into my innate dominant side because;
a) cultural programming
b) I wasn’t sure specifically how my wife wanted to be dominated, or why she might enjoy it
c) I didn’t know how to do it, and worried about getting it wrong
d) I had misplaced ideas of my wife being more ‘fragile’ than she is. Physically and emotionally. Ironically, the male ego’s ‘fragility’ is something I later recognised in myself!
I’d hazard a guess your fella could just do with some time to develop, more understanding of why it would be fun for you, and a safe space to try it and get it a bit wrong to start with. I know I made plenty of mistakes in the early days! 
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I find if you discuss sex before it never works out - I go with the flow and we both ask each other during sex - such as he will ask for a spanking or he may want oral or pegging and we just go for it
Planning does not work for us
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I feel your pain a little, I’m a male sub and I’m quite lucky in that there’s a small piece of kink in my partner but it got left behind after her teenage years. When I hit 30 my kink needs went into overdrive and I’ve spent the last 6 years gradually trying to reincorporate it.
I think it’s hard to compare as everyone’s different but things that helped me were
Honestly saying that I need it. Need not want. Saying how the lack of it effects my mental state. Saying how receiving it makes me feel. Being grateful for any kink received and saying this. Encouraging and praising my wife after (she is pretty good when she gets into it)
Also, and this might be different for you as I’m a guy but doing as much as I can to help around the house. I think tired partners don’t have much labido so i help as much as I can and am always trying to do nice things even just little things like running her a bath or making her a drink (to be honest it also appeals to my submissive/servitude kink - I probably sound weird but I once got a bit turned on cleaning the toilets as I started thinking I was serving her)
But it is so hard and I think part of it is as we get kink we want more and I worry that I’ll never be 100% satisfied. I love my wife though and love where we are.
Good luck! As others have said it’s about communication but sometimes that’s the hardest thing ever. Maybe try and extract some of his fantasies so you can return the favour?
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I can thoroughly recommend this book (available as audiobook too):
The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy.
I found it really helpful all those years back to understanding how and why to honour my wife’s submissive desires.
Turns out there’s a lot in it for me! 
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@Boogaloo no i havnt brought up any of these things to her, to be honest I think it would freak her out, we have good passionate sex but nothing kinky. With our set up atm me being away it’s hard to pick a moment to mention it. Think need to have the real closeness of being together full time again to bring up the subject. Have you said anything to him since?