My friend can't cum

My friend has a sex problem, and I’ve got no idea what she can do about it. She’s transgender (male to female), and she’s on hormones but hasn’t done any surgeries. The hormones she’s been on since her early teen years have messed up her ability to have an orgasm, although she feels sexual desire frequently.

Her sexual difficulties messed up a relationship I set her up with. She’s been unable to find a boyfriend (what she really wants), and tried it with a girl and there was zero sexual chemistry there, or at least she was unable to orgasm during sex.

We tried a couple of other things. My GF found an escort for her. I know that doesn’t sound right, but it was an idea. The sex was no different than with her (now ex) girlfriend. My husband and I also let her watch us, and that didn’t work for her either. She’s got about 3 inches when she’s hard, and its really uncomfortable for her because without orgasm it takes forever for it to go away. Apparently she hasn’t been able to make herself cum in a long time.

I’m just not sure how to find the right partner for her, or even if she found a male partner if she’d get what she was looking for. I’d encourage my husband to at least have some pity sex with her, but I know he would be appalled at the thought (and so would our other partners.) Any thoughts?


Not sure if getting others involved in a hands on approach is a good idea. If she isn’t sure what she likes, or what feels good, it’ll be difficult for her to communicate that to a partner. And pity sex is most likely not going to make her feel good about herself either.

Perhaps it might be worth getting her into some toys? They’d provide other types of stimulation that sex can’t, and may help her learn a bit more about how it all makes her feel, while being able to explore what feels good and what doesn’t.


If she’s trying to find out what does work for her sexually then surely masturbating, with or without toys, has to be the way to go about it rather than sex. She needs to learn what feels good for her and if there are different ways she can orgasm. When she knows what feels good for her that’ll be much easier to comunicate with a partner.


I agree. It would be better to practice with toys as there would be no pressure and she could relax. Once she discovers what does it for her then introducing a partner is the next step.

If she still can’t get an orgasm then I recommend seeing her GP. It may be the hormone treatment needs modification.


Has she tried anal stimulation? It might produce a different sort of orgasm. :bum1:


See a doctor or a sex therapist that can help her navigate what she needs.


Yeah, I’m thinking she probably needs to see a sex therapist too… Except I’m not sure how much good that will do since she doesn’t have a partner.

I keep trying to find a partner for her who can give her what she needs, but here in the rural South that’s not exactly easy.

A sex therapist will be able to help in her solo ventures too, it’s not all about partnered sex.

Finding her a partner really isn’t going to do much good, as she needs to figure out what she likes, rather than having a partner blindly stumble into what she likes. If she continues having partners that can’t help her orgasm, that’s also going to cause her some emotional pain and possibly a feeling of rejection/failure.

I’d definitely recommend you stop trying to find her partners. Put yourself in her shoes, it’s most likely a lot of pressure for her to deal with, and that’s not healthy, and may end up being harmful to her.

Quick addition: Constantly finding her new partners also seems like shifting where the issue lies. A partner ‘not giving her what she needs’ is not the issue, and is shifting the blame/where to seek solution


Sounds like a tricky subject to tackle but I sense this maybe more a mental block for them than a physical maybe :thinking:
My best advice would be for her to seek out counselling from a transgender community support perhaps as they’ll have a far wider understanding and experience in this sort of thing

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@AJSTAR I think you’re right…it seems mostly mental. She wants a certain kind of partner and just doesn’t get off as well without it. It seems very difficult for a trans girl to find a partner around here. Even when she does find a boyfriend, it never ends up with sex.

She’s also like me in that anal toys don’t work. Only the real thing.

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I always think transgender relationships are even harder to find than gay ones but many tend to find happiness with another transgender as they then share a bond of understanding in many ways.

I’d defo try seeing if there is any specialised counselling in the area for her to try even if it’s just a phone in type thing for now.

I think many things here…
Ultimately, sexual gratification for me, starts in the mind, an attraction, desire, excitement, the foundations of that chemistry.
It sounds like those elements are being bypassed and it sounds very robotic.
I’ve had experiences with sex workers, and it is very cold and unconnected.
I have to say, reading the post, it doesn’t sound nice at all, it sounds like you’ve turned your friend into lab experiments. If I was your friend and read the post, if I didn’t feel bad enough before, I certainly would after - especially with the last paragraph. The motives here seem to be more about getting the satisfaction of solving the problem, rather than simply supporting your ‘friend’ (who your husband and other partners would be appalled at the thought of ‘pity sex’ with her).
I would imagine that this would really put a few more nails in her mental health around it all too.

My final thoughts would be to let your friend find their own path with it, with some feeling and emotion involved, it could well take them time, but the current approach sounds insensitive, damaging and ultimately dehumanizing.

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Perhaps a lot of sexual gratification comes from chemistry and desire…but when you can’t even get yourself off, that becomes a different problem entirely. I thought my life was difficult when I couldn’t find a partner for years…adding orgasm difficulty would have really driven me crazy.

Yeah, I’m trying to help my friend solve her problem. Maybe not fully, but just in some way to reduce her frustration. She gets right on the edge of an orgasm and then inexplicably…can’t.

@AJSTAR Perhaps a relationship with another transgender person might give her some common ground, but of course a relationship will be about more than sharing that one thing. Plus, trans folks aren’t common here. I’m intersex, and my friend is the only other person I’ve met locally with similar gender issues.

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Definitely agreed there’s gotta be a spark too and certain areas are very sparse to find love especially when your gay or trans so it often ends up having to look wider afield :face_with_spiral_eyes:

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