I’m new here and new to this so please be gentle, just looking for a bit of advice…
So I am in my late twenties and I have never had sex, hell I have never even masturbated, it’s not that I was against it or anything, I just had really bad body issues for years so the thought of touching myself just made me feel awkward and tense. I am getting better at learning to love myself now and I have been trying to experience pleasuring myself and I feel like I have gotten close, there is intense feeling, by body starts to shake/spasm but it goes no further than that, I just can’t seem to find that ‘release’.
At the moment I am just trying clitoris masturbation. Am I not doing it right? Am I over thinking it? Am I expecting too much of myself to get it right on the first couple of tries?
On a side note, I am using dilators recommended by a nurse as my last smear test was a disaster and had to ask her to stop and she told me that my vagina is involuntarily ‘clamping down’ so trying to sort that out as well.
I am dating someone at the moment and he is very easy to talk to about stuff like this and there is no judgement, and I do feel comfortable opening up to him, I hope things go further with him but not I’m quite there yet.
I just hope you guys can give me some advice as I feel a bit of a freak as it is…
It sounds like you’re doing everything right. I suspect the final release is a mental hurdle rather than a physical one and perhaps you are over thinking it. If your body is doing the shaking and your spasming, it’s enjoying what you’re doing.
The dilators your nurse has recommended are definitely a good thing. Your partner sounds great and very supportive, when you do take things further, tge dilators will have helped. When you’re ready maybe an internal toy will help with dual stimulation, making orgasms easier too.
Firstly, please don’t worry at all, what you’re going through is completely normal and happens to absolutely loads of women. The involuntary clamping sounds really similar to Vaginismus, which can be caused by a multitude of both physical things or even mental things. I’ve found that with vaginismus although dilators in theory sound good external stimulation really helps. Maybe try using a bullet or wand vibrator on your vaginal lips and hood- or try any kind of stimulation that feels good for you.
I know it’s a lot easier said than done but find something that you enjoy, even if it’s something small or something that feels silly, and go with that. Don’t focus on “going further” or “pushing yourself” as I found that it causes stress and in turn ruins the whole experience! Sex and masturbation is supposed to be enjoyable for you, don’t worry about forcing your body to do things it isn’t ready for just yet
I’m really glad that you’re dating an understanding person, it sounds like they’re really supportive! And the nurse seems to be offering some great advice with the dilators. Just remember not to stress about this too much, let your body fully relax and if it’s a mental block everything will happen when you’re ready
I only joined last week. So glad I did. It is a forum where talking about sex is easy. I am very shy talking about sex but on this forum it is not a problem. I have erection problems caused by prostate surgery. I have had some really good advice. It was pointed out to me that I need to talk to my gp. That is what I am going to do. If my gp can help me I will get hard again and be able to masturbate. It has been 14 years since I was last able to. If you have any doubts about sex there are people here who will help with your queries. By the way I was 38 when I first had intercourse. If you feel a freak that makes two of us. I hope when you do have full sex it will be a wonderful experience for you.
Hi @Latetotheparty101 Welcome to the forum, posting on something like this took guts so well done for that ! The brain is the biggest sex organ, and psychology plays a big part, I went through similar issues in my younger days, it will get easier and you have someone to talk to which is a huge benefit, if you have ruled out any physical conditions that just leaves the mental bit, your head has to be in the right place to begin with and yes overthinking can have negative effects, it’s funny now but I used to get scared when i got an erection ( this was a long time ago) I was told absolutely nothing as a kid, and I was/am an introvert, so I had to find this stuff out on my own, so I know how things like this can freak you out.
Not having a vagina I can’t say I know how you feel, but the anxiety of feeling a bit freaky because things are not going the way you think they should..Firstly you have to feel comfortable in your own skin, sex should be FUN and not a task, just take your time and your body will relax when your mind does. By the way there is no “Right way”, just do what feels good, if it’s legal of course
Hi and welcome to this very friendly, helpful forum. I am not the right person to be advising you but you seem to be doing the right things and your partner is supportive. I am sure you will get some great advice on here though.
Hello and welcome. You are in no way a freak! In my early twenties I was very sexually active with my now husband, but after a few bouts of thrush I developed vaginismus. It was so frustrating as totally in my mind but I felt I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried the dialators, but to be honest they weren’t for me. I had hypnosis which helped and I found that deep breathing and concentrating on relaxation helped also. My now husband was incredibly patient. I now don’t have any issues.
I would definitely recommend a bullet vibrator to help you orgasm. They are a new toy for me and I bloody love it (as does hubby). Try not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to feel that desire and have everything you want. Good luck and keep us updated x
Welcome to the forum!
I’d reckon you might be over thinking a little and should just experiment while getting to know your body better and what brings it joy. There’s not really any right or wrong way as we’re all different and enjoy different things so the main adventure is getting to discover what you like
My wife told me once she could only cum if she didn’t think about cumming… That it was too much pressure. Maybe you feel similar? Sensuality works best for her. Deep connection with me, low and slow ha
Welcome to the forum @Latetotheparty101, I am sure that you will find it great place to get lots of support and advice on matters sexual.
Regarding your concerns, I am not really in a position to offer specific advice. Generally though, I would say it just takes time and patience, as with anything body related, such as recovery from injury, to get where you want to be. Getting advice from professionals, as you are doing, and holding on to where you want to get to are helpful. Don’t give up! I’m sure you will get there and hopefully you will find it well worth it.
Welcome to the forum. The only function of the clitoris is to provide pleasure. Therefore, the clitoris is the right thing to focus on. A bullet vibrator with plenty of lube can also be very effective. Just note that the clitoral hood covers the clitoris. You can stimulate the clitoris through the clitoral hood, or you can pull back on the clitoral hood and stimulate around it. Also, don’t feel guilty about masturbation because it is the best way to find out what arouses you, and it is the best way to be able to tell your partner what arouses you. If you want to know more about the clitoris, you can go to YouTube and search for the Scientific American video:
Hey everyone!
I just want to start off by saying wow! Thank you all so much for your support and advice, it made me feel more relaxed to just talk about it and feel normal.
Anyway a quick update, I bought a Magic Bullet and it’s good but again didn’t get to the finish line, I will continue to use it tho.
I ended up buying a ROMP and I think it did the job
Again thank you so much for all your advice and support xx
). Try not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to feel that desire and have everything you want. Good luck and keep us updated x
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