It’s always a surprise when you realise you’ve been convincing yourself forever that you’re all good, when you’re really not.
Last night I listened to a ‘green noise’ on Calm because the ‘brown noise’ was a higher pitch. On the channel I told you about, there are videos with other colours, have a listen to those and see if they make your brain happier than the brown. I know that a lot of people with adhd have found brown noise really relaxing and a lot of people can’t stand it.
For me I find an important part is routine. One thing I am very grateful for is being able to sleep and sleeping through, even with all that is going on right now.
I have cried enough tears to put a hold on hose pipe bans in the area for a few years at least, possibly more than I have cried in my lifetime! I am truly grateful for that, I know I am human.
This morning I feel a little lighter. Done a lot of talking simply about what I am feeling, and why, and merely accepting that now, rather than debating and using it to beat myself up. I think this is helping me lose a little of the guilt.
I am seeing my eldest daughter and grandson this morning, and then really looking forward to a session with my counsellor. A little positivity and lightness sneaking in, although I know I have a long way to go yet. Actually just back home after seeing daughter and grandson, didn’t have time to finish my post.
But yes, I think routine, and also for me before I go to bed I like to sit and have 8-10 slow deep breathes. I think it just helps to clear my mind a little and helps my system know it will be time to shut down soon.
The ambient music on the echoes of bluemars - cryosleep internet radio stream may also be worth a try. 
Morning all. Just a little update.
Just over 3 months since my marriage ended and Im like a new ladybird.
I hadn’t realise how poor my mental health was until I was forced to change, rely on myself and do the hard emotional work of not just processing where the relationship failed (sadly that for me was 19 years ago) but more importantly what made me decide that my wants, needs and even likes were not valid.
What seemed to be the worst thing that ever happened turns out to have been exactly what I needed.
Im amicable with Mr John but have no desire to be friends just yet and my relationship with my son has blossomed.
Always light in the darkest of places if you try hard enough to find it x
Welcome glad you’re here
@The_Little_Ladybird You have risen like a phoenix from the ashes. Your lust for life has returned and that is clear by your posts and the confidence of your pictures.
Congratulations 
It is so good to hear your comments, I’m glad things are working out for you and the relationship with your son has blossomed. You are a wonderful lady and things will go from strength to strength. Big hugs all round.
It’s nice to hear from you and wonderful to hear that you are doing so well.
Lovely to read such a positive post. So glad that things are all going in the right direction for you @The_Little_Ladybird 
What a lovely post to read, quite inspirational for me, as going through a similar journey.
It’s quite strange, only yesterday I cracked open my Monster post to do similar in terms of providing an update, just been a little too busy, so will get it done when I have a chance.
Anyhow, this is your update, not mine 
I think your posts will give a lot of people hope, because going through all this stuff is really scary, and very tough for me. But it shows you have took this face on, wrestled with your demons, and focused your energies on looking at yourself. A lot of people prefer to sit on their pity-pot and point fingers, they did this, how unfair life is.
Life is exactly what we make of it, and it has to start with finding ourselves (again, fecking scary!) and all that it entails.
Really glad you’re making great progress on your journey, and it sounds like you are taking it all in as you go without worrying about the destination.
The one key line I was going to use in my update is quite similar to one of yours:
I am not where I want to be, but exactly where I need to be right now. A long way to go on my journey, and no longer in a rush to get wherever it is I am going. My faith is returning, and my monster is not rampaging.
Keep doing what you’re doing, and following your instincts. For me that is how my higher power talks to me, my spiritual connection. It will lead you to the light, no matter how dark it seems. That sounded more religious than I expected, but hey.
And thank you @The_Little_Ladybird, your posts, comments and support have been a massive help for me, and truly appreciated!
I thought @The_Little_Ladybird was you, but I was away for a few months so missed this whole journey! Massive cwtches, but so glad you are coming out the otherside more positive and authentic to who you are inside 
You are all such wonderful people and Im genuinely grateful for every like and comment.
In a turn of events, I called Mr John earlier (to do with our son). We spoke for half an hour.
I updated him on where I am at and he said he is pleased that Im fine and he has been carrying a lot of guilt. I told him Im proud of him for not staying in an unhappy situation (so many people do).
I stand by my last post but do hope one day we may become friends.
@Mr_Kink1 I think about you often. My life is so busy now Im not here as much as I was. Please tag me when you update as Id hate to miss it. X
Such a great post @The_Little_Ladybird
So pleased to hear your progress and that you are doing well. It’s a really inspiring story too.
We all have dark and difficult times to get through - hearing you find the light in the dark is just awesome.
Thank you 
Fantastic news hun and I think that everything works out in the end you shouldn’t look at it as a missed opportunity but as rightly said an awakening of a new and wonderful you ! Good luck to the future for you hun I am so glad things have started to pick up for you ! @The_Little_Ladybird 
Waw, we’ve been catching up on your messages and it is so wonderful to see. You have certainly turned a corner, blossomed and gained some well deserved true self-belief. Good on you girl. (plus a very nice profile photo).
Keep strong 
@Mr_amp_MrsDLPS thank you so much. I do feel like Im getting stronger, more confident and independent all the time.
My reactions to things such as smashing a plate or the cat (rescue cat we adopted 7 weeks ago) not coming home when he is called still amaze me after the fact. Im so calm and measured now and I am sure it must be nice for my Son to see.
I am starting to notice that men look at me in the sauna, gym etc… its nice but Im in no rush to find a new partner. Building myself up and keeping the bond with my Son growing are my priority now x
You really are the hottest lady in Wales as far as I can tell @The_Little_Ladybird, you really have turned the corner and got up and transform your life. I wish you all the best going forward God help the guys when you do feel ready, there will be one hell of a queue.
