New Me

I’ve just read up on this because I’ve never heard of it before but I’m going to see if it does anything for me. Some probably obvious things: are you listening to the music before sleeping? Could you change the timing and listen earlier? Have you tried lavender oil on your pillow (or a different essential oil if you have one that you particularly like)? Gentle body relaxation exercises and diaphramatic breathing help me with sleep quality as well as getting to sleep. To be honest, you probably are subconsciously working through everything that has happened and processing the changes which are happening quite quickly and this is probably not something that you can do much about other than what has already been mentioned. Sorry that’s not overly helpful. You could try medication from the doctor but things like that can be addictive so not to be used unless essential.

Seriously I am so lucky to have found you all in this community, I appreciate you all.

My counsellor has sent me a body scan link to try but tonight I think back to the lavender pulse point roll on, weighted blanket, a kalms and teddy to see what happens.

If its broken sleep but healing or depression with epic sleep I know which I choose.

Just back from a swim, booked an exercise class and gym induction for Friday… who is this woman :smile:


You’ve done amazing things for yourself @The_Little_Ladybird :clap:t2::clap:t2::clap:t2:

Have you heard brown noise? I love it, my brain likes to wake me up early to think about work and then I can’t get back to sleep but brown noise takes away all the thoughts in my brain. Youtube has an 8hr video with a black screen.

I recommend it to anyone with a busy brain.

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I second @JoCat suggestion for brown noise. As white noise doesn’t work for me. I have also found asmr videos on YouTube good as well. I like the mic brushing ones.


It gives me a lot of inspiration and hope reading your threads, both the past and the current. I guess I am in a very similar situation of sorts in terms of leaving the creature comforts of my relationship, and it is lovely to see that you are feeling so much better in yourself.
It’s only been a week since my relationship finished, and me and Mrs K not spoke since Sunday. This is like day 4, and feels like an absolute eternity! I really do miss her, and I am trying to keep faith that things will be whatever they are meant to be, rather than questioning myself every 5 minutes and beating myself up for calling time.
I have a lot of demons to face this year, and it is important for me that I do that. I want to find that elusive place of authenticity and self-love. Not only a lot of hard work in terms of self-reflection, but also learning to live life better, being outdoors and enjoying myself as a single person.

I am very grateful I have not acted out in anyway, no temporary fixes, no female involvement at all, not even solo play - my Monster wants me to, really wants me to, but no.
Not now, not this year. I have the tools to NOT act out, and as painful as things feel, I will try and embrace them as best I can. With pain I will heal, and then grow.
I plan to tame this c*nt in my head, and I fully intend to give Mrs K the respect that she deserves.

Sorry, not meaning to hijack your post, just reading your progress made me think of where I am now, and wanted to thank you for the hope.


You sound like you’re completely aware of it all @Mr_Kink1, that is, the ways you may sabotage your own healing, and that’s honestly a good thing. You’re aware of what you may do, and you’re doing your best to avoid it.

If there’s been no one else that’s said it, I’m proud of you for recognising these things and being able to use them to your benefit :hugs:

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@Mr_Kink1 please do join this conversation, knowing I am giving hope helps me massively.

Remember there will be good and bad times. Today I cried a lot telling a customer about the split. He is an older Man who enjoys telling me about his grandkids achievements etc and we have met up as families socially when they are in Wales. Broke my heart telling him because I know he cares.

But its a step forward not back that I can cry.

You will be fine in the end I promise.

Its 6 weeks for me. When I was getting changed after swimming I saw a text from him asking if I can take our son to his activity one day next week (Mr John normally takes our son). I replied that it was no problem.

I felt nothing, except glad that we can communicate in a decent manner.


It’s funny (well, not funny), I had a similar moment with my elderly neighbor I have been looking after since the first lock-down.
I had to tell her the other day when I went to see her. It really upset her, and took some convincing that she was not to blame (she was certain the time I spend helping her was an issue - it really hasn’t been).
Little moments like that just take me out of self and allow me to recognize me sh!tty thinking when left to my own devices.
My goodness, I certainly know I am human now at least, I have feelings, my eyes have leaked more water than I thought could ever be stored in a human body!

We do not have any ties outside of ourselves and our feelings. I do not know how things might work as friends, but need to ensure if we try that it is for the right reasons for us both, and that may need time to achieve.

@RacyRosalee Thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated!

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So glad youm doing so well @The_Little_Ladybird,reading yours and @Mr_Kink1 posts have gotten me evaluating my marriage/relationship with my wife.
Regarding your sleep have you heard of or tried autonomous sensory meridian response or as its known ASMR? I just put my headphones on select one of hundreds on YouTube and then lay there,relax and nod off which usually gets me a dig int ribs when i start snoring if i haven’t put my breathing apparatus on!!!

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@pootle I will take a look.
I woke at 3am, 5am, 6am and then on my alarm at 7am so it wasn’t too bad. Almost 5 hours unbroken.

I think thousands of people are in the situation we were in. 24 years with neither of us putting in any real effort. The blame is most definitely 50/50 but Im not dwelling in the past, its done.

If you can work on the relationship do, but knowing when it is time to move on is powerful.
Im certain that I was heading for a breakdown if things hadn’t been addressed.

Feeling mentally stronger while Im 6 weeks out says it all x


Just love your positive attitude @The_Little_Ladybird I hope your confidence is also high, you are one strong lady.

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Agree with @The_Little_Ladybird, knowing when things are not right is very powerful. And very painful at this time for me, and confusing also.

For me and Mrs K we have always been open and honest with each other, and have grown a lot. As part of that I think sub-consciously she realized things were not right for her, and in a way, defense systems kicked in to protect her from getting hurt.
There is obv a lot more to it than that, and we have talked a lot about much of it that of course hasn’t been shared on here.

If there are things not happy with or needs aren’t getting met, finding the right way to talk about them together I think is really important - one thing that seems obvious to you might be seen completely differently in eyes of your wife. To talk about stuff without getting into the blame game and blowing stuff up can be quite tough.

I wish you luck, and there are always counselling options available either as solo or a couple.

@littlespoons do you get the tingles from asmr? I think I’m dead inside as I’ve listened to hours and hours and nothing, not even the remotest hint of a tingle…
@JoCat only tried brown noise once but i need to give it another go.

@pootle yes I do. It depends what I listen to though. It usually has to be fast and aggressive mic brushing or head/ear massage. You should try out a few new styles and then maybe they will come back.

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Brown noise is like waves crashing, it makes my brain feel like there are no thoughts. Like someone stroking your hair and head. I love it. But there is pink and white noise too that are a bit different.
Asmr does nothing for me except annoy me :rofl:

Everyone has a different thing that does it for them, you just have to find yours.


@JoCat do you listen all night or ?

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I play the long ones all night, I find I don’t wake up as much and even when I do wake up a bit earlier in the morning, it’s easier to just doze and make my mind still.

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I’m not sure if I’m allowed to share the link so I’ll tell you the name of the one I’ve been playing…

Brown noise 8 hours, for Relaxation, Sleep, Studying and Tinnitus. The channel is Jason Lewis - Mind Amend. He has lots of different playlist.

Calm has a soundscape called Brownian Noise and you can set a timer for how long you want it to play. There are a good amount of soundscapes on there for a variety.

Spotify has a Brown Noise playlist (other colours are available if you prefer) and that is various brown noise videos for a variety. The playlist can run for 12 hrs 12 mins. I’ve just discovered this one and I really like it, will be trying this tonight.

Sometimes in work if I can’t focus I’ll play brown noise for a few mins just to clear out the old.

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@JoCat you are an angel :innocent:

@JoCat I tried the brown noise. Took ages to get to sleep, like I was trying to decide what it sounded like (rain, the sea, traffic, jungle). But then only woke twice and back to sleep quickly. May try a different variation tonight.

I know my mind / brain is recovering and thats the reason its no longer shutting down and letting me sleep for 12 hrs straight when Im stressed. I never questioned why I did this.

When people said they would lay awake worrying I just couldn’t relate. It was like a switch being turned off, clever but unhelpful coping mechanism. I suppose I spent much of my life hiding my feelings (particularly from myself).

Im still feeling positive. I know that I couldn’t have remained in the relationship and faced my demons.