No sex for 3 years and vaginal tightness

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Apologies if it's tmi or breaks the rules but the title really says it all.

My wife and I are trying to get our sex life back on track. We have tried penetrative sex on only 3 occasions I can remember in the last 12 months. We made no progress as my wife was too dry (no lube in stock) and I am not one to force myself on her. Not a chance.

My wife has seen the Dr in the last 5 months and been prescribed a form of hrt that is inserted. This has has some impact but not enough.

We tried to have a good old night of passion last weekend but failed owing to dryness and tightness. Despite copious amounts of Durex Play which seemed to absorbed I could only just insert one finger never mind anything else. We left it at that.

Neither of us have any experience of sex toys other that basic lube.

How do we "refresh the witness's memory" shall we say? We are both gagging for it and my wife was in tears on Saturday saying she wasn't a proper woman as she couldn't get wet enough or open enough for penetrative sex. My wife in tears is distressing for me also.

I did suggest we had a trip to the opposition's local branch shop but she handily slept in till lunchtime and the chance to slip in and out unoticed passed us by.

There is no pressure from me at all. We are a loving hugging handholding couple who just want to be intimate again. We are both 50 and my wife had a full hysterectomy 8 years ago and until recently was ot on HRT.

How do we get things physically opened up? Is it just a case of patience and bit by bit?

2

I'd recommend a different lube, probably a thicker one. Sliquid Sassy might be useful. It's designed for anal so has a thicker consistency, it's suitable for vaginal use and toys too. I don't like durex lubes at all, I find they dry up too quickly and don't really aid penetration at all.

Have you tried giving her a clitoral orgasm before attempting any sort of penetration? That might warm her up and relax her enough for you to be able to try with a finger or two.

She may be thinking about past occasions where penetration hasn't been able to happen which could cause her to subconsciously tense up. Have you tried getting the mood set first, candles, music, massage?

3

Firstly, Hi and Welcome!

Sorry to hear about your troubles, sounds like you're being the perfect gent in understanding your OH's distress.

Is it just penetrative sex that's an issue or is any penetration a no-go, a finger for example?

What I will say is that in my experience, despite being the most well-known and readily available brand, Durex lubes are crap. Like, really crap. I'd recommend a lube such as Liquid Silk; maybe even an anal lube like Maximus. Reason being they are designed to be longer lasting so aren't as quickly absorbed by the body. But don't despair, it sounds like lots of trial and error could be needed but you both sound both patient and determined, so I'm sure you'll get there :)

4

NatandTom wrote:

I'd recommend a different lube, probably a thicker one. Sliquid Sassy might be useful. It's designed for anal so has a thicker consistency, it's suitable for vaginal use and toys too. I don't like durex lubes at all, I find they dry up too quickly and don't really aid penetration at all.

Have you tried giving her a clitoral orgasm before attempting any sort of penetration? That might warm her up and relax her enough for you to be able to try with a finger or two.

She may be thinking about past occasions where penetration hasn't been able to happen which could cause her to subconsciously tense up. Have you tried getting the mood set first, candles, music, massage?

+1 to this! All excellent advice and Sliquid products, though a bit more pricey, are far and away the best option as they are good for sensitive skin as well. I'm sorry to hear that she's so upset. Throw that lube away and invest in a better one. I'm 25 and Durex dries me out too! Nothing to do with her that it's a bad product. That being said, the clit stimulation should help her to relax. She's probably self conscious about it now and sometimes that can psychologically lead to problems. Maybe beyond that try sensual massage to relax one another. Good luck!x

5

As the others have said try a better quality lube. I have heard som many negative vibes about Durex lubes , I wouldn't even consider it.

Penatrative sex istn'tthe the bees knees and end all anyomre like it used to be. Unless of course you are trying for kids. So just think outside the box a bit with plenty of foreplay and don't forget the kissing and cuddling bit, its all as important.

Toy wise . A good body wand would be a goood investment as it can be used on each others bodies. Perhaps you could look at erotic massage as well .Plenty of things to look at.

6

Hi and welcome!

It's great to see a man be so considerate of the issues facing your wife, which obviously impact you both!

The above advice from NatlandTom and Sex squid is great and I must echo the don't waste your money on durex, pjur is a great brand and there are fab reviews on lovehoney for loads of different lubricants.

Perhaps another visit to the doctor or maybe your local sexually health and wellbeing clinic, the nurses and doctors specialise in sexually health and most have a walk in clinic, you can google it for your area or GUM clinic some are still called!

Hope this helps!

Lilmiss x

7

mysteron wrote:

As the others have said try a better quality lube. I have heard som many negative vibes about Durex lubes , I wouldn't even consider it.

Penatrative sex istn'tthe the bees knees and end all anyomre like it used to be. Unless of course you are trying for kids. So just think outside the box a bit with plenty of foreplay and don't forget the kissing and cuddling bit, its all as important.

Toy wise . A good body wand would be a goood investment as it can be used on each others bodies. Perhaps you could look at erotic massage as well .Plenty of things to look at.

+1

Sorry to hear your having a few problems at the moment,we have tried a few of the Durex lubes and never had any success with any of them we now use Lubido and that is a really good lube.Something you could also try if you are using a water based lube is keeping a small spritzer bottle of water to spray on if you find it is being absorbed too quickly.Like NatandTom said try bringing her to a clitoral orgasm before you even attempt penetration.Finally as you are both sex toy virgins spend some time exploring the site together I am sure you will find plenty of things for you to try together.Good luck.

8

I'd highly recommend getting a thicker, gel like lube - this one is great and it's mostly natural ingredients: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=11373. It says it's for anal use, but it can be used for any type of sex. I've found this works way better than lubes like the durex ones and it's well worth the price.

I'd also suggest she asks her Dr to prescribe her dilators (you can buy them online if she doesn't want to ask her dr, but they cost around £40) as they are a huge help to many women with issues like this.

9

hi,

Firstly well done to both of you for trying to sort this out in a proper manner and not just 'sweeping it under the carpet'!

As others have said use a thicker lube and also try a non water based lube too. Water based lubes tend to be absorbed and dry out more quickly compared to silicone lubes... so may be worth a try.

That should help with the dryness, but wont help with the tightness. Im sure, and Im no expert here, that some of the tightness may be attributed to her not being able to relax. Im sure the focus of both your intimacies are to have sex, and this pressure may inadvertantly be stressing her out whether either of you realise it or not.

Try taking the focus away from the sex and enjoy each other in different ways. Using oils and giving each other massages... intimate and non imtimate to help relax. See if you guys can get her to orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone, taking your time, massaging her, bringing her up and down to relax into the whole thing. Maybe look at some vibrators or wands on here to help you out too.

Either way, I know the stress of it all can be horrible so really hope it works out for you guys some how - but never give up!

10

Vaginal moisturizer vs lube?

There are prescription based products to address vaginal dryness or an OTC like Replense.

Agree on dilators to help open up.

11

Hi there,
Maybe a trip back to the GP ? There are various types of insertable hrt , it could be that a different one would suit your wife better. I've found that since my hysterectomy over two years ago I don't get quite as wet as i used to and some of that's probably down to age too ( I'm 52 ) . I always use a lube for every kind of sexual activity.
Maybe try a silicone based one ? They are alot thicker and last longer without drying out .
I know it's easy to say relax but when you've had a few failed attempts when you get into a mindset where you think it'll happen again and you automatically tense up . Hope you don't mind me asking but does your wife masturbate at all ? That can be helpful in becoming relaxed and getting to know the body's responses better. If she can have a clitoral orgasm that way then possibly try inserting one of her fingers to a level that she's comfortable with and gradually working up from there ,being well lubricated and completely relaxed .
I believe pelvic floor exercises also help keep things toned up and I've found they can make me produce more natural lubrication too .Hope some if this helps x

14

Hello!

I agree with the above saying that you should invest in better lube, and also to Violet wolf saying that dilatators could help, except that you can have the same results without spending on dilatators.

I've had a similar problem but except for the hormonal part.

First, you have to make sure that her hormones are at a right dosage.

If they are, then it's probably more of a mental block. Me and my bf used to barely have sex, and when we did, it hurt. It hurt even with fingers sometimes. Because of that, I was tensed up everytime we had sex because I was afraid it was gonna hurt again. I went to seek help and it ended up that my vagina muscles where contracting because I was afraid and because it was a reaction that I've learned in response to painful sex. So I had to learn to control them again. I did streching and kegels.

For the streching, dilatators can do, but you don't need them. Use your fingers instead. You can do the streching on her, it will help you to relax her muscles when you are there. Start by inserting a finger (or two), and then strech for 30 sec towrards her anus, then 30 sec on the side, and 30 sec on the other side. if she is too contracted, before streching her, have her contract around your fingers and then relax. do this a couple times

After a few times, you can upgrade by streching in diagonal. After, you can also stretch her with two fingers in the opposite dirrection (be careful with that one).

For the kegels, she may need to retone her muscles (because having them always contracted can cause them to be weaker). To do so, she can somply contract and then relax them, for a few sex and do a few reps. The most important part is the relaxing one.

there are a lot of variety and things that I didn't mention, but I was doing physiotherapy. Don't hesitate to find some help if you feel the need.

I don't now if she has the same problem as I had (or similar), but if she does, hope this helps xx

15

Silicone lube? as it does not dry out at all

16

Morning. I am new here too and having experienced similar problems I came here looking for help and advice, which I got in buckets full.
As others have said, clitoral stimulation is a very good starting point, takes the pressure off full blown see. I purchased the love honey clitoris stimulator, it had 4 different heads and is about £ 6.00 so it's a very cheap option to try something new out. Added lube and again as others have said not durex to the toy and myself and started to explore on my own clitoris stimulating. Amazing and an afternoon well spent on my part quite literally. This was only a couple of weeks ago and things are already heading in the right direction for me. Its improved the feelings and sensation downstairs.
I too have had many tears with my partner over this and he is understandable and doesn't give up on me or the situation.
Try the toy and the lube perhaps order it for her and give her chance to have some alone time with it, again taking the pressure off as she can do what she wants in her own time.
I hope this helps. It I certainly helped me

17

I can't speak for the hormone side of things as I have no idea what difference that would make in situations but I can speak for getting easier vaginal insertions.

I'd never had anything inside my vagina and when I masterbated I coud get a small finger in with my natural lubrication. When even using tampons with an applicator I could never get them in. My tip is to work your way up slowly, get some water based lube so it can be used on any toys or yourself/herself safely. I started with a bullet vibrator that came in a tiny penis casing. At first this was too big to get in so I used a lot of lube and just worked on inserting just the tip. If I was stressing or tensed up then I would stop, remember go slow. I then built this up, going in and out with it helped my body get used to something going in. Basically I just did this kind of thing, going slow. bit by bit, stopping when I got tense and just having fun with it. Moving up to two fingers, then three then bigger toys.

Have her try some things on her own, as she won't have pressure of someone else and it will just be her and her body so she can feel what's going on and what is good or bad. If she's arroused she'll naturally be more ready in her body. Just don't rush, don't tear anything, if it hurts, stop.

Most of all have fun :)