Not sure whether I have ever had an orgasm.

Hi there, I'm a newbie here and never spoke about this to anyone.

Basically I'm 25, have 2 young children and been with my partner for 7 years in May. I dont think I have ever had an orgasm. I want sex but dont really benefit from it, I tend t do just to please my partner or feel needed.

I have tried masturbating on my own and during intercourse and I get to a point where my body gets really tense and then nothing. Even during intercourse I get so tense and then nothing ( it feels a bit like a balloon where it gets blown up bigger and bigger and then it deflates) I just can't seem to let go, I have tried everything to relaxing and getting drunk but nothing. I'm worried that its because I was abused when I was little but I thought I was over that now.

Anyway last night it really pissed my partner off cos it feels he cant do it for me cos normally I just fake it. Is there any enhancers or pills I can take to help me. I feel like a freak.

Please be nice xx

If you were someone I knew I would be telling you that problems with orgasm are not uncommon and can be for physical or psychological reasons or both. That means you are not a freak in any way. The second thing I would suggest is that you need to seek professional help so that you and your partner can be guided through this properly. I would start with talking to your GP rather than looking for answers in enhancers or pills which may just lead to further challenges for you.

Go and see your GP (or a nurse at the practise) and talk it through. It may be a physical cause or there may be a psychological one holding you back, which is the more likely. Although I'm no expert, there is a good chance it is due to the abuse. Your GP can refer you to a specialist who can help you address the issues stopping you from having an orgasm. I know the idea is daunting but I promise you it will be worth it.

You are definitely not a freak.

Hey Kiki,

First of all do not worry, everyone here is super nice and as helpful as they can be. You are not a freak and you are not alone. It is reasonably common for young women to struggle to reach their first, and may I add it is also pretty common for the ones who can orgasm, to struggle at times too!

I cannot remember having a problem learning how to orgasm. It just took me by surprise one day. However in the last 5/10 years I have gone through periods of time where I just "couldn't" anymore (for weeks or months at a time) It frustrated me and my partners I understand that part.

Anyway I can tell you that one of the main reasons for this happening is being too tense, or thinking too much (Stressing) about it. (Rather than it being caused by a medical condition) I can sense that you already know this and have tried numerous ways to combat it, but nothing has worked so far. So this is difficult to give advice that you probably havent already tried or dismissed. Anyway:

First thing is first: You need to learn about your own body, alone. I know this sounds selfish to your partner, and I am not saying stop having sex or anything of the sorts. I dont know about you but I know that I find myself under more "pressure" to perform when I am with a partner. The thoughts (What if I can't cum...and all thoughts that spin off from that) just add more pressure and tension to the situation and can often just switch you off from even trying.

Try to get some time alone, preferably an hour or two where you wont be disturbed. Ok, now the trick is to stop thinking about what you are feeling. "Does this feel good" "Am I building up" "Oh shouldnt I be close by now" all these kind of thoughts are going to help stop you from being able to relax. I cannot stress enough how big a deal this is. When you start to "go into your head" as I call it, and start having worrying or negative thoughts, its like pouring water on a fire. It just kills it. Pushing the thoughts out of your head and just properly relaxing is easier to do alone.

The next thing to do is to start touching yourself. Try different places, different speeds and pressures and when something feels just "nice" remember it, keep doing it along with other things that feel "nice" Do not even think beyond this, just enjoy the sensations at the time. Your goal at this point is not an orgasm. In fact if you make not having an orgasm your goal, it will also take off some pressure. The goal right now is to do things that feel nice.

Next, find things that stimulate your thoughts (Not the bad thoughts) Do you enjoy laying back with your eyes closed and fantasising in your head? Do you enjoy reading some erotic stories? Watching some porn? Sexting your boyfriend....etc etc. Once you have discovered what titilates you, and what "feels nice" from the touching. You can combine the two. It probably wont happen the first time, the second time etc. Its a learning curve but remember the goal now is not to cum, just do do something that feels good.

When things start to feel good then comes the final and maybe the hardest step, letting the feelings come. Although building up to an orgasm is "kind of" like how you described (This pressure building) It also sounded a lot like maybe you tense up at this point, trying to hard to orgasm, or unconsciously trying to dull the sensation because it makes you nervous about losing control, both of these will cause your body to become reallyyyy tense. Now I know that my muscles start to rhythmically tense and relax as I build up, if you are CONSTANTLY highly tense all over and not breathing etc then you are probably too tense. This will also make it harder to orgasm. So my suggestion; As the feelings get nicer or just start feeling different, firstly, no thinking. Nope none! Dont think about why, or when, or what does this mean. Continue to think (or watch) or enjoy your fantasies and dont even think about orgasm. Dont start trying to push for it, and if you feel your body start to tense because you are nervous about losing control remember this, you are not trying to orgasm, and even if you do orgasm you are not "out of control"

Really an orgasm feels intense, but in a nice way, it lasts for about 10 seconds and you can still think clearly and rationally, you can still move every part of your body that you wish to move at any time, I mean, if, mid orgasm, someone burst in to your room, you would have perfect control, you would grab the quilt, pull it over yourself and be able to control your breathing and movements....I guess what I am trying to say is, you wont lose control of yourself at all. (If you have only ever seen women have "orgasms" in porn, it can seem scarier than it really is!! They are so over acting!)

Anyway to sum up, most women who struggle, struggle because of not relaxing (even if they think they are) practise alone, practise as much as you can WITHOUT PRESSURE. If negative thoughts wont go, stop and try later. Try to push everything out of your head other than stimulating thoughts. (That is important) Dont focus on your body. Focus on what it feels like specifically between your legs, when feelings build, dont change what you are doing, dont go "into your head" and over think those feelings just enjoy them, think of it as an experiment, nothing can hurt you, none of the feelings will make you lose control, you will not pee or explode or anything but if thoughts like this are on your mind, minimise them beforehand by doing things like masturbating in the bath or with a towel down. Try different sensations. If no feelings build just relax and end your session and try later.

Can I tell you something? The first time I ever orgasmed I didnt even know what one was, not only that but I cannot remember the touching feeling "good" I cannot remember a build up. I was just sat in my room watching tv and playing, not even aware of good or bad feelings, I was engrossed in the tv show! lol Then BAM! (What was THAT!) So I guess what I am trying to say is, dont think, dont even try to feel (only feel the good things)

Ok lastly, I dont "think" there are pills or enhancers that can aid orgasm. There are some lotions that can "heighten sensation" which just makes your clitoris feel warm or tingly or cool and tingly and can make women orgasm faster or more intensely. However I dont know if they will help here. Anyway heres a good page of products to look at if you are interested in these:

Have you ever tried a vibrator? I would suggest trying a vibrator before you tried the lotions listed above. They are "more likely" to help. I really find that when I am going through periods of time when I cant orgasm because of over thinking things, that a vibrator can push me to an orgasm easier than my hands. However they are a strange sensation to get used to at first, so start small (Maybe a bullet) and again, experiment :D

I hope something here has helped. I really hope you get your orgasm soon!

Holy crap! Sorry I went on a bit....

well said FB, all of it, :-) the best way i've always found for the anything to happen is not to try, but just go with it and not to worry if it does not. I even stop myself sometimes before I go over the edge, just so that when it happens next time it's even bigger,

good luck, relax and enjoy,;-)

Hi Kiki!
Firstly you are NOT a freak!! I am in the same boat as you x I've never had one either. I'm 31, happily married, have a kid, a great life, but I am missing that one experience I lust after so much.
I've faked it for so long, that I have really shot myself in the foot so to say. I am becoming more honest in when I don't, or if I think I have come close. But I still fake it to make my OH feel better.
Ive tried lots of toys to try and 'get there' and nothing has worked. But I keep trying! I don't want to concede defeat, and give up. So I keep exploring, and trying different things. With my partner, and solo.
I think with time, and a lot of patience, and a bit of experimentation it is possible, for us all. We just need to find out what that secret recipe is x
I wish you all the best of luck Hun x

You're not a freak at all, so many women struggle to orgasm, even those who have previously managed can go through spells where they just can't do it. Try not to put pressure on yourself, just play and experiment without making orgasm the end goal, figure out what feels good for you.

If it's something that appeals to you, I'd try a simple bullet vibrator and see if that helps. I thought I was having orgasms for a while before I bought my first vibrator, but turns out I wasn't! Compared to what I felt with a toy, the good feelings I'd had before were just tiny little flutters. Even now I really struggle to orgasm without a toy, fingers alone just don't seem to work for me.