Well, I must be honest with you, specially for the good reception I always have every time I post in here, even though I'm not a heavy user of this place.
A few days ago I created a thread to talk about certain things that turn me on, but I actually did it to feel things out first, to explore the territory before tossing out the real deal.
I already visited too many online forums and Internet communities, and yet I never have the guts to get this out of my chest. This site is one of my last chances, I'm afraid. Please, try to understand.
Sorry if I'm redundant, too.
I'm a guy in his late 20's. A little shy, maybe, specially when it comes to talking with others about sex, unless it's a one-on-one intimate conversation. I have plenty of fetishes and fantasies and kinks, all of them within the range of what's healty. No underage girls, neither bestiality nor physical abuse of any kind.
But there's a fantasy subject that turns me on as much as it makes me feel so damn guilty. It's about mother and son incest.
As I'm writting this, I see myself in need of immediatly pointing out that it doesn't involve my real biological mother. Maybe this indication will help me to be read by you with a little less disgust.
Nonetheless, I admit that some of the traits I find attractive in girls and women, are related to certain traits that belong to my mother. I guess it has a lot to do with the first impressions about sex you experience as a child, which leave a deep imprint on your mind for the rest of your life. For instance, I love petite, short women with tiny, perky tits. And my mother happens to match that body type. I remeber spying on her out of curiosity when I was three or five years old. I mean innocent curiosity. Every kid does it at least one time: getting into the bathroom as your mom (or dad, if you are a female) as she is taking a shower, and looking at her naked body, the first naked body of the opposite sex you ever see. That same curiosity led me to explore the drawer where she kept her undergardments. I learnt the basics of female underwear thanks to my mom's. And panties are, in fact, one of my many fetishes. That's as far as anything related to actual incest I go.
But I'm slipping off at a tangent.
The thing is that, among thousands of any sort of fantasies, those about incest between mother and son turn me on so much. And I feel guilty about it. I would imagine that certain actress or pornstar or neighbor is my actual mother, and get off to that scenario. But I can't shake off my mind the idea that I'm doing something wrong. Wrong beyond the situation in itself (turns out that, within that scenario, wrong and sin are notions that, on the contrary, add to the arousal), wrong as a whole, wrong from the outside. Am I being clear?
It's like I'm messing with something as sacred as motherhood is. It never got in the way of neither my relationships or my sexual life, so there's no need to see these fantasies as a problem, as an obstacle to a healthy sexuality. Yet, I feel that I'm doing something awful by fantasizing about this. And those feelings of guilt are the actual problem, because I enjoy watching, for instance, incest porn (be it movies or images or blogs), it makes me happy and leaves me satisfied... until I reach orgasm. After that, is all downhill from there. I start to feel anguished and dirty and unworthy and immoral and so on.
One thing that gets me so excited is to use phone chat lines to talk to women older than 30, and asking them advice about the lust I feel towards my so-called mother. I love their reactions, they turn me on so very much. Some of them even accept to play that game and ask me for details, and we both enjoy the moment. But it's always the same: after cumming, guilt appears.
I don't want to give up that part of my sexuality. I just need to embrace it without feeling I'm disrespecting or profaning motherhood or even the bond between my mother and me (even when I know it has nothing to do with her).
There are two ways of working this out, as far as I was able to think of a solution. One is to vent my desires and fantasies through a blog, writting about this and exploring this fantasy as deeply as possible. I've already started to do this; I'll give its eventual therapeutic usefulness a try. The other (and way more difficult and complicated) is to share this fantasy with an older girlfriend, if I happen to know any, and suggest her to act out this as a role play. Not that I want to consider it a defeat beforehand, but I'm dubious and skeptic about it. I don't think any sane woman would say yes. Instead, they are more likely to run away disgusted. At least that's what I think. Hope time could prove me wrong.
Well, that's it. Anything (and I mean anything) that you can say to me, it will be so much appreciated.
Thanks for reading.