I've been unsure about whether or not actually posting about this will do me any good but I've seen in the past how supportive the community has been with others in similar situations so I thought it would be worth just getting it out there and getting some advice.
Basically, I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend when I was still a virgin. He did it anally to 'save my virginity' or whatever and until recently, I've been unable to do anything of that type of thing. I never pressed charges because I was a naive teenager at the time of the assault and thought as he was my boyfriend and that I was in a compromising position (we were heavy petting in an alley) so I thought it was my fault for not being smarter (which I now know is completely INSANE).
I started getting heavily into feminist theories and literature and I realized that for years I'd let it grow into an issue and giving him power over me and my body by never talking about what happened so I've been to therapy and have developed great techniques for coping over the last few years. I feel pretty proud of myself for getting my ass into counselling (seriously recommend it!). Fastforward to today and my new partner is unbelievably supportive and we have a very open and communicative relationship. I've now had anal sex with my OH and LOVE it, we've had no difficulties with panic attacks or flashbacks at all, except for a few relieved emotional tears after the first time.
The other day, however, I had a breakdown during sex. We've invested in bondage restraints. I've used ties and basic cuffs before with no problems so I thought it would be okay and I was super excited about it. During, he suggested anal and I flew off the handle. Crying, well sobbing like an animal basically, I shared the entire experience which I'd only hinted at before. My partner basically said he thought I had been raped, which I'd never defined it as before because it's one of those hard to define moments and I'd always thought of my assault as smaller than that term. I know this thing will stay with me for life but I've never really felt like a victim before now and I'm a bit worried about the impact this might have on my current sex life and relationship. I feel nervous again and any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry for such a tome of a post and just dumping my problems on y'all but I think it needed to be said.