Panic attack during sex. Advice needed please!

I've been unsure about whether or not actually posting about this will do me any good but I've seen in the past how supportive the community has been with others in similar situations so I thought it would be worth just getting it out there and getting some advice.

Basically, I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend when I was still a virgin. He did it anally to 'save my virginity' or whatever and until recently, I've been unable to do anything of that type of thing. I never pressed charges because I was a naive teenager at the time of the assault and thought as he was my boyfriend and that I was in a compromising position (we were heavy petting in an alley) so I thought it was my fault for not being smarter (which I now know is completely INSANE).

I started getting heavily into feminist theories and literature and I realized that for years I'd let it grow into an issue and giving him power over me and my body by never talking about what happened so I've been to therapy and have developed great techniques for coping over the last few years. I feel pretty proud of myself for getting my ass into counselling (seriously recommend it!). Fastforward to today and my new partner is unbelievably supportive and we have a very open and communicative relationship. I've now had anal sex with my OH and LOVE it, we've had no difficulties with panic attacks or flashbacks at all, except for a few relieved emotional tears after the first time.

The other day, however, I had a breakdown during sex. We've invested in bondage restraints. I've used ties and basic cuffs before with no problems so I thought it would be okay and I was super excited about it. During, he suggested anal and I flew off the handle. Crying, well sobbing like an animal basically, I shared the entire experience which I'd only hinted at before. My partner basically said he thought I had been raped, which I'd never defined it as before because it's one of those hard to define moments and I'd always thought of my assault as smaller than that term. I know this thing will stay with me for life but I've never really felt like a victim before now and I'm a bit worried about the impact this might have on my current sex life and relationship. I feel nervous again and any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for such a tome of a post and just dumping my problems on y'all but I think it needed to be said.

I'm not the person to help here. I come from similar experience but don't want to encourage the way I cope so I will just be sending you lots of warm thoughts and hope that you feel more comfortable in yourself soon xx

I've not really got any helpful advice in all honesty, but I send my love and hugs to you.

Are you still attending counselling?

I'd agree with your partner, no matter who or how it happened, it was rape.
It's good to have it in the open with your partner though so he can understand if and when any issues arise

Lots of love xxxx

I would say your partner is correct ,technically if you have had sex without the other persons consent then the law defines that as being rape .

Because I havn't had any experience with this type of problem I can't really give any advice .

I think you have done the right thing though talking it through with your current partner who sounds as though he will be there to support you .

Anyway I will send you a well earned manhug and hope one of the other guys or gals can point you in the right direction .

Take care

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry that happened to you, and hope that you explain it properly to your boyfriend and he understands that he shouldn't pressure you in anyway to try anal. xx

My Ex did the same to me whilst we were in bed, he thought it would be funny and just tried to push it in whilst I was led on my front, it was agony (no lube and I'd never had anything UP there) I've never considered it 'rape' as we were having consensual sex at the time. But I was mortified and I ruled out anything in that department.

I actually was recently diagnosed with an internal tear, after a year of bleeding on and off from that area, I'm a 100% sure its because of what he did, and I've been very self concious and unsettled by my own bum hole ever since.

I recently plucked up the courage to tell my OH about the issues down there, it was a hard conversation to have for me but he was very understanding, he knows thats not an option for me.

On the upside I actually really like the idea of anal now, so I have mostly gotten over my physoligical issues with it, unfortunatley health-wise its just not an option. But at least theres some hope that with time and support you may find a way to detach the idea of Anal from what this horrible human did to you xxx

Thanks guys. The support alone is nice to hear.

I'm not in counselling anymore. I took CBT two years ago and have only had one panic attack (well 2 now I guess). Frankly, I just don't have the time to fit it in.

Echo32B wrote:

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry that happened to you, and hope that you explain it properly to your boyfriend and he understands that he shouldn't pressure you in anyway to try anal. xx

My Ex did the same to me whilst we were in bed, he thought it would be funny and just tried to push it in whilst I was led on my front, it was agony (no lube and I'd never had anything UP there) I've never considered it 'rape' as we were having consensual sex at the time. But I was mortified and I ruled out anything in that department.

I actually was recently diagnosed with an internal tear, after a year of bleeding on and off from that area, I'm a 100% sure its because of what he did, and I've been very self concious and unsettled by my own bum hole ever since.

I recently plucked up the courage to tell my OH about the issues down there, it was a hard conversation to have for me but he was very understanding, he knows thats not an option for me.

On the upside I actually really like the idea of anal now, so I have mostly gotten over my physoligical issues with it, unfortunatley health-wise its just not an option. But at least theres some hope that with time and support you may find a way to detach the idea of Anal from what this horrible human did to you xxx

Sounds very similar to my experience actually. I had physical problems for 2 years afterwards. Luckily, mine were relatively simple to heal in the end after seeing a doctor. Can I just ask, how long ago did this happen? I'm just wondering because mine was 5 years ago and I'm still apparently not detached from the experience.

bex1213 wrote:

Echo32B wrote:

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry that happened to you, and hope that you explain it properly to your boyfriend and he understands that he shouldn't pressure you in anyway to try anal. xx

My Ex did the same to me whilst we were in bed, he thought it would be funny and just tried to push it in whilst I was led on my front, it was agony (no lube and I'd never had anything UP there) I've never considered it 'rape' as we were having consensual sex at the time. But I was mortified and I ruled out anything in that department.

I actually was recently diagnosed with an internal tear, after a year of bleeding on and off from that area, I'm a 100% sure its because of what he did, and I've been very self concious and unsettled by my own bum hole ever since.

I recently plucked up the courage to tell my OH about the issues down there, it was a hard conversation to have for me but he was very understanding, he knows thats not an option for me.

On the upside I actually really like the idea of anal now, so I have mostly gotten over my physoligical issues with it, unfortunatley health-wise its just not an option. But at least theres some hope that with time and support you may find a way to detach the idea of Anal from what this horrible human did to you xxx

Sounds very similar to my experience actually. I had physical problems for 2 years afterwards. Luckily, mine were relatively simple to heal in the end after seeing a doctor. Can I just ask, how long ago did this happen? I'm just wondering because mine was 5 years ago and I'm still apparently not detached from the experience.

It happened a year ago, but its only very recently that I've started to see anal in a more positive light, being on here and seeing everyones positive expeirences and even hearing from women who love it more than vaginal sex. And also (I hope my OH doesn't miind me sayiing this) but we have started to explore anal on him and seeing him enjoy it really helps, being careful with him and exploring this new area together has made me feel a lot closer to him and its really helped move away from the idea that 'anal is pain'. xx

By the sounds of it though your expeirence was more traumatic, and it does sound like he raped you, which obviously is going to leave some emotional scars :( I hope you can get the help you need. xx

I've had a similar experience although mine wasn't anally an went on for 5 years I don't really know what to say advice wise. Seeking help was the right thing to thought as I have never spoke about mine apart from my oh which id say do make him aware of any triggers you may have as well so he knows. I still get the old flash back now 8 years on. It'll will never go away completely. But id say just take it a day at a time

Echo32B wrote:

bex1213 wrote:

Echo32B wrote:

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry that happened to you, and hope that you explain it properly to your boyfriend and he understands that he shouldn't pressure you in anyway to try anal. xx

My Ex did the same to me whilst we were in bed, he thought it would be funny and just tried to push it in whilst I was led on my front, it was agony (no lube and I'd never had anything UP there) I've never considered it 'rape' as we were having consensual sex at the time. But I was mortified and I ruled out anything in that department.

I actually was recently diagnosed with an internal tear, after a year of bleeding on and off from that area, I'm a 100% sure its because of what he did, and I've been very self concious and unsettled by my own bum hole ever since.

I recently plucked up the courage to tell my OH about the issues down there, it was a hard conversation to have for me but he was very understanding, he knows thats not an option for me.

On the upside I actually really like the idea of anal now, so I have mostly gotten over my physoligical issues with it, unfortunatley health-wise its just not an option. But at least theres some hope that with time and support you may find a way to detach the idea of Anal from what this horrible human did to you xxx

Sounds very similar to my experience actually. I had physical problems for 2 years afterwards. Luckily, mine were relatively simple to heal in the end after seeing a doctor. Can I just ask, how long ago did this happen? I'm just wondering because mine was 5 years ago and I'm still apparently not detached from the experience.

It happened a year ago, but its only very recently that I've started to see anal in a more positive light, being on here and seeing everyones positive expeirences and even hearing from women who love it more than vaginal sex. And also (I hope my OH doesn't miind me sayiing this) but we have started to explore anal on him and seeing him enjoy it really helps, being careful with him and exploring this new area together has made me feel a lot closer to him and its really helped move away from the idea that 'anal is pain'. xx

That's really great. Sounds like you've also managed to find an open and caring partner. Like I said, I actually love anal. Can't believe what I was missing! It's a shame you can't try it... yet! I thought I'd never heal but never say never.

Things that helped me,

-Talking completely openly about my experience. Keeping it to myself for so long ate away at the back of my head.
-Make boundaries. Only start to cross them when you're totally ready.
-Don't feel afraid to say no at any point.


I hope this helps.

Daelia wrote:

I'm so sorry. I've had a very similar experience. My virginity was lost through rape at 13. And it's a heart wrenching to see you're going through the same.

Things that helped me,

-Talking completely openly about my experience. Keeping it to myself for so long ate away at the back of my head.
-Make boundaries. Only start to cross them when you're totally ready.
-Don't feel afraid to say no at any point.


I hope this helps.

I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I'm afraid your post will be deleted as Lovehoney Cant leave any comments of underage sex/abuse/assult on here :(

Oh I'm sorry! Could I copy the advice and leave my experience out of it? I apologise for breaking the rules.

Daelia wrote:

Oh I'm sorry! Could I copy the advice and leave my experience out of it? I apologise for breaking the rules.

I expect so, your advice is very good and valid it would be a shame to lose it :) xx

Daelia wrote:

Oh I'm sorry! Could I copy the advice and leave my experience out of it? I apologise for breaking the rules.

Probably, I have read it already though and really appreciate the advice. Awful that this happened to you. Why are there so many of us??? It's shocking that we're still dealing with this on such a massive scale in the 21st century.

Also, just to be clear to everyone, I was 19 at the time. Still a teenager but not underage.

Daelia wrote:

Oh I'm sorry! Could I copy the advice and leave my experience out of it? I apologise for breaking the rules.

Honestly don't worry yourself abouit it . Its a honest mistake many of us have made on here . Trust me you won't be the last

I doubt it'll ever be fully sorted. It's been happening since the dawn of time, and only in this last century became a social stigma.

Daelia wrote:

I doubt it'll ever be fully sorted. It's been happening since the dawn of time, and only in this last century became a social stigma.

Actually the Romans had anti-rape laws 2,000 years ago and Lucretius called coerced, violent sex primitive behaviour outside the bounds of advanced civilization. We have had plenty of time to get our act together.

Sorry. Just gets me so angry.

I was thinking more specifically saxon, celtic. The Romans were very progressive though so that doesn't surprise in the least!

Either way, hopefully one day it'll just click for people. And we get on with sorting out things that shouldn't be so obvious.

It is sad that such horrible things happen to so many people. And a lot of the time its by people we trusted well it was in my case. I was under age when my abuse first began. People should definitely have the courage to speak at thought.