Any advise my partner has had no desire now for about 3 years I was able to pressure him into it once last year but as it'd been so long and he's big it hurt so I was unable to persuade him to try again. Although I know he loves me there isn't much in the way of affection outside of the bedroom either we have fought a good few times about the fact that he recoils from my touch.
I know that I'm still attractive as I have friends who'll flirt with me but I'm getting to the stage were I'm not even sure I want to continue with this as the only form of pleasure I get is with toys in the spare room (which happens to be my bedroom we don't even sleep in the same bed). If I climb into the same bed as him at night he'll get up after a couple of hours and claim he's too hot.
I can't see a way round this as I really do love him but don't feel I get it in return. My other problem is that I'm from a different country from him and we moved to his country I'd not be able to move home and still see my child because of the different laws to keep her I'd be stuck in a country I don't want to be in. I've been trying to get him to move back home with me for years and one minute he's all for it the next he's not.
I just want things to go back to how they were before we moved down here and his desire for me to return.
Any advise or help would be greatly appreciated and this has gotten to the stage of desperately upsetting for me.
Hi frustrated housewife, I can sympathise with you on this one. I am a partner whose libido is pretty low and I wrote a post on it earlier this week. Lots of people here at LH have read it and offered their kind support and suggestions. Maybe you would liek to take a look at it?:
Have you tried talking to him about all this? How did he respond?
It's always ends up with him walking off I wouldn't mind so much but there's no affection at all but every time I try to talk about it he rolls his eyes at me and says I don't want to talk/fight about it which means I'm spending time telling him I'm not talking sex will you at least not recoil when I touch you. I'm not that sexual a person myself but I want it more than once a year and I want hugged and kissed more than just when I point out I'm not getting it
I went through a spell when I just didn't want sex. Made that sound too simple! - There was so much going on in our lives, I just went off it. Thing was- every time I did feel a bit sexy, want a cuddle or to curl up with him- he pushed for more. Then, of course, I felt pressured and cheated and backed off completly. It took about a year- from realising he still loved me- to actually being cofident and wanting sex again. Because he always pushed for more... we went without even the most basic forms of affection for nearly 18 months. No kissing, no cuddles, nothing. It was really shit. I can't second guess why your's has gone off it- but I know how I felt. Sooooo guilty! But I really did recoil when he touched me, not because I didn't love him- even if I was in serious need of a hug- I still backed off- a hug wasn't enough for him, see? and as arguments go- it was easier to nip it in the bud- rather than wait for him to get all horny and start pushing for more. I hope I've made a bit of sense, helped a little.
Once life got a bit easier, some of the stress had gone- and we stopped worrying about sex(!) I woke up one morning feeling horny as hell- and sort of pounced on him. Obviously he was a bit shocked. We still had loads to work out, mine and his confidence was in pieces- but we got there in the end. So- light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so.
It's impossible to really get a proper analysis of the situation without you being able to get more information of him.
But from the surface there are two situations I have seen this attitude before. That's when suffering bad depression and alternatively when a relationship has broken down completely to the point of contempt but the party hasn't got the will or resolve to actually end it.
I was stuck in a relationship like this for years, due to her depression I simply had no emotional reassurance or affection from the OH and years of trying simply could not help or change it so I had to eventually move on after 6 years together.
I'm not going to be all doom and gloom, you really have to try and understand the underlying issues so that you can find out what the problem really is for him and if it is something you can make better. But do not expect him to make it easy for you.
I hope you can work this out, as after my experiences I hate to see others in unaffectionate relationships.
The most he'll ever say about it is that he's embarassed by his lack of drive my answer always being that has nothing to do with why you won't show me affection, a hug and a kiss doesn't take any kind of drive that's standard at which point he drops his head and walks away. Not sure what I'm supposed to do but thank you all for the support.
Did you have a good sex life before this situation?
Perhaps something has happened elsewhere in his life that has caused him to change? I'm not saying this is the case but perhaps he's questioning his sexuality.
It's going to be difficult to find out what his problem is if he cant or wont talk to you. Would he be open to going to marriage guidance conselling? I think they're called Relate now. It might be something that you can suggest.
Our sex life was satisfying. I honestly can't think what could've happened he just suddenly shut off from me and I've suggested councelling but he's not willing. I don't know maybe I'm just fighting a losing battle.
Our sex life was satisfying. I honestly can't think what could've happened he just suddenly shut off from me and I've suggested councelling but he's not willing. I don't know maybe I'm just fighting a losing battle.
Sorry but the question has to be asked - is there any possibility that there's someone else involved?
It has been suggested and I've asked him outright but he denies it. I told him only 2 weeks ago that if he didn't want me to leave so I can get on with life. His answer he has nowhere else to go.
So sorry about the situation you're in. I hope that it sorts itself out but I'm not sure what else you can do. It does sound like some sort of depression. Does he have any friends you could talk to and ask their opinion? See if he's changed towards them as well? Maybe they can help.
It seems to me that you really need to seek professional advice. If he won't go to see a counsellor with you then you should seriously think about going to see one on your own. That way you can at least unload the full story with someone who can help you put your thoughts in some kind of order.
The very fact that you are prepared to take such a step may bring home to your partner just how serious the situation is for you. Perhaps he is so tied up in his own problems that he doesn't even see this from your viewpoint at all.
He admitted it so I've kicked him out he's round at his mum's now although she's not happy about him being there he's only there because he has nowhere else to go I've told him straight I'm taking everything apart from his clothes and his books. Thank you all for your support I really appreciate it I'm just trying to decide on my next move now but I'm treading carefully so as not to make any rash decisions.