please read as i cant win whatever i do

Hi peeps i need some advice please i cannot get my guy to get excited about sex,,,i mean he does get a erection but thats it...i buy loads of toys costumes im a size 8 and not that bad looking

(see my profile pic) I try everything toys, costumes all sorts, sex outside i suggest and other things just to get him going,,,hes not gay,,,andhe says he loves me...what the hell am i doing wrong..and if u suggest talking to him...what do i say to him!!!

please advise me guys n gals xxxxthanks

Hiya HotnBirnie :)

Not having a go here but. . .your link on your profile appears to resemble a watered down version/copy of this forum! What your asking people to do, they already do here. *in peace*

In regards to your own problem would you say you had a higher sex drive/need for sex than your bloke? Sometimes that's just something we have to accept and live with unfortunately. You sound like you've tried everything from what you say so talking would be the next step. Does he work long hours? Have a stressful job? Just ask him straight, how much sex and of what type does he need and how often? See what he says. Myself, I have a sometimes manually hard job with a lot of mental stress thrown in and sex can be the last thing I want. My pajamas and a nice cuppa is all I need even when she's prancing around in Knickers+suspenders! :)
Best wishes
SG x


you do have to talk to him. You are not doing the seduction wrong, but what is wrong is the missing conversation about this issue. Toys and sexy lingerie are not working if there is an undedrlaying ussue. You have to ask him directly why he is not into sex.. It could be previous bad experience, or no experience and he is scared. Or it is possible he is not into sex at all,it does not appeal him, but he may still love you deeply if this is the case. But you have to ask and get to the bottom of the problem and not try to solve it with approaching him trying to get sex.

"I have been with my fella for 2 years and we have a very active sex life" I am confused.

Noon wrote:

"I have been with my fella for 2 years and we have a very active sex life" I am confused.

me too. Unless this is a recent issue in which case it could be stress, illness etc. I had low sex drive for last 2 months and since I submitted my dissertation last week its back in it high state without my partner seducing me into sex and I am more into it again, before then I was constanly worrying about the disseration. So I know how stress can kill it.

I do see what you mean he does have a very stressful job...and i guess he just gets tired...and when i said active sex life what i should have said was it varies...and the site that you refer to noon was a friends idea...which has already i already have a very very popular site on the web which has nothing to do with anything sexual...if i was going to plug my site i certainly wouldnt do it on here..because its not the same sort of thing its a scientific based website...sorry for confusing you all and i hope totalk to you all again soonx

Ah, ok cool :)

I would have thought a stressful job would not kill off your other half's libido entirely. Maybe the highly active aspect with costumes, toys and similar is too much for him? A nice sexy massage perhaps?

Ahh okay HnB! Sound!

You should definitely link your scientific website to your profile HnB because I for one would definitely be very interedted. I'm a R+D chemist for a fire fighting chemicals company (and professional skiver!). There are also loads of forum members who are science based! Sounds interesting! SG x

The reason as to why he seems to be "off" sex may be due to his personal issues which requires communication. It could be a lot of things but mood can play a big part.

How about starting off with one planned day/night a week that you both agree to have a romantic night in. Atleast then he'll be prepared and you figure out some sort of compromise. You could also try more subtle ways of "seducing" him. Just having a night together where you cuddle up and watch a movie can mean a lot!

I'd suggest also buying some sort of subtle sex game that will allow you to explore and experiment further together. It's a wonderful way of re-establishing a relationship and make things seem fresh. I can personally recommend this.

Someone is also trying to get rid of it on the Adopt a toy thread where you can in return buy something off their wishlist. Just contact them. It's under Novelties.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. =]

I think more than anything you need talk with your guy. There may be a number of reasons why he gets an erection but doesn't seem bothered about sex. You should ask if everything is ok with work, family and if he is concerned about anything.

He could like alot of others have said be stressed about something or even worried (men tend to hide these things well, its called caving). Does he tend to worry unnecessarily about his job, money, family etc

Maybe start with the basic's - sensual kissing, playful teasing and sensual massage but go no further (unless he really wants to). I would lay off the dressing up and toys for abit as it seems to be mind over load for him.

Hope things work out x x x

Thankyoux everyone and those are very good suggestions we are actually planning to go away on friday to adults only ill try what you have suggested,,,once again thankyou very muchx

It sounds like he really loves you, so it can't be that he's thinking of someone else; therefore, I wonder whether he is suffering from depression? If that was the case, he might well find full-on sexual advances a bit overwhelming. I would recommend having some subtle, sensual time together.

Hope you both have a wonderful weekend :-)

i did think that and i did ask him..and he said yeah he sometimes does feel down but as i said hes under a lot of pressure at work as he drives a train so he is constantly concentrating i think maybe it takes his mind a lot to get out of drive mode x i will go easy on him xxx

Maybe he's needs to take a holiday and relax.

Have you tried using stimulants such as viagra?

People have differing libidos. He might just not be all that interested in sex. Have you tried watching porn with him? Try and make out what situations (in porn) that seem to arouse him most. Perhaps that would give you some ideas.

My only idea that hasn't been mentioned ( unless i missed it! ) above, is the feeling of being pressured for sex. For me, not sure about other guys, it massively reduces my sex drive even though i'll still be turned on. It's odd, but if my OH is persistantly trying to seduce me, my will to do it just dissipates. So maybe a little time on his own to remember he wants you could help? Just a thought.

Stress can certainly be a passion killer. However, in my experience the real problem comes when the job has ongoing unresolved problems that you can obsess about when not at work. Driving is more likely to leave you on a bit of an adrenalin high that wears off after an hour or so but to a great extent you park the stress when you park the vehicle, unless of course there are other issues involved (like potential redundancies etc).

The adrenalin high is a possible issue. Apparently some long-distance truckers park up a short way from home and have a short sleep before going home as jumping out of the cab and straight into domestic life while pumped up from the drive is a recipe for a good argument! Maybe you need to make sure he has a bit of time to himself after work to wind down before you start trying to engage his libido. From personal experience, if I'm a bit stressed, I don't like to feel pressured to perform and in the past it has really annoyed me. To put it crudely I would have responded well to a "I'm here to be screwed when your ready" attitude but got a bit wound up if I felt it was a "f**k me soon or I'll sulk" situation.

Mr Boob I just read your post and wondered whether that might be the problem with my other half. I have a much higher sex drive. He's very much a once a week kinda guy and I really would have it three/four times if I got my way. I never say no but I never seem to get asked these days :( He didnt used to be like this, it was the other way around in fact and he's been to the doctor and got the all clear, nothing medical is wrong, he just doesn't have the sex drive he used to and gets pee'd off with me asking all the time.

So I can sympathise HnB, it is frustrating and disappointing, almost hurtful sometimes. Talking is hard when the response you get is 'I'm just tired/not in the mood'. Gets repetative and I try not to get upset by it, but really I'm scared to bring up sex now because I feel like a desperate saddo who has to beg for it!

And to top it all the battery ran out on my bullet vibrator :( What is a girl to do!!!