Porn...

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I guess I just need a rant.

When initially me and my OH started seeing eachother I told him I had no problems with him watching porn.

About 7 years later, that's no longer the case as we're now in the same house.

He went through a really bad stage when we first moved in and it was literally all he did when I wasn't in, so needless to say - I didn't get anything from him because he was never in the mood. I had anxiety problems which left, and then came back very quickly and I was at a point of hating everything about myself because I wasn't enough.

He re-assured me, I was, but I hadn't told him I had seen his web history at this point. (I thoroughly regretted seeing it all). It got to the point where I blocked the sites he visted. Our router maxes out after so many sites and needless to say, I used them all, just through his own links.

After countless arguments, (after I disovered photos of some friends he'd saved from online after typing some work up on his laptop) he finally apologised and agreed he had a problem and would seek help (and never did). The main kicker was he was looking also on the 'live chat' sites which was more than enfuriating. But then it wasn't just him - I needed to trust him more. I just avoided his laptop entirely and things got better. I started initiating sex again (but still only things happened if I started it).

For a good few months now things have been far better.

Now the tool left his laptop on standby, so going to turn it off and theres billions of porn sites. Again.

I don't know why I fucking bothered.

I love the guy, I really do. But he boils my piss at times it's just not funny anymore. He knows I'm trying to lose weight for our upcoming wedding but it's barely moving despite my efforts which makes me just unnhappy with myself even more.

Bah.

Guess who didnt get any yesterday, won't tonight and more than likely not tomorrow as he's home when I'm not :\

2

Sadly, Porn is a recognised addiction and if he's not careful, he could end up with erectile dysfunction which is increasingly common. There are also many support groups for porn addiction which may help.

My other suggestion would be to ban phones and tablets from the honeymoon ;)

3

Initially he said he would look for support and nothing ever happened after that - I must have to sort that out for him as well...

We only have iPhones, no tablets or anything like that. I don't think honeymoon would be an issue.

If we have a week off together, "normal service resumes" so to speak, because I'm there with him for the duration. Just when I'm at work during the week it was every day - and apparently is now again.

I want to mention it but I just seriously can't be arsed with the hassle that comes with it because he gets dead stressed and pouty, and in the end - I end up feeling guilty for getting upset at him in the first place!

Fucking. Argh. Trying to refrain from a verbal diahhrea going on right now...

4

i'm sorry but this may sound blunt, why on earth are you getting married?

You both have real problems here that are completely incompatible with a long term relationship.

There is nothing wrong with porn, so your complete ban on it, probably makes it more desireable. My husband and I have a great sex life but still both enjoy a bit of porn, seperately and together.

You cannot control your partner, so blocking the sites and looking at his computer history is disrespectful and pointless.

He is using porn so much, it has affected your sex life.

If you are unable to communicate, then your marriage will fail. You need to talk calmly and openly. Demands don't work. Why do you want him to dtop watching porn

5

why did you have no problems with it when you didnt live together but do when you DO live together ?

it seems super controlling to try and block websites from an adult to me , not a healthy sounding relationship at all .

6

I suspect that a big cause of your problems, relates to your self image.

He needs to reduce his porn usage but you need help too. You both need help with communication.

7

Somerland wrote:

Sadly, Porn is a recognised addiction and if he's not careful, he could end up with erectile dysfunction which is increasingly common. There are also many support groups for porn addiction which may help.

My other suggestion would be to ban phones and tablets from the honeymoon ;)

Porn is not an addiction, sometimes, some people can become hooked on it, but most people use porn purely for pleasure, with no ill effects.

And banning things from another adult, is doomed to fail.

8

BDSM wrote:

Somerland wrote:

Sadly, Porn is a recognised addiction and if he's not careful, he could end up with erectile dysfunction which is increasingly common. There are also many support groups for porn addiction which may help.

My other suggestion would be to ban phones and tablets from the honeymoon ;)

Porn is not an addiction, sometimes, some people can become hooked on it, but most people use porn purely for pleasure, with no ill effects.

And banning things from another adult, is doomed to fail.

I disagree completely. Porn is addictive and clearly it's having adverse effects in this relationship.

All this time he's at home watching porn, why is he not at work? Does he not have any friends or hobbies?

Could you "accidentally" smash the router to pieces and cut him off cold turkey? I'd put it right out there. "You need to stop watching porn or this is not going to work."

9

It could be due to the fact that the OP saw the "before" porn as ok as they weren't living together, therefore she didn't have to know about it. The porn he's watching now may have left her feeling unwanted due to him wanting that instead of her.

But I agree you should talk about it. Don't suffer in silence :)

10

When we first got together, I was 15, and didn't actually have sex until a year or so after getting together. I wasn't going to bash him over something I wasn't yet prepared to give him. (In case anyone jumps on this point - it was partial due to not being ready, and I wanted it to be legal)

The first time this all kicked off, the porn ban was his idea to try and help him - although I didn't think he realised how much he used.

I still wouldn't have a problem with him watching it, if it didn't affect our sex life. (And PinkLipstick, more or less yes! I didn't ever have to know/see what he did!)

The times when he is at home is because his shifts are more or less everywhere. He does work, just at different times of the day. No night shifts though.

As for initially finding his search history - it couldn't really be helped when he didn't clear out his search bar. Type any letter into the url bar and there were about 6 sites tied to each letter. (I will state he did know I was using the computer - he was in the same room. I just hadn't mentioned what I had saw)

We have the same set of friends, but I think majority are office hours. Hobbies - yes. He still does them in bits of pieces - but usually waits til I'm home as we have some the same (although mine is more a passing interest) and tries to encourage me to do more so we can do it together.

He definately doesn't like to talk about it. A few years back (despite that I'd said I don't mind) he asked me to fix his old laptop. He's 6 years older than me and not tech savvy. So I said I'd clean it and install a new antivirus.

Upon cleaning it, I just made a passing comment "Some viruses might be off some of the porn sites you visit". I didn't really have the time to pinpoint where they'd all come from, there were at least 20. All sorts of spyware and ad software and the like.

"I don't watch porn though."

"I was just saying if you did-"

"But I don't! I haven't watched any in years!"

I've calmed down considerably since last night - although bringing it up will probably have to wait until tomorrow as we're visiting family tonight.

Edit: Oh. Yes. Before I forget. When we first moved in and he was at work - I discovered that one of my vibrators was suitable for use in water. And made a joke about how showering could be more fun. I got a rather pouty and upset text back about me getting myself off while he wasn't there. So there we go. I get the pet lip if I do it.

11

Hi, sorry to hear of your issues.

It may be that porn is a syptom and not the cause and he gets a release from his stress / anguish by finding those sites. Is he stressed at work? Is he under pressure from your impending wedding? etc. The timeline suggests neither of these things but maybe something is chewing away at him that he can't express to you.

Not knowing the guy, it's difficult to suggest the route cause but that he got upset with your vibrator suggests he has inadequacy issues and maybe needs a confidence boost? How would he react if you used the vibrator while he was in the bed next to you? Would that freak him out, would it threaten him or would it turn him on?

The girls in porn present an open-mindedness / accessibilty that is non-threatening, he can tell the chat room girls what he wants to see and they don't judge him for it: Not saying you judge him by the way, but there's a safety net with chat rooms due to the anonymity they impart.

How is your communication outside this issue? Can you two talk openly or do a lot of your conversatons become argumentative? It could be he wants to try something new with you, but is embarrased to ask: Do his search terms focus on particular things? Something perhaps you two haven't done before?

Best advice: Short term, try and boost his confidence any way you know how, be genuine with this though, men like to be bigged up but we can smell insincerity. Long term: You need professional help.

You said he didn't want to talk about it, maybe he just finds it hard to talk to you and an impartial 3rd party would be easier for him to open up to.

My wife and I went to a marriage guidance counsellor because we were arguing about problems caused by my ex. In 3 sessions we were on the mend and we were given tools to help us once we terminated the course. It's been 3 years since we had our last argument and we both feel it was one of the best things we ever did.The experience was very enjoyable in fact.

I'm not a trained psychologist so don't consider what I've said as a clinical perspective: It's just friendly suggestsions intended to help.

Good luck!

12

From a guy's point of view, I do believe porn is an addiction but it's also "just something to do" when totally bored out your brain. And to be honest, usually after wasting hours in front of a computer I'd feel bad about it, not just the nature of the content, but the fact that I could've used my time more constructively. It would come in waves, some time I could easiely go without it and deactivate the adult website account I had but then after a while, I'd get drawn back in again and so the cycle continues. Half the time I don't know myself why I look at it - I mean you've seen it once you've seen it a dozen times. it's mindless entertainment after a while.

I had a life shattering experience earlier this year, and it stopped me in my tracks, I've only just returned here in fact, not that I really get too much involved in these forums, but it's an interesting place and makes me feel ok that it's okay to be interested in all things sexual.

Again I found myself being drawn back in just from the likes of You Tube - you know slightly sexy videos - but I feel this time I've got it under control and am not going to repeat it.

Retail therapy is great, but I'm hooked on ebay now........ aagh!

Good luck though - I hope you can help your future husband

13

theMightyBum wrote:

Maybe you two could try doing the stuff that goes on in the porn he watches?

Sorry if that sounds a basic and ridiculous answer. I'm not into porn so I haven't a clue what most of it depicts! I mean, other than sex, but I'm sure there's more to it than that?

I did develop an addiction a while ago, in the last 'serious' relationship I was in (not porn obviously). It largely came down to the fact that my OH at the time was rarely around, and even when she was around she wasn't really that interested in me. Oh she liked us to have sex, but very little else. I can count the number of romantic gestures she gave me in 4 years on the fingers of one hand...in fact on one finger...and most of her time was spent accusing me of things I had neither done nor had any intention of doing. So I began to withdraw into myself, and into my 'hobby', and before long it got out of hand. I didn't realise it at the time, but in a way I suppose I wanted her to care, and to pry me away from it, to show that she still wanted me. But she didn't. I honestly don't think she did care now that I look back. I think it was probably a good thing for her because she could leave me immersed in it and it saved her having to make any effort toward me.

Now I am NOT suggesting any of that applies to you...but as always in advice threads, all I do is write out my own experiences just in case you can pick up on even one or two little words that might make you think of something you hadn't considered :)

jeeez ... sorry to say it my friend , but she sounds like a proper bad un . sorry you had to go through that x

14

no . blaming yourself is no good x

15

hmmmmmmmmmm email me doofy x

16

If i were you i would sort this all out before you get married.

He needs to shape up and you need to be in a position where you trust him. Getting married will make it worse.

17

theMightyBum wrote:

geekboy wrote:

If i were you i would sort this all out before you get married.

Kinda sums it up in one line I think.

^2nded

18

Hi guys,

Just an update, not actually said anything to him as of yet but I've chilled right down.

As for other questions and things. I'm mildly hungover but remember reading questions!

Every other aspect in our relationship is pretty badass! We cook for eachother (which doesn't sounds as exciting but it's quite a weird bonding thing) and we go on walks. We're quite touchy-feely (obviously at times not in that way) but very affectionate and always sit hand in hand/snuggled on sofa kind of thing.

Communication outside of this is fine - he always seems a bit concerned that I'm upset if I'm quiet though (i'm not, I just don't have anything to say due to slow days at work and the like)

Quiet-guy seems to have it right I think. He literally sits on Youtube if not anything, and lurking on forums and the like.

As of recent I've really not been fussed on what he does in his spare time, and I think I probably had a bad moment and thought it was worse than it was really.

Doesn't help for hormonal imbalance from changing contraception so there we go :/

19

theMightyBum wrote:

Squish wrote:

Every other aspect in our relationship is pretty badass! We cook for eachother (which doesn't sounds as exciting but it's quite a weird bonding thing) and we go on walks. We're quite touchy-feely (obviously at times not in that way) but very affectionate and always sit hand in hand/snuggled on sofa kind of thing.

This sounds awesome and as I think you are suggesting, it may be worth tolerating the porn thing because everything else sounds really great for you two :)

Yeah. He does a fair bit for me, sometimes I can get in a horrific tiff, and it's not something I can really vent to friends/family! :P

The dude makes me home made weight watcher friendly tiramisu. It's love man.

20

quietguy wrote:

From a guy's point of view, I do believe porn is an addiction but it's also "just something to do" when totally bored out your brain. And to be honest, usually after wasting hours in front of a computer I'd feel bad about it, not just the nature of the content, but the fact that I could've used my time more constructively. It would come in waves, some time I could easiely go without it and deactivate the adult website account I had but then after a while, I'd get drawn back in again and so the cycle continues. Half the time I don't know myself why I look at it - I mean you've seen it once you've seen it a dozen times. it's mindless entertainment after a while.

I had a life shattering experience earlier this year, and it stopped me in my tracks, I've only just returned here in fact, not that I really get too much involved in these forums, but it's an interesting place and makes me feel ok that it's okay to be interested in all things sexual.

Again I found myself being drawn back in just from the likes of You Tube - you know slightly sexy videos - but I feel this time I've got it under control and am not going to repeat it.

Retail therapy is great, but I'm hooked on ebay now........ aagh!

Good luck though - I hope you can help your future husband

Got to partially agree with quietguy that porn can be addictive to guys, but then I think that the nature of the internet combined with broadband makes a lot of things things online addictive - e.g. forums, social networking etc. I would also agree with other comments made here, that the fact that you don't agree with it can make it more appealing. In my last relationship I think I made the most of time I had free to look when my ex wasn't around. We didn't break up because of it but I knew her views and viewing porn didn't really help things .

My OH now is happy for me to look and doesn't mind the occasional viewing herself but that's because our views on sex and porn are similar too - so the understanding we have is key here. She can actually joke about it with me. I don't look much now and actually find it dull sometimes as I much prefer the real thing plus like quietguy, I'm feel more guilty about the time wasted.

If everything else is great in your relationship then I wouldn't throw it away becasue of porn. He does need to get to grips with the addictiveness of it but if you help him understand what other hobbies/pastimes he could be using his time for that would make him happy, then I would encoruage those.