Hello everyone, I don’t have much people to talk to so here’s my rant.
I’ve been married for 2 years and recently had a baby. I don’t doubt my husband loves me but I don’t think he is attracted to me anymore. We barely had any sex during the pregnancy and although it’s only been 6 weeks since the baby was born, he hasn’t even tried to get close to me. He watches porn constantly and it’s getting me so depressed. He always watched porn, but before at least I had a decent body. Now I feel so disgusting with the extra weight and the Scars. I even caught him several times masturbating in the middle of the night to porn and my self esteem just plummeted, I feel he has to watch it just to look at something pretty.
I also get mad and resentful. Here I am being a mother and he’s acting like a Fing schoolboy. O am so scared its only been 2 years, i fear he will look for something else out there.
Im a mess
Forgot to mention, he had a very fullfilled Sex life as a young man. He has probably tried everything under the sun and he is my first. So I’m inexperienced and I don’t think he feels satisfied. (Pointers are appreciated, if he ever touches me again)
I’m no expert, but i think this happens a lot to new parents, it’s a mixture of seeing you in a different light as a mother. Maybe scared he will hurt you if the scars are pretty recent, the stress of a newborn in the house and all the demands that ensue. Then from what you say, your confidence has taken a huge hit. Being mad and resentful won’t help matters.
Sit him down and talk, tell him you want intimacy, and exactly how you are feeling, does he need to help out more with the baby to take some of the pressure off you? Above all, and i know this will be hard, you need to change your attitude to your body, it’s produced a baby, and that is a fantastic thing, but scars and a bit of extra weight are to be expected. Try to have confidence and be proud of your scars. Also, we men are often a bit slow on the uptake, dress up in something sexy and seduce him, make sure he knows you are not just a mom, but a sexy hot wife who wants him. I say this a lot, but the sexiest thing a woman can wear in the bedroom is confidence.
I hope this helps and think our other members with more experience of such things can help you too.
Hi @Unicorn2 , I’m in complete agreement with WillC! Talk to him.
Only 6 weeks after having your baby he is probably worried about hurting you and what you can and can’t manage at the moment. Reassure him you’re feeling ready and definitely do explain about your worries that you’re not attractive to him anymore (maybe not in relation to the porn but just that you don’t feel attractive). I am sure he doesn’t feel the same way but it might give him the boot he needs to show you that you are.
In terms of experience, it’s definitely not a problem he’s more experienced than you. It’s great. Get him to talk to you about what he likes or stuff he’d like to try, if you are happy with some of the suggestions and ideas go for it. Show him you’re open to new ideas.
I’m afraid I’m not a parent but he should definitely be being a Dad and helping with baby, these are maybe 2 separate conversations but bottling up resentment is not going to help either of you. Hope you guys manage to talk things through!
@WillC and @Peitho are totally right…you both need to talk to each other! I can understand where you’re coming from in relation to not feeling attractive with the way your body looks now, from my own experience of three pregnancies . Your body has worked a miracle in growing and nurturing another human inside it and it takes a fair while to recover completely from that so 6 weeks is really no time at all. Yes, your confidence has taken a battering but you can work towards getting that back and I doubt very much that he’s stopping fancying you…you’re still the same person.
He could be just holding back because he’s fearful of hurting you or maybe thinks you’re not ready? What about contraception? Lots of blokes can be worried about another pregnancy starting so soon and can make them back off completely. Mentally it can time to adjust to ’ being a parent’ and that’s true for both men and women, all these things can lead to the mindset of ’ Oh I’ll just knock one out to some porn’ because it’s quicker and easier.
I have experienced something similar in my life with porn, I thought he just wanted to view younger, fitter woman with no stretchmarks or baggy tummies. In fact it was just the sexual act he was interested in watching not the women themselves and he felt really bad when I confronted him about it and it was only then that we actually talked about our feelings…which was what we should have done to start with! I would just add that resentment in any form in your life together is the biggest killer of anything sexual so don’t let it build up out of control.
With some talking and being open about things and hopefully some reassurance from him you’ll soon get things back on track
@Unicorn2
I’m so glad you had to courage to post here, let everything off your chest and hopefully receive some good advice.
A lot of us have been here before in this kind of situation so you are not alone.
There is lots of good advice so far, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to sit down and have a good open, honest conversation with him so you can let him know exactly how your feeling - but also you will get to understand his thoughts and feelings too.
This may help you start reconnecting in the bedroom.
Really feel for you, you have gone through an incredible thing bringing new life into the world and I think both your lives have changed with the new baby. The comments from the previous posts were very good and constructive and I wish you all the best.
Things can be difficult after the birth of a baby especially after your first baby.
You are dealing with the demands of a newborn…blood loss…exhaustion…sleepless nights…hormones all over the place…stitches…pain using the toilet the list goes on & on.
Your body carried your baby for 9 months and it will take a while to recover it doesn’t happen straight away.
I’m not making excuses but the male in all this can worry that sex will somehow harm the baby…could make you mis-carry in the first trimester…or bring on early labour in the last trimester. Add on to the fact if you were exhausted or had sickness…cramps etc he probably didn’t want to add to that by you thinking he needed sex so didn’t come near.
Again like everyone has said the best thing to do is to talk…but when it’s your first baby and you haven’t experienced it before it can be difficult for both parties to do so.
He married you because he loves you for you forget about experiences. And you’ve had a beautiful baby together. He used porn as a
release… not a replacement for you. He probably didn’t want to hurt you and is waiting for you to instigate when you are ready for sex and didn’t want to pressure you in any way.
Talk talk and talk more.
You’re doing a wonderful job.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
I watch a lot of porn and one of the sexiest things a woman does is try to do the things I see in my porn. Not to get to explicit but I saw different positions and told a girl let’s try that. HOT I watched strap on porn and well she said do you want to do that. I saw … well you get the point that’s what helped me with all the porn watching it’s definitely an addiction never been anything against the woman
Okay, first up you’re not alone. I showed my wife your post - 8 years ago she could have written this word for word.
We had a rough time post baby number 1, we didn’t sleep in the same bed for 6 months let alone think of sex (I think that was more like a year!). Easily the worst year of my life and definitely the worst year for our (usually very strong) relationship.
Her sex drive basically vanished for a year - it wasn’t low it was absolutely non existent, so I managed with a quick wank here and there, but frankly was so unhappy I couldn’t be bothered most of the time. It wasn’t because I wasn’t wanting to be with her, it wasn’t because I didn’t find her attractive, it was simply a physical release!
You will get your figure back (more or less) but it’ll take time. Frankly he has to accept that your priority has temporarily shifted that#s just life with a new baby. Practically just try and keep the lines of communication open. When you’re physically able get him to support you in a post baby exercise regime. I I used to have the kids and do bedtimes most nights so my wife could do an hour on her bike (3-4 times a week)and that got her body really back into shape well.
We’ve had 2 kids (no more now!) and each time it has just been a case of getting our heads down, accept that our own intimate activities will have to go on hold and get through while she heals and things settle down.
Now our youngest is 4 we are back to normal (took a year and a bit) and enjoying a good sex life pretty much as before, 2-3 times a week, having some new experiences playing with some toys and she’s got her body confidence back.
I have asked him about the porn. He just tells me it’s a hobby. A while back I even tried watching it together, I don’t remember exactly but I think it killed the mood so we never tried again. I have asked him to let me watch when he masturbates (is that creepy?) But he just laughs it off. I know my insecurity is the problem. One of the reasons I hate porn is that makes me wonder, if we have sex is he doing it because he wants to be with me or because I’m the only place he can stick it in to? Does it matter? I don’t know.
I have been looking for intimacy, given him oral sex several times this past month, trying to make him feel good because I don’t want him to feel displaced. Its not just the act itself what I crave, is that connection with him. Even if we can’t have intercourse he can still caress me or kiss me, right? He doesn’t. That’s why I feel there’s no attraction for him. My sexy clothes don’t fit me. I can’t buy anything because I’m home with the baby. I don’t mind, I love being with him.
Anyway, I have an appointment this Monday, I might get cleared for sex so we’ll see how it goes. Oh yeah, I’m kind of dreading it as well. They did a horrendous job at stitching it down there, so it’s hideous now. I’m afraid it’ll be a major turn off. I think thats why I can’t stand porn right now. With their perfect little vaginas.
Porn sets unrealistic expectations and you are right that during your intimacy your oh will be using you to have sex with the onscreen girl… I’m guilty of it myself. Porn also increases the excitement threshold and you need Porn Star / Escort experience to get turned on. This is totally unrealistic. Porn may give great sexual experience and increase frequency and intensity but ultimately it’s always unfulfilling and you crave for more wilder and different experiences. Porn is as addictive as cocaine and the withdrawal just as bad.
Do you think this is whats happening to him? I’m just not enough for him? What do I do?
Please don’t worry about stitches and appearance. My OH had a full hysterectomy over 20 years ago. We were told by the nurse advising us that we could have gentle sex a fortnight after the op. We both looked at each other as if to say “yeah right” I was so worried of causing pain/damage that i decided i would wait as long as it took my OH to decide she was ready again. Guess what? She came on to me exactly a fortnight after. I was apprehensive but took it gently and it was fine for both of us. So even with you coming on to your partner and giving him bj’s he may be holding back out of fear of hurting you.
My OH had a large raised scar, but it eventually faded and to be honest it never bothered me, i just didn’t and still don’t “see” it. Hope this helps.
@Unicorn2 I had the same but from a different perspective. My wife went off sex as soon as the blue line was seen. She has never been adventurous but it took a downward turn and really was getting me down. Now get the impression she endures just to please me these days. But I think your husband is being pretty unreasonable with the porn and masturbating while you’re beside him. That’s pretty shameful in my opinion.
After I had my children, I felt the same after each one that he won’t want me, won’t find me attractive anymore, but I spoke to him about it and how I was feeling, but he reassured me that he feels the same about now as he did than. I’m size 22 and I felt just desgusting, but he pulled me towards him, he kissed my belly and said there is absolutely nothing desgusting about you, you have just given the best gift ever, and even now when I still feel down about it, he just grabs it and kisses it. So me talking to him about it definitely helped, don’t fester on it cos it’ll drive you crazy, you’ll feel a lot better once you do
You are describing a porn addiction which is very different to enjoying watching porn as a tool to masturbate, which is what the original post describes. Porn can be very problematic for some people, and I am in no way downplaying your own experience, but I feel this is a huge generalisation and not true for the majority of people.
@Unicorn2 - I have never had children so don’t feel I can comment on your situation, but it sounds as though communication is definitely needed. This needs to be an open and honest conversation about how you feel, what you want and need in terms of intimacy, what sex you feel able to have at the moment (as he is probably scared and doesn’t want to force things). This should be a two way conversation, rather than asking him direct questions about the porn as this could feel quite accusatory. You’ve also mentioned you have your own insecurities and this is something you can work on in terms of accepting and loving your body, which will take time. Separate to the intimacy, try and find time for your own masturbation and giving yourself pleasure. I’m not saying this as a “fix” for partnered sex, but it will help you to explore and get used to your body and figure out what you need and what you find pleasurable, and what you feel comfortable doing after giving birth, without being worried about satisfying your partner.
Having children and being a new mum is an emotional roller-coaster, but I’m sure it’s also a really exciting time in your life. Let yourself enjoy it and try not to put so much pressure on yourself for everything to be “perfect”.
Perhaps he;s just worried about hurting you? Or maybe he’s trying to keep himself busy because he assumes that you won’t be up for anything intimate? Perhaps he’s actually thinking that he’s being a good husband by not pressuring you.
Sex is a good way to remain emotional connected, but there are other ways that are just as nice. Massaging each other, kissing, touching other spending quality time things may help regain connection. But as people are saying after birth things take time. Scars and stretchmarks fade a lot faster if the skin gets massaged, rubbed and worked. My wife’s butt is stretch mark free and smooth as lol.
Porn is a different thing For different people, I don’t know if I’d call it a hobby lol. I use it to get off as I need something arousing to get me going. If the wife is available when she fits that bill. I don’t have fantasys about porn and don’t bring it into the bedroom onto my misses, might use it to get an idea on if I would like something or a crazy position. But honestly I can currently remember very little about the porn I have watched over the years, it just serves a purpose at the time.
You need to have an adult discussion without getting defensive. Good luck.
Thank you all. I’ll probably talk to him this weekend when we’re both more rested.
try and find time for your own masturbation and giving yourself pleasure. I’m not saying this as a “fix” for partnered sex, but it will help you to explore and get used to your body and figure out what you need and what you find pleasurable, and what you feel comfortable doing after giving birth
You are totally right. I didn’t even think about it. I probably changed alot after birth and need to focus on myself right now. Thank you
Welcome to the forum.
I’m just not enough for him? What do I do?