You need to sit an have a talk with about it I don't see how its going to get better if you don't at least then you will know where you stand.
amorphous_zombie wrote:
No I dont believe there are body issues. She's happy to walk out of the shower/bathroom in all her glory (as do I!). Although she does quite often mention getting her pre pregnancy weight back.
The few times we have had sex, she seemed to really be into it which gave me hope that perhaps she can now 'remember' it is or still can be great. But no such luck.
Other than that, she doesnt mind when I give her the obligatory slap on the bum if she's ever bending over...or even a cheeky squeeze of her DD's! But it never leads anywhere or is never reciprocated.
Interesting.
When you slap her on the arse does she make any comment or wiggle for another?
No she carries on with whatever she was doing. I call that a positive as im half expecting a smack across my face when i slap her bum! But she doesnt seem to mind me doing it.
amorphous_zombie wrote:
No she carries on with whatever she was doing. I call that a positive as im half expecting a smack across my face when i slap her bum! But she doesnt seem to mind me doing it.
Not quite the answer I was hoping for but a halfway house answer if you know what I mean .
If I did that to my Mrs she would jerk a bit and then give me a wiggle to land another , but that is because there is lot of interaction in our relationship which is what you IMO need to aim for.
At least you don't get a negative reaction so I am looking at your glass being half full here rather than half empty .
Therefore I will go back to what i stated in my original post and much like some the others. All that is needed is to reignite that spark and communicate with each other perhaps take her out for a meal and then chat.
It will take time but really you don't want it to carry on as it is now otherwise you could end up like ships in the night , so perhaps an action plan is going to be needed and to put into action as soon as possible .
I agree with yummy mummy, I think you really should speak to your wife about this and get to the bottom of what's going on, otherwise it's just a guessing game and we could go round and round in circles. At least if you have an open and honest conversation you know where you both stand. It could just be that she simply doesn't want sex, it's perfectly normal to experience highs and lows in your sex drive throughout life, but until you talk to her you won't know, and then you won't know how to fix it.
I also agree with what Yummy Yummy has said and Boo but would do it at a neutral venue such as a meal out as I have stated.
Once sat down and ordered food and drinks I wouldn't pussy foot around the questioning either. From experience I have found it best to go for direct open questions.
You could start off sometning like. " I am just wondering what is bothering you as you appear to be rather quiet recently ? "
If you use questions starting What ,How ,Which etc it avoids yes and no answers .
Hopefully she will open up and then like the girls have said you can then try and find a solution .
Good luck
It could just be possible that she's having difficulty in separating the feelings of being a mum and feeling like a sexual being again. It can take some women quite a while to come to terms with the changes they've been through. You sound like your doing everything right.....certainly giving your wife more help than my hubby ever gave me with our babies !
But really the only way to find out is for her to be honest with you and tell you how she's feeling.
Best of luck x
I think we also need to remember it isn't just the men who might feel pushed to one side after a baby comes into the relationship...
Women need to feel desired and wanted too. Whenever there's an imbalance, it's going to lead to feeling rejected and eventually resentment if it goes on too long...
and that... 'I'm tired' chestnut does not wash with me... Both partners are going to feel tired if they are both taking an active part in child-rearing, home-running and work... Usually it's a case of changing priorities...but that needs to be addressed too, before it becomes an issue...
I wasn't just tired, I was like the walking dead. But even worse was feeling like my body was no longer my own with breast feeding. awful.
Hormonal changes affect everyone differently but was a major factor. And the changes to my body made me feel like I was not sexy or desirable anymore even thought my partner was complimentary.
One of things I did to get my mojo back was to get professional semi nude pictures done as a gift for him but more for myself. It made me feel like I could be beautiful again.
Just to update, I tried to have a chat with the OH but she seems to thinks nothings wring and that it's normal to have virtually no sex following childbirth. This despite it being almost a year since the birth, and me being the primary parent.
Im just going to have to be patient and deal with it...letting my frustrations out vicariously via porn, lovehoney and twitter!
amorphous_zombie wrote:
Just to update, I tried to have a chat with the OH but she seems to thinks nothings wring and that it's normal to have virtually no sex following childbirth. This despite it being almost a year since the birth, and me being the primary parent.
Im just going to have to be patient and deal with it...letting my frustrations out vicariously via porn, lovehoney and twitter!
Well it is and it isn't. A year is quite a long time and I appreciate everyone is different. The longer this staus quo lasts the harder it may become to get things back on track .
I also wouldn't put any pressure on your wife for sex either as she needs to probably get her body back in sinc first .
I know it sounds like I am burdenning you with more things but because your OH isn't on this forum raising the problem , you will have to take the lead.
I would start with small steps and try and create some "us" time together. Get yourselves out for some nights out and perhaps learn to enjoy each others company again . Try pampering her . Prepare a bath for her and offer to scrub her back etc. The emphasis here is to start doing things together again instead of pulling in different directions .Its going to take some time but eventually everything should return to as they were before the childbirth .
Don't forget to get her some flowers occasionally. A lot of ladies appreciate the thought .
Also perhaps have a look through the lingerie section of Lovehoney together and compliment her by saying you would look fab in that etc. And likewise look at the new men section together as well .
But just don't leave it .
Ok, I feel I need to add my two pennies worth. After our first child I had no interest in anything in the bedroom except sleep. Child one was a terrible sleeper and slept with us up until 2yrs old, leaving little to no time for anything else. I didn't have any interest in sex or masturbation at all until we discussed child 2. So, sex for child 2 became a chore and was charted for my fertile days. We rarely had sex for pleasure and my poor husband had quite a lot of solo fun. After a couple of years something changed. I realised I was being very unfair to my husband denying him these basic needs and so I made a huge effort to put sex back on the table. The kids were both sleeping better so I was less tired, which was probably a huge factor. Anyway, had he come to me and mentioned that other men had suggested a prostitute I would have felt cornered, and not happy at all. I would have been really angry that a) he was talking to strangers about us, and b) that he was actually thinking about this. Just the fact that if it was brought up in a conversation would have sent alarm bells ringing that he was considering it, even if he wasn't. My advice would be, get the kids in bed early, get a take away, watch a film, have a snuggle. And do it without thinking it may lead to sex. Once a week or so. Just the fact that you're enjoying each other's company should lead somewhere. Maybe not straight off, but give it time. I'm certainly not body confident, but not being pushed into anything was a big factor. Maybe show her this site and ask her to pick out some underwear, and while you're at it, pick out a male masturbater to help 'pass the time!' Hope this isn't too jumbled. I was trying to get all my thoughts out coherently but I fear I may have failed!! Good luck x
Thank you all for you contunued comments and help.
I maybe in denial but because there is a bit of role reversal with me and my OH, I find it difficult to accept the same reasonings from her as from other women. Mainly she's only fully around on weekends, but even then i'm at hand. On weekdays, she's out of home by 8am and only returns by 6pm. This gives her enough time to play with the little one for an hour or so before bedtime. Baby sleeps well and is in own room. After dinner, OH is in bed by 9:30pm...giving a healthy 8-9 hours of sleep a night; although im told its quite broken. Having said that, I dont see how her life is really much different to the one before the baby. Body wise too she says she weighs less than pre baby, so all good there too.
I suppose i could understand if she was helping around the house too but she doesnt. I suspect most readers will be thinking that our problems go far beyond sex. But really they dont. We get on well, and the role reversal doesnt bother me....except when i feel she puts no effort in whatsoever.
Personally I think you're placing too much focus on your roles in the home, and you're making assumptions about how she SHOULD be feeling, rather than accepting how she does feel. You can't compare her to other women or other families, that's just not fair, and it's also not fair to assume that she should want sex because it's been X amount of time since the birth, or she sleeps X amount of hours per night, she weighs less etc. Sometimes there is no logical explanation for fluctuations in sex drive, it's not black and white, and it can't (and shouldn't) be forced. We all go through difficult times in our lives. I've been living with an invisible illness for over 3 years and had people make assumptions about me because it's not obvious from the outside, and it's hurtful, because inside I am really struggling and people think I'm fine and I should be doing more etc, when I can't. Obviously this is different to your wife's situation, but I'm just making the point that what you see isn't always the full story.
If you feel that she's not putting any effort in around the house, then that's a separate problem that needs to be discussed, try not to tangle it up with sex as well. Have you spoken to her about sharing the housework and childcare more equally?
Yes she's not bothered about the housework. Childcare is non negotiable. If one of us is working, or working more, then the other will look after baby. At moment thats me!
Like i said before, communication isnt really an issue. She just doesnt see this as a problem. I can live with it and wait it out for longer.
Sorry its still unresolved don't really know what else to add to the advice.
Is she on birth control? Pill etc? This can sometimes zap your sex drive. ?
I think you're completely right in the way you feel, I think you feel like you've got the rotten end of the stick. Have you told her this? Or just that you'd like more sex? I think she needs to understand why you feel the way you feel. It's difficult though because you can't force her to change, she needs to come to the realisation herself and not everybody does. Could you suggest couples counseling? I think it would help you both and if a professional says it to her it might help it actually sink in
+1 on birth control.pills they killed my sex drive!
No birth control pills or anything else.
Maybe she just feels she doesn't need sex? Is there any intimacy In your relationship i.e cuddles/kissing? Maybe that's enough for her?