Ask yourself what’s more important to you? Be able to have sex with strangers and then come home to the security of your wife can only be describes as having your cake and eating it! Not many wife’s would put up with that.
This is coming from someone who has had far too many fwb over the years.
It can be a mine field of emotion if someone catches feelings. Sex to me is just a physical act but im not normal in that sense. Lots of guys would end up wanting more so I ended the arrangement.
Be very honest with yourself and the other person. It can’t be undone. If your wife is not giving you the attention you crave and then all of a sudden someone else is…are you sure you won’t catch feelings? Your wife doesn’t deserve that.
Sex isn’t just a physical act, at least not to me, it never has been. Sex for me is a way of staying connected, enjoying being with each other, not unlike so many other joint activities we enjoy. There is no thought, for me, of replacing my wife and I’s intimacy with an external connection. What I truly need is some bit of positive response from her. Anything that leads me to believe she cares about having great intimacy. I am working on trying to change how I relate with her knowing now the type of sex response involved. Trying to take her lack of desire as a rejection of me is difficult, as I try to give her everything I can to have her be happy. That’s a lot of energy going out for me. There is only so much I can do. She has to, at some level, begin to prioritize our sexual play over all the external activities she takes part in. So far I have not seen much in the way of awareness that there is an issue from her.
So how would a fwb work then if it isn’t a physical act and you are married, seems you are pointing into another loving relationship besides your wife.
So, I have trashed the notion of a FWB option. But, in the case of one, it would involve another breathing, warm body, instead of a plastic chunk of material. Again, I would MUCH rather have her be a part of taking care of my needs, in any function. Just her even noticing that I would like some attention would be a enormous step in the right direction.
I truly don’t know what would inspire her to get involved anymore. Years ago, if I walked around nude, she would get excited, these days I can be right near her with a raging erection, she doesn’t even notice it.
I’m willing to bet she has noticed but she simply doesn’t feel the urge to do anything about it.
She appears to be content with the amount of sexual activity you’re having, maybe once a week is plenty for her but obviously not for you. The trouble is when you are the one with the lower sex drive it’s very difficult to increase that drive because you simply don’t get that level of desire anymore.
Of course she could help you out with masturbation etc but if her heart and her head isn’t in it then she’s just going through the motions and doing it to please you would you be ok with that?
For post menopausal women (I’m not speaking for all post menopausal women here) this can be a very common issue. Sometimes sex drive returns strongly after menopause or in later life but for other women it simply vanishes completely. From what you’ve posted before she still enjoys orgasms and sex so she hasn’t shut the door on your sex life completely.
I’m not trying to be the voice of doom here but there’s little you can do to increase your wife’s libido if she doesn’t feel like it’s a problem.
You may think thats selfish and you feel frustrated but she can’t help the way she feels either. Hormones have a lot to answer for!
Samantha here. That’s what I’m saying, that sex will be about connection with you. Therefore, a fwb will end your marriage.
Unfortunately, your wife doesn’t have to show intimacy towards you. I have a friend that has sex with her husband once or twice a year. They’re only in their late 40’s. Her husband has threatened to leave lots of times but her menopause hit early and she has no interest in anything sexual. I went for a drink with her the other day, and I believe she let him have sex with her on Christmas eve and that was the last time.
I don’t understand it but you’re not alone. Me personally, i couldn’t cope without sex and I would have to end it. However im 39. In 20 years time I might feel differently
Well, she is post menopausal, and there have been ebbs and flows in her arousal level over the years. I believe it is a myth that just because you are post menopausal your libido is doomed. There are a myriad of ways that the libido can recover, good health, active life style, low stress, actually looking at hormone levels, including testosterone, which is a HUGE driver of libido with both sexes. In order for any of those things to happen,there has to be a desire to incorporate them into a persons lifestyle. If she is happy with a once a week shag, well, that’s her option. But, harmony in the relationship if we want to stay together ( I do) means being receptive to the idea that there is another person who wants, and needs some degree of intimacy on a more regular basis. I’m not asking for chandelier sex, or all night orgies, just a little concern about how much better things could be given just a fraction of the time she spends doing the dozens of tasks that do nothing to keep us closer emotionally. If the situation was reversed, I would do whatever it takes to be there for her, because I value our relationship and our marriage. In no way am I willing to just throw up my hands and say, well, that’s the way it is, accept it.
Of course not every woman’s libido is doomed post menopause I didnt say it was but reduced libido can and does happen to a considerable amount of women and every woman will have her own individual experience.
I do know that testosterone can be helpful for both sexes. Of course that depends on whether your wife wants to go down the hormone replacement route.
And there are a lot of women who, once they bore children and went through all that drama are glad to see their hormones crash and be done with sex….good riddance, “ it’s all for the man anyway” is their opinion.
And I can understand that. But for anyone who had a good or even great sex life, to just be willing to step away from it when they have another 15-20 years of possible pleasure seems absolutely crazy. And they do have choices in many cases. Do they just forget how good it can be ? Do they not miss the caresses, and bonding ? Do they not feel remotely sad that what once was so pleasurable is absent. I sure hope not !
Putting the cat amongst the pigeons but here’s a thought perhaps she does not find you so attractive as she once did so finds it more difficult to get aroused. People change perhaps you should ask her.
I went through the menopause and my libido increased but during the menopause it was non existent. But I would not take hrt due to history of link with hormone replacement with breast cancer. Sister died of breast cancer after taking hrt. So not sure if hrt would be a route for her as it’s normally given to help women through the menopause not after.
My wife was on HRT for several years, and it really helped her sex drive. Her physician took he off it some time ago, now she uses estrogen to help with vaginal dryness. Well, if I was 350 pounds, fat and flabby and didn’t take care of my self, I could see a loss of attraction. Instead, I’m 5’9”, 158 pounds, more svelte and muscular than most men my age. By her own admission, I look 10-15 years younger than my 75 years would show. I dress well, and take care of my hygiene, clean shaven, no beard ,keep my hair cut,
( everywhere). I get a lot of complimentary gazes fro women I see when we are out and about. So unless she prefers a couch potato, who dresses like a slob, I don’t know.
Just communicate to her how you feel. The way you are telling us how you feel, tell her. Women are supposed to have good intuition but quite a few don’t. I have seen it with my own eyes, married frustrated men sending out signals left right and centre and hoping they pick up on them and they don’t. Also life has many distractions and dramas and no doubt your wife could be preoccupied with them, or she could simply wrapped up in her own interests. She needs to be told how you feel and this might surprise her, but no doubt she will appreciate you being frank with her.
also, Am i right in saying you have sexual functioning problems? It seems from your previous posts you have trouble getting orgasm? So there are issues from your side as well.
Friends with benefits/bit on the side/extracurricular girlfriend sounds like a situation where you sort of want sex and you sort of want company as well and inevitably you will fall in love and your marriage will fail. I have been the third-party in this situation (unknowingly) before and it was traumatic to say the least.
Communication seems to be the hardest thing for men but the least damaging thing they can do.
I am working on the communication thing, and currently seeing a therapist.
My sexual functioning issues are complex, and at least partially driven by the lack of participation from her. I have been reading extensively about arousal differences, and how to try to deal with mismatched sex drives.
I believe I have a roadmap to try to engage her into dealing with my desires, while protecting her identity. What I learned just recently is how sexual rejection affects men, and the consequences of not dealing with it.
Knowing that it isn’t just a sexual need, but a desire for true intimacy and connection is behind my feelings. Somehow, I need to be able to communicate to her what the importance of even being heard means. That is a subject that is most important to our relationship. Nothing about this is one sided. Having her on board means we both benefit from the increased closeness that we need to be able to stay connected emotionally.
It’s a work in progress.