Regrets, I've had a few...

OK, this is possibly a bit weird, but there are some great people on this forum giving good advice.So,maybe 50 is a bit late for a mid-life crisis (if such a thing exists), but for the last couple of years I have felt that I just haven't had enough sex in my life! As a young man I was very shy and lost my virginity at a late age. I had two girlfriends (short term) before I was married - have now been married for 20 years. I've never been unfaithful, despite a couple of temptations. My sex life now is not too bad, in terms of frequency, but just a bit dull - have tried introducing toys etc, but my wife has no interest, really. I just absolutely adore women - I feel like I've really missed out! That amazing feeling of making love to someone new! I can't imagine not having that feeling again. I think that this is all coming to a head because of my age - in recent years a couple of guys I know have died in their 50's, and a friend has had a stroke. Also I get back problems which mean I can't even have sex at times! I just feel like I should make the best use of my time while I am (relatively) healthy. Well, my libido is, anyway! Does that make sense?

Ok, am rambling on a bit here, but am not looking for sympathy! I don't really want an affair, so I think my only solution is to pay for sex (to be blunt), but am quite nervous about doing this. Any advice on finding a nice escort/working girl? Do contact mags still exist (possibly online)? I do wonder if some of the "dating ads" in my local paper are actually more business than pleasure...


You are still a young man and really you should sit down and speak to your wife, don't cheap. It will only humiliate her and it will end badly when she finds out and trust me women ALWAYS do. Talk to her, maybe ask her to try some new things. If she understands this is a problem you are having I'm sure she will try to see your view and maybe you could try things together. If she doesn't know there's a problem she can't fix it. 20 years is a long time, something has kept you together so I'm sure together you can sort this out. Give her a bit more attention, make her feel sexy, wanted. Your 50 not dead, you need to find you sex life together. Maybe she also wants someng more but women are not like men and not all but a vast majority need more than a quick shag, they need to be romanced. My husband leave me little love letters and phones me twice a day from work to say he loves me and can't wait to get home. Even though I've went through a bad pregnancy and he has not had sex for a while we still have the romance and the closeness and now we are getting our sex life back but without him constantly making me feel sex and wanted I think it would have taken longer. Of course she needs to do this with you as well but if she has not had many lovers she may be reluctant/shy to make the first move.
Fight for your marriage before taken the step your looking into
Good luck

If that's the way you really feel you need to talk to your wife about it. You've been married 20 years, and you love each other enough to last that long by the sounds of it. Don't ruin things by cheating, that's a horrible, cruel and disrespectful thing to do. Tell her about it, communicate your feelings and be open and honest about it. You might be surprised by how things turn out.

I think the escort idea is a really bad one. It seems to me you need to have a real heart-to-heart discussion about this with your wife. I think I would stop short of saying that you have actually thought about 'outsourcing' your sex life, but she needs to know just how much the current situation is getting to you.

I have to say that there have been times when our sex life has felt rather dull and it has certainly been up to me to inject the new ideas into it. Interestingly, the new things have made the more vanilla parts of our sex life more interesting as well.

We are in our late 50s and I have to say that we have a better sex life (and a better relationship generally) than we had in the past so I think there is plenty of time left for you yet.

About 13 years ago I, in a moment of atypical courage, asked my wife if she would consider pegging (as it has now been named) and despite her being unimpressed by most of my previous suggestions she said yes. It has become a significant part of our sex life in many ways but not least of which is it removes the performance requirement from me for a while and is very much something she does to me - in contrast to most of the rest of our sex which is me doing things to her.

I love your honesty Hella - it's refreshing!

I think the problem is, once you have something in your mind, it doesn't matter if people say "the grass is never greener" because for some people it is and others feel like they have to take the chance and see if it could be greener. Because if it wasn't greener then nobody would ever change anything!! for others the grass really isn't greener and all you do is f**k up what you had!

That said, what you're suggesting is a large step and it has huge ramifications. Have you considered that once with an escort might not be enough? So you do it again, and again, and before you know it you're spending large amounts of money and struggling to break the cycle, all the while not telling your wife how you feel and probably not really getting the satisfaction you're looking for?

it's a very difficult thing for you to decide but you've been together a long time - who knows, maybe there is something she'd like to do sexually but feels shy or perhaps isn't quite sure how to discuss it (not necessarily toys related).

Perhaps you could go back to the beginning - like date night. Both dress up and meet in a bar/restaurant. Have a few drinks, maybe something to eat. Nothing cheesy/corny but it might be fun to role-play which in turn may make things different.

Only you know your wife but you need to get this feeling under control because once you've taken the step to an escort you can't undo it.

Angel x

Lovehoney - Hella wrote:

Take it from someone who has exercised little to no restraint in exploring their sexuality, seeing and doing everything is overrated. In my years exploring debauchery, wild flings, fetish fun and no-strings sex, nothing has come close to feeling as satisfying and enjoyable as sex with someone I really care about.

I've been unfaithful in the past and it leaves you feeling crappy. Sure, the sex is exciting but it is over fast, and I mean fast. The horrific feelings that occupy your heart and mind following the act linger for weeks, months and sometimes years, they affect how you feel around your partner and your ability to be intimate with them. Your own guilt and shame puts up boundaries you never expected and your partner, in all her loving wisdom will sense it.

Careful you don't make a move that results in the screwing up of or the end of a good marriage, all for the want of a cheap thrill.

This is possibly one of the most insightful things I've ever read!

I think Hella is completely right!

Things can become difficult or boring and there will always be temptations but once you have cheated (and even if you don't think it's cheating, your wife almost definately will), you will be hit by the guilt you feel and it could taint things and make them worse. Just speak to her. Almost every woman would rather her partner spoke about these things than kept silent. Why not ask her about her fantasies and wishes to help open that door and take the pressure off, tell her you want to keep her satisfied and she will probably be more open and receptive to spicing things up a bit.

Good luck. I hope things work out well for you both!

Beside the grass being greener, which 9 out of 10 times turns out not to be the case, you will be seriously disrespecting a woman that has stood by your side for 20 years and she didn't move to greener pastures and I'm positive you have not been a bunch of roses to live with day in and day out. If your unhappy don't humiliate her like she is dirt on your shoe and don't feather your bed elsewhere be a man, tell her your NOT happy and walk away.

Leave her with her self respect at least