Hey, so I'm young and inexperienced in long term relationships and I'm having a situation that I dont know how to deal with best.
I've had one serious relationship that ended a year ago. Since then, I've been having serious commitment issues. Think full Chandler Bing style climbing out of windows to avoid bumping into the guy that was just offering to buy me a drink at the bar.
So if anyone has tips on getting over that I'd be grateful, but the main issue is I'm not having that with this one guy - who just happens to be my ex's best mate of about 20 years (since they were tiny). I really like him, I know he likes me, but I can't ruin a friendship of that long. But its killing me. If he seems willing then should I push for it or (when my ex hates my guts anyway) is it possibly the worst thing I could do?
Hey, if you both end up happy then losing one friendship long term is nothing compared to a life time of happiness.. In my experience, friends come and go and it doesn't faxe me at all.
This is all normal relationships are full of ups and downs. We seldom find the "Hollywood" right person first time , it's all done by trial and error. Even with the advent of profile dating sites it's still tough to find Mr or Mrs right.
So don't worry every one deserves to be happy go for it.
You need to be careful you don't just want this guy because he is the one guy you feel you are forbidden to have. And also beware of any concious or subconscious thoughts of 'getting back at' your ex by going with his best friend.
You are right, it would be cruel and immoral to ruin such a friendship just because you like him. The way you are acting around other men makes it sound like you are NOT ready for another relationship at all, much less a commited one. It would be one thing if you had irrevocably fallen in love with the guy, but it sounds like you have become fixated with this 'naughty' idea. Your ex has been his friend for 20 years, frankly the guy shouldn't be going anywhere near you if your ex really hates you.
I hope you don't think I'm being condescending or harsh, it just sounds like you should leave this guy well enough alone. It seems like it could all blow up and you'll be left with both of them against you.
Now I don't know the back story nor am I going to ask you for it but consider this in your head; Why does you ex hate you? Did something happen between you that was a persons fault? Or did you just come apart and he thinks it is expected of him to hate you because if he dust you'd be together right?
If your mental answer is the latter then I think you *could* begin a relationship with new guy, and then work on forming a civil friendship with your ex - maybe you're not all gonna go hang out together but something that works for everyone.
If however he has a reason for his hatred towards you I would probably just steer clear of this one and find someone else - it will never get easy for you and it will be your partner you end up hurting not your ex.