Relationship breakup

Hey everyone.

Well, tonight saw us having a small talk about our current relationship and the way it was heading.

We have been together for almost 12 years, married for the last 3. We have a 10 year old daughter together too.

She says she no longer loves me as a husband, but more as a best friend. I think its mainly due to the fact that we are still young (Not in our 30's...just yet!) and everyday is the same old story. We both go to work, cook dinner and we'll both do our own thing or watch a movie togther. Weekends are spent tidying (as ya do!) and just mooching around the house.

The sex life hasn't been in its greater quantities unfortunately, but is still there. I could have it everyday if it were allowed, whereas, she is slightly different.

She says I am no longer the person she met those years ago (always outgoing, having a good time etc), but I put it down to the fact we now have responsibilities so can't enjoy life as much as we used to. We still try to go out as a couple and have a good time. I hardly ever go out on my own as i would rather stay in as it can be costly going out then there is the fact of sorting out a babysitter too. I let her go out when she wants as I'm happy to stay at home and look after our child.

We have discussed about still living togther but as best friends. We will have separate bedrooms as we don't want our daughter to suffer like the other kids do with separate parents seeing them this weekend and that weekend, so we will all be together still...we are both happy to do this arrangement.

I was very distraught when we discussed this. I think it has now sunk in, but how the hell will I cope!? This is a new experience to me and I am so scared. I don't know why. I will most definately miss sex!

I am just wanting some words of encouragement, advice, anything to help ease this pain inside me! I would love to say it may end up fixing itself, but I may be too optimistic...

It gets easier, right?


You sound very reasonable right now and are clearly considering the practicalities. 12 years is a very long time to devote to any relationship and it will be very painful whatever happens. Would she be willing to seek counselling together as this is a huge change for you both, seems to have been a shock to you, and you could both benefit from having an independent party present to help you work things through- particularly as you are both taking the effect on your daughter so seriously. I'm inclined to agree with you that the major difference is that you both have adult responsibilities now and simply can't be as flexible and spontaneous as you once could, that is normal and life together is not just about excitement and romance but being able to stick with each other despite the daily grind. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be frustrated, confused and angry, it's ok to grieve if your relationship DOES end. Be gentle with yourself for now and spend some quality time with your daughter, if you have any friends locally draw strength from them and allow them to care for you when it seems too hard. Hugs.

Birdyboyuk wrote:

It gets easier, right?

No, it doesn't become easier.... but you do manage to live with it.

The wife and I had the very same chat in July and in Oct I moved out. 6 months down the line, I miss my old life, my kids and heck, my dog (was unable to bring her with me)

Once I was filled full of love for her and now I am so full and anger and resentment towards her for making me live like this...... Well at least I'm not longer wanting to kill myself, so thats a plus.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but just be prepared. Don't end up like me. They say time is a great healer, so all you can do is wait.

Sure, it'll get easier. What happends when you move on? Get new partners? Do you invite them over for dinner? Have sex in the house?

Thanks all. I'm still feeling really down and lonely at the moment. She stayed at a friends last night and is out tonight and not due back til tomorrow.

There is no anger between us and I'm hoping it will stay that way.
We are still to discuss things further. I will mention counselling to see if that is an option.
When/if we do move on, I'm sure we will then discuss plans to move out otherwise it will be awkward for all, but I don't think we will be at that stage just yet. I'm not on the lookout and nor is she.

Well, after discussing more, we now have separate rooms, but still in the midst of getting her new furniture etc. She did say I could be the first to help her with the bed as I mentioned the headrest and footrest ideal for playing, iykwim ;) We are still good friends, so that will always be there.

I'm saying to myself, time has moved on but we have not which I guess is the main reason for this happening. By doing this, we can see for ourselves if it something we can carry on doing and then split, or figure out its not what we want. Only time will tell!

I am coming to terms with it slowly, so feeling more at ease. I myself, just need to get out and have a good time! I have signed up to fetlife to see if that helps in anyway...early days still!

Any other advice that will help greatly appreciated to help get me out there, meet new people and have fun! She can babysit for a change! :)

We are giving it til the new year as we have a big holiday booked for my 30th at the end of this year, thats when it will make or break I guess. and if it is a break, then what a way to end it in the Caribbean! If we do make it, Hallejuhah!!

Good luck I hope it all works out break ups are not easy