Reluctant spanker

I want to be spanked, but my spouse is uncomfortable spanking me. In the playful sense, I enjoy it (which they seem to understand), but there are times when I don’t want to enjoy it… times when I want it to actually be a punishment (which they do not understand).

I just don’t know how to explain, to someone who doesn’t feel the same way, wanting something that others might see as abusive. I’ve explained about the feelings of catharsis and pennance, but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

Any ideas or advice would be appreciated.


… So… Maybe in play outside the bedroom might be worth trying. And then, when your partner hits your bum you can coyly say ‘oh I quite like that’.

From experience, men like being told what does it for us… Men don’t like guessing… Come straight out with it… Can’t lose anything…


Hi there and welcome @grace I am sorry it’s not my thing either but I am sure that there are plenty of our members who are into this sort of thing and will be able to give you a bit more advise that may help you ! But welcome and enjoy :kissing_heart:


I had a FWB that really didn’t want to spank me hard when I asked…he was worried he would hurt me and concerned about how to know how hard to spank me…

We agreed beforehand and discussed it through out of the bedroom that I would say stop if it got too much…and honestly it was amazing…the best spanking session I’ve ever had. I was about to say stop when he said that was enough for him as he could see hand prints on my ass.

All I can say is talk…talk and talk some more. Maybe he’s scared of hurting you…or maybe it’s just not his thing and you will have to accept that.

Good Luck


I’ve seen th FWB acronym alot. What does that mean?

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It means a friend with benefits…as in not a full on relationship…but it’s between the couple in that situation as to what exactly it means for them.


Friends With Benefits


Hi @KeepTheLightsOn = I’ve seen FWB a few times too but after reading about the spanking session above I’ve guessed and hope it’s correct = friends with benefits.

Spanking benefits to be precise hehe! :laughing:


Love this idea…
Spanking benefits…

Thankyou for clearing all that up guys


I wouldn’t mind my wife spanking me hard or tieing me up and spanking me. I know she would do it as she’ll try anything and loves to please me but I can see her thinking it’s a bit odd.

I know she sometimes watches rough porn when she masturbates which is fine I don’t mind at all but we don’t really do anything too rough as she said she prefers to watch it rather than do it.

I pull her hair a bit which I know she likes. I grab her boobs and bum quite strongly which I know she likes and I give the occasional 4/10 hardness spank on her bum.

Sounds like @CurvyJilly might have been close to receiving 9/10 or maybe even 10/10 spanking fitness scale…


Pardon my ignorance, but what does 4/10 hardness mean ???

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Hi @grace i read your post slightly differently to others. I read during sex you want to be spanked but outside of sex you want to also be spanked for ‘punishment’ in a D/S role. For instance, on occasions you’ve displeased him or her.

Absolutely zero judgment from me and the latter is something which would intrigue me to try (as the sub) but I can understand why your partner might be quite daunted by the prospect of it and he/her worrying about being ‘abusive’

I’d talk to them and try and explain the kink. Maybe you could have a discreet code agreed which means you’re up for some punishment (such as wearing a certain colour of clothing etc).

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I also have a fwb who was very reluctant to spank me. Again seeing it as violent or punishment. I explain that it wasnt the case and i just have a very senstive ass that i like being touched stroked or spanked.
I bought a spanking paddle to encourage him, i think the hand can be harder which i like. But he’d hurt his hand before he’d hurt me so that was never going to work.
When he seen the effect it had in me, he was more eager to continue.
I find it quite freeing, i couldnt be spanked as punishment, i am a definite little madam so i wouldnt be able to sit again if that was the case :wink:


It’s just a rating to define how hard something is administered. Normally based on a scale 1-10 with 1 being soft through to 10 meaning-In relation to spanking-I don’t want to be able to sit down for a week.


I’m not really sure that it’s truly a kink, like the D/s role. It’s kinda hard to explain, I guess… but more like when I screw up, I don’t let go of it. It follows me, stays on my mind. Being punished is cathartic, especially with a good cry afterwards. I can tell them when I feel the need to be punished, but then I need the decision taken out of my hands. (This is why self-spanking isn’t very effective.)


Helloooo you naughty girl lol, communication is the way forward


Not in to spanking, so im not qualified to comment i suppose.
From a male perspective though, i could imagine your partner might feel he would be treading on thin ice.
What started off and intended as sexual fun could them be construed as being physically abusive.
Men are constantly told striking a woman is,wrong ( it most certainly is !! ) , so bye passing this already established rule could be difficult.
I think @CurvyJilly makes a good suggestion in having a safe word or instruction .
The whole idea of spanking you might be messing with his head.


This post is raising a few red flags for me. I think you need to take a long look at why you want to be spanked. Being spanked for sexual gratification is one thing, and using impact play as a cathartic release isn’t always a bad thing, but what you are saying is coming across as almost a form of self-harm. You say that it is taken out of your hands, but would you be ok if you told your partner about a screw up and they went “ok, I’m not going to punish you for that one”?

There are D/s relationships that involve punishment but that is part of the dynamic and desires of both parties. Whereas, you are saying that isn’t your motivation. I think you need to look at why you can’t let screw ups go first.


This is difficult.

I also have enjoyed being properly spanked to the extent that it makes me wince and yelp and it has made me cry on occasions.

I only really love it when the spanking persists until the point where my bum is sore continiously not just when being slapped.

There are very few men who have been able to confidently do that for me and like Grace it needs to be for proper punishment, when I have done something wrong.

It is very hard to explain to anyone else.


Yeah, my hand gets a little sore from spanking my wife, the leather belt works much better. :joy_cat: