Saturday confession- support , advice and guidance needed .

Ok , so I’ve managed to get myself into a bit of a predicament. After a very drunken night out a very good friend of ours became over friendly ( this in its self is nothing unusual ) and the following morning messaged me to apologise.Again no problems with that . But then the situation quickly developed into sending each other very explicit messages and me sending photos and with a view to taking it much further . However when the opportunity did arise I couldn’t actually go through with it , so apart from him trying to have a drunken feel in my knickers , there has been no physical contact . We have both decided that it was a situation that got out of hand and that nothing can ever happen . Obviously my oh is completely unaware and the sex has never been better and it was never an option that I would leave him , more a friends with benefits situation. So there lies my problem . I’m trying to work through this and it’s a completely new situation for me . I have some many questions about myself really and my emotions are all over the place . Yes I know I shouldn’t have done it etc etc but it made me feel more alive than I have in years . So how do I move on ?

Simple in my eyes. You made a mistake under the influence of alchohol .Providing no other feelings have been felt either with yourself or thus other guy then place a line under it and move on.

I presume there isn't snything wrong with your existing relationship ,

Well I think you've two options here , one is to forget the whole thing. You both made a drunken mistake and although you considered taking things further when it came down to it you came to your senses and backed off. Has the other person deleted the texts and photos you sent ? I'm assuming you can trust him as you said he's a friend and no doubt he wouldn't want this getting back to your OH.

The other option is to come clean and tell your OH but you'll be taking a risk with your relationship depending on how he reacts to it. I know honesty is the best policy but not always in every circumstance. The truth will only hurt him and nothing really happened so just try to put to put it down to a bad decision and forget it ever happened.

The only niggle here for me is that you said it made you feel more alive than you had felt in years and question yourself. You might find it easier to deal with if you limit contact with the friend a bit till you get your head sorted out around this.

No , everything fine with oh . However it wasn’t a one of drunken mistake . Most of what I sent was when I was sober , just caught up in the excitement of it all. Thank you and that’s what I’m trying to do .

Yes , everything deleted and know he can be trusted . He was really worried about oh finding out ( although he was the one who instigated it ??) Don’t see much of him anyway , only on group events but a really good friend of other half’s and they’re going on a lads holiday . There’s absolutely no way I could tell oh so something I need to sort out myself . I know I’ve been very silly but thought it was a game I could play .

Most of us have done something silly at some point in our lives but you will move on from this given time.

Thank you . Hope so not liking myself and how I feel at the moment .

Lizlovelylegs74 wrote:

Thank you . Hope so not liking myself and how I feel at the moment .

Lesson learnt I think

Just like I said move on but just be wary that you may need to "manage" the situation in the future should something slip out on a social occasion.

As you probsably can see , we are not judgemental on this forum unlike some other forums.

Thank you , appreciated. Think will be okay with that as been out in a group on a few occasions while this was going on and was fine .

So I’m Speaking from the other side here as ‘your oh’ perspective. But in my opinion you need to tell your OH. My H has recently done this to me it was very explicit messages pictures back and forth etc for almost 3 months then more Platonic but declaring love for each other etc for a further 3 months before I found out. He met her online so there was no contact at all and I’ve found this extremely difficult to deal with. I feel that the trust was broken from the first time he actively went back to ‘her’ (ie met up online again after they initially met and she was flirting - the next night they had met up again and cyber occurred) that was his last chance so to speak to stop it. It’s caused so much problems for us and if he had come and told me rather than me randomly finding out. Telling me he knew he’d done wrong had stopped it but wanted to be honest I think healing would of been much easier. As it is he wasn’t having cyber despite her flirting and trying to reel him back in but I still couldn’t deal with the fact that’s he emailed her just 5 hours before I found out. I read all the emails between them maybe this was my first mistake. If you really love your partner. Then I would tell him and show him how much you love him are sorry. Possibly suggest marriage/ couples counselling if it’s something you think you could benefit from. Sorry it’s not the reply you probably want and that it’s probably all jumbled up but it’s still very raw for me, And I’m a bit teary writing this. I was going to not reply but I wanted you to kinda see it from the other side too. Especially since you say about doing these messages sober and it being a big thrill. Wishing you all the luck with what you decided. F&F x

Hi, Mr Fun&Funky here. I felt I had to throw my tuppence-worth in when Mrs F&F mentioned that she'd read this post. I can't overstate the carnage that my emotional affair wrought on our relationship, and on the emotional well-being of us both. It's the single biggest mistake of my life and I've spent the last four months doing little other than self-analysing and scrutinising our relationship in a bid to understand why I did it and why I continued to do so long after I should have been honest with myself about what I was doing. Assuming you want to save your relationship, it really is essential to cut off things with this friend. That's likely to make you feel really low, at least to begin with. You may find you're more aware of any loneliness or resentment between you and your OH, but trust me; every exchange between you and the friend will be felt as another in a string of bitter betrayals. Be strong, you'll get through this. Only you can make the decision about telling your OH about what has happened. Personally, I wish I had done. Having ignored the problem till I was discovered I realised that I'd lost a valuable opportunity to salvage some trust, and given my wife no security in believing that things were now over with the other woman. Whether you do or don't, however, you'll need to both address the issues in your relationship that have led to you feeling so alone and dead inside that you were prepared to violate that trust between you. For us, much of this seems to have stemmed from failure to communicate properly - mainly in a lack of emotional honesty on my part (something that's apparently quite common amongst blokes and leads to stonewalling and emotional evasion on our part and nagging/resentment on the part of the lady). My sympathies go out to you for the difficult choices and conversations that lie ahead. I wish you the very best, however you choose to go forward.

If I was your OH and one one my "good friends" thought it was OK to put his hands on you and then follow up with texts and photo's the next day I would definitely expect you to tell me. In not telling your OH, both you and the friend in question are betraying his trust and friendship. I think that you need to consider whether your loyalties are with your OH or this friend but I don't think it's right not to tell your OH and give him the opportunity to decide how to move forward with you and his supposed friend

I’ve been in this situation myself before so I know exactly how you feel, first off what you need to do before you tell your OH anything (if you do ever) is think properly about this. What were the reasons you felt more alive and so excited? When I was in that situation I realised that as much as I thought I loved my partner at the time, I actually was in love with the life I had and how easy things were. It’s a hard thing to process but in my case I realised that if I truely loved my OH that wouldn’t of happened, or if it did I wouldn’t of felt such excitement and happiness from it happening. It was a real eye opener for me. You can love someone in lots of different ways and it’s ok to sometimes get bored in a relationship and crave the excitement of something new. What you need to do now is think to yourself, if I told him, and he reacted in the worst possible way and it resulted in a break up, how would you feel? If it doesn’t make you want to cry at the thought (like with me) then it may be time to re assess your current relationship. If that isn’t even an option and you love your OH then don’t tell him because it’ll just hurt him; you know your loyalties are with him and maybe again re assess the relationship but instead try and think of ways to get the excitement back with your OH so not to end up back in this situation! Although some may say what you did is wrong, you are only human and it’s totally ok to do things as long as you learn from them. With my situation I ended up leaving the relationship I was in and now I am now with who it happened with and couldn’t be more happy. Everyone is different though and I wish you all the luck on what you decide to do. Just remember honesty is the best policy but not if all it’s going to do is hurt and upset someone especially once youve thought on it if you decide no I love my OH it’s in the past now and I want to move forward from it. But I would say look into your true feelings before you decide anything. Best of luck ❤️ i would also talk to the friend and make sure he doesn’t mention it to anyone otherwise it’s just asking for trouble x

Thank you for your reply and sorry that it has touched in so many raw emotions for you . Hope you find a way to recover x

Thank you for your reply and honesty . I’ve got a lot of difficult questions to find the answers to .

Thank you . Think you’ve hit the nail on the head . There’s no question of the friend ever saying anything and you’re right I need to put some effort into the relationship I’ve got with my oh .i would be dexastated if he wanted out . Yes I know it was very wrong etc but telling him would destroy him so that isn’t an option . So guess a very hard lesson learnt .

Lizlovelylegs74 wrote:

but it made me feel more alive than I have in years

Hi Liz,

If I were you, I'd think about this line. Why is that the case? When I first read your comments, I thought if something like that makes you feel more alive than you have in years, there is something very wrong with your life or relationship. Perhaps you do need to move on or make some other drastic change. Whatever the cause, I think this sentence is something you need to think hard about.

Good luck :-)

Thank you and this is one of my biggest questions . . There’s a lot of sole searching happening at the moment .

Maybe you could use this as a wake up call to spice up your sex life with your existing partner.

It's not uncommon for couples to go through boredom bedroom spells .We still go out on date nights as we went through a similar spell of boredom some 4 years ago. But splitting up was never an option.Talking was.

Thank you and sex wise things have never been better .I think we jhave just been taken each other for granted, busy working life’s , oh shift patterns and two kids , one of which is a nightmare teenager and so the list goes on .However there not exscuses but this situation has certainly given me one hell of a wake up call, Definitely feeling better ( although not great ) for putting out there .As you can imagine there weren’t very many people I could turn too .