Selfish lover or overreacting? (advice for a newbie please)

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so I hope this is the right section to be posting on :)

To put this in perspective: I've only had two sexual partners in my life, so it's difficult for me to have a sense of normalcy I suppose. My first sexual partner was very very tame. Sex was always soft and loving, primarily missionary, and not very satisfying for me.

I've been seeing a new guy for the past two months. He is aggressive and I love it. But... though the sex is incredibly hot and offers a whole lot of daydreams to help myself get off later, he has yet to make me cum. I have literally never had an orgasm from anyone other than myself.

I like to think that I'm decently openminded about sex, and what I lack in experience I try to make up for with enthusiasm :P I am incredibly turned on by pleasuring others, so I don't mind giving more than I'm receiving. But he is of a mindset that in bed he is the boss. I wouldn't mind this, but it's to the point where if I do something he doesn't like, or do something without him telling me to, he stops me. This includes me asking him to go down on me (has yet to happen in two months though he claims to not have issues with it and though I have given him many a blowjob and pride myself on them ;P), and even touching myself (he'll growl something like, "good girls do what they're told" and will hold my hands above my head while he takes me). When we talk about sex he claims he wants to make me cum more than anything, but when we actually start doing anything he switches right back to his domineering, me-first, mindset.

As I said, I don't have too much experience here. So for all you out there- I know it's more difficult for the girl to cum and that it won't happen every time, but is this getting excessive? I have talked to him about it, and I thought I was quite clear, but any suggestions for other things I could say or do to convince him that I need a little more attention?

Usually when I bring it up I end up feeling guilty because he claims that if I had more experience and knew what I was doing then I would be able to cum by penetration. I've researched this and I'm pretty sure it's not true. But if someone who DOES know what they're doing could offer me some reassurance it would be greatly appreciated.

Apologies for the quantity of questions, but I really just need some honest advice. Thanks in advance!!

2

So many red flags in your post, like his refusals and his making it all your fault. My suggestion is to try another guy. Seriously. This one is treating you like dirt and it doesn't sound like he's inclined to change.

3

rose hip wrote:

So many red flags in your post, like his refusals and his making it all your fault. My suggestion is to try another guy. Seriously. This one is treating you like dirt and it doesn't sound like he's inclined to change.

treating you like dirt was my first thought too -- move on --

4

Good girls may do as they are told, but acceptable men ought to have a damned good idea what thats supposed to be, and he cleary doesnt.

If he doesnt know what he is doing and isnt prepared to learn, nothing is going to change

5

I think you deserve something better my dear
A proper man always ensures a lady is happy first knowing full well that afterwards sex is so much more relaxed and enjoyable

6

Oh wow. Well thank you already to everyone for your responses. I must say I'm surprised, I was and am unhappy with the situation but I didn't realize it was such a big deal... In terms of treating me like dirt, though it is certainly the case in bed, he is a chivalrous gentleman out of it. The dichotomy confuses me :(
But I suppose it would be to naive and idealistic of me to assume that as we come to know each other more the sex will improve...?

7

I have to agree with the other replies; you need to leave this guy ASAP; it doesn't sound like he will ever chance as it seems you have already tried to talk away from the bedroom about these problems.

It may be the case that this guy has some real issues regarding control and I doubt you can change this very easily.

8

In my experience dear and I'm an old lady with a lot of it

Men who control in bed invariably spread that control to all areas of your life
(There are exceptions of course. All the lovely men on here ).

9

Plain Jane wrote:

In my experience dear and I'm an old lady with a lot of it

Men who control in bed invariably spread that control to all areas of your life
(There are exceptions of course. All the lovely men on here ).

lol PJ....never understood how men can control in the bedroom...they look so silly nekkid

10

I believe a controlling element in bed can only really work if everthing can be discussed openly and all opinions are taken on board, within a relationship it is often something talked about before sex moves on to that point so the other partner is in a position to say 'no i don't want to do that tonight'.

As you've said yourself many women cannot orgasm from penetration alone which is true and given that he can't respect your opinions about your own body and he's not willing to try and help you improve your sex life it sounds like he's not concerned about your pleasure at all. Also the fact that he seems to want to blame you for the problems is a concern in itself.

I'll have to agree with the other posts and say that i don't think this man will be inclined to change, i would seriously think about moving on x

11

gunther wrote:

Plain Jane wrote:

In my experience dear and I'm an old lady with a lot of it

Men who control in bed invariably spread that control to all areas of your life
(There are exceptions of course. All the lovely men on here ).

lol PJ....never understood how men can control in the bedroom...they look so silly nekkid

Just read this, if i laugh next time he's got me tied up i'm blaming you gunther

12

Lou22 wrote:

Just read this, if i laugh next time he's got me tied up i'm blaming you gunther

Am i the only one who thinks naked men look stupid ...nothin funnier than a man walking with a hard on.

Be11e...dunno what to say really 2 months isnt long but really if he isnt TRYING to give you what you want then call a halt and make him think.

13

I am not sure people who only know one side of things can give advice about leaving him, what I would suggest is that you talk to him and make sure he understands that if he does not behave better in bed he is going to be on his own.

14

gunther wrote:

.never understood how men can control in the bedroom...they look so silly nekkid

Totally, always good for a giggle.

In the end it comes down to what makes you happy. Be11e if he was the one for you you wouldn't be asking the question. It would feel right. Controlling men are often charming in the beginning. Its once they know you "belong to them" that the control spreads into other areas of your life.

My ex was very much like your man. Lovely caring and giving in the beginning, at least out of the bedroom; but eventually he started finding reasons to get me not to see my friends, my family, work less. He really didn't like my job. So I left.

I fucking love my job and my life. No one gets to take them away from me.

15

What he said about most women being able to climax through penetration apparently isn't true.... or at least according to the woman presenter on the TV's 'Sex Doctors'. She said it was only 25% who do, and that's why oral matters when it comes to satisfying a female partner. The other thing that came out in the series was that quite a lot of men don't like giving oral.

Regarding your situation, it does sound like it's not a very satisfactory sexual relationship. Sex is about 'giving' as much as it's about 'getting'. Your partner isn't a 'giver'..... and he sounds far too 'macho' in bed, for my taste.

Tell him you need a more balanced, 'giving' sexual relationship. If he doesn't deliver, then think about moving on.

16

dh wrote:

I have to agree with the other replies; you need to leave this guy ASAP; it doesn't sound like he will ever chance as it seems you have already tried to talk away from the bedroom about these problems.

It may be the case that this guy has some real issues regarding control and I doubt you can change this very easily.

A dear friend is leaving her control freak husband now after long years of spiraling abusive control - just crept up on her bit by bit and he "appeared" nice to outsiders too -- get out before its to late
17

after sex ask him "is that it"

seriously if he makes an issue of your lack of experience surely its up to him to show you the ropes.

some womeen cant climax through penetration alone there are plenty of other ways......and givin a woman a good time in bed is one of lifes greatest pleasures.

18

A domineering man can be great in bed. I love being taken with force; and hearing things "good girls do what they're told", or even "take off your clothes, slut", or worse, can be extremely arousing. But a woman should have more orgasms this way, not fewer. This kind of things should be discussed in advance, and agreed upon, otherwise it borders on the abuse; and it should not be the only mode of lovemaking, tenderness should have it place. And making you feel guilty for not coming by penetration alone, that's really out of line.

So, I am with the others: whatever his issues are, the guy is a selfish bastard, the sooner you leave him the better.

19

your email frightens me. he sounds extreamly controlling, i would be very worried that this would eventually creep into all areas of your life. to the point you may never leave.

the sexual side of my marriage is very important to us if your not getting what you need on and equal understanding something is wrong.

from the info in your post he's not a person i could be with.

hope you get things sorted

20

Noon wrote:

I am not sure people who only know one side of things can give advice about leaving him, what I would suggest is that you talk to him and make sure he understands that if he does not behave better in bed he is going to be on his own.

Well said x x