Settling for mediocrity!

Anyone else in the same position as me… I love my wife but it seems from her side the spark is completely gone! Hardly any conversation and when I talk it seems like I’m ignored and it always seems like I’m initiating any sexual contact. If I make any comment it’s always “Oh that again, you’re obsessed!” We talked about it loads over Christmas and it seemed to help but now it just seems like back to square one! Just feels like I’m wasting my time!

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Do you have any kids? What is her job like if she has one? Maybe she is just tired all the time and isn’t up for sex. That can happen when you get older and if you have a busy lifestyle. Maybe try talking to her again? It can’t hurt.

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Yeah we have two kids 8 and 11. Always expected things to dwindle with sleepless nights and general kids induced knackeredness! She’s recently switched to part time hours looking after children instead of full time to give us better quality of life but it’s not happened for me!

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People’s libidos fluctuate, i’ve been with my wife for 12 years now and have 2 kids, we’ve been through periods where she doesnt want sex for months and only had 1 or 2 times over a couple month period and i’ve had to initiate every time and times where she wants sex everyday but i’m too tired, and times where we’ve matched up. My advice is to hold on, she’s just probably in that lesser state right now and she’ll pick up when she’s ready, just dont pressure her. If you’re genuinely worried about her feelings, have a sit down conversation with her and reassure her its not just about sex, but intimacy, tell her how you feel and let her tell you how she feels. Kids take a lot out of couples, but i imagine you know that with kids of your own. From what you said about christmas, i think its just a case of lower libido and it’ll pick up again. All long term relationships ho through it. Maybe see if she wamtsbto try something new, or ask if she thinks a particular part is going stale and wants to change anything in the bedroom, i know my wife picked up when we discomussed different styles of play

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Maybe do some thing for her, let her have a long bath one evening, cook a nice meal, let her have a pamper session(even if its at home), just watch a movie and cuddle. Give her some time to recharge and de-stress a little.

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I think you need to work on getting your communication going again. It sounds like maybe life is a little too settled…like it’s lost some of the general excitement. Maybe try something new out of the bedroom, talk about bucket lists and things you’ve always wanted to do, dreams she or you may have. Start planning to do one of those things. Maybe then the conversations will start flowing again.

Maybe trying new hobbies together will bring you both a little closer and hopefully that will spill over into the bedroom.

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Maybe try taking the sex out of it. If she feels like you are only doing things because you want to get sex at the end of it. She might not feel like it’s genuine.

If your trying to find the spark again. Maybe try treating your relationship like it’s new. Obviously with having kids it will make it tricker. But things like a date night without the kids. If you have family that would help watch them. Making fun plans to look forward.

Talking about things your interested in lately and sharing what you want to achieve in the future. Enjoying some new experiences together. Surprising her with little gifts for no reason other than because you love her.

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Don’t give up on her. On a personal note being in a 30 year relationship there has been ups and downs and libido has varied for me particularly. Then the menopause hit and from there on we can’t get enough of each other. Sex most nights and lots of variation.
I’m sure it will get better

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She sounds similar to how I was a few yrs ago. I think as mums, we get so fixed on looking after the kids and sorting everything else out that sometimes we forget about our OH. I’m sure my husband felt the same as you at times as I would be too tired to be intimate with him, and I was just not interested in sex.
Our kids are now that bit older teenagers now and they can do things themselves. I feel completely different to how I did a few yrs ago and for the last 2 yrs i can’t get enough of my husband, and we now have a large collection of toys which I would never of been interested in a couple of yrs ago.

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I think a big part of it is when you’re a mum you just get ‘touched out’ if you know what I mean, when they’re young the children are always on you , as they get older it gets easier but they always have stuff on with after school activities or play dates and typically mum does everything, it’s really hard work and it’s like you have all the windows open in your brain and never switch off totally.

She might feel a bit guilty as well for the lack of intimacy and then it’s just a vicious circle, you wanting sex and then she gets in a huff when you ask because she’s not into it. I don’t have alot of advice just make her know you still love her and fancy her, give cuddles, talk, make dinner, have some date nights, and eventually things will get better I’m sure.

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Out kids are 9 and 11 years old. Our current level of sex and sex live is the best that we’ve ever had and we’ve been together 19 years.

We had a few quiet down periods but now we can talk about, suggest new things, plan good day sessions when kids are at school and have liked and benefited from trying different sex toys.

Hopefully it will get better and just need something to get the mojo and spark back. Good luck.

We make lists / bucket lists / I shared some articles with her her saying sex and orgasm are good for heart health, sleep, destressing etc.

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Thanks for all your replies everyone. Just having a low moment with it all and knew I could message here and get some really good advice. :blush::heart:

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Same age kids as me almost and I’ve also switched to part time and it’s made a huge difference to me. I’ve finally got a little me time and now my libido has sky rocketed…

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Can I give some advice from a female wife point of view ?)

  1. text her - sometimes being able to write things down rather than face to face is a lot easier. Make it a little bit saucy and see how it goes… just that way of communicating without the pressure is good.
  2. compliment her - like really go for it.
  3. flowers and just little things to remind her of your love for her are always nice and a great pick me up.
  4. give it time, let her adjust to her new hours and encourage her to enjoy that time off for herself.
  5. hang in there !!!
  6. next time you do have time together under the covers tell her how much you love being with her, how you’ve longed for it and how you would love to do this more often x
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Same here fire_ice

Have you consider giving couples counselling a try?

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I’ve settled for mediocrity sadly. Situations sound similar. I just put up with the fact I love sex, wife can live without it​:grimacing: Been through some horrendous times, but slowly just accepted it’s not likely to happen​:man_shrugging:t2:

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Same place! No matter what I do nothing helps. I have even offered her to go off with another person male or female still not interested, try new things etc, hopefully she will get back to her old ways soon.

@Funbigguy it’s not easy I think that all relationships go through this, try and keep the faith it’s not easy for you both and try to make time for each other and do expect to much build on that and see where it takes you there has been a lot for everyone to deal with over the past 2 yrs and it ain’t going to get any easier in the current climate more pressure on families and money and parents !

Agreed with @Yummymummy1 work on the conversations again and try to re connect. Try and make time for her treat her meal out spa day etc etc then something together nice meal a movie. Talking is the key.

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