I enjoy having a glass or 2 of wine with a meal in the evening which I don’t see as a problem but it seems to have gone from once or twice a week to most nights. I think it’s partly because alcohol makes me want sex. If I’ve had a drink, I get turned on easily and really enjoy sex but if I’m completely sober I just can’t get in the mood - I might have been feeling horny and thinking about sex all day but when it actually gets to the evening, I just turn off completely and the idea of sex starts to make me feel nervous, awkward and almost repulsed by the idea. I don’t know if anyone else has similar experiences? I can’t keep drinking just so that I can have sex but at the moment I can’t see an alternative! Am I the only one?
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I’m the same in that if I don’t or can’t do anything when the mood strikes it’s easily gone by the evening and also that alcohol does switch me on. I wouldn’t say I have really drunk to get me in mood (maybe once or twice)
I don’t really have an answer other than to say you’re not along. What i’m trying is, if I have been in the mood earlier in the day and gone ‘off the boil’ to just get started as I know it’s partly laziness and when I first playing with myself it was every day and something different every time and now the novelty has passed I’ve slipped into lazy habits
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Alcohol isn’t always the demon it is made out to be, so long as it doesn’t become out of control. I’m not a doctor but glass of wine or a beer in the evening can be quite beneficial for helping unwind from the day, more so I imagine if combined with sexy times.
A glass of red wine may even be good for you ‘research suggests’ on Google
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@Kitty-Cat01 Watching this one with interest, and difficult to word what I want to say on this one without giving wrong impressions.
I’m in recovery myself, been a tea-total kinda guy for almost 3 years now so apologies in advance for the recovery thinking kicking in on this one.
I used to use or drink to change the way I felt, I really didn’t like myself (hated would be more accurate).
I am not suggesting for one second you’re anything like me with your drinking - I was a minimum 2 bottles of wine a day and/or drugs - I hope this doesn’t give that impression or cause offence.
The thing that stuck out for me is that you are drinking to change the way that you feel, and looking for an alternative, and then this particular part:
It sounds like alcohol is giving a temporary solution, rather than being the problem itself.
The problem is feeling nervous and awkward, and whatever is going on around that for you.
Maybe the alternative solution could be to explore what’s happening with the nerves and awkwardness, and then removing the requirement?
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Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me @AmyA 
@Melody1 
Brilliant - except I usually drink white 
Maybe it’s time to start on the red wine instead!
@Mr_Kink1 Thanks for sharing, you haven’t caused offence at all 
I think this is why it’s worrying me a little. It’s not becoming a problem yet (I think) but it does bother me that it seems to be my best way to improve my sex life at the moment! My thinking is that it is better to do this so that I can still have sex than to stop drinking and then avoid sex. I’ve tried counselling / sex therapy but no one seems to be able to help. I probably need to keep trying with the counselling but it just seems pointless when the professionals can’t understand me!
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I’m glad it didn’t cause offence, and it’s great to see you have the awareness around it and looking for an alternative.
Maybe trying without alcohol and seeing what things are coming up at the time might help a little, although I would expect you might have been through this kind of process with counselling already.
That sounds so frustrating, and must be difficult to keep with it when nobody seems to ‘get’ you.
I think the most important part of counselling is having a connection, that level of trust where feel can say anything and everything - although that isn’t always easy to find.
Most counsellors will provide an initial chat/session free of charge to discuss the area want help with, which gives both a chance to see if can work together.
Maybe arrange to speak with a few and see if you feel a connection that might help work through it.
It’s not an easy process, especially when I was being told to look at things I thought were not problems - end result though is I dealt with stuff my head wanted to avoid, and actually starting to see me a lot better. Long way to go, but making progress…
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I completely agree with you.
Alcohol is used as a temporary solution it is also an inhibitor, however it will make certain issues worse overall.
As has been mentioned research still suggests one glass of Wine in the evening can be beneficial, that maybe the case but I would still disagree with it. Lot’s of people have started with one or too drinks each night but have then found themselves increasing that amount. Whilst it maybe helpful to start with once your brain has become used to the alcohol intake the effect you experience now will stop, that is one of the factors which result in people increasing the amount they drink.
It maybe advisable to discuss the issues you mentioned with a professional to try and discover why you are experiencing these issues.
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I don’t need alcohol to get in the mood, but it definitely does get me in the mood and helps me relax. I’ve never been drunk, but I do like to drink a little bit a few times a week. Whenever we’re planning ahead to get frisky, I’ll ask for a cocktail or a shot of something because I feel extra good when I’ve got a little buzz going 
@Kitty-Cat01 It’s probably not good in the long term if you think you’re becoming dependent on alcohol to enjoy sex 
I hope you can find a good professional to help you through it 
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I self-medicated with gin & rum before finally dealing with my mental health, was never just one I’m ashamed to say it was a bottle plus anxiety and depression is still living with but five years later I’m slowly coming to terms with it.
I found things like longer foreplay and giggle helped me become more relaxed.
there’s no set time limit on fun
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@Kitty-Cat01
How about using something else to make you feel good or to help you unwind in the evening.
Such as:
- A toy in the bath
- A massage
- Your favourite music
- Light exercise like pilates
- Watching comedy
- Pampering yourself
- Game of Twister
(made this a Wiki - so feel free to add any other ideas)
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As someone who doesn’t drink I agree with finding something else that can help you relax and get in the mood Even if it means having less sex it might be good to cut back on drinking so much 
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@Mr_Kink1 @DanceswithPenguins @PKH @Cupc8kes @rosiedosie Thanks everyone. I’ve tried so many different things to help relax but nothing really works. My OH doesn’t really like foreplay particularly and would prefer to just skip to “the main event” I feel like I have to get aroused as quickly as possible and that in turn makes me anxious. In fact, when we first met this is exactly what we tried to do and because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I assumed this was normal and I didn’t understand why it hurt, I just assumed that was normal or that there was something wrong with me. My OH had no experience either so he wasn’t neglecting my needs, he just didn’t know.
I guess I kind of know why I feel the way I do about sex, there are quite a few things, but I don’t really want to face them I suppose. I feel like I’m a bit stuck. I don’t expect any advice on this one, just needed to get it off my chest I suppose, thanks x
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You could try swopping to an alcohol-free white wine, and see if you can trick yourself? Sometimes it’s the habit/ritual that gets the process going rather than the booze itself.
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I could try I suppose, but it’s the hazy feeling after drinking that seems to help.
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I don’t Drink alcohol but have had similar experiences with feeling horny and wanting sex and when it comes to getting it I completely turn off and afterwards feel repulsed 
could it be a thing of the wanting sex is more a turn on than the having sex ?!
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@Kitty-Cat01 Sounds like a lot going on around it all and probably putting added pressure on yourself too, and as you say that adds to your anxiety.
My OH often says to me I could be in the middle of anything yet can be ready instantly, it amazes her. I think that is far more applicable to males. My OH doesn’t have an on/off switch, she needs to be in the mood through smells, touch, caresses. Men and women are different in that sense I think. My OH can just look at the wee fella and he’s ready for action, yet I could stroke her puss and she can just carry on reading with no affect at all.
Just because OH doesn’t like foreplay and wants to get the main event on, you still have your own needs and they are different, yet equally important. Perhaps something to discuss with your OH? Could be a fun learning experience for you both such as bathing/showering together, massages, cuddles - foreplay doesn’t need to be sexual, sometimes it’s intimacy and closeness that’s needed.
If you are dealing with the problem as a team, it might lift some pressure off you too.
Sounds like you have a good idea of what’s going on if decide to go the counselling route, and perhaps the fear of facing them is why feeling a little stuck.
I’m sure with a little time and patience you’ll get to the bottom of it, and must feel a relief to at least got some of it off your chest as you said.
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I’m the same. I may well be in the mood during the day but once evening time comes, I couldn’t fancy it less.
I believe mine is lack of confidence and I need to tackle it but really struggle. Been shy from the start (been together 10+ years now) and because I didn’t deal with it early on I just feel stuck.
Having a drink puts me in the mood and makes me slightly less aware of my anxieties.
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A little drink can really help it’s taken us almost 20 years to really get to know each other and get to the point where we can ask almost anything of each other
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I’ve noticed lately that just smelling brandy and cognac gets me in the mood. I don’t even have to drink any, just smelling it while it’s in a glass, and I’ll start getting horny. I don’t know if my brain has made a connotation between the smell and sexual things, or if I just really like the smell 
But now my husband has realized that and tonight he said “I want to have some cognac, but is it going to make you get all frisky again?” because he wants to relax and to play video games and he knows I’ll come and start smelling his glass 
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I agree with this. Quite often I find I can get myself in the mood by fantasising/daydreaming for a while much earlier in the day. By the time it gets to nighttime (the only time we have for sex), I’m ready to go with the physical stuff.
If I haven’t got my mind in the mood it takes much longer to warm up.
Regarding alcohol, years ago when I used to drink, I would find it relaxed me so I felt hornier. However, the sex was kind of numb and I wouldn’t be able to orgasm.
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