Sex is painful

First post in a while! Hi everyone. Sorry this is going to be a bit rambly!

Need a bit of advice and support :( I've been with my husband for five years, newlyweds, very happy in my relationship. But over the past year I've been finding sex so painful and it's making me not want to do it!

He's very well endowed, but this isn't exactly something I've complained about before! Generally our sex life has been really good throughout our relationship. However, he's in the army so occasionally we'll have to spend months apart (with no sex!) and I do think this has a negative impact. The last time he went away was last year for 8 months and I really lost my drive, barely masturbated. Think it's spiralled since then.

I have also had problems with abnormal smear tests for the last 18 months and had to have a LLETZ procedure (some of my cervix removed with diathermy). My last smear test was completely normal.

I've been on the combined pill for 11 years (since I was 15). I did have a break from it where I tried the implant but it made my skin really bad so I just went back on the pill.

The pain is everywhere. High up- as it feels like he bashes against my cervix.

Around the entrance it feels so tight when he first goes in and takes ages to feel comfortable.

Whatever position we do it in I feel pain in the skin around my vagina. In doggy style it feels like it chafes towards the front, when I'm on top or he is there's so much pressure around my perineum.

Sometimes I'll have a little bit of bleeding afterwards and occasionally I'll even have a bit of a tear/cut :(

Because I've been finding it painful I've been finding it difficult to get wet and aroused which is just making the problem worse. But even if I am really aroused I still can't get wet! We've talked about it, we're trying to work around it but it's just really bothering me. We use loads of lube.

I think I will go to my GP but I was just wondering if you guys had any more advice or tips. Particularly in terms of the pill and how it can affect arousal...


You'll probably get better advice from some of the ladies on here.

But to start a few things to consider.

Plenty of lube to supplement your natural lubrication.

You start taking control by being on top . You can then determine the depth of penetration without hurting yourself.

Sex isnt always about penetrration . Consider other types of none penatrative sex such as oral and perhaps more foreplay.

mysteron wrote:

You'll probably get better advice from some of the ladies on here.

But to start a few things to consider.

Plenty of lube to supplement your natural lubrication.

You start taking control by being on top . You can then determine the depth of penetration without hurting yourself.

Sex isnt always about penetrration . Consider other types of none penatrative sex such as oral and perhaps more foreplay.

Great advice as always fella.

Sorry you're having these problems.
From a practical point of view (I'm a nurse and used to work in day surgery where we carried out LLETZ procedures) you should see your GP and possibly ask for referral back to your gynae consultant. It's very possible you have scar tissue formed following your LLETZ and I'm assuming you also had colposcopy?

And otherwise, as above, loads of lube, you take control with regards to depth penetration, and forget full sex for a while, have fun with foreplay/oral.

If you hadn't had sex or participated in masturbation for a while, it was probably a little bit of shock to the system (especially if your partner is well endowed). It might have taken a few tries (and a lot of lube) to get back to normal. I think the problems are probably more related to this and the problems you had with your cervix rather than your pill. You are probably tensing up as a result of thinking it's going to be painful too, which will further worsen the problem.

I'd definitely go and have a word with your GP as they will be able to take a look at these symptoms and see if there's any physical reasoning behind the discomfort you're experiencing. It might be something like scar tissue as mentioned above. If there is a medical reason, the mental side of things regarding thinking about pain and such should ease and be easier to manage.

In the mean time, I would recommend avoiding deep penetration positions (such as doggy) and focus on some foreplay or shallow internal play. I'd also look at getting a thicker lubricant for the time being. I'm not sure what you're using at the moment, but I'd recommend getting an anal lubricant as these tend to be a lot thicker.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the advice.

A thicker lube might work better that's a great idea, any suggestions?

Usually me being on top is so much better but recently that's been really uncomfortable. I have said to him that I only want to try that position from now on until things are better. He always goes too deep so I need more control.

The LLETZ was 10 months ago and I had three colposcopies too. My last smear was in October and that was normal. It's weird because after the LLETZ sex actually felt so much better and he could go deeper. Then the last few months in particular have been bad again.

I have been trying to use my vibrator a bit more to get myself used to penetration again. He's been back for 8 months now. I've never found being too tight an issue!

It's "ladies week" this week so I'm going to have the week off to chill out about it, stop thinking about it and next week I'll see about going to the GP.

First big big GG hug . so so much going on here for you. Sorry to here of your problems.

Well done for finding the strength to post here it must of taken a lot of resolve. Please don't feel your rambling. Every one deserves to be happy and enjoy sex.

The size of any man is not really the issue your vagina is designed to give birth to a baby , however length can be an issue for someone as your self. Sensitive cervix or one that's been operated on can be sore.

For me I feel a cumulation of these things is giving you " Vaginismus" its an involuntarily clenching of the pelvic floor and vagina muscles. Just like if you clench when anything is going to hurt.

This has the ability to just about close the vagina. Along with this no way are you going to be excited or aroused to self lubricate.

My advice is obtain from penertrative sex and see your GP with this in mind.

I'm so sorry you've torn and had such a torrid time. Its amazing that some women try and want to please their men even though in to your husband be frank and tell him your trying to get it sort. If he loves you he should understand and want to help.

Stick to orasorasl sex and mutual masterbation for now.

Take care you.

More hugs GG xxx

I really feel for you, my partner has an internal tear (which I may or may not have caused) which hasnt healed in like a year now talking to the doctor about a plastic surgery type proceedure that should go over the effected area, surgery is always extreme though.

Just be patient and try the things above and talk to your doctor. Big hugs and hope you get back to enjoying penetration soon in the mean time there is plenty more to be done :)

My only advice it get to the GP and get a referral to a specialist/gynecologist as soon as possible, and keep pursuing it for answers to the problem. Don't bury your head in the sand hoping it will go away or get better by itself. This will only get worse with time if left untreated. You fear of pain through sex will give you negative association with sex, meaning anticipation of pain will cause lack of arousal/wetness, which will cause pain during sex. This will lead to decreased frequency which will in turn lead to increased uncomfortableness and pain during sex. You will get a complex about it. So will he. It is torture. Don't do it to yourself and don't do it to him.

I speak from personal experience (from the other side). There are no easy answers or quick fixes. Just keep going until you find a solution that works. Don't delay or bury it, I beg you. I wish you the very best of luck.

Hi, I get pain dependant on where I am in my cycle as my cervix moves. The later in the cycle the more likely it is to hurt.
However you also mentioned that you have pain outside the vagina, particular on your skin. It sounds like a,bacterial infection as it would account for both your symptoms - another of which can be discharge (hate that word). Could well be something like bacterial vaginosis

I'm really glad so many of you are saying go to the GP. I did think that I should go but felt that I'd be fobbed off. Definitely have more confidence to go now.
I think a lot of it is psychological because it's now been going on for quite a while. I used to have such a high sex drive.. the more the better! And I still really want to do it but when it comes to it I always think "this is going to hurt" and then of course it does even more.
I also really find my mind wanders to other things, annoying things like shopping lists and work, that are totally not arousing!

I don't know if it's because when I masturbate I almost always use porn to help me to focus. I worry that this has affected my ability to enjoy sex... but it's just so quick and easy when I watch porn. Not 100% sure that I really want to watch it with my husband though, feel like that's something best left to individual play.

Poor husband is getting a complex about it too. He's worried about hurting me and about how I'm going to act after sex. Am I going to be normal or am I going to act weirdly?

I really really don't want it to be like this. In a way I kind of feel that it's because of him. Never had these problems before. Always had a high sex drive. He's got a lower sex drive than me and never really wants it more than once in a day. Which is fine and actually sounds like a lot but I'd rather have a really big sex session when I'm really in the mood and then have a couple of days break. He also doesn't like doing it before we go to bed as it makes him really awake. But with work and our different schedules and him going away all the time it's really hard to fit it in!

I don't want to have a sexless relationship! We've only been married 6 months!

Also not 100% sure that it is something like bacterial vaginosis. I really think the pain on the outside is all friction related. But it's horrible. I've never felt anything like it and it came on really suddenly. It always happens in doggy, it feels like it chafes right up the front. Even with lube I don't feel like it goes away.
I've had thrush before and it doesn't feel like that. No idea what it could be.

After sex I also feel really really swollen. Like it would be impossible to have sex again straight after. Argh! So frustrating.

I'd recommend these lubes for thickness:

Or if you're not using silicone sex toys and just want something for penetrative sex with a partner, silicone-based lubricants might be worth looking into? They are a lot slicker and last much longer than water-based lubes.

NatandTom wrote:

I'd recommend these lubes for thickness:

Or if you're not using silicone sex toys and just want something for penetrative sex with a partner, silicone-based lubricants might be worth looking into? They are a lot slicker and last much longer than water-based lubes.

+1 To these lubes - they are all fantastic options :) xx

Lots of really good suggestions up there, and I hope you don't find the idea of going to your GP off-putting. It might end up being quite helpful :)

I second the suggestion to use dilator kits - you can use them during play as well, before penetration. Might help your body to relax and make things a little easier. Lovehoney's got 3 different dilator kits, although I must admit they are quite pricey. This is one of them

Bit of an update. We had sex today for the first time in two weeks. We spent ages on foreplay. I've recently subscribed to the website "OmgYes" and I think that made me realise how important foreplay is! So yeah spent a really long time on good fore play, he was really gentle and I was turned on and wet.
I went on top so I could have control, used loads of lube, went really slow. I was relaxed, really really wanted it.

Still friggin hurt!! We didn't go very deep so there was no pain in my cervix this time. It was all on my perineum just at the opening.
Tried lots of variations of the position and to try to take the pressure away but it just burned and felt like someone was pinching me there. It wasn't so bad that I had to stop and I managed to push past it.
I turned round and we did reverse cow girl which felt so much better but it still wasn't perfect.
And afterwards I had a really good look at the area in the mirror and i do have a slight tear, you can see really clearly where the sensitivity is. Now, even hours later I'm getting stabbing pain down there.

My poor husband is upset that he's hurting me. But we literally did everything right. I even had an orgasm! Booking in a GP appointment tomorrow. Really upset :(

At least you can say you've tried everything on your and your partner's parts to circumvent the issue. Also it's good (in it's own way) that there is something tangible and visibly wrong down there that you can point to as the cause of the pain.

The only thing left to do now is get seen by a GP/Gynaecologist. They will have seen it all before I'm sure and will be able to help you. I just hope you don't have to wait 6 months for an op that doesn't fix the issue because they didn't do what they were told/needed to do by the gynae, and are now on the waiting list again for a second attempt, like me and the Mrs.

In the meantime just focus on sex and sex acts that isn't PiV, there's plenty you can still do together without it.

At least now you have a pretty good idea of the cause and can get it investigated. Hope you get the answers you need soon!

So I've seen my GP. She said everything looked healthy but has taken swabs for thrush and bacterial vaginosis. She didn't seem to think there were any issues with my cervix.

She did comment that I had a few very small tears on my perineum. She couldn't give me any advice apart from what we're already doing... take it slow, use lube.

We had sex last night and it felt okay, was a little tight and painful for the first couple of minutes and then it was good... but afterwards I felt bruised, still do today.

It's horrible! Don't really feel like I have any answers yet. Will see what the results are next week.