Hello guys...
Been inactive for a while -broken laptop, but anyway I'm feeling really down at the moment. Me and my oh haven't had sex in like a week and a half... and last time it was just us using our hands on each other... We haven't had actual sex in about a month... I've tried new underwear, and new toys, sleeping naked (he went to the pub instead) but nothing... even on a new diet... but nothing is helping.... I feel like breaking down and crying... Any advice??
I think the best thing you can do right now is have a sit down and a good talk. You need to communicate with one another and find out what's really going on. He could be having a hard time at the minute, and if anything he might just need support from you right now. Only he knows what's going on here, so communicating with him is the best option.
Hey Alaine. Have you tried sitting down together (outside the bedroom) and mentioning how you feel and seeing if there is anything causing his drive to have dropped low? Like stress, illness, worrying about something?
It might be hard to tempt him with all of the things you describe if there is something going on in his mind that is stopping him from wanting to get intimate. It might be worth finding out if there is anything, so you can work on it together (A problem shared and all that)
Just want to point out that the things you have described are all focused on your image. (New undies, sleeping naked, new diet) but it is not that common for a partners sex drive to lower due to their image of you. In other words, it usually has nothing to do with how you look. They fancy you, they got with you because they fancied you and often when we are in love, our partner can change (Put on a big of weight, get grey hairs, see you without makeup...all that stuff) but they still fancy you because "It's you" and they love/care/lust after you. Usually dramatic changes in sex drive are caused by things like worry or stress or exhaustion etc. Of course, it is possible to be caused by resentments too, or falling out of love, but usually you would know this was happening as the dismissal and lack of intimacy and affection and communication would spread to every aspect of your life, not just the bedroom.
It might be worth finding out what is on his mind. If this were me, i'd be asking questions around about now, trying to find out whats changed.
Also, I understand where you are coming from and what you feel. (The upset and hurt) In fact I even wrote a blog post in relation to this, because I have been there and was there for ten years! lol You can read if you like:
http://grittywoman.co.uk/why-women-feel-insecure-when-men-turn-down-sex/
It may help to know there are others who went through the same. xx
Please talk outside the bedroom, it's what has kept me and hubby together we know longer have sex due to medical reasons we've chatted about this, he knows I have toys but I don't flaunt them he'd rather not see them, but cuddles and snuggles are very important.
I'd try to take the focus off sex for a little while, just focus on being a couple. Worrying about it will likely be adding pressure to you. Talk more, nowhere where sex is a possibility, he's more likely to clam up if he thinks you're leading him towards getting it on. If there's nothing wrong, and he's just not been in the mood, get the romance back, go on a date, send him flirty texts, remind him why he was hot for you to begin with ...
I've tried talking to him but he doesn't open up to me... He only says he loves me if he's been drinking (which he does a lot) I'm really starting to worry that he's fallen out of love with me...
We've never been on dates as we started out as f.w.b. maybe that's the problem - we never dated...
I do love him and don't want to loose him but I don't know what else to do...
Well that does happen (falling out of love) but a month is a short time and there's a million and one other things it could be.
Communication is always the sensible approach. As above its important to do that at neutral times and to be non judgemental and non accusing (its hard, but basically restraining the frustration and being objective)
If you can't get him to talk right now focus on other parts of the relationship for a few weeks. Remind both of you why you love each other and often the walls come down. If you've never dated, start! Having dates and special nights as a couple can do wonders. Its a time to have fun and ignore the tedium that can sneak in from life. The main thing though is finding time that's special while not revolving around sex. A lot of times if a guy's not feeling up for sex the pressure of feelings its expected can make things worse. It'll take time but don't despair
AlaineB wrote:
I've tried talking to him but he doesn't open up to me... He only says he loves me if he's been drinking (which he does a lot) I'm really starting to worry that he's fallen out of love with me...
We've never been on dates as we started out as f.w.b. maybe that's the problem - we never dated...
I do love him and don't want to loose him but I don't know what else to do...
He only say he loves you after drinking, more and more alarm bells big time,Sorry my ex was a drunk and selfish with it.sex was rubbish from day one. Please think about this if he's making you miserable now, what's you future going to be like, Sorry hope I'm wrong but would hate anyone to go through what I did.he a lot of emotional damage hugs.
I have recently.split with my ex, he told me he loved me every day but his drinking became an issue, if he wont open up make him. Tell him exactly how you feel. As soon as I left my ex decided to try make more effort. You need to make him realise how unhappy you are before you leave, that was my mistake I didnt force him to talk until it was too late. All the best xx
A month isn't so long...don't panic.
It's not the fact that he only says he loves you after he's drunk that worries me, it's the fact that he's drunk a lot.
Why not suggest going teetotal for a month? Tell him you're worried about his health and losing him. Book a spa retreat to detox. See how it goes.
If he's drinking a lot quite regularly that might be having an effect on his sexual desire or even not being able to rise to the occasion sometimes.
Obviously I might be completely on the wrong track with this and only you know your situation but if this is the case he may be feeling embarrassed and therefore try to avoid sex .
A lot of men find it hard to express their feelings without alcohol to give them dutch courage.
Try to keep talking if you can, maybe if he see 's how much this is upsetting you then he might open up a bit.
Echoing what a lot of other people have said, sitting down and just talking might be key here. His increase in drinking might be an indication there is something on his mind that he's trying to avoid thinking about, I know it was with me.AlaineB wrote:
I've tried talking to him but he doesn't open up to me... He only says he loves me if he's been drinking (which he does a lot) I'm really starting to worry that he's fallen out of love with me...
We've never been on dates as we started out as f.w.b. maybe that's the problem - we never dated...
I do love him and don't want to loose him but I don't know what else to do...
AlaineB wrote:
I've tried talking to him but he doesn't open up to me... He only says he loves me if he's been drinking (which he does a lot) I'm really starting to worry that he's fallen out of love with me...
We've never been on dates as we started out as f.w.b. maybe that's the problem - we never dated...
I do love him and don't want to loose him but I don't know what else to do...
Just check yr pix. What I would give to have a woman who is as half as sexy as you are. I'm sure you are trying hard but have a drunk at home is as good as have nobody. Waste of space if you ask me. I used to drink a lot but at least i was always good in bed. You have to be clear to him and ask him what he wants. If he can't express himself then find someone who can, who will return yr love xx