I saw a review about the book Come Together, by Emil Nagoski. Has anyone here read that book, or others, and found value in them?
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I’ve read her first one “Come as You Are” and I started that one but life got in the way of finishing it. She’s a good writer and definitely worth a read
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I’ve listened to her podcast but haven’t read a book on sex / relationships (Want may kinda count…) but have found Beducated really good for both sex and relationship learning materials and worth the money.
I watched an interview with her and so much of what she said resonated. It seems according to her, there is too much emphasis on orgasms and not enough on actually enjoying the pleasure. I can identify with that.
My wife and I are beginning a new chapter in our sex life, where the need to focus on mutual pleasure will come more into focus. I’m excited for the process, because we are at an age where orgasms do not come as easily. Spending more time on just the sensations of the moment makes perfect sense.
I also have Want by Gillian Anderson, I found it underwhelming - it was more of a collection of fantasies than how to explore fantasies in the bedroom.
Pleasure over orgasm is very important for connection, as we can have pleasure without connection. Have you thought to explore tantra together? That’s great for intimacy, rather than focusing on the climax.
I have read that tantra practice can bring better focus, we have not tried that method. It is an interesting idea, and may well handshake with her mindfulness training. There was an article I once read about tantra where the participants could achieve orgasm through thinking alone. Interesting concept.
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For that reason, I think Beducated would be good for you to have a look as they have lots of material on exactly that. I’ve found the lessons on getting out of my head and training away from focusing on climax to be really helpful in understanding my own body and shifting attitudes to pleasure.
That is the one I/we have read too, Come As You Are.
I’ve not read the other one, Come Together.
I can “think myself off”. It’s not easy, takes absolute focus and absolutely no distractions, but it is entirely possible and very pleasurable every time.
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That is rare and I personally think that is nice for a person to be able to do.
I say that because you have to want it, you know it’s going to happen (as long as you’re able to get over the goal line I mean). You’re trying to make that happen and the times you do, it happens. It’s not unwanted I mean. You’re trying for it and then it happens.
There are others who don’t want it to happen, but it does. That group are folks who have spontaneous orgasms. They are unwanted and come seemingly out nowhere. They are unwanted and come without sexual arousal or stimulation.
So both you and others like you reach orgasm while trying to, wanting to, the others reach orgasm while not wanting to.
The end result for both groups is having an orgasm, but how they get there is very different.
Thankfully it doesn’t happen as often to me anymore. Now, it’s not like it happened often to me decades ago, but it did. It just happens much less often to me nowadays and I’m thankful for that.
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I got started reading the book. She was making a good case the whatever your sex life was like it was “ normal”. Which I thought was odd. I’ll probably not finish the book, or show it to my OH. She doesn’t need any more excuses to avoid sex.