Sex is completely ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. He is experienced and much older (I was a Virgin when we met) his favourite position is doggy style but I really hate it. It hurts and for me it just feels like rape and domination. He took my virginity that way which was traumatizing for me and i had to deal with seeing sex tapes and videos of his ex's which crushed me. (These were sent to me by accident with other stuff) He says we can't do missionary all the time and need variety which I do understand. We are going to counselling but it seems to be making everything worse. Too much stress and taking and fighting about how miserable the sex is.... I'm quite a shy and oversensitive girly girl and I'm really starting to feel worthless with all the stress about sex and pressure to talk dirty or do things that make me uncomfortable.
The boyfriend knows exactly how I feel so we have talked this to death. How can I start liking these positions and start feeling nice about them ?you should not be doing anything you do not like and you feel positivley uncomfortable with. Do not force yourself to do them. Your partner needs to respect that you have tried your best and simply don't like them, (me and my ex were similar, doggy is painful for me, and I can't do it for long - if at all. It was his favorite, but he respected that it wasn't one my body could do)
maybe you could experiment to see if there are any from behind positions that you could feel comfortable with - such as spoons? take the time to have proper foreplay and use lube to help with it. you could invest in a positions guide from Lovehoney, or look online to help you discover ideas that you may not have thought of.
counselling can sometimes open old wounds and make things a little harder while you are learning to communicate and be with each other in a new way. It may be worth mentioning that you are struggling with the counsellor, as they will most likley be able to alter their sessions with you so that there's less hurt.
Well i think the ball is at your boyfriends table here. Since he has pressured you into things you can no longer enjoy he is the one who need to lighten the pressure. I remember when I first started going out with my wife she had had some traumatizing experience with a blowjob and had a hard time with these. I never pressured her about it and 2 years later she lowed doing them since she got the chance to choose when to do what and how much.
I will not claim to be any expert or anything but it sounds to me like you need to somehow get him to understand that you do wish to try new things but you want to be the one who decides the when and what for some time. Unless he can give you the breathing space so you can enjoy sex on your terms I doubt you can somehow "train yourself" to like something you have a terauma from.
Why should you start liking them?
Doesn't you partner care about you enough to stop doing things you don't like? I'm sorry but your boyfriend doesn't sound very nice at all! Doesn't sound like he cares about your feelings.
My partner would never do anything I didn't like or feel comfortable with and yours should be the same.
My sympathies, from what you've written it doesn't sound like your sex life is very balanced - it seems very one sided.
You've done the right thing by talking to him about it, but they sound like they've been very one sided as well! It looks like you're trying to be open about how you feel and are being told you're wrong.
Is the relationship good otherwise?
Doggy-style shouldn't hurt you unless he's being rough/agressive or rushing in to it when you're not ready or something. It also doesn't need to feel like you're being dominated. It sounds like something is defintely being done wrong there.
To be honest, and this may just be the way I'm reading things, it sounds like he's not really thinking about your enjoyment much, and from how it's making you feel and how it's ending in fighting it doesn't necessarily sound like that's his approach only in the bedroom. I hope I'm misinterpreting things there, but you may want to discuss the relationship in general with someone (on here if you feel comfortable to as there's loads of amazingly supportive and helpful people on here, or with a friend or whoever elsewhere).
As for how to start liking what he's wanting from you and feeling nice - I think that's the wrong approach. It';s going to be difficult considering sex with this boyfriend is the only experience you've got to go off, but try thinking about what you want, things you enjoy and discuss those with him. Maybe things that allow you to feel more in control and take things at your own pace. Do you like being on top or other positions? Do the two of you spend much time on foreplay? If (as it sounds) he's quite controlling in the bedroom maybe try tieing him and taking control yourself.
This isn't your fault, don't blame yourself.
Sorry so sound so blunt but your OH sounds like an arse for even putting you in them situations knowing you feel uncomfortable with them.
Do you mind me asking how the rest of your relationship is? It's just you don't sound happy in this relationship at all, and if he is so focused on sex, rather than putting your needs first, then you need to get rid.
ok so while writing my response a few others got in there too (there were none when I started) and I can see it's defintely not be being cynical when reading it. I echo Lollipop's thoughts - it just doesn't sound like he's being particularly nice, supportive, caring, towards you and defintely like it's him that's got the problem not you.
When a person describes their sex as rape and domination and feels traumatised, decribing themselves as feeling worthless it rings alarm bells. Even after talking with your BF the solution you seek is to start liking what he is doing. These are not good signs.
Since you have posted about this before I assume either the proffesional help didn't work or wasn't taken.
It cerainly isn't my place to judge your relationship with this chap, your choice of words says enough though. Perhaps its time to move on, quickly and with help from your family and friends.
Agree with others,.
I used to not do doggy because it really hurt me too, and my boyfriend just DIDN'T do it even though it was his favourite because he respects me and there are SO MANY other positions apart from missionary and doggy, you don't need doggy to have variety in your sex life!
i wouldn't say he doesn't care about you as he is going to counselling with you about it but sorry your counsellor sounds terrible...and not helpful at all. I wouldn't keep going or I would change counsellors if I were you.
If you do really want to start enjoying doggy (which is up to YOU not him) try lying on your front with a pillow under your hips and let him enter you from behind but sort of lying on top of you. It can be a lot more intimate and romantic this way and his penis won't be able to go in so far as to hurt you. That's what I did and then soon I was enjoying it and wanting more, and would push myself up and into doggy. But I did this when I wanted to my boyfriend had NO say in the matter.
We all want to make our partners happy, but you definitely shouldn't be pressured into it at cost to your well being. Xxxx
Thanks for the help. I posted similar to this a while ago and took people's advice and went for counselling. The boyfriend comes too and he is supportive on that even though he doesn't believe in it (his words) its hard to write thieves things in a balanced way as its only my opinion being shown. He is a nice gu and he does want me to enjoy it. Says it breaks his heart when I have a sad face and he feels like he rapes me. Part of the reason he wants me to talk dirty etc is to show him I want it etc I'm just a bit uncomfortable with rude words etc but I do try and tell him I want him and are attracted to him. He does care about me being happy that's all he's ever saying. He does think my feelings are wrong and shouldn't exist and that I should be happy with him and what we are doing. I do believe (and he is constantly saying) that he has no bad intentions and never wants to hurt me etc but constantly we hit a wall and are frustrated at the situation.
You have too much pressure on you, you need to tell him to take a step back, and do things how you want. And then eventually you'll build up the courage to try other things, but it won't happen any sooner if you have him pressuring you saying what you should and shouldn't like.
It's fair enough that he wants to enjoy different positions, but not everyone wants to act out a porn scene every sex session.
You need to ditch the councelling, in my opinion it's making you worse which isn't helpful at all. If your OH really wants to see you happy then put your foot down and tell him it's just not going to happen until you're ready.
You will eventually build up confidence, but this can take a long time. I never used to like givig blow jobs to my husband, it wasn't until about 6 years together I got the confidence to go for it and now I genuinely really enjoy it, and I never thought that would happen! It just takes time.
im going to be perfectly blunt and say he sounds to me like an abusive bully . you should NEVER NBE PRESSURED INTO THINGS YOU DONT WANT TO DO , but ... it seems as youve posted this before youre not really willing to do what you need to help yourself .. ie : get rid .
If it's breaking his heart that you're in pain and/or feel like you're being raped, he should STOP pressuring you into using those positions/doing things you're not comfortable doing. At the risk of sounding harsh, it's very easy for him to SAY he wants you to be happy, but when his words and his actions are contradictory, you have to wonder how sincere those words are. Being sweetness and light in other areas doesn't make it OK that his behaviour in the bedroom is causing you either physical or mental/emotional pain, never mind both! If he cares so much, why is he insisting on doing something that hurts you?
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but your post set alarm bells ringing like crazy. He thinks your feelings are wrong. You're the one having to learn how to like positions that cause you both physical and mental/emotional distress. He is insisting on positions you do not enjoy. He "doesn't believe" in therapy. He says he cares and wants you to be happy, but his actions contradict his words. Seriously, just one or two of these would worry me, but all of them together? :-o
When you describe your sex life as traumatic, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong, and it's not something that's wrong with YOU.
I dont want to come across as being rude or judgemental in my reply but I think when you are saying that sex feels like rape you should get out of the relationship.
Also I'm not sure how he can think that your feelings are WRONG and shouldn't exist, that's just ridiculous! They are YOUR feelings and you can feel however you want and it won't be wrong.
You said that he says it breaks his heart when you have a sad face and he feels like he rapes you, I'm not being funny but if he actually felt like that he wouldn't do it and get you to do it!
My honest opinion is that you should get out of the relationship but obviously it is your own choice. If you don't want to seperate then I second what a previous person said about trying to lie down on your front with a pillow folded in half under your hips and seeing how that feels for you. Sometimes however people's sexual appetites and desires just don't match and there is nothing you can do to force these things or force yourself to like something you don't enjoy.
I hope you find a resolution to your problem x
First things first, sending big hugs your way.
As others have said your post set off all kinds of alarm bells ringing, but it's a good sign that you both took those initial steps of going for councelling (even if he says he doesn't believe in it).
It sounds like you need to start by putting your foot down, and hard. No more doggy - learn to relax and be inimate without the fear of something that is going to leave you in such a state happening in that session. Spend a while on foreplay, both giving and receiving. If dirty talk is something that also makes you feel uncomfortable, that you are not alone with. Unless I'm in a very special mood I can't bring myself to do it! There are other ways to show that you want him, small bits of contact throughout the day, brush of hands here, quick kiss there, touching each other briefly on your way past (a shoulder here, cheek etc)
It sounds like you need to develop more trust and understanding between the both of you - this is just my opinion so take it with a pinch of salt - but work small, and build up and you may find that although you may not enjoy anything where you feel dominated or restricted in touching/seeing him at the minute, you may feel more comfortable with small bits of this down the line.
He needs to understand that in pushing the issue and not giving you time to coem round to it, if at all you do, he is only making it worse by building the pressure on you, which will make the feelings worse.
Before you give in try a different counselor, they aren't a one size fits all and you may have just ended up with one who isn't suited to you, and make sure you make them/the next oen aware of how much those sessions were hurting you so they can adjust and work to make it better.
I wish you best of luck with this, but remember to try and be strong and firm with him, really drive it home how big of a deal this is for you, incase the crying and shaking after the sex wasn't enough! If you get stuck, why not show him this thread? Let him read it for himself?
If you stay with this man you'll regret it, find the strength to get up and go, he'll chip away at you, just because other women enjoyed his dominance doesn't mean you have to. WE are ALL different.
The fact he's trying to come across like he cares about how you feel and still gets you to do all of these things that destroy your soul as they're not right for you with him.
Before he puts you off sex which with the right people / person is the most beautiful and intense thing two / or more (depending on type of person) can enjoy with eachother.
Please for your own sanity and safety think about how your feelings, emotions and personality are being crushed in this relationship.
There will be someone else who will be gentle, loving and patient with you and you will enjoy a healthy, happy and mutual sexual relationship, just not with him.
In the end you decide how much more of this you want to accept and how much more of yourself you want to give to him. But I personally think you've given enough of you to him. Let someone else build you up and fix you before it's too late.
Sorry to be blunt be he sounds like a dick. He's clearly forcing you to do things you don't want to do.
Sex should be a loving enjoyable experience and from what your describing it is far from that.
He's going to leave you having bad feelings towards sex which will effect future relationships. Personally I think you should go find someone who will treat you better and respect your wishes.
My hubby would never dream of having me do something I don't want to do he likes to see me enjoy things and if I don't he's not interested it doesn't turn him on in the same way so we stop doing it
if you don't want to do something then don't and I know it's easier said than done but if he's not happy with that then he's not the one for you
My hubby would never dream of having me do something I don't want to do he likes to see me enjoy things and if I don't he's not interested it doesn't turn him on in the same way so we stop doing it
if you don't want to do something then don't and I know it's easier said than done but if he's not happy with that then he's not the one for you
Thanks for the replies it helps to read through them all. After talking with the bf previously he is really gentle when behind eg he tries not to go in to far or too hard. If I say stop he does and we did try getting into the positions for a few moments with no movement to relax me. The problem is the constant stress on both of us and the pressure on me that I have to achieve this and enjoy it as its a major dealbreaker. A lot of our problems came from misunderstandings or my lack of confidence to speak up or take control.