Sexless marriage

Sex Tips & Talk
21

Firstly I am sorry I realise it just came across that I think you are doing something wrong. Not at all. (although I still stand by my comments about splitting or therapy being better options than cheating)

I think the reason I brought up the 50/50 thing is because, like yourself, this has happened to me twice. (Been on the receiving end of sexual rejection from partners) I found out long after splitting from one of them that they closed up and pulled away from me because they felt like I wasnt giving 50/50. I have a chronic illness and mental health issues I know I am hard work. At the time however, to save hurting my feelings, instead of communicating with me that he resented me, he just closed up and stopped wanting sex and pretended everything was fine, he was just "Tired"

I just find people are always looking for this balance, and when it goes out of whack, wether real or imaginary, people start resenting. I see it all the time in the relationships I have had, and my friends, and I am guilty of it too. (and this thread is about it) I know I cant give as much physically because of being ill but I try to make up for it with organising and all that stuff. I see it everywhere though. Before I got with my current partner I dated a guy who finished with me after 6 months by giving me a pros and cons list about why he couldnt be with me. Examples included My kids. (The extra work I imagine) my illness (The extra work for him I imagine again) and not being able to do as many things he enjoyed because I needed extra support and couldnt work therefore he would miss out on a lot of luxuries. I mean that guy was clearly an arse. (Because he knew all that about me from the beginning but still slept with me for 6 months while he came to this conclusion) but in general I think humans by nature are quite selfish creatures. I also think if someone is allowed to be selfish, gets away with it I mean, they will take it for granted and want more. if you are doing much more than 50% in your relationship and still being told to go and find someone else because you want some love/affection/sex then clearly she is taking advantage of firstly your good nature and secondly I guess probably knowing you cant or wont leave anyway. All I was asking is that you find out if she feels you are giving 50/50 (Remember...subjective) You might be busting your ass doing all this for her and she might be taking it for granted and thinking hmmm he never hugs me anymore (or something you might not even be aware of) even though you are making a lot of practical effort (housework, work, cooking) Does she feel something else is missing? Does that make any sense? I am not saying you are not trying, just that in her head it might be something you hadnt even realised. Women are more emotional. and strange and I know myself that even though my ex did much more of the work than me, I felt resentful that he wasnt giving me as much love. I dont know if I am making sense or not but I am trying to say we are all complicated. The mars venus thing lol

All I am trying to do is help give you an insight into the mind of a female who has been in the same situation but also been in the opposite situation of being pestered when not in the mood. I wasnt in the mood because, well you know how some women almost use sex as a payment? (do the hoovering and I might give you a blowjob) well the opposite also applies. I have sometimes been in a situation where I feel like work is being done specifically to get into my good books. With sulking happening if sex doesn't happen. That sucks too. I dont want to be a payment for good behaviour, and I definitely do not want anyone to think they have a "right" to getting sex with me because they made some kind of effort. It is almost a running joke to get into the missus good books and you might get lucky. Its kind of icky though and it put me right off. Both sexes are guilty of that though.

I am not saying you do any of that, just rambling about my own rubbish to see if it helps in any way, prob not, because I have no answers and I couldnt work out my problems lol. I am sorry. I just hope it works out somehow for you because I have been there and it is not nice. In the end we did try couple counselling but it was too little too late for us. Too much resentments on both sides.

22

I would also like to be clear. I temporarily went off sex when I started caring for my mother. The OH managed about 3 years of be being totally wiped out with tiredness when he started to visit other women and to be honest he tried everything. 3somes, shagging a woman while her husband watched, a Dom which he didn't like infact nearly everything except a bloke.

He always made sure of protection but he wasted so much money. He has now told me much about it and I found it interesting as well as very hurtful. The trouble now is that I fear I cannot offer him the same as they did. They know all the tricks and where as I used to be the most experienced in the relationship but now I feel very inadequate.

He deeply regrets what he has done and is ashamed but at the same time often makes jokes about it. He was and probably still is addicted. But he doesn't want to do that anymore as it often made him physically sick afterwards.

Before you look to your wives as not doing their obligatory roles, look beyond the fantasy element of cheating and it is, and ask yourself how you would face your wife/children/family after.

My OH gets angry with me constantly over me scouring the net whilst watching tv in the evening. Deep down I am sure he thinks I am up to something. I am not.

I am being blunt and open to help you see what happens after you have gone elsewhere for sex.

If you truly love your OH after reading this; DO NOT DO IT!

We are struggling to get our intimate relationship back on track. But I love him and want to get it back. But you might end up losing your wife.

Saying all that I would love to be a professional Dominatrix and would be quite able to separate that from a personal relationship.

Ok serious essay over lol.

23

Fluffbags - Thanks, yes what you say does make sense, it is all very helpful and it is certainly not rambling

Mistress Moticia - Thanks for your 'Blunt and Open' remarks. I do understand that going elsewhere for sex will only make the relationship worse, and it is because I do truely love my wife (lets face it, if I didn't I would have left 6 years ago!) that I have made that decision to finally just 'Give up'

But thank you both for your advice and insight into the female mind.

24

People who claim to have a sexless marriage are liers!! they are the most dirtest buggers going saying that!

25

bemmyscot wrote:

I think the sexlesss marriage is a lot more common than people admit too. I never thought Id end up in one. I have now decided to stay together for the kids. Sex is off the menu. I have decided that having years of me doing the romancing and first move etc, for not a lot of rewardb it is now easier to be cleibate as this seems to work for my OH

Exactly the same for me and I mean exactly......... Still together and finaly given up trying but I have now decided to explore my bi side with a mate in the same boat so I am still technically faithful but fullfilling a natural need.

26

hope it works out for you Mr R. I decided that if my OH can go without sex or masterbation (as far as I know - the masterbation that is) Then so can I. I had my last wank around the 30th December,as even I had to do that in pvt. So far so good, 12 days into the new year and no wank, and no ejaculations unless ive had a wet dream, that Im not aware of.

27

I am not a liar. I also am not married!

28

yep, imagine having to say to her that you've cheated on her with a prostitute because you didnt feel that you could talk to her about the lack of sex. i would MUCH prefer that. she might not even think theres a problem

29

Hi guys some interesting comments there
Things are a little better now just some times things
Get into your head
After 30 year of marriage I've got the 'what if ' demons
My issue is that the OH is the only partner I've had
And whilst things have slowed down in the bedroom
I am accepting things will get better over time
I know the OH is stressing over some issues at the moment
Concerning our grown up kids and grandchildren but that's life
And you have to be greatful for what you've got.

Good luck guys with all those demons out there, messing with our heads

30

Hey,

Let me just add my story, because it hurts me a lot when I read so much about the men's perspective, which seems to be more socially acceptable than mine. But mine is still real.

I am a woman and I think I have never been in a situation where the man was with wanted more sex than me. My OH recently gave up and said, he can't do it anymore, mostly for physical reasons. Well, here I am, thinking about what to do. Cheating is not an option, because it would make the situation worse. I actually stepped back and took care of myself, I even did some soul-searching and work with old issues.

I told him I cannot go on like this and hope for some improvement. My suggestion is some couples counselling, but I am afraid he would have to tackle his drinking problem before anything else.

It is strange, but recently I went to bed, then got horny and wanted to use a toy. I told him this and disappeared for 15 mins. After I got back to bed he soon got up and spent the night on the sofa.

31

Wow Mickylicky. That sounds awful. I mean, I dont understand? He basically told you he cant have sex with you anymore because of physical reasons but if you play with yourself he will punish you and make you feel like crap by getting out of bed and sleeping on the couch? WHAT??

I am just going to guess, because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, that part of the reason he has little sex drive or ability to get/maintain erections etc are caused by drink?

If so I just find this person very selfish, and it makes me angry because I was there many years ago exactly where you are right now. I got called a whore.

It seems to me like your partner (and my ex) simply have a problem they are in denial about, and will punish us for their own problems. Sorry thats the way I see it now. I understand and accept addictions are harsh and so so so hard to break. But to punish someone else and make them feel horrible for having normal desires and needs and not face your problems is selfish and out of order if you ask me. mehhh

I dont know what to suggest. You say you would suggest counselling but you are afraid he would have to tackle his drinking problem first. Is there any way he can get help for that before hand, individually or together etc?

I think the reason why he got up and went to the couch is because he was angry. I think maybe somewhere deep inside him he feels like he is failing you by not being able to keep you satisfied. Quite often people will be acceptable of their partners masturbating, many do it in front of each other even. But when someone doesnt like or accept their partner is masturbating and actually gets angry or annoyed about it I personally think it is down to insecurities, feelings of not being good enough or not giving enough. It is a silly way to think really because we all do it lol. Unfortunately some people, especially when the situation is like yours and there is already some conflict about your sex life, some people can get pretty grumpy about the other going off and sorting themselves out. As one or two of the men have said on this forum, they have to go do it in private without the wife knowing for fear of being called a pervert or dirty etc.

I hope your bloke manages to get help for his drinking and that you can be happy. I really feel for you xx

32

I'll be honest with you - for me, there is a point where going outside the marriage for sex is not cheating.

Marriage is ordinarily an exclusive arrangement - the problem is that almost everything else that passes between a couple can be supplied elsewhere. If the husband doesn't work, the wife can, or the couple might have an income from elsewhere. If they can't cook, they can go out to eat. If they don't like doing housework, they can hire a cleaner.

However, there's no real substitute for sex. A divorce might destroy the couple financially, and there might be genuine love in the marriage. So what happens when one party makes it explicitly clear that there will no longer be sex? For the rest of their lives? If that is the situation - if you ask me, there's no concept of "cheating", because the rules have been changed.

You can't cheat in a game that only one person is playing.

33

I couldn't agree more Jaycloth

34

Thank you so much, Fluffbags, for your comment. I don't know what to do, yet. I am giving myself some more time. I might, when our monies allow, go to couples counseling alone. Until then I try to be as honest and respectful as I can.

What you write about him makes a lot of sense. There is basically nothing I can do about his drinking. I had tried before, but just exhausted myself completely.

I did not intend to write of "cheating" as in games. I belief that sex is a form of intimacy - like talking openly, cuddling, spending time together, trust,.... This means for me:

1. If I go ahead and have sex with others, I am less likely to work on our sexual issues, because I would be less motivated. I am furthermore destroying the other forms of intimacy and thus make the situation worse.

2. It is possible that the lack of sex is a symptom of a more general or underlying problem. In my case it is easy to say he as the alcoholic is the problem, as there is certainly more to it than a lack of sex drive and erectyle troubles. Before him I never had a healthy sex life and took sex as the only form of showing love that I knew.

So, as the Chinese say, according to Lisa Simpson, the Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity. I hope to learn something out of it, if the relationship makes it or not.

35

I wouldn't read to much into Chinese linguistics. They also like the number 8 on the basis that "8" sounds like "wealth / fortune / prosperity".

It would be like us thinking that "3" is an environmentally sound number because it sounds like "tree".

36

I can see your point of view Jaycloth. I know emotionally my OH was not in love with anyone else and he was essentially buying a product, but the guilt inside him is stopping him relax with me. Thus nothing for either of us.

What I am trying to say is that it would take a very hard person not to be emotionally ripped apart by the guilt.

My OH had also not slept with anyone else before me. Always a curiosity as to whether the other side of the fence is greener I guess.

37

I have no real advice to offer other than you are not alone i am currently sat on the sofa just haven got out of bed in the "huff" after hubby totally ignoring me allthough my marriage isnt 100% sexLESS its quite non existent, i find it really hard sometimes the difference in our sex drives but other than put up with feeling rejection on one hand and totally loving him on the other what else can i do but keep quiet and soldier on :/ sorry about any bad grammer posting from my phone here ;)

38

jaycloth wrote:

I'll be honest with you - for me, there is a point where going outside the marriage for sex is not cheating.

Marriage is ordinarily an exclusive arrangement - the problem is that almost everything else that passes between a couple can be supplied elsewhere. If the husband doesn't work, the wife can, or the couple might have an income from elsewhere. If they can't cook, they can go out to eat. If they don't like doing housework, they can hire a cleaner.

However, there's no real substitute for sex. A divorce might destroy the couple financially, and there might be genuine love in the marriage. So what happens when one party makes it explicitly clear that there will no longer be sex? For the rest of their lives? If that is the situation - if you ask me, there's no concept of "cheating", because the rules have been changed.

You can't cheat in a game that only one person is playing.

I dont agree :D See my opinion is that yes a divorce might destroy the couple financially, but we all have to make difficult decisions in our lifes at some point and cheating is almost like taking the "best of both worlds" approach for yourself and in the meantime possibly destroying someone emotionally. Its like saying "Ok if I leave I will be screwed financially, if I stay I get no sex, hmmm that decision is too tough for me so I will take option 3, keep my lovely secure and financially stable home with my wife, and cheat with Girl A down the street, win-win for me, and who cares who gets possibly hurt because I want the sex AND to be financially stable"

I think that if your husband/wife agrees to you seeing other people then thats a different thing altogether. And I do understand we all have the urges and desires for sex and it is pretty tough to be told "Never again" but in my opinion, if you are THAT unhappy then leave. No matter if you end up living in a rented bedsit eating baked beans its not fair to cheat on someone....My opinion ofc

39

Totally agree Fluffbags. As I said I know he was technically buying a product but I still consider it cheating.

We are just extremely lucky we have always been best of friends because that is what has kept us together for better or worse.

40

Judge not lest ye be judged.

Each person has their own reasons for "cheating"

I am going to be brutally honest, I was married for 15 years, left because of physical abuse, entered into a defacto relationship, which I am still in.

For the past 15 years my OH has never once seen to my needs (I'm talking about the big O), I need direct clitorial stimulation, he doesn't like going down, I know there are other ways he could have seen to my needs, but he never took and interest, as long as he got his rocks off he was happy, and to a degree while disappointed in his lack of interest in my needs, I was happy enough at least to be getting something.

Then 3 years ago we were going at it and all of a sudden he just hopped off. It took him awhile to admit he had lost his libido, and has no desire to get it back, not even to see to my needs (why would he, he hasn't for the past 15 years.) Andropause (male menopause).

"Cheating" never crossed my mind, I wasn't raised that way. So 3 years ago toy usuage started, I have always been a very private person, so when I first started with the toy's I would lock the bedroom door, then I thought maybe if he see's me playing it might interest him, so I left the bedroom door ajar, he has come in several times. looked at what I was doing, done an about face, and closed the door on the way out.

After 3 years of toy usuage only, I was missing out on the intimacy of being naked and wanted as a sexual being. So I did something I never thought I would do, and look for a Lover.

I am now 50, and I am happy to say I have found myself a 43 yo Lover, we are exclusive to each other. (I am not a bed hopper nor do I want to become one), my lover is married, so we have a NSA (No Strings Attached) affair that is ongoing.

My lover has made me feel like a woman again, he thinks me as sexy, and tells me I am. a term neither my Ex Husband or Defacto have ever told me. He is smoking hot, and I still have my now 25yo baby belly plus extra weight,

Neither of us are out to hurt our respective partners, but being honest, where I thought I would feel guilt, I now feel extreme pleasure in our discreet rendezvous.

I am once again feeling like a desirable wanted woman.