We haven’t t had the conversation yet, but I get a general sense of how this might go. What if you approach your OH about your widely miss matched libidos, and they are just, well it’s fine the way it is. They are not the slightest bit interested in trying to change anything. Then, what would you do? Have any of you encountered this scenario?
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Bizarrely the whole irony of libido effects how your mind is with sex so naturally if you’ve low then your not gonna be thinking about sex as much as someone who’s got a high and it don’t tend to bother them in the way that would make them go out the way to get it sorted unless they truly felt it was an issue 
My ex had a very low libido . Her answer used to be "ill.give you the money for a prostitute "
She refused to discuss it .
We remained together for years
For the last 6 years of marriage, we had no sex .
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Me and the OH have different drives. Hers has dropped off since kids came along. Suppose as frustrating as it is, it’s just something to live with as there’s far more to a relationship than sex. Maybe when the kids are older it returns but we’ll have to wait and see.
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After that comment from her I would have been gone 5 years and 364 days sooner. I had a shit sex life in my first marriage. I’m not going down that road again !
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Yes, there is more to a relationship than sex, but, if you truly care for each other, and have made a commitment to be together, sex isn’t any different than food, or finances, or a safe home. They are all things we need, and want to have for and with each other. Those people who trivialize the value of sex with each other are potentially the next affair or divorce victim.
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I agree that not specifically making time for your spouse after the kids arrive is a quick ticket to affairs and divorce. In my opinion, it’s the biggest mistake a spouse can make is to not set regular alone time with the OH and by focusing 100% of their attention on the kids. And if you’re too tired, set boundaries and get your spouse to contribute more in the kid care. Find parents, siblings, or babysitters to watch the kids. Put kids to bed by 7:30 pm at the latest. No excuses… men are simple. Feed them well, make them feel valued, and have an active sex life with them. They won’t stray. If your spouse feels like a roommate you’re already 3 years behind on getting counseling.
Or don t have kids, which is what we decided to do. You make your choices in life.
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I consider the libido to be mismatched in my relationship most of the time. I’ve come to the realisation that even talking about it may not provide a solution because in the end if they don’t want more intimacy then they don’t want more intimacy. I agree there is more to a relationship than sex but at the same time sex is a very big part of it. I guess you just have to decide if the satisfaction and happiness you get from the rest of the relationship is enough to carry you through the lack of satisfaction and frustrations of the sex side of it.
I would say my libido is higher than my husband’s and I could go for 3-4 times a week but Hubby can manage about twice a week. He has ed so sometimes cannot get hard enough for piv. Now I don’t complain that he is not able to satisfy me every time, I have toys that we use together to make sure that I am satisfied. I would never contemplate having an affair or divorce just because he has ed. Our marriage is more than just sex, it’s being supportive and caring of each other and enjoying our life together.
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Masturbation is all well and good to get you through the physical side of libido mismatch but often it’s not just the physical part you crave. For me It’s just as much wanting the emotional connection sex gives you, the feeling of being desired and wanted by the person you care about, the craving of being touched by the person you care about.
Sex contributes a lot more value to a relationship than just orgasms.
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You haven’t had that conversation yet and so you can’t say for certain, but if she says it’s fine, you need to tell her that it’s nof. Even if she doesn’t want “full” sex, cuddles, kisses, oral, helping you masturbate, etc. Not always, but at least sometimes. If you’re not both happy, it’s not “fine”.
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Brutal 
You’re somewhat correct though - having kids is a lifestyle choice. It doesn’t always feel like it.
It’s certainly impacted our sex life, but wouldn’t change it. Love my weirdos!!!
I never liked kids anyway so it was an easy choice for me. Hubby wasn’t fussed but it pissed his parents off no end.
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There are no kids, we are retired, ( she does some small side jobs ), most of her time is spent keeping up with bills and laundry, plus the different study groups she spends time with. She is not overburdened with cooking ( I do a large portion of that, plus grocery shopping) There is a lot of free time available to her.
Agreed, and that conversation is in the works. I do know her attitudes though, and I might be wrong, I do not expect a positive response. I would be fine with some masturbation of other intimate time, I don’t require full on sex every day.
I couldn’t agree with you more. And that is my point. We have built a good life, I miss the intimacy, the body contact that masturbation does not provide. I want to feel WANTED, not just as someone to have dinner and conversation with.
Sounds like a win/win situation
Kidding, I love my in laws. The cliché about them all being evil isn’t correct (not all the time anyway!).
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Having mismatched libidos is normal. The thing is not to insist or expect you have to be horny to initiate or accept an initiation. You just have to be willing to try. Once you get started the chances are the horniness will grow, and if it doesn’t, you just enjoy whatever you’re in the mood for. That might just be cuddles, clothed or naked, or maybe just the horny one is helped to cum. Whatever works.
You have to be willing to accept the other person or yourself is just not in the mood and if thats the case, be honest. But unless you’re willing to give it a chance to develop you’re not likely to have much sex because we’re rarely horny at the same time.
Of course that’s in an ideal world were both are willing to initiate and I’m well aware many relationships might make that difficult. You both need to accept and understand that sex is an important element to loving relationships. At a superficial and simplistic level its what separates friends from lovers and its something that needs to be maintained and nurtured as we grow and change throughout life.
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Thank you, you are correct. I did some research yesterday that may be the most important aspect of our relationship. There are two types of sex drives, one is spontaneous, the other reactive. I am spontaneous, it takes nothing for me to be aroused. She is reactive, and takes a lot of things to get her in the mood. ( She has not always been reactive) Knowing the differences gives me a roadmap to try to correct things. It is the change in her sex arousal type that has been baffling, and I didn’t know that change could happen. I am open to any positive changes that will bring our libidos closer together, and even just any non partnered participation. We have so much other good things going on, this one item should be correctable, or at least made better. We will probably never be at the same level,I know that. Having her just be open and feeling that she really cares about my pleasure is going to be very important.
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