Some thoughts please

Hi all, im new here, but wanted some thoughts from you guys.

I’m in a long term relationship everything’s great, but I have this desire to be alot more experimental and wilder in the bedroom. I want to try more kinky things, I want my girlfriend to want/like this too.

Now I'm scared to talk to her about being more adventurous in bed, because I get the feeling from the past that she's may not like what she would class as 'slutty' things. I accidentally bought her crotchless panties (didn't know they were crotchless when I bought them), but thought this might be fun. She didn’t take it well. Also she only lightly trims her pussy, when talking about other styles because it came up on tv, she asked what I liked. I said what ever made her feel comfortable, but hinted I wouldn’t mind it clean shaven (I would prefer some hair, but would like to have it shaven for a change/bit of fun, never know might like it!).

So all this and more make me think she wouldn't like what I would like to try with her (Fantasy role play, cumming on her, her talking dirty, her wanting to pleasure me) and if I were to ask I would get a negative reaction and or she wouldn’t see me in the same light.

On the other hand I do get hints she has a naughtier side. She does on the rare occasions she gives me a bj swallow my cum. She has talked dirty before and bought some lingerie.

Is there a inner experimental naughty girl in there? And if there is what’s holding it back? I tried asking about her fantasies and if there was anything she wanted to do that we were not already doing, but she didn’t really come up with anything.

For me, I only became experimental after I tarted reading erotic novels. Has she read the fifty shades of grey books or the crossfire trilogy? They would be a good start for someone starting off. You could buy her them either before Christmas or as a Christmas present.
Then take a book some day and read a few chapters when she's out. Bring it up in conversation that night saying you read ***** and it was pretty kinky, would she or has she ever done it etc
It would be an easy way to introduce talking about it and then if she seemed keen you could suggest trying out something's from the book x x


Communication really is the key to everything like this. We can't tell you what she's like, or what she likes, just talk to her.

I often find with my OH it's those times post sex when its stupid oclock and you end up sitting up until the birds start singing talking about what you want to try. Just open conversation with her - start with what you've just done, and how good it was, and what you liked about it, and just the let conversation evolve, don't bombard her with what you want, listen, talk back, discuss, kiss, caress, you know - just talk!!

Sum Sub wrote:




blonde vixen13 - I think your right, she doesn’t read much though. Maybe a similar tv series might help?

Sum Sub - unfortunately I'm a worried about talking to her and how she will react, I would be fine talking to her If the worst case was she said she wasn’t interested and nothing more came of it, but I fear this would linger and effect the relationship.

If I want to suggest something new to my wife, or explore her fantasies and fetishes I find the best time to do this is when she's very drunk and in the middle of a night of kinky sex.

The added bonus of the drunk part is that she is less likely to remember if I suggest something that she really isn't keen on (never happened yet!)

Sub Sub is right, communication is key.

I understand it can be a hard subject to broach. We are running the risk of rejection and potentially (If they react badly) being made to feel ashamed of our desires, but you have two choices. 1) Not mention anything and continue to live without your desires or 2) Talking about it together and potentially opening up a whole new playing field.

I know I am cming from a different view point here, but if someone flipped out at me for having sexual desires or being a sexual person, i'd be like...okayyyyyy bye! (Not saying you should say bye, just saying I don't understand how someone can make their partner and lover feel like they should NOT want sex :S

You could always try broaching the subject, rather from your viewpoint, but from hers and ask things like "So, is there anything special you would like me to do for you in the bedroom" This can then open up her to ask "What about you" I don't recommend jumping in the deep end right from the start but slowly mentioning things. One thing to bear in mind is that people have different desires. She probably won't agree to everything but on the other hand, she might be thinking exactly the same as you and is shy to mention it. It is just about being honest, even admitting your fears to each other and aknowledging that you both might have different desires without attacking or shaming. (If you think she would do that)

The thing that stood out to me though, was that you were almost suggesting that your partner actively goes against your wishes? Maybe I read it wrong but I seem to read it as "She started styling her pussy differently because I told her I would like it another way" I also read that you would like her to pleasure you. It sounds like from your writing that she actively avoids trying to please you, unless I am reading it wrong? If this is the case, I think something deeper is going on and you might need to sort that out first before trying to suggest sexual things to her.

I think if there is something going on in her mind, stopping her from wanting to be sexual with you, then you trying to hint or push for more might make her close up even more, because she will feel either pressured, or that the only thing you are interested in is sexual.

I hope that makes sense?

daisiesofthegalaxy wrote:

blonde vixen13 - I think your right, she doesn’t read much though. Maybe a similar tv series might help?

Sum Sub - unfortunately I'm a worried about talking to her and how she will react, I would be fine talking to her If the worst case was she said she wasn’t interested and nothing more came of it, but I fear this would linger and effect the relationship.

Very small steps is the key here I think.

If bondage is your thing then don't suggest converting a room in your house into a full on dungeon, instead try blindfolding her during a massage, next time you could try tying her hands with a dressing-gown belt, or a tie etc

I'd consider the sex I have with my wife to be pretty kinky, but we haven't really ever sat down and said "right, I want to do this, that etc..." it has just been a slow progression. You need a lot of patience

As has already been said, discuss it with her and see how she reacts. Would she be interested in playing a sex game with you? Lovehoney sell them and there are loads to chose from.

You mentioned that you wanted to be more experimental, and that you want your girlfriend to be too. Some of the games have cards with suggestions as to what you can do, as well as role playing etc. You could go through the cards together and discuss how you feel about them. They may give you some ideas of things you hadn't considered doing, and may also give an indication as to what you would both like to do/have done.

Neither my wife or I are confident people, but we found the games really helped as they gave us some ideas and covered things we had thought about doing but didn't have the confidence to try before.

Obviously if she really doesn't want to try anything you may just have to accept it. Not everyone is adventurous, but you won't know if you don't ask. If nothing else you may learn more about her. Good luck.

@fluffbags - Thanks for your post firstly. On your first point I think I've just been 'holding out' for a while to see if she were to broach the subject first. I kind of tried to get her to open up but wasn’t sure she had anything (if that’s possible). Maybe she was also scared to open up, maybe I should try asking again, but maybe with a few glasses of wine down her like dh says! she isn’t actively going against my wishes I must have typed something unclear, she has always had her pussy styled one way, when it came into conversation about people with clean shaven I said I wouldn’t mind it, but she seemed against it. She doesn’t actively try not to please me, but sometimes like when its that time of the month we don’t have any sexual contact, any sex is always initiated by me.

Ohhh! I understand now! My guy likes me to have different styles of "hairdo" too and I do oblige but only because that's basically what I like too, sometimes long, sometimes shaved. If she likes it the way it is then thats fair enough (Like I said, you won't both agree on everything) Yeh, definitely talk to her. Slowly and gently would be my advice and try to throw in as much "for her" as possible too, so it doesn't seem (in her mind) that its all about you, even though it isn't, you probably know what us ladies can be like if something is a delicate issue hehe. slow and steady, like others have said. xx Good luck!

By the way. Sex in my relationship is always initiated by me too, so I understand what it feels like. I think some people are just very shy or feel awkward about approaching it, some maybe even be scared of rejection etc.

@shy_guy - yes I like the idea of those, but it might be a bit to 'wham in your face' to start with, I think she would maybe take it as in her mind me saying 'I don’t enjoy our sex and I want to be some sort of pornstar', but I do enjoy what we do together and don’t want to degrade her. But maybe after some introductory steps that would be a good idea.

@fluffbags - will try and focus on the 'her' side of things, tbh I would be open to try most things if she came up with them. I just think sometimes that she should be completely comfortable with me and there’s no need for embarrassment. I'm not the most experienced and in fact she’s been my only sexual partner, so I admit there may be things I’m not doing she wants me to do.

Agree with Shy guy about the games, my wife and I were both shy and raised kinda 'victorian' and when we wanted to add excitement in the bedroom but didn't know how we bought Monogamy and it realy helped us a lot with ideas. You can always decide ahead of time that anything to 'weird' or out there you won't do and each of you should have veto power over what you will or won't do.

@FrumCouple - just gone through the games, like the look of some maybe I should suggest a weekend getaway.

daisiesofthegalaxy wrote:

@FrumCouple - just gone through the games, like the look of some maybe I should suggest a weekend getaway.

We also first broke it out on a holiday

I remember being in your situation, scared to suggest things in case of a negative reaction and total loss of sex life due to said suggestions!

I think everyone has a inner demon, waiting to be awoken...........the hard thing is going the right way about it.

Maybe get her on this forum? This might make her realise that your suggestions are not as extreme as she may think........whatever you suggest, someone , somewhere is doing it / done it or about to do it!!!

Reasearch together, find out what different toys do for example, this may get to her curious side and make her more relaxed

Communication as said is the key, be honest with each other and take your time, Its hard being in a long term relationship as its so easy to get in a rut. It takes effort and understanding to keep things lively, I hope you get there in the end

Hi Daisies (Eels fan by any chance?). I can only echo what everyone else has said. Communication is the key and baby steps. Don't rock up with a ball gag and gimp outfit!
I've been married for 24 years and it's only in the last 6 months to a year that our bedroom habits have really changed. Of course I've tried to encourage her before, but not really successfully.
But we're now doing things I never thought we would and it's great. So persevere - if she's the right girl, you'll make the most of what you have and love her for that. As great as sex is, it's not the be-all and end-all (unless you're totally incompatible). Change can come when you least expect it. Good luck.

Defiantly got it spot on!

dh wrote:

Very small steps is the key here I think.

If bondage is your thing then don't suggest converting a room in your house into a full on dungeon,

On first reading I missed the "don't" and thought that was a bit extreme. ;-)

I'd go along with the concensus. First ten years of our relationship was fairly vanilla, but now it's much kinkier. My OH definitely has an inner naughty girl who doesn't always come out to play, but it's great when she does.

Take it step by step and work out what she likes. Monogamy is a great game to gently push the boundaries and if you agree that any card can be discarded if either of you is uncomfortable, then it's pretty safe not to make the inner naughty girl hide.

Just to add: making it clear that SHE has total control to discard any card will actually put her more at ease and leave her more open to trying new things.