Still no joy

As some of you might remember I wrote a thread a while ago about me not being able to orgasm.

I have literally tried everything and even been to psychosexual counselling because of it (I have been through some things which may have not helped the lack of orgasm)

I have bought many products including the balms and the Tracey cox gel. I have never "chased" it which i know can also be a negative response but I have got to the point of totally giving up with it now.


Hi there! You're not alone, and I certainly hope this doesn't make you feel like you're 'broken' in some way - you're not! I struggle with the same thing too, and the closest I've got to it was a teeny tiny one with the We-Vibe Tango, but every other time feels just like I'm rolling a boulder up a hill, and after a while the boulder just rolls back down without me ever reaching the top. I've tried the gel too and didn't do anything for me either.

I think what's helped me is taking the time to think about why I want an orgasm...and for me it's mainly so that I know what it feels like. I just want to satiate my curiousity. Knowing that helped me to reassess things and realise that yes, I still want to orgasm, but no, it's not everything. I now no longer masturbate hoping to orgasm. The one time with the teeny weeny one just kinda happened and I only realised it after.

Betty Dodson pointed out in an article that our ideas of what an orgasm is is very much shaped by the porn industry, but everything there is so exaggerated and might not be true for each of us. Some people won't have the eye-rolling, leg-shaking experience - could this be you maybe?

I've not really offered a solution, and I'm not sure if anyone can, but I think it's important to not stress yourself out over it (I definitely was). Think about why orgasming means this much to you (which I think is a perfectly normal response) and in the meantime, learn to enjoy your sexual experiences and try new things :) I saw in a previous post that you've got a really supportive partner - that's really good! Direct him to stimulate you in ways that feel good, and if something feels exceptionally better, get him to keep it up until it doesn't. None of this is "giving up", it's just adjusting goalposts.

For myself, I'm just trying not to focus too much on trying to orgasm, and am also keeping an eye out for the satisfyer/womanizer - if only they weren't so expensive! Eager to see if they live up to their claims :P

Sending you hugs in the meantime! There are more of us out there than you might realise, and that's okay :)

Hi both Mandi and captain meow. First I know Iam a man so orgasm is much easier for me. However I sympathies greatly and have one experience with women with your issue. This was one of my reasons for studying sex particularly women , their body and its anatomy . in order to give the best pleasure to a woman you really need to understand her anatomy and how her genitals are connected .

We often forget that sex is about reproduction so a mans orgasm is about the giving of sperm. For years It was felt that the female orgasm was not required to conceive. Whilst this is true its know proven that a woman's orgasm post male ejacultion greatly improves the chances of impregnation especially in missionary. As during orgasm the cervix dips its self into the pool of semen.

With the Advent of good contraception and equality women's sexual pleasure has become equally important. The growth in sex toys mostly for women shows just how much so. Love honey its research and sales helps us to see just how big it is for women to help find sexual satisfaction.

This aside the psychology of a woman's sexual desire and arousal is far greater than the actual physical stimulation. For her to allow herself to become aroused feel good about it and not feel embarrassed or dirty and wrong. These feelings can be massively imbedded in a woman's sexual subconscious from childhood or a bad experience. Unfortunately chasing the elusive orgasm can actually make it even more difficult to achieve as its very much in the female psychology to heap pressure on yourself instead of placing more focus on relaxing and pure pleasure.

Masterbation can be very embarrassing for a few women it just feels wrong and dirty but its so important to understand your own body and how it needs to be stimulated before trying to get a male partner to try that probably doesn't understand the female body very well himself.

Once your able to overcome these inhibitions you then need to work out your bodies preferred way to be stimulated. Most women achieve orgasm from clitoral stimulation but the speed and pressure is unique and very individual. Some don't like any clitoral direct contact as it can be overly sensitive, this is one of a lot of inexperienced men's problem they are to clitoral focused. A woman needs to be very aroused to be able to take fast and firm clitoral stimulation.

Good rhythm and pressure seems to be important too. Some women need the trusting and fullness of her vagina too. Some others have found that it takes anal stimulation. Recently the focus has looked at the G or A spot these are just proof that women are able to orgasm in a variety of ways. Even purly mental thoughts is possible. Most importantly though is the mind relaxing taking your time feeling safe and comfortable to explore your body to try many different ways of stimulation and just go with the flow.

I hope this has helped in some small way and your right nothing is wrong or broken its just time and relaxation. I wish you both well and good luck on your quest.

Definitely true, GG. Also quite impressed that you know that much :)

As far as I'm aware, I don't have any psychological not really sure what the issue is. But that's what Mandi went for counselling for, and I hope it helped! I will certainly keep the things you've mentioned in mind

Thanks meow and GG for replying.

I went to counselling as I was referred because of the "issue" I was having and yes I have had some negative experiences but I do try to not let them come to my conscious thought.

Like you say GG, I know quite abit about sex and the types of orgasm and levels of arousal men and women go through in order to reach orgasm as I studied sexuality and gender as part of degree. Had a full two hour lecture on each lol. Quoting a lot of masters and johnsons work.

I do have a very supportive partner but sometimes in the throws of things my needs can sometimes be forgotten but I also understand that as it's about both of us. Hopefully in time it will happen and I know I am not alone in things. I have even been reading a self help book on and trying different things that may work for me. It took me until the age of 28 to face it and disclose it to my partner and GP, and I am so glad I did, because like you said previous Meow, that portrayal in media and films does give the wrong message especially to someone like myself that has yet to experience it and needs to locate the correct feelings associated with an orgasm than the typical media perceived orgasm.

Thanks again everyone.

Are you taking medication if do check side effects, also check out forums for your meds too.

Hi I am so sorry to hear this. everyone needs to realise their orgasm I am no expert and some good advice here. I hope you find solution and don't give up. Try a few doctors not just one. Also medicine can have a effect also but how much well i dont know i know its effect. I am truuly sorry I can not help you. But dont give up!

Hi Mandi and Captain meow, I think its amazing that both of you are so comfortable to share such a feminine and intimate thing. I don't wish to pry but your ages and sexual experience are this GS that would give me a better chance to advice and guide. Also it's very intimate again have you seen a gyno ? To ensure your genitialia are normal and functional . sorry to use such forward and not very sympathetic phrases but I do feel I would be able to assist . I have a great deal of knowledge about this and have been able to help others.

Love honey is an amazing place and the forums help so much but in order to keep it friendly and legal they have removed the private message facility due to it being abused .

With out any anatomical physical problems it is undoubtedly sexualy psychological. Its very difficult for both sexes to get over sexual mental barriers. However more so for women. The deepest core of femininity is to be desired, wanted and lusted after. This can give way some times to insecurities over body form ,shapes and size . worst still genital shape and size , scent.

Un fortunately the pharmaceutical industry and fashion sectors spend $ billions telling women they won't be desirable unless you wear this or use these products. As women have become more independent and have equal rites in some ways they are more vulnerable than ever.

I wish all women could understand that the naked female form with its natural scernt is beautiful. Its what the word was designed for not cars, places, boats or race horses just the human female form. Perfume and clothes are just like wrapping paper covering the wonderful surprise hidden inside.

Even if a woman feels her face is not that of a beauty model your body its feminine sensual curves . the breast and genitals arouse most men more than most women could ever understand. Its scent and taste are way beyond any other aphrodisiac. Only just if we could get women do understand just how desired they are.