Suggestions for new dom/sub

A guy I’m speaking to has asked me to “take what you want, don’t take no for an answer”. I’ve not done anything like this before and neither has he. What’s some suggestions on things I can do, he doesn’t do pain/choking though. I want to make him feel good but also make sure I’m being pleased. The more specific the better as we both really want to explore this together and see where it goes

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Pegging - turn up with a strap-on and tube of lube and ask him when does he want it..

Spanking - dominate him - dress up in something dominant and bring a paddle to the fun

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Sorry to be that guy, but ‘don’t take no for an answer’ (without a safeword, or clear boundaries agreed beforehand) is a recipe for disaster.

I’d suggest you iron this out before you go into anything ‘too kinky’, communicate during, and debrief afterwards to make sure it doesn’t toe that classic line of abuse.

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Not my area but I’d second @Gareth . That rang alarm bells. “don’t take no for an answer”? So what will you take as no? You need to set the ground rules. Agree on a safe word. Agree on boundaries ( for both of you ). Discuss after care etc..

@Tenshadesandme, @KinkyMira is this something you can offer proper advice about?

I am taking from your statement @Wonderer13 that it’s you who will be the Top. My suggestions are;

  • Start by establishing your comittments. Have him sit or kneel in front of you. Speak affirmatively and make sure he is keeping eye contact with you as you speak. Get clear positive affermations to your directions to being Top/bottom. Use strong key words he must acknowledge in terms of honorifics like, Ma’am, or Mistress, if that is what you are going for. This is just the base conversation.
  • Definein words both of your intentions and negotiate every piece.
  • Spanking is a good way to start. Easy and can be controlled with minimum pain but maximum energy and power exchange if he goes accross your knee. It’s not emascualting but for the male ego can get the mind into accepting Dominance and control.
  • Mutual education. Do not watch BDSM videos! Go to events and classes that you can be vouyers at to see what stimulates you.
  • Treat it asa new way to have fun not to humilate until you get clear understanding of intentions and have gotten comfortable.
  • Remember it’s ok to laugh at your first attempts. You won’t be perfect to start or ever.
  • Be enthusastic!
  • If you have the opportunity, you speak to Female Tops and he should speak to Male bottoms.

That’s just my suggestions and everything I wrote will work 100% of the time if you take them to heart…except when they don’t. :rofl:

Oh and welcome to the forum I’m sure they will be way more informative stuff coming your way.

So, don’t take no for an answer can work. We’ve each done something like that before and it has. But…

I’d certainly be cautious, if its someone you don’t know that well, don’t have sexual experience with and knowledge about.

When we’ve done it, we’ve known the people well. We’ve kind of known where to push, known where to stop, known what to do and how far to go.

I’d certainly be concerned if you don’t have that knowledge and experience with this person.

But equally, in some ways, it might be fun to make a start. Pegging, spanking, dom stuff, bondage all possible places to see if he means it without doing too much. Personally, I’d probably go for pegging and see where it goes.

Be careful. Be safe. Have fun.

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Everyone has boundaries. They just may not know it yet. I suggest maybe both of you doing the BDSM test which you can find online but im sure someone can link it also and then have a good chat about the results before doing anything. Get him to say what he has in mind… what he sees as a ‘take what you want’ session as you could have very different ideas. Once you start, ensure you check in often and use the traffic light system. 'Green: im all good, keep going. Amber: I need you to change what youre doing/ slow down etc. Red: Stop now. I need this to end. We also add in blue which is i need a drink/toilet break etc. These check ins are hugely important. For instance, you may blindfold him. He may think he wants it, but suddenly it triggers something and he has to stop. If he calls red, stop immediately. Unrestrain, unblindfold etc and then talk about what happened. Remember you can end a scene also if youre not comfortable. Ask him what he feels aftercare looks like for him. He may not know so could be trial and error on this. My aftercare can look different everytime all according to what we have been doing.

It doesnt have to be all silence and barking orders etc, especially when youre trying new things. Make sure you talk and laugh. Were experienced and we still do this.

Dont try and do everything once. For instance, agree to just do some gentle spanking, maybe with a blinfold to start. Next time you could add some simple restraint and add an ice cube to add some sensory/temp play into the mix. Next time add some prostate play. You get the gist. Slowly and steadily. Stay to your plan. Dont try doing things that havent been agreed to beforehand. If either of you think of something you want to try, keep it in mind and talk about it after.

Debrief everytime. Talk about what you both enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy. What you would like to add etc.

I could go on for ages but these are my tips to start. :blush:

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This! As much of this as you can get in.

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And its worth noting that the debrief may span over days as if youre anything like me I remember things as the days go on. I tend to forget most of it initially :rofl:

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Oh yes, absolutely not an immediate debrief. Kills the aftermoment.

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Good points here on boundaries. Questionnaires like the BDSM test are good and so is the carnal calibration test for getting a sense of where you both are.

Education services like Beducated, XR University podcasts and FemdomU are also good resources for an understanding of different options as well as valuable safety advice.