@Cupc8kes it took an argument for everything to finally click for me. Not only that I was maybe a bit dense but she really (not that I recall) never fully laid out how she felt.
To preface, we have two 6-month old puppies. We live in California so our “back yard” is a giant dirt clod that maybe used to be covered with grass 20 years ago. Therefore whenever they go outside to go potty, they at the very least track dirt everywhere. They also bring in rocks and sticks and leaves to chew on and play with. This leaves the floor noticeably dirty.
I’m going to blame this on the “husband’s eye”, but OH used to come home and I’d see her cleaning up a bit but it never really registered in my mind what was happening.
I’m sure in her mind she thought, “Hubby sees me cleaning after I get home at MIDNIGHT and he still doesn’t help me with any of this!”
Now to all of the OHs that are feeling this way, your other half can just be super dense sometimes. Seriously, spell it out for us. We’re not total jerks, I promise 
Anyway, in my mind I thought," Why is she cleaning? She’ll go to sleep right after. AND first thing in the morning the dogs will go potty and get it dirty again, and she will literally not even be able to enjoy the floor being swept."
It blew my mind that she cleaned knowing it would only remain clean while she was asleep and just get dirty before she could enjoy it.
One day when OH and I were both off of work together, she entered into one of her cleaning frenzies. This of course included tasks that she wanted me to do. Of course I can’t say that I didn’t grumble a bit when she had hours of cleaning lined up for me on my day off of work.
But I did get stuff clean. There was one task in particular that really just got under my skin. It wasn’t an especially unpleasant task but it was the way she wanted it done. I had my idea on how to accomplish the task, and my wife had her idea.
Being totally honest, my way seemed more efficient. She explained what she wanted and I explained why I wanted to do it my way and also why it was more efficient to do it my way. Plus since I’m doing the task, I didn’t feel like I should have to take the longer method to get to the same result and needlessly waste time.
OH wasn’t having it though. She started in with the whole, “You never help out, I’m always cleaning and you just sit there on the computer on fb and watch me work.”
She wasn’t wrong. But I also don’t believe in cleaning when things are going to get dirty again right away. I don’t shower before going to the gym, I don’t wash my car when it’s raining, I don’t sweep up after dogs that are just going to turn the house into a zoo again in a few hours anyway (unless it’s just really bad, but not the small specs of leaves & dirt that accumulates daily).
So she said I don’t help clean, I asked her why she even cleaned at all every day when it’s not needed every day (my opinion).
That’s when she told me directly how she felt about coming home to a dirty house every day. Just no mental peace going to sleep knowing the kitchen was dirty and the floor was still unswept.
So that led into discussing very specifically what things I could clean before she comes home every day to make her feel happy and peaceful and that she’s walking into a clean house.
She listed things and now I’m much better about cleaning. Knowing just how much she needs it mentally and emotionally, and knowing exactly what she wants done really helped me get my butt in gear and help out.
Now just about every day I have the dishes out of the sink and in the dish washer. The pots and pans are cleared off the stove and counters with the food put properly into the fridge if there are leftovers. The floor is swept. The dogs toys are put away so OH doesn’t trip over them. And as she has a desire for ribs on the grill, I make that for her.
Now she can come home and walk in with a smile on her face and peace in her heart that she has a hubby that finally supports her cleaning needs.
Wow that was long. But I think the argument we had helped too. Also I’m legit dense. 