The only downside to Lovehoney.....

.....apart from the amount I spend, of course!

I’m starting to find that as my sexual horizons broaden, I’m feeling increasingly frustrated with my husband. Any suggestions I make, testing waters, so to speak, about pretty much anything we’ve not done before, get shut down with a straight no. The only concession is bondage, and that only happens because I’m the one of the receiving end of it (getting paddled, restrained etc). I’m far more into anal than he is (I’ve pretty much given asking about it and just use my dildo on my own now), and he is vehemently against anything involving other people, male or female, even just watching/ being in the same room as others. Even going to clubs to watch or dogging are just a flat no.

It’s not just that he doesn’t want to try these things right now (we have a toddler and I know he is busy with work), it’s the permanence of the shut-downs, like it will never ever happen. I don’t want regrets when I’m older about not trying things because I need someone else’s permission, but to be honest I don’t think he would be comfortable with me heading out to explore any of my kinks on my own either.

When I ask if there is anything different he wants to try

, the most outlandish thing is having sex in the car, but only then if we could ‘guarantee’ not getting caught. He is in general just a lot more risk adverse than me. Even with the stuff he does say he wants to try, he then does nothing about actually making it happen.

There is so much I would love to try (threesomes, swinging clubs, pegging) even just the once, I just feel so trapped and conflicted. I would never want to coerce him into doing stuff he isn’t comfortable with, but I feel like we are increasingly on different pages in terms of our sexual tastes. I’m tired feeling like I’m having to push to get him to try new things (even if there is every chance he might actually enjoy some of it if he tried) when he seems quite happy just having vanilla sex. Being on the forum has been a real eye-opener for me, hearing about people’s experiences, good and not so good, I just want to try more rather than just reading about what others are doing.

Anyone else been through something similar? I would be really grateful for some thoughts. Thanks.

Darn edit function won't let me edit out the huge and unexpected gap mid-post, apologies, it looks odd.

I think it's a problem with any sort of social media, we always see others and what they have/do and sometimes we wish we had their lives. I have some rather wealthy friends and I see some of the places around the world they visit and I look about the window and see the rain and the wind. But then I think about what I have, how some people in my social world may look at my life and wish they had certain aspects. The point I am trying to make is that we take for granted what we have. It may not be much but it's perhaps more than someone else has. We all have desires/fantasies that will and forever remain just that. Hopefully this issue doesn't manifest into resent or regret as this can have a larger affect on your relationship. There is no real way to convince someone that something they think is a bad idea to think it's a good one especially if it's an emotional objection.

Not having a relationship I don't feel I can comment on that side of things but being single I can understand the feeling of missing out.

Although 'kinks' etc are becoming more common (or more open) this site/forum will still have a reasonable amount of bias towards open, experimental and adventurous play and playmate's. It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling like everyone is doing all this crazy stuff, visiting swingers clubs every other weekend, when if you can even get people to discuss lots are very vanilla at best.

Nothing wrong with wanting more but it's easy to lose perspective. I often have to keep reminding myself that even if I find a partner they probably won't share an interest in all the things I would like try. We are lucky (and unlucky) to be open to all these things. Hopefully others more experienced than me can advise on how to reach a compromise.

Could you both have a chat about hard limits and soft limits... maybe using an app like nookii swipe to match up sexual interests may help get the ball rolling.

Part of it could be a little shyness to talk about fantasies. That type of app may help remove the shy factor.

And you may have to accept that sharing or threesomes are a hard limit like they are for many people, but that is not to say an introduction of a DP toy may not be a soft limit or perhaps a sex doll instead, to mimic that action.

Has he taken a look at the forum himself too? That could help if he reads about other people's experiences just like you have.

Dogging and such are often hard limits due to authorities and I would not advise this due to the legalities around that type of play. Please see rule no 9.

It is tough being on the same page as someone when it comes to sex and the endless activities that go with it LH opened my eyes and I have tried more and more since talking on here I have tried different things with ex's and I'm now single which then raises the thought will someone share the interests as me? Chin up though and keep talking about it you never know at some point he could surprise you and give something a go 😁

Apologies Leanne, that was not the best example I could have chosen. Never heard of that app, will give it a shot. A big thank you to everyone else, I just needed a bit of help getting some perspective back: grass is always greener, or different sex is always better, in this case. I just feel like I’m straining to get off my leash at the moment, and my husband is the one holding the other end. Our sex life has never been that groundbreaking, I guess that is why I’m keen to explore, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to come on that journey with me.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to explore keep those fingers crossed he has a change of heart and jumps on board for the ride with you 😊

Gosig, I can definitely relate although maybe not to the extent you are explaining.

Since being on LH, it has opened me up to a big wide world, and a wonderful one at that. Although my husband has dabbled in some fun that I have found from this site, I wouldn't say he is on my level and find this very frustrating at times.

But as many have said on here, you come on here and you read about all these wacky steamy sessions that people might have, but maybe they don't have the same reponsibilies as someone else- we couldn't have a sex swing in the house for instance, our children would be jumping all over it! So although you might be reading what others are doing, the situation is never the same as yours. All I can say is that have an honest conversation with him let him know that you have deeper desires that you are currently exploring and that you don't want to end up resenting him along the way if you are unable to dabble in something you fancy.

As Leanne has said though, hard and soft limits are a good way of setting boundaries and knowing exactly what you are both comfortable with. Myself and my husband had a threesome, way before we were married as I had done it previously and he hadn't. I kind of talked him into it even he had said it wasn't something that would be of much interest to him but I didn't want him resenting me later on in life (As I said other people in the relationship is a no go after marriage). Afterwards he said he really didn't want to do that again- so we haven't and i'm absolutely satisfied with that. I would never want him in a position that he was unhappy or uncomfortable in.

I really hope you find the answers you are looking for, and that you and your husband can get on a level that works for you both!

I think everyone has a different limit and what they will be happy with and not and it's about exploring and reaching a mutual area. I was very much previously vanilla (due to it was very painful for me - endometriosis) Now I'm stepping out exploring boundaries but it's learning together my hubby likes bondage bit with me we are expanding and trying to expand levels. Would hard and soft limits work? Keywords? Him seeing how excited you get with anal play?

Hey Gosig, as always plenty of excellent comments from others and lots to take in. Like Most things once you start it’s a slippery slope and if you have only just started in the world of sex toys then so many doors open up. I have had similar issues in the past where I’m very comfortable talking about sex and kinks etc and I always feel you should be open to your partner, but others are reserved and like to keep things to themselves. It’s frustrating because you feel like your hitting a wall and can’t move forward, but unfortunately everyone is valid to their own opinions and rights and sometimes we do need to just have to deal with stuff solo, which as you said you have been trying and that’s great. I would defiantly recommend speaking about limits and being honest with your partner, don’t go in with your sleeves rolled up and ready for a fight, but just speak to him and let him know what you want from the relationship. In my head I feel everyone should have the opportunity to express what they want and don’t want from a relationship but be prepared to take no for an answer. With the stress of a toddler and work it could be your partner is tired and overtime the spark will come back. But talk to him about what your fantasies are and see if he isn’t willing to act them out to either help or go solo. For instance, If you wanted a threesome but your partner doesn’t want anyone else involved then buy a suction cup dildo and attach it so you can take your partner and the toy at the same time etc. Unfortunately this will be a case of talking and being both honest and open minded, you may have some fantasies squashed but we’re all young, one day things may change. I wish you the very best, and remember fantasy and reality are two very different things.

Similar to how Ana and Christian on FSOG had a contract of hard and soft limits, I think there is room in many couple's lives for something similar in the form of a questionnaire.

Talking about sex is hard for a lot of people. Have a look online, you can find 'yes I'd love to do this, or I am open to trying this/no, not now or no, not at this time' or soft limit/hard limit questionnaires for each of you to fill out. They can start from as simple as kissing, and where on the body the kissing can take place, right up to some more hardcore kinks.

You both have to be on board with the idea of filling it out, but he may find it an easier way to communicate with you, as he doesn't have to physically speak it out loud.

Just so you don't think everyone on here is having lots of crazy fun I thought I'd say that we don't go to swingers clubs, or have threesomes, or go dogging, or do hardcore bondage, or squirting, or pegging, or even indulge in any bum-play at all. 🙂 I still think we have a lot of fun though.

Many thanks again for the comments and suggestions. I have tried, on several occasions, to talk to him about all this, it is the firmness, almost reflex-esque nature of the ‘no’ that I find difficult. These ideas have been drip-fed, I have tried to pick my moments, I haven’t just whacked him with ‘hey let’s go swinging’ as soon as he was home from work. It just feels like everything I say is met with the hard limit, nothing soft, no room for compromise or negotiation. He doesn’t like using dildos on me (his exact words when we tried were ‘I stopped because I got jealous’ of it). I bought one of those DP sets but it wasn’t a great success. For as long as I’ve known him, he has never really seemed to have any sexual aspirations beyond all things vanilla with one partner at a time. Yes I will continue to explore stuff solo, it just saddens me and leaves me feeling guilty, that I am having to admit that I don’t feel the same way. Might try the questionnaires though, he loves paperwork! All joking aside, that is a great idea, he may well find that easier to deal with than what looks like bafflement turning into annoyance on his face whenever I talk about trying any new kink. Thanks guys, you are all worth your weight in gold (gold in credit form, only valid at LH, cannot be used with any other coded offers, etc).

Oh Ian, I must say I think Mrs Chimp is a very lucky lady because you do seem so very well motivated to ensuring that her needs are being met. And I’m sure lots of folk are perfectly happy with their sex lives without doing any kink, if both of you are largely on the same page with likes and dislikes. I just don’t get the impression that my husband is as keen as you are with Mrs Chimp to find out what makes me orgasm, I tell him all about LH, I just don’t sense any genuine enthusiasm to help, I suppose because I haven’t really asked for a more personally satisfying sex life until this year. I do enjoy what we do, just never as much as him.

Getting a template online of a FSOG type contract is quite simple, lots of people have tried this method and it also allows you both to step away from being face to face and be honest with yourself. If he gets jealous of toys then that’s quite common and a lot of men do get this feeling due to insecurities. Maybe play up a bit more to build his confidence, just saying how “big” and “manly” he is, this will make any man feel like king of the world. Swinging is a very huge step and a lot of people will be worried about this, especially if they have any body confidence issues etc. Also as others have stated the forums here are from all walks of life and most aren’t having full on porn style sessions everynight. A lot of folks will be in standard relationships with a few toys and the occasional bondage session or role play dates so don’t feel like your left out or missing anything ☺️

Me and my wife very rarely spoke about what we would like and dislike. I no that a 3rd party will never happen and thats fine by me. Over the years we have introduced new things to do but only through trial and error! As an example, I was really horny one night as she had just got out the bath and for the 1st time ever i had started rimming on her. We had never spoke about it. If she had siad stop of couse i would have. Now its normal. Same with toys. I bought some to see what she likes. I have only ever bought them and its almost a surprise for her when i buy a new toy. So keep trying, dont give up. Have you tried using toys when he isnt in the room but you no he will come in? Then as someone else said, ask him for the real thing which is better? Or ask him if he likes it. Boost his morale?

Gosig wrote:

Oh Ian, I must say I think Mrs Chimp is a very lucky lady because you do seem so very well motivated to ensuring that her needs are being met. And I’m sure lots of folk are perfectly happy with their sex lives without doing any kink, if both of you are largely on the same page with likes and dislikes. I just don’t get the impression that my husband is as keen as you are with Mrs Chimp to find out what makes me orgasm, I tell him all about LH, I just don’t sense any genuine enthusiasm to help, I suppose because I haven’t really asked for a more personally satisfying sex life until this year. I do enjoy what we do, just never as much as him.

Don't put me on a pedestal just yet, the Chimps have just as many bickering arguments about sex as the next dysfunctional couple. 🙂 I think if Mrs Chimp had suddenly started talking about threesomes not soon after I'd been consigned to bathroom wanking for a couple of years after our twins were born I'd be rather shell-shocked. 🙂 I'd be wondering if this was some kind of flash in the pan thing, and I'd be a bit worried we'd end up doing something we'd regret later. Given enough time to get used to the idea and if I saw that she was serious about it, maybe I'd soften to it? Initially though I think I'd still feel like it's something I wouldn't mind watching porn about, but not actually doing.

Ian Chimp wrote:

Just so you don't think everyone on here is having lots of crazy fun I thought I'd say that we don't go to swingers clubs, or have threesomes, or go dogging, or do hardcore bondage, or squirting, or pegging, or even indulge in any bum-play at all. 🙂 I still think we have a lot of fun though.

We are with you their ian chimp lol

I feel the same as Gosig even though LH has been great in buying i want to take it up a level,but she not interested. Even when i ask her what she would like to try.