Just need to vent really about myself and get it down in words, im 28 and a mum of two and am incredibly uncomfortable in bed I don't find myself attractive at all and am strictly lights off and fantasies kept to myself, usualy have a couple if drinks to relax. Ive had 3 relationships two with men 16yrs older and one abusive (domestic vil) and one 2yr friend with benefits whose now my best friend, I just can't relax, can't let go, make a sound etc etc which is upsetting as have a v dirty open mind but only in my head lol, my fb never said anything critical but would encourage me to relax, share fantasies etc but because he was v fit, lovely body etc I just couldn't and felt so inadequate, my first ever and most recent relationships have been bdsm as I find if I have no control blindfold etc I can switch off and go with anything bf wants but I still can't orgasm etc, im a size 16 @nd find other women of this size vbbeautuful just not myself and I know people say portray confidence etc but I just don't seem able to, I am now single and am dreading starting a new relationship and having all the same lens, like I say I don't expect help as such as I appreciate its in my head but just need to vent getting a little tearful and cross with myself already please excuse any errors am on my phone and tiny screen /keyboard
Aww sweetie, if i could reach thru the screen and give you a hug i would!
Im a size 16 and i have no confidence outside of the bedroom! Im very comfortable with my partner within the bedroom but its taken a while! I really dont know what to say to make you feel better. Im here if you want to talk tho xxxx
Thankyou im really not sure what the answer is and even if I had the body of a supermodel id still probably struggle its just like a mental block and after 12 years ( that so long ) I can't see a way tto change it but Thankyou for your lovely reply and as much as I would not wissh the predicament on anyone its nice to know im not alone, everyone says oh your so confident lol no just a flipping good actress
Hello emziou, the confidence issue can be a real problem particularly if it's linked to low self-esteem.
We all have our demons. The question is who's in charge.
If you think you have a problem, you do, even if you really don't.
You've mentioned mental block. It's identifying what you want, need or would like to change as long as you're realistic (I'll never look like Brad Pitt).
Sex is a funny thing; there are many different elements to it but fundamentally it's either you, your partner or both of you achieving 'release'.
I'm curious as to whether you're able to focus on your partner's needs?
Are you able to 'work' on your partner, actively participate, or are you totally passive?
You also don't say whether you're able to achieve orgasm through masturbation.
Are you a bad person? If the answer to that is 'no', then concentrate on the positive. You may need some help in reprogramming yourself but it can be done.
Let me know if you fancy a chat.
if i could change one thing about the way i look, it would be the way i look, i simply cannot see what thankfully my husband does. i also have zero confidence in my body, too many curves, wobbly bits, not enough straight bits. but, i have a good friend who is a photographer, and she is going to be taking my nude pics soon....i will beat this, after 47 years the world will be mine, not my demons....
No problem on my own orgasm wise, strangely I love giving oral sex as means I can 100% satisfy him without exposing my own inadequacies, I hope im not a bad person, I certainly try not to be, like I say first partner was 32 I was 16 he dictated everything so I wonder whether excuse the cliche I've just never 'found myself', in life I skip along telling everyone what they want to hear the only time I didn't was with my fb as he just accepts me for me even now we are just friends, excuse the rambling just putting what's in my head althouugh not ver elequontly , all your replies are v much appreciated and I thank you for the thought put into them
No problem on my own orgasm wise, strangely I love giving oral sex as means I can 100% satisfy him without exposing my own inadequacies, I hope im not a bad person, I certainly try not to be, like I say first partner was 32 I was 16 he dictated everything so I wonder whether excuse the cliche I've just never 'found myself', in life I skip along telling everyone what they want to hear the only time I didn't was with my fb as he just accepts me for me even now we are just friends, excuse the rambling just putting what's in my head althouugh not ver elequontly , all your replies are v much appreciated and I thank you for the thought put into them
No problem on my own orgasm wise, strangely I love giving oral sex as means I can 100% satisfy him without exposing my own inadequacies, I hope im not a bad person, I certainly try not to be, like I say first partner was 32 I was 16 he dictated everything so I wonder whether excuse the cliche I've just never 'found myself', in life I skip along telling everyone what they want to hear the only time I didn't was with my fb as he just accepts me for me even now we are just friends, excuse the rambling just putting what's in my head althouugh not ver elequontly , all your replies are v much appreciated and I thank you for the thought put into them
No problem on my own orgasm wise, strangely I love giving oral sex as means I can 100% satisfy him without exposing my own inadequacies, I hope im not a bad person, I certainly try not to be, like I say first partner was 32 I was 16 he dictated everything so I wonder whether excuse the cliche I've just never 'found myself', in life I skip along telling everyone what they want to hear the only time I didn't was with my fb as he just accepts me for me even now we are just friends, excuse the rambling just putting what's in my head althouugh not ver elequontly , all your replies are v much appreciated and I thank you for the thought put into them
Apologies for mutiple posts blasted phone
From what you've said I think it is all about your confidence.
My question about being bad was rhetorical. Nothing that you've said makes me think you're a bad person.
You're a parent so you have the responsibility for others; caring for their needs, making important decisions.
Apply the same philosophy to yourself.
You need to be a little selfish and you also need to be honest, both with yourself and others, whether they like it or not.
it's possible to give your opinion without causing offense.
Try to be assertive, have an opinion whether it's fashion, TV or relationships.
Practice communication.
I find the anonymity of this place makes it easy to be honest.
How do you feel talking here? I
Easy, don't have to fear a bad response as its only words thus doesn't hurt so much, not that anyone on here has been unkind, as im sure you appreciate just don't want to begin a new relationship with same old problems or just acting happy etc as kind of tiring after a while
Only words? I've had some pretty shitty exchanges on the internet.
Ironic that the anonymity that allows me to talk freely enables others to engage in verbal warfare.
The good thing is that you have found your voice and you need to use it.
I suggest that avoiding the same old problem and having to act happy is possible.
Start practising honesty.
Don't rush into any relationships for the time being as you may find predictions of failure will self - fulfill.
The sex thing is part of the bigger problem with how you see yourself.
Concentrate on you instead of 'you and a.n.other'.
You know that you've allowed yourself to become someone that you're not happy with. What are you going to do about it, doormat?
Compared to physical pain in day to day life, the words hurt but on here/internet words can be miscontrued, a missing comma can change context entirely, but yes ppl can be v cruel in words too, I think avoiding much older men may help as my mate pointed out it makes it all to easy for me to relinquish control, not that big age gaps are wrong etc just perhaps wrong for me personally.
posted before id finished, I think well I know everyones different, I appreciate your taking the time to reply certainly thought provoking, although to some people stuff seems obvious sometimes just need someone to confirm it
I fully understand but hopefully this experience is positive so far.
Don't dismiss an older man; we've been there, got the T shirt although it's really about maturity. You need someone with who you can form a relationship, someone who will talk to you and who you feel able to talk to.
A grown-up.
Apparently im an old head on young shoulders.
I've have many demons and some have left scars on my body....
From the age of 10 I was told i was 'fat' and that has dented my image of myself. I've gone through relationships being completely submissive because i didnt believe i was good enough to have a boyfriend or to have a voice in a relationship -
This changed when I met my now fiance. A man who when I first started dating noticed I constantly apologised for everything. Who mended my broken self esteem and made me believe in myself.
I still have body hang ups infact I have hundreds but every female i speak to also have the same hang ups - like does my bum look big, do I have bingo wings, boobs too small, too big - I would also say many men have body hangs up aswell yet this is overlooked. The great thing about love honey is everyone accepts you for you and not some super model at a size 0 or size 30 woman. Only listen to positive people and take in positive energy!
Build your confidence gradually, little by little. Pick the parts of you, you love - everybody has something they love about themselves and build from there. As Hella pointed out - if your alone walk around naked :) This is a fave thing of mine. You soon become comfortable.
If you tell yourself 30 times a day that your too fat or not pretty enough then thats what becomes real to you - when infact it's the furthest thing from the truth!
xxx
Thankyou for your reply, yes I just want to break the destructive cycle im in for my own sanity more than anything
Your very welcome lovely,
Just believe that you are beautiful! It seems that many others do xxx