Warhammer is killing our relationship. Seriously, just WTF??

Off-Topic Chat
1

So my fiance plays Warhammer and has since he was younger. it's like a table top game where you build your own characters and paint them to make an army (just for anyone who doesn't know...).

I've tried it, its OK, but it isn't something i'm mad about. But he is!

i totally respect that this is his hobby and all, but i can't help but find myself feeling second best. i paint, but i at least don't just ignore my OH!

there have been a few days where he has gone to play with other people, and said he would be in for around two or three, and hasn't left until five or sometimes, even seven! SEVEN! or when we plan to go out and end up cancelling for Warhammer, or when he doesn't answer his phone for nine hours, or when you're trying to have a day in watching films an chilling out spending time together (because we never ever have time to ourselves. I thought that was meant to come AFTER marriage and children??) and he is on his phone looking through forums and what nots for YEP! you got it! Warhammer.

i've tried bringing this up with him and he just saus "well its my hobby". YES GOD DAMMIT! i know it's his hobby! we all have hobbies, but it's constant, all day every day, and all i want is one bloody day away from it!

I genuinely feel like it's straining our relationship. We used to be all over each other, and now i just feel blown off and deflated. I don't even know what to talk to him about any more. it's gotten to the point where i've been thinking about having a break because of it. it's gone too far!

so I'm wondering.. has anyone got any tips or advice? has anyone else had this problem and how did you deal with it? and does your OH have a hobby you can't stand?

2

Oh Dear , a tricky one.

Yes I am a self confessed wargamer ,miniature painter . Playing Warhammer Quest Silver Tower probably weekend after next but WITH the Mrs.

My advice is don't take away his hobby . Some guys myself included need a hobby. I can think of worse cases such as Football widows ,Golf Widows ,Fishing Widows to name but a few.Even going out regularly with mates at weekends could be worse for you. At least you know he's safe and not looking at other girls which can happen on lads nights out.

Why not try embracing his hobby and join in . You might just like it like my Mrs. I will be painting up a female hero for her. With a bit of imagination could always spice the games up a bit . We play plenty of games of all types whereby the loser does a forfeit. I have been butler in the buff for her as she has been my sexy maid for me.

If you think it is excessive then have a talk with him but be very very careful and tactful.

Incidently the painting side of the miniatures will be providing a supplement to our income of which both me and the Mrs will benefit in the form of holidays together.

Life is a bit of give and take with compromises to be made on both sides.

Good luck

3

I agree with mysteron that life is about give and take, but I've got to be honest I wouldn't be too happy with your current situation. I definitely think couples need to have their own interests, and time with their friends and hobbies. But cancelling plans, and not being fully present when you are together seems like his hobby is going a bit too far.

If I was you I would just be honest, be explicit in the fact you are happy for him to have his own things to do, but that you feel a but neglected and just really want some one on one time with no distractions.

Could you maybe set one evening a week aside for date night, where you both turn off your phones and just focus on each other?

I hope you get something figured out, because it really doesn't sound like the best of situations.

Good luck x

4

Warhammer is jokingly referred to as plastic crack, both due to the ridicolous price and it's addictivness.

If he's staying out too late for a game it's not totally unusual, some times things come up etc and it can take a long time, especially with newer players who haven't quite grasped the rules yet, but also quite importantly, you can easily feel like you've spent a few minutes playing when you've actually spent hours. Advice here would be to ensure he takes a mobile with him, that way he can call if he's going to be late or you can call/text him if he is.

Painting in silence isn't surprising to me, it takes a lot of skill to paint things that are so small and detailed, it's also incredibly time consuming and there are jokes that no one is ever truly finished painting an army.

I suppose the obvious route to dealing with this would be communicating with him, mainly I'd say try to remain calm and don't attack the hobby too much, with things like Warhammer people can easily become quite defensive. If someone is willing to invests hundreds or even thousands in some cases in to Warhammer, then you can garauntee they place a lot of value in it emotionally, so it's best to try and work around that rather than directly attacking it.

5

It seems to me you should declare war and take a hammer to his collection...!

6

Mysteron - I've tried joining in.. i play silver tower, a few games here and there, and wouldn't take away his hobby. The problem is, his hoby has taken him away.

I've tried the give and take side, and i'm really trying, but he is so stubborn! He won't even talk about it.

Lady S - we tried setting a day aside for dates, but he was too busy putting models together so we ended up cancelling (after i was already there...)

Raven - i totally understand that time goes by quickly, but saying he would be in at three (i made potato cakes. he likes potato cakes) and then leaving at seven annoyed me, especially when i messaged him and he didnt bother replying. I wouldn't say ive ever attacked him, after all, it's his cup of tea, but i've tried talking to him and he just gets defensive anyway.. I've tried telling him how i feel and he says "well i'm not justy going to not have hobbies", which irritates me, because at no point have i ever attacked him, slated his hobby, or asked him to give it up, ever..

I usually have to spend 9:30 until around 8:30 at uni (i'm a glass artist and ceramicist), then fridays are spent as a family day because our building shuts at 4:30, and he has loads of time between them to do as much as he likes without me there distracting him. i also work during holidays. All i asked for was sundays to go for a walk to the beach (20 minutes away) or the park (over the road) and i still don't get that. like i say, just one day.

I feel kinda bad for seeming to hate his hobby, because i dont. i have nothing bad to say about it! But spending all of my time watching him stare at plastic isn't fun at all. he's an absolute sweetheart, but sometimes it feels like he puts more time into his hobby than our relationship.

we were supposed to be viewing a wedding venue and he turned up late (with his case full of minatures) because he was playing at the shop, which he didnt tell me. like seriously? he barely helps with wedding planning because of putting models together to begin with, but that just took the biscuit...

7

HappyHippy wrote:

Mysteron - I've tried joining in.. i play silver tower, a few games here and there, and wouldn't take away his hobby. The problem is, his hoby has taken him away.

I've tried the give and take side, and i'm really trying, but he is so stubborn! He won't even talk about it.

Lady S - we tried setting a day aside for dates, but he was too busy putting models together so we ended up cancelling (after i was already there...)

Raven - i totally understand that time goes by quickly, but saying he would be in at three (i made potato cakes. he likes potato cakes) and then leaving at seven annoyed me, especially when i messaged him and he didnt bother replying. I wouldn't say ive ever attacked him, after all, it's his cup of tea, but i've tried talking to him and he just gets defensive anyway.. I've tried telling him how i feel and he says "well i'm not justy going to not have hobbies", which irritates me, because at no point have i ever attacked him, slated his hobby, or asked him to give it up, ever..

I usually have to spend 9:30 until around 8:30 at uni (i'm a glass artist and ceramicist), then fridays are spent as a family day because our building shuts at 4:30, and he has loads of time between them to do as much as he likes without me there distracting him. i also work during holidays. All i asked for was sundays to go for a walk to the beach (20 minutes away) or the park (over the road) and i still don't get that. like i say, just one day.

I feel kinda bad for seeming to hate his hobby, because i dont. i have nothing bad to say about it! But spending all of my time watching him stare at plastic isn't fun at all. he's an absolute sweetheart, but sometimes it feels like he puts more time into his hobby than our relationship.

we were supposed to be viewing a wedding venue and he turned up late (with his case full of minatures) because he was playing at the shop, which he didnt tell me. like seriously? he barely helps with wedding planning because of putting models together to begin with, but that just took the biscuit...

Well with what you are saying there he is taking it to extreme and excess. You havn't mentioned if he is a GW staff member or not ? Playing at the shop normally indicates being staff as the only games night at my local GW store is Thursday nights. Or is it an independenat shop that has a wargaming club adjoined like my local wargaming store ?

But yes you both need to talk and tell him how you feel about things .Then hopefully he will compromise .

I am on your side here as well by the way but don't want you to litterally steam in with a hammer and ruin it for both of you. Gently and tactfully is the way to go .

8

I had the exact same problem with my ex husband. He became obsessed with an online game. He would go to work, come home and switch on the computer. He would ignore our son and myself constantly.

I tried to point it out. Compromise with designating one day a week where the game wasn't played, we would have family time instead. He would stay up until 2-3am playing. Then leave for work at 7.30am. It was awful.

He never spent time with us. I tried being tactful and saying I respected he loved it. I tried to join in, but it really was shite, i never told him that. Then I tried fighting.

Then I gave up. I let him get on with it. Eventually when he'd been away for work for the week and never called to see how we were, I pointed it out. He realised how awful it had become but it was too late. I'd gotten used to not caring anymore.

I left him.

It was the best thing. I met an amazing man a few months later and I've never been so happy. I adore him and he adores me. He has a hobby, and believe me it's wonderful. I don't have the same hobby but once he's spent a couple of hours doing what he loves, he comes and spends time with all of us. Or we're included from the start.

I really hope you can reach a compromise. Having a hobby is excellent, it's fun, it's rewarding. You should be able to have separate interests but if it's not a hobby...if it's an obsession that's different.

I really hope it works out for you and i wish I had some useful advice.

x

9

I'm not suggesting that leaving is the solution. I'm just letting you know I've been through similar. I know how bad you can make yourself feel about it too. I felt so ridiculous for having a game be more important than our family.

🤔😔

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Yummymummy :-* wrote:

I'm not suggesting that leaving is the solution. I'm just letting you know I've been through similar. I know how bad you can make yourself feel about it too. I felt so ridiculous for having a game be more important than our family.

🤔😔

Thats because guys are wired differently. We need our boys toys . Women are far more caring and maternal when it comes to families and grow up quicker .Some guys do get obsessed with their hobbies though and that is when it becomes unhealthy. Some like me will be turning it into a business.

Although I appreciate many of yo ladiesu on here do like your toys but of the other sorts !

11

Mysteron - no, he isnt a staff member.. still at a shop though. he was actually talking about moving us down to Nottingham because they had a mold making job there (we live up north).

Yummymummy - im so sorry that you had that experience! thankfully you met an amazing man! i do worry it's becoming an obsession.. maybe i'll talk to him about it from that angle?

Like i say, i don't want him to seem like a bad person. i adore him and he treats me well! I just can't handle his hobby being the centre of our world, especially right now when planning is getting serious.

12

HappyHippy wrote:

Mysteron - no, he isnt a staff member.. still at a shop though. he was actually talking about moving us down to Nottingham because they had a mold making job there (we live up north).

Yummymummy - im so sorry that you had that experience! thankfully you met an amazing man! i do worry it's becoming an obsession.. maybe i'll talk to him about it from that angle?

Like i say, i don't want him to seem like a bad person. i adore him and he treats me well! I just can't handle his hobby being the centre of our world, especially right now when planning is getting serious.

Hmm Don,t move to Nottingham. It's the wargaming capital of the world. You will never see him if you moved there . If he,s under any illusion about making a career with G W ,then be warned .It will be a very short career as they don,t employ people with grey hair.

13

mysteron wrote:

Yummymummy :-* wrote:

I'm not suggesting that leaving is the solution. I'm just letting you know I've been through similar. I know how bad you can make yourself feel about it too. I felt so ridiculous for having a game be more important than our family.

🤔😔

Thats because guys are wired differently. We need our boys toys . Women are far more caring and maternal when it comes to families and grow up quicker .Some guys do get obsessed with their hobbies though and that is when it becomes unhealthy. Some like me will be turning it into a business.

Although I appreciate many of yo ladiesu on here do like your toys but of the other sorts !

I think I'm going to have to disagree politely with you there. Woman aren't naturally more 'caring' or 'maternal' than men. We're just raised to think we have to take charge of a household while men are taught they need to provide. I know plenty of women who have either zero interest in having children or who don't actively 'nest' after having them but rather work while dad stays at home and cares for them. It's not quite fair to gender stereotype in that way. Some women are more maternal, some are not. Likewise with men.

Also, I know plenty of female gamers and geeks who have the same 'obsession' with games like this. True, it's largely dominated by men but that's partly because it's marketed to them and women aren't exactly welcomed with open arms into the inner sanctum. I'm a big Witcher player but I can't tell you the number of times I've been ridiculed, put down, or threatened by men who also enjoy this game.

This is about self control and respect for your partner. I'm sorry this is happening to you HappyHippy (great name btw). If it's gotten this far, you obviously respect his right to have his own life but at the moment, he doesn't seem to respect you and your right to basic relationship stuff. I had a partner who had this obsession with football. Honestly, he'd watch games from all around the world, 24/7 and not have enough energy for anything else. A lot of people said the whole 'boys will be boys' thing and that you can't take men away from their passions but eventually I had enough and simply gave him an ultimatum. He could give me 2 days a week, whatever days he wanted, and I wouldn't dump him. Simple and effective. We only broke up because he moved country. This might not work for you but it is something you have to keep in mind. You have as much right to be happy as he does.

14

I would have to say his war hammer is like another person in your relationship. You have every right to feel how you do and I would be the same. I would be saying to him that he wouldn't even notice if you found another man and that it could be reality if he doesn't give you any time or attention.
I would ask him to put himself in your position and see how he would feel.
It is perfectly normal to have seperate interests but it should never be at the cost of your relationship. Show him these responses, it might just hit home.

Good luck and I do hope it manages to get resolved

15

Be happy it wasnt World Of Warcraft then you can kiss your lovelife goodbye for the next 10-15 years for sure!!!

/Pro-Gamer World of Warcraft

16

I don't think its fair that people say you can't take away a man and his hobbies. Well, obviously not but there needs to be a balance too. Women have their hobbies too but we are expected to put effort into our relationships and unfortunately, sometimes expected to give up our hobbies altogether. I just don't think there's that kind of expectation put on men. One example I can give is my mum, who used to paint and draw before she was married and had me and now barely paints at all. And it's not down to being 'naturally more maternal', as she often tells me she regrets giving it up. Now, I believe no one should have to give up their hobbies, but like I said there needs to be a balance.

I'm just going to say you obviously can't take your fiance's from him. But you have tried over and over to get to him to manage his hobby time better with many different methods but none of them seem to be working. Like a lot of people on this thread have said, breaking up with him is an option you, sadly, may have to consider. And this is coming from someone who has typically nerdy hobbies.

17

It appears to me that he is putting his addiction before you. Sadly, this is often the case, and like most addictions, any change you negotiate will likely be temporary.

I am afraid to say that, in my opinion, as you will always be the third thing in the relationship, this is only going to end one way. Plus, remember, you can't find the right relationship if you are in the wrong one. Good luck

18

Oh dear! Sending you big loves your way.

As much as I agree with some of the comments, im mych more inclined to agree with those comments saying this has become an obsession and addiction. We all need a hobby, it's healthy. I have a few, my oh enjoys football. We enjoy travel together (if that counts as a hobby)

But this is extreme. He clearly respects the game more than you and family and that is not a healthy position at all. Is there a way you could take a break and a step back and see what he does? Would get chase after you so to speak? Unfortunately getting him able to admit it's an addiction first will be the real problem and you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

Keep us posted dear. You always have to do right by you, and if this isn't right, go with your gut. X

19

The Collector wrote:

Be happy it wasnt World Of Warcraft then you can kiss your lovelife goodbye for the next 10-15 years for sure!!!

/Pro-Gamer World of Warcraft

I've played WOW for 10 years....when I first started for at least the first three years I was totally addicted...I had a baby and I think postnatal depression had something to do with it as well, the baby still got my full attention before anyone says anything, but when my baby was sleeping or someone was over and playing with him I was on WOW...my partner got no attention.. he did everything cause all I did was play or be with the baby..now my addiction slowly went by itself..I had another baby..my partner left when I was pregnant with the second before his sons first birthday on Valentine's day actually..I just played less and less but I still play but I can leave it for weeks and days now,..

This will only end one or two ways...he will play less naturally or you will get fed up and leave..which I wouldn't blame you, not nice being alone in a relationship...take care huni and I hope he plays less and you get your man back xxx

20

Something he could do to improve things between you but it is only a small thing. I prssume when he builds and paints his figures then he retreats into another room leaving you on your own.

As an idea he could set up a small hobby table ( those little folding tables you can buy are ideal ) and lamp adjacent to the settee . We have this set up , so I can be building some T72 tanks ( hers by the way) whilst she is watching Emmerdale and then Coronation Street .

Then when I watch football she is either doing her crossstitch or playing "Fall Out" game on my Tab.

The key thing is here that we are together and talking to each other and sometimes she will sneak up behind me and give me a kiss on the neck etc. The downside is that we can have a bit of a messy room but can be tidied up in about 15 minutes before visitors come.

If you can tolerate that, then that might work for yourselves as well.

My main concern here is that he is obessed about his hobby which I mentioned before is unhealthy . I could understand it if he was a Staff member and that is one reason I asked the question. But if he's playing at other times other than the dedicated games night then he must be playing with beginners or young kids new into the hooby , as "vets" tend to play at clubs ( like ours) or at each others houses on proper gaming boards.

So yes you really need to have a chat and to curb some of this excess like cutting down on his visits to the store but keeping the games night .

The only other thing I havn't ask and daren't before, is does he participate in tournaments usually official at GW HQ in Nottingham ? If he is is a serious tourament player then time would be needed to play as many games before a tournament and this is where it can take over ones life if not too careful .In the past I have known quite a few tournament players , some at ourt club and all they play is game after game . The difference is that most of these guys tend to be single as you can't have your cake and halfpenny as the saying goes and niether can your OH . So a compromise is needed , otherwise all I can see is an unhappy ending here .

Good luck and I sincerely hope you can get this sorted.