When your partner cant keep an erection

Following a couple of threads on here about erection problems , I thought I’d ask the question about how it affects the partner .
I have trouble staying hard , and I worry that my wife may think that she doesn’t turn me on anymore , which in turn makes me more anxious, and leads to me going soft even more , and the cycle carries on .
I’m just wondering how partners react, what do you think ?

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Not sure if this helps, but if you can get an erection, the use of cock rings can help maintain it.

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I have read quite a bit on this subject, not because I have a similar issue but just to understand.

What I have learnt is the main reason is due to worry and that is all, obviously there are other issues but worrying is the main issue.

This being one example, your partner loves you for who you are get it into your mind that she does.

Yes it will, it will go and on and on, until you stop worrying.

Not easy I accept that. Here’s the thing, some one loves you for a reason, looks, personality, persona end off. They are not thinking about your sexually capability in the first instance.

She is you wife for a reason. The mind is a powerful thing and can be a powerful twat as well. Just when you think it is all going well, limp alert.

Any issues outside of your relationship will have an effect, over working, money, traffic to and from work, long hours ect. They all add up and have an effect.

How do you resolve it then? Short breaks, role playing in a different environment from home, long walks along a beach or forest as if you were starting to date again for the first time. Fall in love again.

There is another aspect, but that depends on your age range, Men do as they get older sometimes lose the ability to maintain an erection. In which if this is the case, you speak to your GP. He/She has heard it all before, they can/should be able to recommend different ways of progressing forward.

Having read your post though, I would hazzard a guess that your main issue resolves worrying, worrying that you are letting your partner down by not maintaining an erection, thus causing you to lose that erection. Many Men have had the same issue, it is resolvable.

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One thing you can try is arranging a session with your wife where it’s all about her.
Ask her what she wants. My wife loves a long bath together, candles and a long massage from head to toe with oil.
I find the best way to remove stress I’m having internally is to get off myself and do some service for another person. I’m pretty sure your wife will be happy.
Once she’s all warmed up, try giving her a pussy massage. Layla Martin on her website has videos and audio files of guided pussy massages (and other things) that go on for ages.
If you have time, just live in the tease for a while. It’s fun!
If your wife is happy, get her to get involved with fingers or toys and lube.
Concentrate on her, and if she has a great time, I bet your little fella will be only too happy to stand up and be counted!
Another thing you can try, is add into your dates a rule that you are not allowed to have an orgasm - only her!
That has me throbbing almost more than I can handle.
Like @DanceswithPenguins said, worry is a stiffy killer and it’s easy to say ‘stop worrying’ and difficult to do. That’s why I recommend focusing your mind elsewhere - making sure your partner has an amazing time!!!
Hope you have fun experimenting!
Good advice above too :pray: :grinning:

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How do you introduce cock rings or anything, when he feels there isnt a problem? Makes excuses time and time again.
As a woman, I feel like Im failing or not doing enough. Yet, Im also the one losing out. Im not getting off. He doesnt make sure that at least Im pleasured.

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I’d just say I’m enjoying it as much as ever but my penis isn’t staying as hard as it once did and can we do things other than PIV? I’m not at all keen on doctors and medicines, they’re not as good as they make out.

@irshcrm I’d try to present the idea as being about fun such as him getting more pleasure from a harder erection or you wanting it to be like that so you can do stuff to it. :kiss:

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That’s a very brutal , yet honest answer . One thing I respect is honesty . Thank you for commenting​:+1:

Hmmm - maybe try and have a conversation outside of the bedroom about this.
Ask him what he really wants in the bedroom; does he have fantasies? would he like to try anything new? what turns him on the most?
Make it an opportunity for you both to share on the subject; let him know what you want too. Let him know that maybe you would like him to use some toys with you so that you can have more pleasure, and more orgasms.
Have you tried masturbating with him? It’s a huge turn on for most guys, and you can show him what really froths your coffee.
Vibrating cock rings are fun for both parties, so you could bring that into the conversation.
If you guys love each other, there should be a way to find a path to you both getting what you want.
There may be bigger issues and you might need to see a therapist.
My wife and I did just that, and it worked out really well for us.
At the end of the day, this is supposed to be fun stuff but sometimes you need to do a bit of work together to get to that place.
Good luck on your journey :pray:

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I’d do as Serpentwand says, introduce a vibrating one, as a way of upping the fun for both of you rather than say it’s to maintain his erection.

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A really interesting post and one I also suffer with in fact I cannot get an erection never mind keeping one. This has meant penetrative sex to be impossible as putting it crudely I cannot get it in. Doctor won’t prescribe anything due to other health issues. Looked into alternatives suggested recently regarding gels but not licensed in UK.

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My husband was suffering from a generalised anxiety disorder, but hadn’t told me - so when we had issues in the bedroom, I chalked it up to him not being interested or that he didn’t find me attractive and it caused a lot of friction/anger/embarrassment.

Eventually, when he told me what was going on, I felt ashamed that I had reacted the way that I did, but also upset that he hadn’t just been honest with me in the first place. But once we had a conversation and he opened up about it - I was able to help him work through it. We did use Viagra at one point (his suggestion) and it helped initially; but now we just communicate with each other and it helps ensure that I understand his mindset. We also discovered the medication he was on also affected libido, so after a consult with the doctor, he was put on something different and since then, it’s been much better.

I think the key thing to take away is communication. There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It’s not an easy conversation to have, but once you do, things will become better. I hope. I wish you well!

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As with most comments , communication is key but don’t be afraid of mentioning it.
Most men would do anything for their partners and I know if my wife was feeling she couldn’t ask me a sexual question, I would feel really bad about it.
If I am not hitting the right spots, I hope she can trust me enough to tell me.
I thought I was losing some strength in my penis so I was lucky enough to get selected for a penis pump and cock rings to try. Both helped me and once I got them, the talking started about what I can do to help the situation in the bedroom.
If this is still not enough, my wife has a selection of toys to use on herself and I give her this space in the shower to use these.

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Yeah I know exactly what you mean dude and luckily I’ve been in situations where I’ve not cared so much about going soft as I know it’s down to my meds and I explain it to others that it’s just how it is sometimes. Personally I used to worry a little about it mainly as to what the other would think or react with but now I tend not to and just play around it.

Have you had an open talk with your wife about this and how you worry about it in what she might think?

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I tried talking to him outside the bedroom, of course. We’ve only been active for a few months. When it first happened, he gave every excuse. Now there’s no excuses. He just kind of laughs about it. Its now a matter of fact. My problem is one he’s not even trying to go a second time like he did in the beginning. Two - hes not even attempting to fulfill my needs, no oral, no cudding. Hes erect when Im around. Hes erect when we’re making out and foreplay, but when it comes to sex, he comes so fast I get nothing. This has been our whole sex life so far. Up until now Ive tried to be understanding. I dress up for him. Ive tried handjob, blowjobs, etc. But recently with lacking in the cuddling and that, Im getting more frustrated and taking it personally. One time has he tried oral on me. But even the blowjobs and handjobs he still comes sooo fast.

I was hoping for some kind of advice. Hes a good guy. Id hate to end everything I have invested. But then I dont want to be with a selfish person when Im doing all that I can on my end.

Was hoping for guy advice because my girlfriends are like dump him!

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Hey @irshcrm
I’m a guy. I’ll be honest, you don’t paint a very good picture of this dude and I’m not surprised by your girlfriends reactions - it’s a struggle to not instantly agree with them based on the story you have shared.
If this guy is worth keeping, he will be willing to invest some effort into your happiness and pleasure.
I will happily agree to a date with my wife where she gets massages, sensation play and whatever she wants to have pleasure for as long as possible - and as many orgasms as she wants - without me being allowed to come!
You can take it in turns.
We saw a therapist over difficulties communicating about sexual needs and it made our lives a whole lot better. It’s not perfect (but sometimes it is)
I listen to a load of podcasts by sex positive women, look at websites, watch shows with my wife (there’s a few on TV) and we agreed that our sex life and happiness is a priority.
If you feel comfortable, ask him if he’s willing to do any of the above?
If things aren’t working out, ultimately you will have to talk to him because nothing changes if you don’t try and make a change. You just need to work out what the right things to talk about are.
I think you need to ask him some questions about if he thinks it’s working and if he’s willing to try some new things.
That’s just my opinion - but it’s also the kind of thing you will hear from different sex educators and therapists. I just know that from our own journey.
I hope this guy comes through for you and that you two find a way to make each other happy.
:pray:

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We are all different, but from my perspective, when i was younger and trigger happy, when i felt i was going to cum too soon, i’d stop and move on to giving oral ( I often cum from doing just that, so had to be careful) and made sure i satisfied her before i let myself cum.

He may be selfish, or may not like giving oral, but if you are being constantly disappointed and unsatisfied you really need an honest chat with him about what YOU need, and if he can’t or won’t see your point of view, you might need to take your friend’s advice because if not your relationship will be full of anger and resentment.
It certainly seems like you are the one making the effort and he’s just freewheeling.
Hope that helps, good luck.

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A soft cock intimately smooshed against a clit will probably please many women more than penetration :sweat_smile:

Toys well deployed can do more work than a cock.

It’s all about connection and communication. imo no erection is required to fuck.

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We had a similar situation. Im lucky in the fact that he always made sure i was satisfied but i was getting a bit self conscious that he didnt fancy me anymore.
Anyway… a couple of conversations OUTSIDE of the bedroom and we agreed that the doctor was the next stop. A blood test showed that he was simply lacking in vitamin D. He takes a vit D tablet daily and i also think by finding out the issue, the anxiety of the situation disappeared as we knew what the cause was.
All is good now. I suppose ive shared this purely to promote the fact that communication is key but also that you will probably find that its something really simply fixed.

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I think @Kh1985 is right communication is key but he must accept that it is very important to satisfy you as well. He needs to be spending far more time dealing with your needs first. Tell him exactly what you like etc and what turns you on, if he is not happy to deliver and you both cannot come up with a solution then I agree with your girlfriends unfortunately

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Yes, tell him he can have what he likes after you’ve had an orgasm. :smiling_face:

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