My wife openly asked me if I masturbate when I’m away to which I answers honestly yes I do. She totally flipped her lid and was disgusted of the fact and thought of it. We don’t have much sex and it was my way of releasing tension in a faithful way. I know she doesn’t do it and probably never has to my knowledge but is it honestly such a bad thing and is she right to be disgusted with me? She doesn’t have a high sex drive like I do in fact it’s almost 0. Am I right to continue or stop and respect her opinion?
Keep doing it. Its natural and if it's not hurting anyone why stop, it's her hang up and I'll bet my last pound she has done it, maybe not regularly but for sure in the past. The only reason masturbating is a problem is if you both want sex and your masturbating instead. Then you have problems you need to talk about. Maybe try and get her drive up, sounds like your away alot but when your back, make a fuss of her, cook. Bring flowers, kiss here neck, kiss her neck kiss her neck and always make sure you both come away done :) gl
Was she raised in a household that was religious or viewed masturbating as wrong or dirty? There are plenty of people that grow up thinking masturbation is a bad thing and it’s hard to get out of that mindset. That could contribute to why she hasn’t done it herself, got upset and has lack of sex drive/lack of sex with you.
Hell no, keep at it. If she has no sex drive to speak of, is it not possible that she flipped because you answering honestly confirmed something in her head: that you have needs that she, in the traditional sense of wife, feels she should be meeting? As others have said, her reaction reflects more on her hang-ups than on anything you are doing. When I completely lost interest in sex (and my husband in general, if I’m honest) I was aware he would sneak off to the bathroom at night for a wank. I didn’t want to have sex with him at the time this was happening, but even still it just made me feel more mad at him, even though rationally I know this was a wholly unfair attitude on my part. You have done nothing wrong, you are doing what you need to not to go completely bonkers with sexual frustration, as did my husband.
As others have said there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing. I'm in the same boat, my wife has no interest in sex so I end up masturbating a lot. It's possible your wife's reaction wasn't exactly so.ed at you, but generated by her own frustrations. She could easily be frustrated at her own low sex drive and have no idea why she isn't interested in sex.
I think you need to speak to her. Give her a few days to get over the her initial reaction and gently bring up the conversation again. There are many reasons she could be against it, for example, she may assume you watch porn or think about other people while masturbating and she could see that as almost cheating or that she isn’t good enough, she might have had a bad experience in the past like walking in on someone, her being walked in on, having some expose themselves and masturbate to her, a relationship ending because of it (not necessarily a relationship she was in), it could be connected to how she views sex generally (her low sex drive could simply be that she doesn’t think sex is an important part of a relationship or life) it could be, as NatandTom said, it could be the way she was raised, or something else entirely.
In terms of continuing to masturbate, that’s up to you. On the one hand, if it helps you cope with having mismatched sex drives then you should continue, but on the other hand, it could cause problems in your marriage. By talking to her, she can tell you why she is against it, you can explain why you do it and maybe you can reach an agreement or at least an understanding
Autocorrect and fat fingers are a pain in the ass. It should say "wasn't exactly aimed at you". No idea where so.ed came from.
Trine I’ve done all of the things you have suggested for many yrs nothing seems to get her in the mood and when she does allow something to happen she just wants straight sex no foreplay doesn’t touch or caress at all I can be kissing and caressing her all over and she does nothing. I had a go at her the other night as I was kissing and caressing her all over she was squirming about and asked me to stop before she came, which I did I said you never laid one bloody finger on me while I was doing that and she had the so attitude. It’s been going on a while now and I had had enough suffice to say it ended there now we hardly speak I sleep on the sofa as I don’t want to share a bed with her she sees she has done nothing wrong
I feel as tho I’ve been patient and tried to bring her out of her shell but nothing seems to work
Kelly Michelle I think you may have hit the nail on the head she sees it as being unfaithful but also dirty
It seems to me that many women don't realise the kind of biological 'pressure' some of us hot blooded men are under, for me an orgasm is almost medicinal at times. As you have mentioned, this is a way to remain faithful to your wife, and personally I think you should be congratulated for this as many men might take the opportunity away from home to find one night stands with a 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her' kind of attitude.
So it sounds like there are deeper issues, or perhaps just a lack of understanding how men operate. Personally, I would sit her down one evening when things are quiet and stress free, put my hand onto hers and look into her eyes so she knows I am being genuine and serious, and just have a really open and honest discussion about it all. Talk about your biological needs and the difference between how you both feel, as she presumably feels quite opposite. Explain how you love her and are willing to 'sort the problem out' yourself which is why you have done it previously without thinking it was an issue. Perhaps even talk about the frequency of your love making, as again this would impact on how often you 'feel the urge' when away from her, but rather than being accusative, try to be loving and open in your approach. If she seems interested in more sex at home, perhaps discuss or think about how to make it more exciting for her, involve some toys with good reviews on LH to 'open her eyes' to new levels of fun, or perhaps some kind of roleplay or fantasy scenarios she finds sexy or at least is curious about.
It should all start with honesty and open discussion, try your best to not get upset or heated, and fall back on your love for one another. If she truly believes this to be 'extramarital' then at the very least she might start to think more about your activities in the marital bed once she understands your needs a little more?
There is nothing wrong with masturbation! BUT I know many people who find it unfaithful if porn or whatever is involved. It's a matter of opinion, sadly. But you should talk to her once she has calmed down. Find out why she thinks it's dirty.
Thank you all for your replies, I have tried toys mainly to see if they inject some spark into things vibrating cock rings a g spot vibrator scented candles massage oils everything even scratch cards and games nothing works. She just thinks she is inadequate, I don’t think she is at all I think it’s down to confidence and lack of effort can’t be bothered attitude
The how men operate yes she has thrown that one at me a few times as she is not here to satisfy my sexual needs I’ve tried to explain that I want to not because of a mans needs she didn’t buy that one
She thinks that once a month quickie is more than enough and totally normal
It sounds like this is a much deeper issue for both of you tha you suggested in your first post. I think you need to get some couple’s counselling where a professional can help you both work through your issues without it becoming an argument.
I personally use to be like this - I asked my husband and caught him a few times. My sex drive was low and he always had a higher drive. I felt jealous confused upset and that I wasn't enough. We talked and I realised he was doing it in a way to relieve tension not put pressure on me and without cheating. Yes I have never at this stage personally ever mastubated myself or understand much about terms involvement or how to pleasure myself As time has gone on we have opened up and I will become curious about my body and his body more and that experimenting can open new experiences for both of us. I know my hubby does still on his own but I don't think he does as often as before. I also feel we have a better relationship all round currently as I'm now able to help him and him me to know more about our bodies
It really sounds like you have tried lots of stuff and got frustrated because nothing worked - that's natural, but you shouldn't let it stop you from going further into this issue. If you find you can't sit down and talk about it easily, for whatever reason, then some couples counselling may be a very proactive way forward. Some people prefer to hear advice from 'experts' and a third person can always give you a good outside perspective so that you can both start to understand each other's way of thinking, in a pressure free environment. It sounds like there are far deeper issues at play here, but with patience you can always find the solution.
Just don't give up. Be honest and open with each other, even if it gets a little tense, but fall back on your love for each other. If you are not having much sex in your relationship and you are hot blooded and feel that need, by giving up masturbation it seems that something might eventually give, and it often leads to the break down of marriages eventually.
I have been in relationships with partners who had far lower sex drives than me, the only thing that worked for me in these scenarios is brutal honesty and discussion, so that you can work your way to the root of the problem and find a solution that suits you both.
Is this a new thing or has the relationship always "one sided"
Wasn’t always like this in the beginning but the past 8 yrs it has been and been getting worse month by month. Kind of feel like all is lost tbh I can’t continue like this