First Post here and looking for some advice as I’m currently having the worst sex life ever and can’t see how it can get any better.
I’m currently in a 4 year relationship and before this I had 2 other sexual partners who were short term. I am quite inexperienced.
Just now sex seems to be boring and lack any spark or passion or even a connection and has done for a while. It does feel more like a chore now. We had sex for the first time in 2 months last night due to it being so bad and it was as flat as ever. I don’t even want to have sex again.
I do t know what to do to change it. I don’t want to go down the toy route as have used toys before and did not change anything plus feel before toys can work, you need to have the basics correct.
We have spoke about it and he says he feels the same but we don’t know how to beat this.
What happens in your sex life that you really enjoy and gives that little bit of rush of excitement through you?
Hi there and welcome to the forum. Before things get much further, I just want to suggest that, if that is your real name, in order to protect your personal privacy you might want to change your username to something more anonymous. This forum is public: it can be seen by anyone
I’m sorry you feel this way. My advice would be to have a conversation about what turns you on but also try and build up intimacy between you both for example massages cuddles. Taking a bath or shower together. I hope your sex life can get back on track
I felt I didn’t really “enjoy” having sex until I started using toys. It allowed me to explore more of what I liked by myself in my own time. Now I kinda prefer them
I used to have a tiny vaginal tear for ages that made sex painful. My brain wired itself to sex = pain, so I would hardly ever want it. Thankfully, it healed after using toys. It took some patience to get it to go back to sex = pleasure.
My partner likes watching me use toys. I mainly use them by myself, but sometimes after I’ve came, I’ll send him something suggestive via phone and he comes running up the stairs
Have you tried talking about what you like and dislike specifically to each other? Do you have any certain interests that get you going? How about porn or erotic books? I’ve only really started looking at porn recently and it can give me a few ideas of what I’d like to try. We speak quite openly about it with one another and say what we like/don’t like about it (then we know what to try/not try with each other). Of course, you don’t have to watch it together.
Maybe wearing clothes or lingerie that make you feel sexy and confident? Things like that can help, too.
I notice that you said you’re both feeling like it’s gone off the boil. Sometimes a loss of interest in sex can be a symptom of something else in your life that’s causing you stress/worry (especially if that stress is being buried/not acknowledged).
Think about your life right now, the two of you. Is there anything happening or any underlying situation that you feel trapped by or can’t escape? Any new thing that’s come along to make life that bit more scary/insecure?
I mean (I’m not saying this is the cause, but…) to cite a typical example: we’re in the midst of a deadly pandemic that’s been going on for months and won’t be over till who knows when. People are getting stir-crazy, stuck indoors together, missing their friends and loved ones, scared of their jobs disappearing from under them, of not being able to pay the bills, of catching the virus, of maybe dying… and all the while, we’re doing our best to grin and bear it, bury the worry and soldier on. It has to manifest itself somehow, though, and well… you get the gist.
I recommend talking honestly and openly about what really turns you both on. There will be some things you are into that your partner won’t do, and vice versa, but there could be some surprising things you both really want to try but are too embarrassed to ask for
It’s important not to be critical or kink shame each other for anything that’s shared in this process. If you can be completely open, you will also need to feel able to trust each other with your vulnerabilities. Kind of a ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ thing.
There’s an app for this but the name’s escaped my memory. Maybe someone else can help?
My wife and I are into blindfolds and restraints.
Trust games, in a sense.
The restraints can be physical such as cuffs or ropes, or they can be mental constructs like rules and commands.
Submission & domination (D/S) can work completely differently for different people and can be as vanilla or kinky as you both like.
Some like to submit, others to dominate, and many like to switch roles between sessions, or even sometimes during.
The submissive partner gets to ‘let go’ and has the ultimate say in policing their boundaries (through safe words, etc). The dominant partner gets to lead the play, and take responsibility.
We’ve found D/S really fun now we have really explored each others’ desires, kinks, known turn-offs and boundaries. Crucially, consent is negotiated away from the sex itself, so it can be assumed by the dominant partner during play. This really gives an edge to sex because the submissive can be surprised, and the dominant knows they have permission!
Aww hunny a lot of us have gone through this at one time or another. I know I have.
So you’ve been together quite a while now. The honeymoon period has definitely disappeared, you’ll be in a routine and things have as you described it gone flat.
There could be so many factors as to why this has happened.
Illness/ medication - a lot of medication could affect our libido. Is there any medication you’ve been recently put on? Have a check on the side effects and potentially speak to your GP as they can help.
Stress/ anxiety - as previously advised we are going through the pandemic which can put so much stress on our relationships.
You say about not going down the toy route. I never used to like toys. I just thought they were vibrators / dildos that honestly didn’t feel anything like the real thing and were quite uncomfortable to be honest so thought what’s the point. Then I discovered the Clitoris toy lol. I’ve always liked to touch myself (not finger myself) WHEN I was on the mood but never knew there was specific toys out there… There is. And they are AMAZING
If you both love each other and want to be together. There’s always a way around things. You’ve just got stuck in a rut. It happens to the best of us.
Try and have a think. Is there a particular time this started? Or gradually got worse?
Not forgetting also that Lovehoney’s got great resources for couples: this forum, video guides, blogs, the sexual happiness podcast, as well as selling great books: Better Sex Guides .
And games: Sexy Fun & Games .
One of our favourite resources is the online shop though: It’s great to be able to look at it together in private and intimate moments, and giggle about some of the silly stuff that people get turned on by, and to get to know each other better while browsing lingerie or toys, or whatever floats our boats
It’s easy to feel embarrassed about speaking out about our own desires. It’s still a bit of a taboo subject for many. I promise you though, sex does improve as you get to know each other’s pleasures more, if you have at least some desires that are compatible.
Whatever path you take, I wish you both well.
P.s. When I say “silly stuff", I don’t mean to belittle or kink-shame anyone by ‘othering’. Sex is just funny sometimes, is all. It’s great to be able to laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
Sex outdoors or in the car at a remote location is always exciting with the fear of being caught. However it is good that you are talking and things will improve a planned weekend away with the anticipation and build up might work, throw in a bit of role play as well to spice it up.
Others have already made great suggestions - I don’t have much more to add apart from the stress the importance of fun and communication.
What worked for me after a lull was rediscovering clitoral stimulation - toys, finger (your own or your partners), oral - most women need a lot of clit stimulation. Also lingerie - treat yourself to something you like the look of from Lovehoney - if you treat yourself like the sexy woman you are, you may start to feel it too.
And it might be worth putting sex to one side for a while (agree a time scale together) and focussing on other ways of being intimate - massage, a bath or shower together, just stroking, a candle-lit meal - If nothing else you’ll both build up your foreplay and flirting skills, which may help.
You could try some good quality solo time, too - with or without toys - because knowing how to bring yourself to orgasm means you’ll be able to teach your partner (I’m assuming that this doesn’t always happen if sex is ‘boring’, but I may well be wrong).
Sorry to hear you’re going through this @staceyruddick202
Start with conversation. If you struggle to talk about sex face to face, try writing down feelings, what you like, what you want to do with your partner, get flirty and pop it into an envelope.
Have you tried things like Games they’re a great ice breaker.
Good luck x
Do you each know what you enjoy? Do you both masturbate (together or alone?)
If you know what you like, how you like to be touched, what gets you hot/horny and how you orgasm, then you can impart that knowledge onto your partner.
Have you tried taking your own pleasure off the table for a while, focussing solely on your partners pleasure (or vice versa).
When sitting down to watch TV at night, try being spontaneous, drop down and perform oral on him, or guide his hand (or head) towards you for oral, but leave it at that.
Quick gropes / strokes to get things started but leave each other wanting more?
So many ways you can spice things up without it being all serious.
Hi I would echo a lot of what has been previously posted.
The key is to talk , talk, talk in an open and honest way.
Recently had similar issues , after a conversation arranged a date night and played the Monogamy game and can honestly say it’s now like being on honeymoon again .
It’s so hard when things start to feel flat, I’m not sure I’m there sexually but in my relationship there are definitely things I’m feeling flat about, and they do sometimes filter into sex because it’s such an emotional thing as well as a physical one. Maybe try and rebuild some emotional intimacy with intimacy exercises, like looking into each others eyes for 5 minutes, stroking eachother non-sexually, massaging eachother… maybe rebuilding an emotional connection will help you rebuild a sexual one?
I hope you find your route into a more mountainous exciting sex life sweetheart x
Any couple in a long-term relationship is at risk of this. The trick is to not let it happen.
How was your sex life when you first got together? While I don’t think that those first heady days can ever be replicated, you can do a lot to spice things up. The suggestions you’ve had so far are great but I think the most important thing to remember is the emotional connection. ScarletRose’s suggestion is a good one.
I see so many couples break up by not doing things together. Having fun together builds the emotional connection - a bit difficult at the moment - but if you still love each other now is the time to remind each other of that before you drift apart further.
You are only limited by your imaginations. All the suggestions above are great. Use this site and forum for inspiration. Make time to do fun things together. It’s little things that help. Do you both share household chores, so that you maximise together time? On my days off i do any housework i can and vice versa for my OH. It means when we’re off together we can use the time for fun things, not just sex.
Avoid getting in a rut. Also make sex fun, it’s meant to be pleasurable not a contest.
I like to buy my OH things from here as little surprises, maybe you could do the same?
I have been with my nearly 40 years.
Before things get much further, I just want to suggest that, if that is your real name, in order to protect your personal privacy you might want to change your username to something more anonymous. This forum is public: it can be seen by anyone 
