Brief back story. Im 46, he is 39. We have both been married before but we have been together 9 years and are getting married in October. Relationship is great, very loving but we seem to have different sexual needs. I would say im more experimental in sex. I love the fore, foreplay, the build up. I love dressing up and playing with toys. Ive had 3 some experiences at a club so im very open…in fact the dirtier the better. My other half had sex during marriage to make babies, very vanilla.
If I dress up and suggest toys, send pics i can get him on the same wave lengh and he seems to have a good time. However, he is more than happy just to do the straight deed.
Ive had my confidence knocked so much im at the point id rather avoid than be disappointed at the situation. What can i do?
Communication, sit down and have a long discussion to discuss your needs / thoughts
Would agree with @Craig1234, you need to talk about it.
Don’t lose heart, but neither expect to go from nought to sixty, it will take time, but be firm on what you would like out of the relationship.
Definitely talk openly about your feelings and be patient in getting him to express his feelings. Write it down if it helps to open up different strands of conversation. Try to get a list of things you each like and things you would like to bring to your physical relationship.
Whilst you are doing this you should both reaffirm you emotions of love for each other and use your journey through the various sex adventures as a way of feeling closer.
I hope that what I’ve written makes sense and is of use to you in getting on the same page.
As everyone has said communication is the key, its not unusual for 2 sex drives to be at different stages. By communicating hopefully a compromise can be reached and decisions made as to how to deal with different needs/desires. I wish you all the best in sorting this out. I bet he loves you dressing up and playing with toys. You come over as a confident lady so let him know your needs. Good luck
@Twinkerbell1977
As others say talk to him - but ask him to be very open as my husband was the same and then one day we talked - he wanted to be dominated and wear lingerie and wanted oral sex over piv and as time went on he became very naughty and I love it
He may be set into sexual ways associated with his ex - tell him to shock you sexually and talk (alternatively dress as a dominatrix with black all over boobs on display with a whip in your hands - see what he does… I bet he will love it ) 
Not to bang an already beaten drum, but you need to talk to him. It could be that he has some fantasies that he doesn’t know how to bring up to you. Hopefully!
I know sex isn’t everything, but its a massive part of relationships and if this is knocking your confidence so that you don’t want to have sex, then it is going to creep into other aspects of the relationship, if its not already. How can someone be the love of your life when you’re feeling this way?
9 years is a long time to be unsatisfied. If it were me, I’d want there to be a lot of progress before I’d even consider getting married.
Thank you @batjamboree.
Thats just it he loves it when i go all out but i just want some hype and encouragement from him. I enjoy love making but i dont want that every time for the rest of my life.
I will keep trying x
@Twinkerbell1977
If you are already going all the way ask him straight-to do something for you- be blunt and possibly suggest things he could do (as a woman you know you may have to lead him)
It’s frustrating- I was there where you are years ago and would openly masterbate as there was nothing from him
Talk to him - find his kink (as his age he will have loads) - suggest some kinks - does he want to be spanked / dress in a sexy maid costume/ enjoy anal (pegging) and if he says not sure - take that as a yes …
I feel he is possible scared - men will always believe if they open their kinky mind it may be considered as gay - tell him it’s bedroom fun only
Finally - does he fail to get hard - if do it could be a doctor issue with low testosterone
Take care - we are here for you 
Yup, keep communicating your needs - especially outside the bedroom, so it’s not in a threatening space. It may feel unsexy to have to say what you want every time, but it may be what it takes to get there.
I’m thinking of in my own marriage; we are pretty evenly matched, though I have a slightly higher drive in general than my wife, but she has some more specific needs to get revving full steam (she likes some more explicit power play and dirty talk to get her headspace to 
). I’m working on it, and it takes practice, even though I want everything as much as her and am game to please, sometimes I need a little reminder. It’s a little bit topping from the bottom, but sometimes a little nudge of “a little dirty talk right now would really push me over the edge” even when she’s collared and cuffed to the bed with a dildo in her pussy and mouth and I’m fucking her ass - my drive is there, my desire to please is there, I know what she wants, and I still need a little reminding because 80% of our sex is vanilla bedtime sex (and at least I’m smart enough to know not to come to bed on Wednesday night after work and parenting and housechores and spank her and call her a dirty little slut without any prediscussion of it).
Anyway: all that to say it sounds like you have a willing partner and after 9 years together I hope you’re comfortable to have these conversations and help him to know what really revs your engine. And you never know what he might be holding below the surface if you can explore these ideas together in safe spaces.
My guess is that if he knows about your past experiences, there might be a bit of retroactive jealousy or discomfort that he feels when talking about sex with you. If he doesn’t know, perhaps he might have a guess anyways? The past can often get in the way of the present, and he might not be confident at all about intimacy.
You might consider some relationship counseling, but as others have said the key in whatever you do is to communicate. You might indicate to him that you have some confidence issues…it could be that you have some common ground there.
Just a little update 6 months on.
Something has changed, not entirely sure what or why.
We have just been going along as we were for about 5 months and then he went away for a few night’s. I usually take this opportunity to dress up and show him what he is missing but this time i took it s bit further. I used my dildo for anal pleasure and showed him with a video and pics. This is not something we have really explored before. The conversation via text got interesting and very honest…the communication started.
We have spoke about kinks and looked at how we can share the pleasure. He’s a definite no to being with another woman while im there but thats fine, its my fantasy and i respect that. I just need to ensure i keep the communication and momentum going. Im currently planning a 1950s pin up look with vintage stockings for a special evening.
Same. Ive been married for a dozen years and together a few on top. Ive always been more “up for it”! i cant recall many times that my wife has instigated anything out of the ordinary. Ive bought a lot of toys, games and clothes that do get used but only when i get them out - she will very rarely say “shall we open the toy drawer”.
I have often wondered if thats a comment on me? would she be different with someone else? but i do think we are built a bit different. plus we have 2 kids and a 23 year old that refuses to move out so our private time is limited to say the least!
I do fully empathise, I’m in a similar situation, albeit we’re younger than you both.
My only advice is to find his “yes” and “no”. He might not be as “dirty” as you but at least he likes some dirty, right? Enjoy what you both enjoy together - something is always better than nothing.
Masturbate - no shame in taking the edge off 
Consider Ethical Non-Monogamy - it’s not for everyone, I do realise, but there’s no shame in having that conversation. It’s not about replacing him, it’s about allowing someone else to fulfill the parts of you that he’s not interested in. As long as he is also free to explore, if he wants to, and you both play safe, there’s no harm in considering this option.
Those three combined have allowed us to find a happy and harmonious solution
Good luck