A bit of relationship advice please...

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi,

Basically things have got pretty desperate for me to post on here about this.

Typical situation, I have been with my bf for 2 years and there is a girl best friend.

She was not around before me, so none of this 'childhood' best friend thing.

We got on perfectly fine for the first year or so of mine and my bfs relationship as we were all part of the same group of friends, but as soon as she broke up with her boy she changed toward me:

No more friendly encounters in the loo, no more being girl pals on night out (we were the only two girls in the group) basically she became a bit of an 'out there girl', which is fair enough after a breakup, BUT.

She suddenly began having one to one meetings with my bf and was much more flirty than usual, I put it all down to paranoia at first and it wasn't until someone else pointed it out that I began to think of it.

I tried to ignore it but it became more and more infuriating, she delighted in interrupting us when we were talking or having a couply moment, she loved being touchy with him and watching me for a reaction, she excluded me from all group plans and had the boys under her thumb. She left me off my own boyfriend's birthday guest list among those for other events she organised.

There were dirty looks that my other girlfriends noticed, snide comments to make fun of sensitive topics, just general making me feel unwanted...so I have effectively left that group of friends, something that saddens me as I got on really well with all of them.

Now, I had got on with things with another group, ignoring her as best I could because at the end of the day, she is still one of his best friends.

A few weeks ago, I overheard her at a party saying some VERY petty things about me and it really upset me and my bf KNEW it upset me. I didn't WANT him to really do anything except accept the situation as a fight would solve nothing, but since then my own housemates have had to say things to this girl on nights out as THEY overhear her saying things and it is just going too far for my nerves!!

I have no idea what I am to expect him to do, nor what I should do to keep myself sane!!

Please help me!

D x

2

sounds to me she is trying to break you up and make her move on ur bf

i have always said people can not be best friends with other sex when in relationship always leads to more

have you spoke to ur bf and asked him whats going on or why she is like it now have you asked your former group of friends if they know what or why she is being like it

ALSO THESE 1-1 MEETS WHEN AND WHERE DID THEY TAKE PLACE ?

seems to me that either your bf is playing around with her or she is just a bunny boiler trying to ruin you two

you need to nip it in the bud asap or it will end in tears x

3

I would talk to your bf about how you feel. If he is reluctant to rectify the situation or becomes defensive then i would kick him into touch and find someone who deserves you!

If he knows how much its upsetting you and how you feel then you should take priority.

Hope it sorts itself out for you x

4

I trust him completely, there is nothing like that going on between them. I admit it used to just be a jealousy thing with me from her, but it seems she enjoyed this and fuelled it until now she is just being...a bitch,

It really hurts that he knows these things she is saying about me and feels he can do nothing about it, and I don’t think he can, he even has asked ME to be more nice to her.

For example the other night she had a spare ticket to a place we were going, I asked him to ask her for it because she would only say no to me, he replied it would be better if I asked and if I were ‘nice’ about it. This frustrates me as, no matter how much I want to, I have never been spiteful nor malicious to her face...EVER!!!

Any who she told me she had already promised the ticket to someone else...she hadn’t before I asked but then went straight to this person and asked them if they wanted the ticket, I know because this other girl was with me that night and, after we had had to trek away early so I could get in, asked why I had no taken the ticket if SHE had a spare?

I really don’t know what to do...I just want to stop her getting to me like this...I have bigger things to worry about than her petty high school politics!

5

You say that she wasnt in his circle of friends before you so your bf shouldnt have a problem putting a bit of distance between you as a couple, and her. Tell him how you feel, explain the things you have heard etc and see what he says.

I had a very similar situation to this, a long time ago. I was suspicious of her intentions and my partner then seemed reluctant to do anything about it, telling me i was stupid etc and still insisting on her being there regardless of my feelings.

Im sure you can guess the outcome.....put your foot down and nip it in the bud. Good luck x

6

It really hurts that he knows these things she is saying about me and feels he can do nothing about it, and I don’t think he can, he even has asked ME to be more nice to her.

im sorry but he can he can tell her to stop saying things and making ur life a misery and that if he loved you he would not carry on being a friend to her and totally push her to one side

i think you are being blinded by ur love for ur bf and not seeing the bigger picture here

there is something wrong if he says he cant do nothing about

i know it sounds harde but i have seen this before and theres more to this than you believe

7

Anyone said hurtful stuff about my oh and I knew about it there would be 2 actions depending on the sex of the person. If your guy is not willing to say anything he has either slept with her maybe once and she uses it as blackmail or he is sleeping with her still or maybe he doesn't like confrontation and you haven't got the lion you want who's gonna support you for the rest of the time you are together. I would say get shot of him and then you can be rid of her!

8

tottally agree stu

9

So what do I do?

10

So what do I do?

11

thats down to you really

as said confront him and give him an ultimatum

you or her and then see what he says or does

12

btw Thanks guys for all these supportful words

Half of me really wants him to be up in arms about it, but she thinks herself some 'Big name on campus' and very few people would speak against her even if they wanted to, and it would make his friendship group very on edge, even if he said something she would never be gone from the group forever....bros before hoes etc

13

well sounds to me that she thinks she can have who she wants when she wants regardless who it may hurt

you may be best out of it and find someone who wants you rather than the best of both worlds

14

I went through this exact same thing and it ended with my ex saying he was in love with both of us and me walking away because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Even if your b/f doesn't have feelings for her to start with he will develop them over a period of time.

I feel my mistake was that I didn't give an ultimatum. I thought telling him how much the time he spent with her hurt my feelings should be enough. But that is crux of it. If he respected you and your feelings you wouldn't have to give him an ultimatum but now you do. He hasn't taken the not so suble hints.

Maybe you could speak to some of your close joint friends, explain to them how you feel and see if they agree with you. You must find out if they will back you up if he goes to speak to them and tell them why. If so then give him and ultimatum about not spending time alone with her, and him challenging her about her treatment of you. Tell him that you weren't sure if you were just being paranoid so you have spoken to x, y and z, not to go behind his back but because you wanted to know that it wasn't just you being jealous.

The only thing left after that is to follow through on what you said was going to happen if he didn't listen to you. That is the hardest bit. Atthe end of the day if he really loves and and respects you then he won't continue to do something that is so hurtful to you, and actions speak louder than words.

15

Dalify wrote:

btw Thanks guys for all these supportful words

Half of me really wants him to be up in arms about it, but she thinks herself some 'Big name on campus' and very few people would speak against her even if they wanted to, and it would make his friendship group very on edge, even if he said something she would never be gone from the group forever....bros before hoes etc

Forget that, why would any group of friends want a manipulative bitch hanging around with them? if its bro's before hoe's then she is the hoe in this situation not you.

16

I am meeting with one of his other friends tomorrow in confidence. We are rather close and I intend to put the situation to her.

I just can't see her ever leaving the group, what she says goes and they don't seem to have a problem with it.

17

My best friend is male, and it all depends on your friendship and circumstances as to weather it can work as just friends or not. I'm happily married and have been for 13 years and very much in love with my husband.

My friend is older than me and a bit like the geeky big brother I never had and often go out just the two of us but have been out all together with my hubby and his girlfriend and we all got on great.

Very recently him and his girlfriend of nearly 2 years have broken up and it does leave the dynamics a bit awkward now as we used to go out as a foursome and it wouldn't feel right inviting him out to say to the theatre or comedy club with me and my hubby unless there were a group of us.

However me being happily married and very grounded helps even though he (my friend) can be quite flighty and unsettled. If I were in your situation, young and with no marriage or kids involved I would also feel nervous or a little threatened by the situation too,

I think you have to talk to him and be prepared to be honest and prepare yourself for him to be honest with you about their friendship. If you mean more to him than she does then he will give her a good talking to and put her straight.

18

I really really do want to be rid of her....I just have no idea how?!

She is that 'plastic fantastic' cliquey girl thaty no can really get near....