Recently, my partner told me that he watched porn; he normally doesn't watch it or is not into it. He lied upon some things before and I was really crushed by this.
So, why do men watch porn? Or, look at other women? I just don't understand, or maybe I'm too hurt to. He promised he wouldn't watch it again but I just feel like a really horrible girlfriend and it's really nagging on my self-confidence.
Is it my fault?
It's not just men that watch porn, LOADS of women do too. I watch porn all the time and did when I was in a relationship too.
Watching porn in a relationship isn't a bad thing, it doesn't mean he values you any less or finds you any less attractive. It there never a time when you get aroused when he isn't around?
If it makes you feel that uncomfortable you should talk to him calmly and say exactly why it upsets you and ask him what he thinks about it. Ask him what watching porn means for him and maybe when you both understand each other's point of view you can more easily come to a solution to the issue you are facing.
I think in this digital age we live in now, that most men and woman have probably at least seen porn at some time or another and lots of us have watched it a few times, some watch ir regularily.
The reason for men to watch porn is to get turned on yes, but mens brains work differently from womens in that men tend to lean more towards visual stimulation, where as women tend to prefer the fantasy and the feelings involved. I think this is why the stats are generally higher for males watching porn than females.
However, it does not mean he thinks less of you, or fancies you less. My guy used to watch porn before he moved in with me and to be honest, I would not be bothered at all if he watched it now, but he doesn't. I watch it much more often than him (Which is how I know he definitely doesn't, because he has no reason to lie to me, considering we are pretty open and I watch it myself)
Anyway, from what he said, men watch porn kinda like why we use vibrators...its an extra boost to them from to orgasm quicker. They don't always tend to fancy the women in porn, but are just watching porn to see the actual sex acts. They will often then imagine that they are doing what is on screen with their partner, or just simply get off on watching, without thinking about anything. As soon as they orgasm, the interest in what they are watching is completely lost and it gets turned off and totally forgotten about until next time they are horny.
Porn, for men, (and some women, like me and others who have commented already) is basically the equivilent of us females reading an erotic story or having a naughty fantasy. It has absolutely no bearing on you, or how much he loves and fancies you. None at all. It is just something to help them get to an orgasm, because often, they might be too lazy to fantasise or maybe they just want some new fresh ideas (That is one reason I watch porn)
I would only be worried if your partner was addicted (Which it doesn't sound like he is) and was choosing to masturbate to porn than to enjoy sex with you.
I guess you have to find the confidence the believe that your partner is with you because he chooses to be. You cannot force anyone to be with you and people will not stay with someone if they are unhappy so he clearly wants you. You have to trust him on that. (Unless he has given you reason not to)
As for men looking at other women....ahhh they all do that! :D Its only when they take it further than looking that is is a problem. As I said, men are visual creatures, their eyes tend to be caught easily by pretty shapes, but (most) guys are decent and they have self control and they won't hurt you because they care about you. Its just the bad eggs you need to watch out for! lol
How do you do it Fluffbags? You ALWAYS say the right thing and give the right advice. Superb :-)Fluffbags wrote:
I think in this digital age we live in now, that most men and woman have probably at least seen porn at some time or another and lots of us have watched it a few times, some watch ir regularily.
The reason for men to watch porn is to get turned on yes, but mens brains work differently from womens in that men tend to lean more towards visual stimulation, where as women tend to prefer the fantasy and the feelings involved. I think this is why the stats are generally higher for males watching porn than females.
However, it does not mean he thinks less of you, or fancies you less. My guy used to watch porn before he moved in with me and to be honest, I would not be bothered at all if he watched it now, but he doesn't. I watch it much more often than him (Which is how I know he definitely doesn't, because he has no reason to lie to me, considering we are pretty open and I watch it myself)
Anyway, from what he said, men watch porn kinda like why we use vibrators...its an extra boost to them from to orgasm quicker. They don't always tend to fancy the women in porn, but are just watching porn to see the actual sex acts. They will often then imagine that they are doing what is on screen with their partner, or just simply get off on watching, without thinking about anything. As soon as they orgasm, the interest in what they are watching is completely lost and it gets turned off and totally forgotten about until next time they are horny.
Porn, for men, (and some women, like me and others who have commented already) is basically the equivilent of us females ready an erotic story or having a naughty fantasy. It has absolutely no bearing on you, or how much he loves and fancies you. None at all. It is just something to help them get to an orgasm, because often, they might be too lazy to fantasise or maybe they just want some new fresh ideas (That is one reason I watch porn)
I would only be worried if your partner was addicted (Which it doesn't sound like he is) and was choosing to masturbate to porn than to enjoy sex with you.
I guess you have to find the confidence the believe that your partner is with you because he chooses to be. You cannot force anyone to be with you and people will not stay with someone if they are unhappy so he clearly wants you. You have to trust him on that. (Unless he has given you reason not to)
As for men looking at other women....ahhh they all do that! :D Its only when they take it further than looking that is is a problem. As I said, men are visual creatures, their eyes tend to be caught easily by pretty shapes, but (most) guys are decent and they have self control and they won't hurt you because they care about you. Its just the bad eggs you need to watch out for! lol
I pretty much agree with Fluffbags. We are visual creatures. We are genetically wired to notice women. It doesn't have anything to do with our partner. My wife is beautiful, I mean really hot, but if I see another woman I can't help but notice.
We think about sex a lot. It can be our strongest urge. We can't help it. Porn is an easy outlet. When we see sex, we can go from zero interest to fully aroused in two seconds. We're not necessarily looking at porn to see the woman, we're looking at the sex. I can't remember what the woman looks like because that's not what I'm looking at.
Your guy isn't looking at porn because he's losing interest in you. Or, because he's unhappy. He just wants to watch sex.
I would not over analyse your partner watching porn, in many occassions, the man will be fantasizing about their partner whilst watching porn, wishing them and their partner were the ones in the film. If you are not offended by adult movies, then perhaps arrange a film night, select a number of films and some wine and see how it works out.
IAEC7 wrote:
So, why do men watch porn? Or, look at other women? I just don't understand
The day we stop looking is the day we die.
But if you have a partner, surely they are enough to satisfy you?
That's not guaranteed by definition. Besides, it's not about getting satisfied/satiated — it's simple biology. I also think that this kind of encroachement on someone's personal sphere is unacceptable in any free association, and only those with doormat tendencies would allow themselves to be boxed in / violated thus. Overpossessiveness is just one of many ways to make the relationship increasingly toxic.
IAEC7 wrote:
But if you have a partner, surely they are enough to satisfy you?
I don't think men look at other women because they are unsatisfied. Even the most satisfied and happy men will still have a glance at a pretty person, or watch porn. I think even we do this, as women. It is hard wired into their brains to have a glance at an attractive person. To be honest, I sometimes don't even think they are aware they are doing it or even thinking about what they are doing.
I like to think of it this way....Clearly I AM enough to satisfy him, because he chooses to stay with me, despite all these other sexy ladies in the world, he wants me because he chooses to be here with me now and you know what, if it ever DID come to a point in time where he DID prefer another lady over me, then he would not be the man I would want to be with anymore anyway. So....yeh....does that make sense?
IAEC7 wrote:
But if you have a partner, surely they are enough to satisfy you?
I have to agree with Fluff on this also, just because you have a partner and look at other people doesn't mean you're not satisified.
I have a partner whom I love very much, yet I still look at both men and women. And my partner does also look at other women. We will also comment on other women together he will say Oh I find her really pretty, and I'll agree or disagree and the reasons behind it.
I've also watched porn and so has he it doesn't mean we're not satisfied with each other in the slightest. As Fluff said, my partner says with me, despite the fact there are other women out there who are far prettier than I and have made advances towards him, as I stay with him despite the fact other men and women have tried it on with me.
Yes I will look and he will look, but neither of us will never touch someone else. We have total trust in our relationship; and In my opinion that trust starts when you can be honest about looking at other people and/or watching porn. If I was with a guy or a girl who said they didn't look at someone else I wouldn't believe that. We have eyes, we can't help that we look at other people and find them attractive. The only time this would bother me is if my partner chose to watch porn and satify himself over having sex with me, or if we was both out together and his eyes paid more attention to the hot girl at the bar then they did me.
Don't some women use rabbits or other sex-toys on their own - even when in a relationship? Is that not the same thing?
IAEC7 wrote:
But if you have a partner, surely they are enough to satisfy you?
I'm sorry, but you're missing the point.
If he stays with you, obviously he's satisfied with you physically and emotionally. But, we're talking about basic sexuality, not love, tenderness and affection. We're not talking about your and his sex life as a couple.
Speaking as a man, I cannot turn off my sexuality. Since I'm in a satisfying committed relationship I choose not to act on my urges, but I can't turn them off. If I see a woman who catches my eye, I look. Usually, I'm not aware I'm doing it until after I've looked away. It's just a glance, then I'm focused on my wife again. It's no more complicated than that.
Porn is about sex, not love. We look at porn because we want to look at sex. It doesn't mean we're not satisfied with our partner. We just want to look at sex. It's no more complicated than that.
Lets talk about masturbation. Most men (and women) in a committed relationship still masturbate, even if they are satisfied with the amount of sex they are having. If you don't believe me, Google "How often do people masturbate". My wife and I have sex about three or four times a week. I still masturbate almost every day. For me, orgasm from masturbation is very different from orgasm during sex. Masturbation is very personal. Sex is something shared.
You should talk to him, but remember, he's a man. He has urges and behaviors he can't stop, and you may not understand. If he stays with you, he's happy. But, he's still a man. You're going to have to accept that. He'll still glance at women. He may have said he won't watch porn, but eventually he'll watch again. He will do it behind your back, then lie to you. You're mistaken if you expect him to suppress all his urges. He can't do it, and you'll be disappointed.
If you're going to stay together, you each have to accept each other with all your faults, urges and behaviors. Let yourselves be who you are.
I fully understand how you feel IAEC7. I find it upsetting that my husband watches porn although he says he hardly ever does it. It makes me feel that I'm not enough for him and that he wants to look at younger more attractive women. I'm not feeling very good about myself at the moment as a recent hysterectomy has left my stomach looking a mess (vertical incision from above the belly button down).
I do understand that men view this in a different way but that doesn't make it any easier when you're feeling hurt and rejected. As mentioned above it is all about self confidence unfortunately mines pretty low at the moment !
IAEC7 - perhaps in asking this question to Lovehoney forum members you are going to get a skewed response. The very fact that we're on here suggests that we're perhaps more tolerant/sexual than joe public. If you were to write your original post on another forum I read you would get, perhaps, a more "balanced" response from other females and will see that you are not alone.
I totally agree with Fluffbags and everyone else who said it is of no reflection to the strength of your relationship, and all I can suggest is that you talk to your partner. Ask him the same questions you've asked us. That will hopefully reassure you that you are everything to him. I do not have an issue with my husband watching porn. That would be hypocritical of me as I watch it. But I would have an issue if he was chosing it over spending some fun time with me.
+1 to what Fluffbags said;.
I watch a lot of porn when my OH isn't around, she knows I watch it but maybe not the amount I look at. I don't look at particular girls and get turned on by the actually person, I get turned on by either the act that they are performing or what they are wearing. We are both into BDSM and quite a lot of the things my wife and I do in the bedroom are things I had seen in porn; I wouldn't even know a lot of the toys we own even existed if I hadn't seen them in porn (Magic Wand, Pussy Pump etc.) The way I see it is that porn has definately improved our sex life and made us much more adventurous (we occasionally watch porn together too)
I tell you what worries me about my guy....he says he NEVER watches porn anymore and NEVER looks or glances at other women...ever ever. (Oh I have asked him a fair few times) The thing is, we have a really communicitive relationship. I tell him everyyyything and I am going to assume he also tells me the truth. He knows I watch porn, hell, when I have it on and see something interesting I link it him in email. We have roleplayed in the bedroom, pretending to be other people and on one occasion I made him fantasise about another girl and describe it in detial (We have a bit of a power dynamic in the bedroom and I like to make him sweat a bit...lol) but despite all of this, and him knowing that I expect him to have a perve and even after admitting I sometimes have my eye caught by an attractive person....he STILL says he never looks! I don't understanddddd! lol
Either he has been told that you NEVER EVER tell a woman (He had a more vanilla, traditional relationships before me with a jealous woman) and he simply cannot get past that rule for fear that I am "tricking" him into an answer (Thats the one I suspect lol) or he genuinely does not look or he does look and doesn't realise. The strange thing is, I kinda believe him because we are together so often and I never see him look at porn anymore.
Every time I read "All men look" I just think .....I broke my man! lol
One day...ohhhh one day I am gunna catch him have a sneaky peak at a sexy lady and hes gunna get ribbed forever more! :D
I just don't think people can just swtich off their sexuality just because they get with someone and as I mentioned before, I see looking as normal, but having the urge or desire is normal...acting on those urges is going to screw up a mono relationship.
Fluffbags - oh wise and sage that you are!
Ever since I started getting exactly what I want from my relationship with my OH (i.e. Dominating) my porn habits have stopped. I haven't watched porn in about 6 months, I still look at pretty girls etc, but it's more to set my OH on alert than because I want to. I don't think he's broken - I think you are giving him everything he wants and needs and more.
Sum Sub wrote:
Fluffbags - oh wise and sage that you are!
Ever since I started getting exactly what I want from my relationship with my OH (i.e. Dominating) my porn habits have stopped. I haven't watched porn in about 6 months, I still look at pretty girls etc, but it's more to set my OH on alert than because I want to. I don't think he's broken - I think you are giving him everything he wants and needs and more.
I totally agree SS - we haven't watched porn for years. Everything we do together is just so exciting we really don't need anything else - we totally give each other everything we need and much much more. When you get everything you want from a relationship it is incredible.
Fluffbags - he is definately not broken Hun - just a very happy satisfied chap - lol xxx
I might be wise (Hmmm lol) but clearly not completely secure in my own abilities to please, because I never even thought of that option! I like it though...it gives me a big head today so I will go with that! lol
But being serious: This answer is not as broad or as simple. What worries me is that this answer will lead the OP to think that every man who still watches porn or pervs at the ladies, is unsatisfied with their lover and I don't think that is true. I have read many posts from guys over the years who admit to being completely satisfied and yet still watch porn or have a glance. I am also satisfied with my partner, but still watch porn.
So my guess is that for SOME of us, the desire to have a glance or watch porn dissipates when satisfied and for some others, it is just another element of their sex life to be enjoyed. Just like some people enjoy anal and others don't, I guess some people, even when satisfied in a relationship,still enjoy porn because they genuinely enjoy it for what it is, (Like me) while some others simply use porn as a means to an end during times when they have less sex with a partner. (Like my partner)
We are all different, with different urges and desires, after all.