Wow, how quick things can change!
My last update was a little solemn, had a lot of stuff going on over the last few months, and it’s got to the point I’ve become completely overwhelmed.
I wanted to post, as it gives me a chance to get sh!t out my head and onto paper, and this is a slightly different forum to my normal fellowships. Please note - I’m not fishing for advise, sympathy, answers, any of that jazz - it is just how things are being an addict, especially when my Lil Monster starts rattling his cage inside me.
I mentioned loads of things going on. My job is ‘officially At Risk’ and I find out if I still have one on the 6th Feb. A big thing, but to be honest not something that has really bothered me. Will deal with however that looks when it happens, no fear.
Someone very close to me, my lifes Hero in actual fact, had to say good bye to their dog through cancer. There is a bit more to this one, but ultimately its tough on this person - I want to make it better, but I cannot. Instead, making it all about me right now.
My daughter is in a toxic relationship, which is really difficult as I am seeing my grandson being dragged through some horrible stuff. As a trained counsellor (I know, right?), I can see all the impact on this poor little lad that is too young to speak yet.
This time last week was the year anniversary of me and Mrs Kink splitting apart. That has been a huge trigger.
There are other things also occurring around my other child, yep all out of my control too, and more scary stuff. There is other stuff also, but you get the idea. Juggling many plates, lots of different feelings. I had counselling as a client and my supervision yesterday morning. Productive. And then mid-day, boom!
From nowhere, I have an account on Fab and 3 dating sites. A relationship will fix things. Yet I know full well I don’t want one, I need to be OK with me first. Already in the rabbit hole, not coming out yet. OK, FWB then - lets just get laid. On to Fab. Dating profiles set to short term / fun only, all that jazz. I really don’t want to get laid - yet I’m fully invested already, I’ve started so I’ll finish!
Except I’m a man, with a disability to boot. If I was a female, I’d have been in trouble, found someone in record time and job done - just left with dealing with the ‘what have I done’ mess after.
So no, instead, the frustration of no responses, no interest, rejection, rejection. That negative spiral keeps getting fed - no letting up, need to prove I am loveable, desired, wanted - external fecking validation.
Basically I’ve felt powerless and my life is entirely unmanageable. I know the recovery side, I know the counsellor side, I know all that I SHOULD be doing. I should be focusing on me, my recovery, my higher power, all this stuff I KNOW WORKS. I’ve been doing recovery for 5+ years now!
Yet my head and body are like they are detached from me, on autopilot - relentlessly on the hunt.
The easy option of course is just spend the money and get a sex worker. That will sort it. Yet I know it doesn’t. I will feel even worse after, and lighter of pocket. Likewise, with Fab, it will dawn on me before I meet anyone (or even get a message back) and my account will be hidden/deleted once more. Same as the dating apps. This too shall pass, I’ll end up talking with a couple of girls and then realise it is all wrong before deleting my accounts and the apps again.
I’ve not picked up a drink or substance this weekend, but I can see clearly why the hell I did. It feels like a full on relapse, as I have been doing things I have not wanted to be doing. Just don’t then, you might say. If thats where your head goes, all I can say is be grateful - you are not like me, there is a good chance you are not an addict. Of course, if you can relate, it is likely you either have first or second hand experience of addiction.
I know I will not use or drink, but I need to look at this stuff. I have not been like this since my last drink, and it has scared me. My HPs way of saying I need to take a good long hard look at myself and my recovery.
I think I’ll leave it right there… thanks for reading, and if anyone can relate and is struggling with similar, talking helps a lot. Thanks.
