Advice on getting my OH more interested in sex.

So a little bit of a back story on me and my OH, we have both been together since we were 13 ( now aged 30!) and we are a married lesbian couple. we have always had a fairly adventurous sex life such as using sex aids, bondage, different positions etc. However one thing that has always been a regular issue is our sex drives do not match up and sometimes it is very sporadic. This is always a touchy subject with both of us and often leaves me feeling undesired and her pressured and anxious. Over the years I have tried to learn to live with the differences and not be so bothered if we go 3 or more months without sex as our marriage is amazing but sometimes it is hard. I understand that sex is obviously a two way street based on each others wants and desires but it's a little hard it always being on her terms. I have tried approaching the situation recently by trying to have a conversation with her about if there is any thing that is a turn for her to help get her in the mood, maybe something i wear or say or a role play situation. But she completely shuts down and gets annoyed and upset. I know she has mentioned that her sex drive depends on how she feels about herself to which I try my best to compliment her every day, especially because she is a complete beauty to me! Even after 17 years, she is the only woman I want. I just dont really know what to do, I had wondered about solo play as a way to help satisfy my desire and to help ease any pressure she might feel. To be honest we are always with each other so we dont really do any solo play and tbh I would find awkward to do whilst she is in the house. Anyone got any help or advice?

Have you tried broaching the idea of solo play as a way of relieving the pressure on her?

If you explain that you are happy with all other aspects, however you have physical needs that need to be attended to for your own state of happiness, you accept that she doesn't always want to be included in meeting those needs so she needs to be understanding that if you have some alone time (going to bed early, taking a long bath etc) and that it isn't a reflection on you and her.

From what gets written on here about masturbation in relationships, its more often than not not the act of masturbation itself that upsets the other partner, but either the perception that it needs to be a secret / done in private which hurts or a feeling of the partner being replaced. Both can be minimised or eliminated by an open and frank conversation.

It may even help her relax about sex again, knowing that you aren't pressuring (or the perception that you are pressuring) her, that you are content with love and affection (back to basics, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, melting into the couch together to watch TV etc) without the whole expectation of more, could in itself lead to more sex down the track.

The other bit of advice often said here for a variety of topics is have the conversation on neutral ground. Out at a cafe / pub, away from the bedroom and other distractions that homes can create. Also try and get her to understand that you aren't upset or angry, that you support her regardless and will stand by her, its not a judgement against her and is something that you are doing / can do, to help the relationship.

Good luck

This is a tricky one but need not be a disaster if you both keep talking to each other and are prepared to be flexible.

I've had periods when my sex drive has been higher than my partner's, and also a verrryyy long menopausal period when I lost all desire. We got through both - only you and your wife will know if this is one of those chapters in life or a constant difference between you. Either way, communication is key.

When my drive was higher I used to stomp off in frustration once he was asleep and go and read a book. Now, I would happily take myself off to the bathroom with some cushions and a toy box, and he would be ok with that. Or, if I'm home alone I have the bed to myself... So do consider all the possibilities masturbating and using toys might offer.

When my libido took leave of absence (and we are talking a few years here) what helped was that he wasn't pressuring. And we talked. I asked if he wanted to find action elsewhere (he didn't) and he asked if i wanted him to keep trying or if I wanted to make the first move when I felt like it (the second one). We agreed that he could take care of himself whenever he wanted - this was mostly in private rather than when I was around, but each to their own. We also agreed that maintaining intimacy was the most important thing - even now, we are more affectionate on a day to day basis (kisses, cuddles, time alone just to catch up and listen to each other). We tried lots of non-sexual intimacy like massages, showers together, cuddling up with a shared box-set etc. It wasn't a happy period for my husband sexually, but it all helped us over that time. If ever one of us couldn't have sex for a while in the future I'm sure that experience would help us to maintain our relationship.

Luckily my sense of desire returned and here I am on the Lovehoney forum. That doesn't always happen, though, so I hope there is something in my experience which might help you both.

Good luck!